To think ‘day off’ means different things for men and women...

[CantankerousCamel]

My day off;

Day (and evening) off work
School run
So bleach toilets
Tidy front garden
Buy furniture for shed repair

Service washing machine
Baby group

Supermarket
School run
Take kids to watering hole

Then this evening after putting kids to bed
Paint the decking white

DH day off -

Yay! Cricket

I imagine this is the same in every household?

Tidy front garden

It's okay to say pubis / vulva

I don’t think he sees it as ‘women’s work’ it’s more than he just doesn’t SEE it

I genuinely and honestly cannot believe that women swallow this utter utter bollocks. Do you genuinely think that a grown adult with a normal brain 'can't see' that the washing needs to be put out? Surely if he genuinely had selective vision that stopped him seeing wet washing he'd have some really weird and rare brain disorder? Of course he can see it, he just can't be bothered to do it because he reckons it's your job. He'll 'help' you do it if you make him, but he won't do it himself because why should he? He has a live-in free servant who'll do it for him!

I know your post was tongue in cheek but it might do your self respect a bit of good to stop believing such nonsense. By all means, run around organising and doing everything but don't kid yourself that it's because 'men and women are different' - it's because your husband believes that he doesn't have to do those jobs and so he'll avoid them until you force him to do them, because on some level he doesn't really care if you have to do them all the time, it's not his problem.

BTW when I have a day off I do absolutely nothing. I have had to force my DH to go and visit a friend in order to have a day off because if he's in the house he's up and running around, cleaning, playing with the kids, mowing the lawn, doing the laundry etc. I find his inability to sit still a bit annoying at times.

I think you need to take a bit more time for yourself! Take a leaf out of your Dh book.
70% of the time my day off is shopping/cleaning but maybe once a month I have a day out lunch with friends or shopping or sometimes just a long bath and tv time.
The housework will always be there but it helps your sanity.
I actually feel sorry for my Dh sometimes as he has weekends off and I generally work Saturdays so he doesn’t get a day off without kids and will spend most of Saturday gardening/playing football with kids.

He doesn’t do fuck all. He does what I tell him to do!!
good grief, is he your grown-up partner or your child!

I am "off" this weekend, so the day will be:
get up, empty dishwasher, make breakfast, tidy up after breakfast, pack bags: all these chores split equally between 2 adults
go to the beach.

Running around doing chores doesn't qualify as a day off in this house, but if it makes you happy to clean the house, knock yourself out!
There's no male vs woman in my home either, whoever is home does whatever needs to be done. When I was on maternity leave, I was doing pretty much everything because that was my "job" at the time. When DH is at home and I am at work, he does everything that needs done that day. Neither of us treat the other one like a child that needs to be told what to do.

I can't see why some people enjoy drama for menial things so much.

This is not because you are a woman and your DH is a man, it is because you are different personality type to your DH. Also as others have said he probably focusses on one thing at a time which has its advantages and disadvantages.

I don't much like cricket but I could easily spend 3 hours plus on a very sedate activity including watching a particular programme or event. I don't do it often but on a planned day off I might if I fancied it and would enjoy it.

Yes probably, I get less stuff done on a day to day basis than DH but I do get some things done and I honestly feel very stressed if DH insists we spend our holidays rushing from one thing to another and getting lots of things done. I end up exhausted and frazzled.

I do this when I need to but I need breaks from it regularly. I need regular times when I really do very little (say 2-3 hours a week at the very least) for my mental health. then again I know I could never have had too many children as I just would not have coped with the relentlessness and sheet amount of "stuff that needs doing"

Sorry
sheer amount . Not sheet amount

Not here.

My DH was off yesterday and did the hoovering, the ironing then painted our bedroom. Oh, and he stuck a washing on too.

I'm a single parent. I do everything, every day. If I had a day off in the week to spend on myself I wouldn't know what to do with it. Generally holidays from work are saved to use in the school hols to take the kids out

I do meet up with friends sometimes at the weekend when my children are with their father, but all my friends are at work in the week.

I'm a woman, that's not a day off. My dh is a man and that's not a day off.
Day off is doing what you please, leisure time, not housework and domestics.
A day off is what it says whatever your sex.

I genuinely and honestly cannot believe that women swallow this utter utter bollocks. Do you genuinely think that a grown adult with a normal brain 'can't see' that the washing needs to be put out?

Exactly this.

Of course he can see it. Unless you've married an idiot, he knows that dirty clothes need washing, wet clothes need drying, children need feeding, dirty dishes need washing etc.

But he also knows that if he doesn't bother and spends his day off watching cricket or whatever else he enjoys, you'll do it for him. Or you'll have to ask him to do it, which is just as bad really. He's not a six year old that needs reminding to wash his hands or put his toys away!

He knows full-well what needs doing!

Not seeing stuff is shorthand for not seeing it as your responsibility.

When you visit a friend's house, you don't notice whether their washing needs hanging out or their dishwasher filling or their windows wiping because it's not your job and you didn't go there to assess the state of their housekeeping but to spend time with them. But it's the same thing domestically. Men "don't see it" when they don't believe it's their responsibility.

Unless you have ADHD in which case you can be totally blind to it, which is a massive pain for everyone else. I have this problem.

I am sure in many cases, both sides are equally guilty. When you see the amount of threads of (mainly) women mocking their DH for doing the washing wrong, hanging the laundry in the wrong order, not fluffing pillows the right way and the abuse some fathers get when they look after their kids! - daring giving the an ice cream, stopping for lunch at the wrong time and other nonsense.

You have pretty much the equal amount of threads complaining that the DH are not involved. Funny that. If my DH was commenting on the way I hoover, I wouldn't do any cleaning for at least a year!

