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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About Nanny spending money?

150 replies

Bubbinsmakesthree · 25/06/2018 20:36

We employ a nanny to look after 2 DC. She's really great but it's a massive expense for us (we pay her more than I earn). We are cutting back massively to afford it and going without day to day treats (always take a packed lunch to work, never buy takeaway coffee etc). I leave the nanny a kitty to spend as she sees fit but she's easily spending £20 a week on meals out etc - they'll have lunch in a cafe when they could easily have had a picnic, or stop in Starbucks whilst the younger one is napping in the buggy. It grates a bit for her to be indulging in what I'm sacrificing.

Am I being petty or a soft touch?

OP posts:

crunchymint · 26/06/2018 10:45

Funny how dads never get told to quit work and stay at home with their kids so they can bond with them.

PorkFlute · 26/06/2018 10:51

If a dad posted on here saying he was struggling financially and paying a nanny more than he was earning I’m pretty sure people would suggest he stay at home actually.

fuzzyfozzy · 26/06/2018 10:52

Could you give her a bit of a timetable too, cheap things for the majority of the week etc. I think you just need to give her a budget.

Heiderose · 26/06/2018 10:54

I get £100 a month buy can ask for more if needed. Normally only when the kids have had haircuts or parents have asked me to do top up shop, get birthday presents etc
It doubles during holidays when there's an extra kid to entertain but I try to save some of the kity from non holiday weeks to go towards it.
Not surprisingly over half of it goes on travel, even though i walk when possible.
The rest is the odd soft play, ice cream, treat etc.
We're lucky that we have passes to lots of places & classes are prepaid.
It soon adds up.
Oh and the only time I pay for my stuff from kity is coffee or lunch at places the parents want me to go to.
The rest of the time I take from home or pay myself.

Whitesea · 26/06/2018 11:07

Op I'm in the same situation. It grates having someone else having the fun easy times with the kids

Tbf I'd suggest you stay at home yourself full time to see that entertaining kids is not fun or easy! Do you really think an adult enjoys being in soft play more than the children and do you want your children to have fun when you are at work?

OP £20 is not a lot. We used have a nanny and we worked out together how much the children's entertainment and travel cost (she didn't drive) and left it there. My children were small and didn't need a lot of entertainment compared to now (preschooler and reception). So the amount will continually need to be re-evaluated. Nowadays we spend at least £100 a week on their activities!

Mymadworld · 26/06/2018 11:09

I bet she doesn't even realise how much she's spending or assumes there's no limit if you've not had the conversation. Don't make it a big deal just a quick chat to say you're feeling the pinch generally and need to work to a set budget so kitty of £20 a week will need to suffice unless it's a special occasion/big treat. Mention about lunches out and say you'll make sure there's picnic bits in and happy to get her a coffee mug if she wants something whilst out and about but need to rein in the eating out a bit.

baxterboi · 26/06/2018 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieMarlow · 26/06/2018 11:11

You be your children’s nanny and keep all the nanny money for yourself. Let your children bond with you instead of the nanny and take them out for treats.

Ffs, there's always one.

OP, I think a small amount of expenditure is reasonable, just be clear with her that there's a limit.

Tara12 · 26/06/2018 11:11

Gosh and golly, what a problem! I simply don't know.

crunchymint · 26/06/2018 11:16

And I assume OP and her DP want their children to be well looked after so are willing to pay the going rate for a good nanny. Rather than pay below the going rate and get someone who does not look after the kids properly.

crunchymint · 26/06/2018 11:19

And OP don't give her a timetable. Honestly some of the suggestions on this thread are bonkers when all that is needed is a conversation about how - this is the weekly limit we can afford.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 26/06/2018 11:20

Having seen the latest post where you say this 20 pounds is on top of 40 to 50 pounds a week for activities... now that is excessive.

I think you need to have a chat in terms of the total expenditure. Have in your mind an amount you feel is reasonable and suggest ways that she can meet this amount instead.

diddl · 26/06/2018 11:23

If you have paid for activities & it's possible to do meals at home-what is the money for?

user1499173618 · 26/06/2018 11:27

I think it is quite all right to tell the nanny that you do need to want her to use the kitty for meals and snacks out, but rather for child develop activities.

