To say no to paying DH maintenance bill.

[ivechangedmyusername]

Name changed but been here since before Mexican House thief and the small Korean lady in the Garden ..

DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni
I have 3. (2 over 18)

He paid £1500 a month in CM for 6yrs (as this covered the mortgage and was the divorce agreement. CMS was £918 so more than the minimum by quite a way. ) when ex remarried house was sold and ex retained 80% of the equity in exchange for no pension sharing. (Her share of the equity was £318k). She moved into her new (similarly wealthy , childless, ) husbands house. No mortgage. We know this because she tried (and failed) to move overseas with the dcs and part of the court process was full disclosure of their joint financial situation to prove they could afford to support the move.

My DH has been quite unwell mentally. He suffered from quite extreme stress from his job which whilst highly paid is equally highly stressful and performance based. We have evaluated our lives and decided that we would rather earn less and live longer - and have some more time for each other now the kids are older. He has taken unpaid leave from work which means he hasn't sought a new contract. He hasn't earned for 2 months whilst very unwell and has now decided to retrain in a completely different craft based field that will pay a quarter of what we he was previously earning.

Now to the AIBU . DH has emailed (the only way they can communicate even after a decade without a full scale screaming row. ) and told his ex what is happening and that CM will reduce in August to £325 per month. She has said that this is unacceptable and that his children 'still exist' and he needs to pay for them. He has told her that this is how it is going to be and that his maintenance payments should have reduced years ago when the eldest got to 18 but he didn't do that because he could afford not to. Now he needs to look after his health and this is what he can afford. CMS rate.
I have received an email from her today, the first time in a decade that she has spoken to me, telling me ;
' as you and my ex-husband have made a joint decision on this lifestyle choice, I think it only morally right that I look to you to make up the shortfall in maintenance.'. It is not my children's fault that their father is having some kind of midlife crisis and wants to go and commune with nature. He has children , they are not an optional financial obligation'. As you are supporting this plan, then it is only fair that you pay the shortfall in my children's finances in order to keep them in the lifestyle they are used to'.

For full disclosure, ex wife has not worked since eldest was born. (22yrs ago).
I have worked full time in a profession since 22 and only had a 3 month break after my first and 6 months for both subsequent babies.
My ex and I get on really well and he also pays me £500 pm in CMS for my only child now at home.
Husbands new job will not have a massive impact on our lifestyle except for the better (more time at home) .
AIBU so say no, I'm not paying what you perceive to be a shortfall and sod off and get a job. ?

Not generous to pay for his children?

How about as another poster said paying the mortgage on a house your ex doesn’t even live in anymore and is renting out?
And continuing to pay the same maintenance despite you now being the RP for half of the children?
No you’re right, that’s not generous at all...

So she’d rather the dc had more money than a fit, well and alive father?

I feel really sad that there are so many people saying he should ignore his mental and physical health for another 4 years.

The children aren’t going to be pushed into poverty or even go without because of this drop in money.

He isn’t a feckless father, he has supported the children, he has two adult children living with him and has the other two regularly.

The CMS has calculated his rate and I’m sure it would be lower than his current payments even if he stayed in the Mentally stressful job.

"I'm sure the mother has paid a hell of a lot herself!"
Err how... @AngelsSins when she has never worked?

Perhaps looking after his health won't wait another four years or so?

Just a simple response is required for this,
"No. Time for you to get a job now then dear."
End of communication on the matter.

I'm shocked at the people who seem to think having a mental breakdown is a lifestyle choice. Please pull yourselves into the 21st century. This mother has made an active choice to never work. Yes of course he career will have been impacted on by raising the kids, but she has not worked for 22yrs, fgs!!!
Op, ignore. What can she do? He'll be paying the CMS minimum, and clearly looks after his kids well and is involved. Her gravy train has ended. Boo boo.

Just send an email back saying,

Get a job

I had a friend with a not dissimilar situation. Her DH in his 50s decided to pack in his job and go travelling for 2 years, for a more "stress free" life. Leaving her child maintenance going from £1K to basically nothing at all. I was shocked at what a selfish dick he was, and that his need for a "stress free" life overrode his children's need to be fed/clothed etc. So I can sort of see where his ex is coming from. That's a huge maintenance drop, and the only ones that benefit are you and your DH. You presented it as a done deal, and I can see why she's pissed off tbh.

Oh well then it's easy! OPs DH should simply stop having a mental health crisis and get back to work. It's pretty easy to stop a breakdown after all. I had a great time with mine, I'm sure I could have held back the suicidal thoughts and continued on for another four years, no problem.
Fucking hell, some people are thick.

Do people actually read the thread?!!! At all? Face palm.

1. You cannot change an amount if a court order specifies it without going back to court. So step one is read the order and see what it says.
2. Our court order says I pay university costs for the 5 children so don't assume obligations stop at 18.
3. If there is a court order then he needs to make a court application to vary the sum downwards. My university sons cost a small fortune (I do think this woman should be working however)
4. Sadly there are vast vast numbers of men who decide to downsize and make up break downs or follow their dream in opening a vineyard etc i.e deliberately ensure their children are not kept after divorce so I am not surprised she thinks this. May be the husband just needs a bit of therapy rather than reducing his income to 25% of what it is now!

