To think ‘day off’ means different things for men and women...

[CantankerousCamel]

My day off;

Day (and evening) off work
School run
So bleach toilets
Tidy front garden
Buy furniture for shed repair

Service washing machine
Baby group

Supermarket
School run
Take kids to watering hole

Then this evening after putting kids to bed
Paint the decking white

DH day off -

Yay! Cricket

I imagine this is the same in every household?

Well, H wouod saybthe same than you. Can't stay sitbstill and needs to be ‘doing’ something.

The issue is that the doing something on his day off is always doing something he enjoys (eg gardening).
Whereas doing something for me was doing the things that needed doing and couldn’t be done during the week.
For H to do those things that need doing, he ends to be asked, reminded etc etc

So yes, there is something about actually enjoying to do x and y.
But I also think we are conditioned to see our role as women/mothers to put all those things first.

Both are not incompatible.
And I’m pretty sure that if you look carefully enough, you are the one to pick up the slack ‘because yu enjoy doing things and he prefers to watch cricket’

You CHOOSE to do those things

Someone has to choose to do it, otherwise it will never be done.

Xpost.

I’m actually :( that I guessed right re not doing the stuff he doesn’t ‘enjoy’ such as putting the washing to dry

Well, it's quite obviously not a direct male female thing. I was off Saturday, got out of bed around midday, got dressed about three and did fuck all except paint my nails all day.

But then I'm single with no kids so I do whatever I like.

I lie on the couch, I watch sport, I read, I nap. You are downtrodden.

You are exhibiting sexism here - ascribing personality traits as inherent to sex chromosomes rather than learned behaviour.

What you mean is - lazy people who don't suffer the consequences of a disorganised household don't feel compunction to use time off work productively. People who think properly about what will go wrong later in the week if certain tasks aren't done will find it difficult to relax until they are done. These behaviours take years to learn but they are not exclusive to sex - it is just that our sexist society tells a woman that any way the household management falls short of "homes & gardens magazine" perfection is her fault, and tells a man that once he leaves the office he deserves a rest, and if he some much as picks up a teatowel and dries up for 20 minutes or does a spot of hoovering then he is a hero who is being so helpful to his wife and isn't she lucky

Many men do see through this cultural bias and pull their weight properly. Your "Yay, Cricket" specimen probably not so much.

Delphinae

Yes it never fails to surprise me how women here can simultaneously suggest that we are in unequal relationships for not enjoying spa days, whilst also not so slyly suggesting that all the stuff we do is completely pointless.
It’s very much like a conversation I had yesterday about being pregnant and people constantly telling you to ‘stop and put you feet up’ as if the shit I do every day is completely secondary to life and I may as well not bother.

Actually it’s pretty necessary. Shit needs to get done so get on and do it. DH does also get on and do it, he just invariably needs lists to do ‘the little things’ that I don’t even think about, like hanging out washing (done while morning tea brewed) or the toilets (will be done in seconds)

Just find it fascinating how differently men’s minds seem to work to women’s.

Me and my DH are a bit like this. I don't mind as, like you said, I like to keep busy and I see a day off as an opportunity to get stuff done. My DH sees a day off as an opportunity to do absolutely nothing! If I ask him to do some jobs he will do it, but he doesn't class that as a proper day off!
I might spend a day off doing house stuff or doing nothing, but its my choice.

Brexit sounds about right.

However because of the nature of my work (often evenings, unsociable hours etc) he quite often has to ‘pick up the slack’ also.

But he would be the first to admit a day of ‘doing nothing’ is high on his list of priorities whereas I would rather crack on wirh stuff.

As usual MN is opposite to the rest of the world as all my girlfriends have similar stories.