However, I do know of nannies who, when given those sorts of restrictions, find another, more generous family.

user1499173618 · 26/06/2018 11:27

do not

Birdshitbridgegotme · 26/06/2018 11:29

Honestly if i was paying her more money than I earnt I would give up work and look after my kids myself. Its not like you are being able to afford to have brilliant holidays for you going to work if all the money you earn is paying her.

TheAntiBoop · 26/06/2018 11:45

You are assuming that the only benefit from working is the money.

If you compared the cost of the nanny to your dh's net is it more or less?

fairgroundsnack · 26/06/2018 11:58

I think £40-£50 per week is a lot. My nanny barely spends that in a month, although I pay for petrol separately as she drives our car. I think you should just sit down and have the discussion with her saying you can’t afford the extra £200-£250 per month so could she try to keep the costs down? I wouldn’t flag the Starbucks specifically but just say in the round it is too much. I’m sure a good nanny will understand this.

moodance · 26/06/2018 12:03

To be fair if you are leaving £20 for her to spend then I see no harm in her spending it ... plus going out to places with the children is a social activity.

I wouldn't make a fuss as it's been there since she has started. I guess she isn't aware of your situation that you can't afford it.

Flutterbyeee · 26/06/2018 12:05

They are nannies not slaves. I'd you give a kitty then let the grown up carers if your children spend it as they see fit. You are trusting them to care for your children but are stressing over a few coffees.

Original poster

Bubbinsmakesthree · 26/06/2018 12:15

I am not going to defend my decision to work and pay a nanny other than to say I am completely happy with it, even if we are feeling the financial pinch at the moment.

Weeding through the few unhelpful replies I've got a good sense now of what the range of normal is and feel confident I can speak to the nanny about being a bit more restrained on spending from the kitty without it being a big deal. Happy nanny is extremely important and I know it can often be seemingly small and petty things which can sour employee/employee relationships so no chance I'm going to make a big deal over a minor issue when we are overall extremely happy.

OP posts:

Believeitornot · 26/06/2018 12:39

It's not sustainable but it is not supposed to be - it's to get us through the next 18 months before oldest starts school

That’s fair enough then. We’ve done similar! I would talk to nanny about your budget for kitty and expectations so she understands what you want her to do. She might feel pressure to do fun stuff (although what’s with nannies and bloody soft play - mine loves it far too much and it costs a fortune!)

Kewcumber · 27/06/2018 10:58

I am not going to defend my decision to work and pay a nanny other than to say I am completely happy with it, even if we are feeling the financial pinch at the moment.

Quite right.

I notice that no-one has suggested that your DH might give up his career for a couple of years (and spend 5 more years getting it back on track - if he's lucky). None of those suggesting you give up work have even asked it's a possibility, or even whether your DH earns less than you so it would make more financial sense for him to give up work. Some people just make the assumption thats it's your responsibiltiy.

Whitesea · 27/06/2018 11:11

I did the same OP.

Three quarters of my salary went to our nanny and I was ok with that for awhile. When my eldest started Montessori, I realised how much I was missing out on and used the excuse of beiing left with less than a quarter of my salary as a very good reason to leave. I also really dislike my role so it was a decision I was more than happy to make. If I Leicester it there, I would have been far more hesitant to leave. Most people in my role did/are doing exactly what you are doing but are putting their children into nursery/use an ai pair which is cheaper.

It is short term until the children start school/they finish having babies and then unless you are earning big money, you may find you have to let go of your nanny anyway or find someone who wants to work reduced hours only.

We all have to do what suits our own family best.

Whitesea · 27/06/2018 11:16

*Leicester - I had liked!

Apologies for the numerous typing errors that make my post so hard to read!

Just to add that to be fair to the posters who are not suggesting that the OP’s DH quits his role, we presume that if the OP’s salary barely covers the cost of the nanny, we can only assume her DH is on a much higher salary as it would be senseless if the nanny earned more than EITHER of her employers.

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