I didn't add this at the beginning because it wasn't relevant to the financial aspect and I believe if a man is stupid enough to agree to pay for his wife's lifestyle once the kids have gone to school then that's between them and her. My DH could have said 'get a job' when they were married but he didn't. Her current DH has the same choice but chooses to pay for their lives (his and hers) .. however she has 80% of the equity because she was doing the lions share of the care . That's £318k, I'm sure she can find the 'shortfall' in that from the interest alone to make up the difference.

The children will not suffer. They have everything they can possibly need. Dad buys them stuff in the same way I buy mine stuff and my ex buys them stuff. He has never said, 'no' I pay your mum to buy that. (Think new lap tops, phones school skiing trips at £900 a pop !)

He has told her for months he is stopping Work. He has just told her the new maintenance amount. He hasn't stopped the ridiculous payments yet despite not earning since March !. He is only reducing in August. That's six months notice..

But the icing on the cake for me, has been and always will be that she had a nanny for the children. One of the reasons the others moved to us by choice was because they hardly saw her as she likes tennis and to travel with her new DH when he goes on business. So no, I'm not weeping for someone who has a sudden loss of income. She has lived the life of bloody Riley.

In the end I sent back one of the PPs suggestions.

Hahahahahaha you are having a laugh. !
Discuss your children's support with your children's father. I work to support mine.

I would email back saying that your husband's mental health has paid the price for her lifestyle choice of not working for the last 22 years and if he doesn't make this change stress will probably kill him, or is money more important to their children than their father actually being alive?

If she tries to argue against that, she really is heartless.

She had a nanny for the children.

@AForegoneConclusion - This. I REALLY MUST INSIST PEOPLE RTFT BEFORE MAKING CRETINOUS COMMENTS Ex took 80% of the equity in the house - £315k - and DH has been paying 50% more than he is compelled to, for years. Now, he only wants to pay what he has to. THIS IS COMPLETELY FAIR AND REASONABLE. I can’t imagine Ex-W has the wit to secure much in the way of gainful employment, but that’s really not your problem. Tell her to have a word with yourself and not to contact you again. Ineffably CF, she is.

Well done op.
Wonder if exw will start a woe is me thread?!

*You presented it as a done deal, and I can see why she's pissed off tbh.

Yep - because she's allowed to sponge off her X and new DH and now expects OP to pay for her life style.....,

Can't see many woman agreeing to that

Xenia.
Court order has no mention of University. Only until last child leaves full time non-advanced education or aged 18 which ever is the latter.

The house payment t equity split is the only part governed by the order. After the house was sold he was obliged to pay 918 pm as agreed by CMS. It was then meant to reduce when the eldest reached 18 , (6 yrs ago) and again 4 yrs ago, only he didn't. It remains the same. Until August. According to the CMS calculations he has overpaid by 200+ every month for 6 yrs.

We have already paid for one through Uni and are paying currently for the other. As they live with us. Yes it's very expensive as we have mine at Uni to and despite dad paying most, I also send pocket money.

He hasn't 'made up a breakdown ' he is absolutely burned out. Doing a 'performance pay ' related job that is mostly done by 30/40 yr olds at 55. He needed to stop.

GreenTulips ... six months notice. Did you read that she had six months notice and £318k in the bank. ?

Quick question.
When the 14 and 16 year old came to live with you how much maintenance did she pay you?
Zip?
Thought so.
I have 2 step sons.
The eldest went to work at 16 so his board to his mum was practically all his wages ( to catch the shortfall in family credit. )
She was remarried living in a comfortable house by he way.
The younger who was in further education till 18 came to live with us at 17.
We stopped paying maintenance while he was here - 1 year.
When he went back to his mother for the last year of his college course, we told her don't expect any maintenance from us because you never gave us any.
Never heard a peep from her.
Side note- he's 30 now. Has a fabulous job earning a shed load. ( not spoken to his mother for well over 10 years - fell out about ........ money )
Both the boys worship their Dad. ( and seem quite fond of me )
Just ignore her OP. Your DP's health comes first.

The kids will thank you for this.
If not now , definitely as they mature.
Good luck x

It's obvious that anyone who is in a career where they can voluntarily afford to pay £1500 maintenance is clearly going to be under a massive amount of stress in that job. I can't believe some posters really think that having mental health issues is some kind of lifestyle choice

Dear Parasite,

Why not actually DO something with your pathetic life and get a fucking job? I know you're almost certainly uselessly unemployable, but you'll just have stretch yourself and try for a toilet-cleaning role.

Because that's the only way you'll be seeing any extra cash.

Don't contact me again,
Toodle pip,
OP

I'm on your side - re read

P.S. Your DP's having an affair. HTH