My DH does a lot more housework than me. I can relax in an untidy house, he can’t. He has to get things sorted before he can sit down and watch cricket or a movie or read a book whereas I will do the chilling out first and then rush about in a last minute panic doing stuff. I went away with friends last weekend, he ran the house. He does the school run every day and sorts out the children’s lunches. He also does all the ironing. I don’t think it’s an innately male/female thing; I think that boys and girls are often raised differently and socialised Ito this role. My MIL cannot sit down until everything is sparkling and ordered and she has passed that onto all her children, boys and girls alike. Whereas I grew up with an anxious, nervy mum and I prioritise mental health which for me means taking regular downtime. My dad also took an absolutely equal role in housework and childcare. I really find statements such as ‘women never stop’, ‘men don’t see mess’ and ‘men need instructions to do housework’ very wearying and not all all reflective of what I grew up with or what I experience now.

Husband finished early last week he watered the garden, put on a washing, fixed a drawer handle that was loose, hoovered and cleaned the kitchen floor. I came home and made dinner and he stacked the dishwasher.

Also, my DH comes home after the morning school run and makes dinner in the slow cooker so when I get back all I have to do is pick up the children and feed them what he’s cooked. I never thought of doing that. So ime men are perfectly capable of demonstrating initiative, thoughtfulness and domestic organisational skills!

As usual MN is opposite to the rest of the world as all my girlfriends have similar stories.

Have you tried netmums?

Just had this chat with my DP. He one day witnessed what I did on my "day off" and has now started to help a bit more around the house! He still thinks cleaning the house is just wiping down the kitchen and a bit of hoovering though...

lenny
We have regular chats too and he gets incrementally better

For him it has to be routine

For me it’s nature

Only way I can describe it

. Charmed

Likewise

And I’ve reported your personal attack. Hope it gets deleted... dear.

And I often see this sneery ‘only on MN’ response on these kinds of threads as if to suggest that anyone who posts that their household runs on a fair and equal basis and that men are not actually another species with ‘man brains’ that are somehow wired differently are lying about our experiences because it couldn’t actually be possible to have men who take responsibility for the house in the same way as women.

Well, maybe we are all lying and actually live with lazy, incompetent blokes and want to make ourselves feel better with a fantasy. Or maybe it’s that MN has a significant proportion of intelligent, feminist women with high standards in their relationships!

No, if we have a day off it means just that - Day off. Same for both of us, unless we have taken a day off specifically to do a chore (e.g. to wait for a plumber, car service or similar).
It is not the same in all households, no.

DH and I have the same approach to things like this. It does help that we have a cleaner and low standards so house jobs take low priority!

Indeed brickbeard.

*Just find it fascinating how differently men’s minds seem to work to women’s.

Their mind isn’t working in a different way. They must have different priorities and housework or putting the washing in just is NOT on their priority list. It’s women work and not wome work. It’s just not part of what they need to do.

What I have noticed is that H, having being out in the situation where he has no other choice but to think about all that, does. He will put a washing to go, put the clothes to dry etc...
But he still does the obvious stuff. The one you really cannot do wo. The rest? Like cleaning the floor, the loo, dusting furniture or organising shelves etc..
Nope.
Doing all the work of checking the dcs are doing ok, who is doing what when. Wondering if dc would like to do xxx Nope.

So like taking your dcs to the watering hole (aka doing something with them, for them) wouldn’t happen wo being told to do so. (Or rather reminded or suggested because of course, I can't tell him what to do...)

I would actually suggest you look at what you are doing in your day off is all stuff YOU want to do.

To be fair to the OP, some women do get a genuine sense of warmth that their helpless partners would be nigh on destitute without them.

No it's not the same in every house.

OHs last day off-

7am- take DD to theatre for rehearsal
8am go to Tesco to get food shop.
10am cut lawns front and back.
11am change bulbs ( 10 needed changing)
11.30am take stuff to the dump.
12 noon make lunch.
2pm re organise a big cupboard in the kitchen where we keep pots
3pm take a few emergency calls from work ( usual on a day off)
4pm start cooking.
5pm pick up DD from theatre
6pm serve dinner.
7pm glass of wine.

That's a fairly typical day off for my OH.