I just couldn’t physically spend 3 hours just watching cricket, it’s utterly beyond me how anyone could

Surely you understand as adults we all like different things and have different interests? I wouldnt watch cricket for 3 hours but I could sit watching Criminal Minds for 3 hours for example no bother.

Men "don't see it" when they don't believe it's their responsibility

They (people who 'don't see' things that need doing, although it does appear to be overwhelmingly men) may also simply not be bothered about the dishes, washing, vacuuming or bathrooms being done, they may simply have lower standards or different expectations about a reasonable frequency for these things to be done.

Look at all the people on here who are cleaning bathrooms every day, 'can't relax' if the washing up isn't done or wash clothing and towels after one use.

I would never expect it to be necessary to clean a bathroom, vacuum or dust more than once a week, usually rewear clothes at least once, use towels a few times between washes, and am quite happy to leave the washing up a couple of days, so the amount of housework I see as needing to be done is a fraction of that of someone who does all these things daily, so on any given day, there's always less that 'needs' doing and in weather like this, I prioritise sitting in the garden and reading anyway, because housework can always wait until tomorrow.

When I have a day off I usually do stuff like DIY (had 2 weeks off and painted walls and woodwork in 2 bedrooms, laid laminate down in another and put a shed up - for the latter I did make my DP help).
Sometimes I clean the entire house on one of the days and then I feel great and not in the slightest bit guilty of then spending the rest of the holidays watching Netflix, playing console games or chillaxing with the dog. I'm sure all this will change when the baby arrives though.....

My DP doesn't really do DIY, and on his days off I usually make him babysit the dog, which he actually enjoys doing as he says it relaxes him (he has a stressful job). He does claim that he has work to do, but usually just ends up lounging on the sofa with the dog watching TV. I'm sure he can also clean, although I have thus far not seen much evidence of this per se (I have taught him how to use the washing machine and iron his own shirts, and he does hoover as well to be fair. He still needs to learn how to put dirty dishes IN the dishwasher though). I prefer to do most things myself, as he doesn't always do things how I like.

Those of with DCs who have never had a day without them to just chill or go out with friends, or mooch about on your own, or even go away for a couple of days. Why is that? I can understand it if you're a single parent without any support, but what about those of you who are married?

I'm not talking tiny babies here, obv.

DH day off: wouldn't dream of playing any sport instead he is DIYing or doing some jobs at home.

Those of with DCs who have never had a day without them to just chill or go out with friends, or mooch about on your own, or even go away for a couple of days. Why is that?

Why not? what's the point to have kids if you don't want to spend time with them?
Working 5 days a week leave only 2 days to see them, if you take off activities, parties, clubs it doesn't leave much time at all. They grow up so quickly, it's quite nice to spend time with them?

I had a full life before kids, they soon enough will be old enough to want to spend weekends and holidays away from us, so it's only a few short years based around kids. We just do things together, go away together. All Inclusive adult only resorts will still be available in a few years when my kids are independent or just going to summer camps because they want to!

Dh day off..diy etc. He also see day off as taking dd out giving me time to work. No way would he go near cricket. Hes going to wimbledon soon for the first time over on a day off and very excited. My day off...seeing a friend without dd. Different things for different people. I know what im saying above is vvv common with my friends whos dhs love spending time just with dc but dc are around 1-2 in age. One of my friends turned up at my house not knowing what to do as dh had taken ds out for the day so she got a day off. After getting her hair cut and visiting a couple of shops she left town and turned up at mine even though i had dd with me.

bigsandy

I (when the kids are much older than my 11 month old DD) will occasional go to a festival/night away with a friend but this is mostly because I love House and dancing and DH hates it.

But that’s very rare (once a year or less) the reason why it’s less is because I actually LIKE spending time with my kids and my DH. We don’t have parents locally so it’s just us, so a day off the childen is also a day off DH.

When I much prefer his company to anyone else in the worlds.

It’s also expensive and, we are slowly updating our house and garden so we are busy and broke most of the time.

I would rather buy a new Apple tree and plant it, than pay £100 for a ‘spa day’

Both of our ‘days off’ involve the care of young children (if that makes a difference)

Someone has to choose to do it, otherwise it will never be done.

You can outsource by getting s cleaner/housekeeper, you can both spend some time doing chores and then both having some free time. My point is that you really, really don't have to do all the chores while he has all the fun. You certainly do not have to do so because he happens to be a man while you are a woman

He doesn’t do fuck all. He does what I tell him to do!!

This is MN, an anonymous message board so I feel that can ask the question I would never ask a stranger face to face. What impact does it have on your ahem intimate life, that he is happy to leave all the work to your management and only does anything under instruction? Has he ever lived independently , without a mother or a wife ? In their absence did he, or would he, have paid someone to do the chores? How does that make you feel?

Is it more comfortable to laugh lightheartedly with your friends whose lives are similar than to wonder whether there might be another, fairer way to share chores between healthy adults?

Our intimate life?

Interesting comparison...

We’ve been together since we were 21 so a lot of learning together.

As far as I’m concerned nothing is going in my vagina until I’ve had at least one orgasm...

I think that about covers it

I think DH isn’t perfect by he’s not a bad man, he does DIY on the weekend, cares adequately for the kids while I’m at work, cooks every night

Works hard at a well paid job with good prospects.

Great in bed...

OP. This made me laugh. I have the same at our house and have a "busy off" with my partner all the time about it. Also we have me saving annual leave for childcare emergencies, child sickness and school holidays, his leave apparently for shit he wants to do. 🤷🏼‍♀️