To say no to paying DH maintenance bill.

[ivechangedmyusername]

Name changed but been here since before Mexican House thief and the small Korean lady in the Garden ..

DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni
I have 3. (2 over 18)

He paid £1500 a month in CM for 6yrs (as this covered the mortgage and was the divorce agreement. CMS was £918 so more than the minimum by quite a way. ) when ex remarried house was sold and ex retained 80% of the equity in exchange for no pension sharing. (Her share of the equity was £318k). She moved into her new (similarly wealthy , childless, ) husbands house. No mortgage. We know this because she tried (and failed) to move overseas with the dcs and part of the court process was full disclosure of their joint financial situation to prove they could afford to support the move.

My DH has been quite unwell mentally. He suffered from quite extreme stress from his job which whilst highly paid is equally highly stressful and performance based. We have evaluated our lives and decided that we would rather earn less and live longer - and have some more time for each other now the kids are older. He has taken unpaid leave from work which means he hasn't sought a new contract. He hasn't earned for 2 months whilst very unwell and has now decided to retrain in a completely different craft based field that will pay a quarter of what we he was previously earning.

Now to the AIBU . DH has emailed (the only way they can communicate even after a decade without a full scale screaming row. ) and told his ex what is happening and that CM will reduce in August to £325 per month. She has said that this is unacceptable and that his children 'still exist' and he needs to pay for them. He has told her that this is how it is going to be and that his maintenance payments should have reduced years ago when the eldest got to 18 but he didn't do that because he could afford not to. Now he needs to look after his health and this is what he can afford. CMS rate.
I have received an email from her today, the first time in a decade that she has spoken to me, telling me ;
' as you and my ex-husband have made a joint decision on this lifestyle choice, I think it only morally right that I look to you to make up the shortfall in maintenance.'. It is not my children's fault that their father is having some kind of midlife crisis and wants to go and commune with nature. He has children , they are not an optional financial obligation'. As you are supporting this plan, then it is only fair that you pay the shortfall in my children's finances in order to keep them in the lifestyle they are used to'.

For full disclosure, ex wife has not worked since eldest was born. (22yrs ago).
I have worked full time in a profession since 22 and only had a 3 month break after my first and 6 months for both subsequent babies.
My ex and I get on really well and he also pays me £500 pm in CMS for my only child now at home.
Husbands new job will not have a massive impact on our lifestyle except for the better (more time at home) .
AIBU so say no, I'm not paying what you perceive to be a shortfall and sod off and get a job. ?

I'd just send her the message 'Get a job'.

Sorry greentulips 😳😳😳, i did indeed mis-read.

DeltaG hahahaha . I am surprised no one suggested DH was paying her so much because he is secretly shagging her.... although it's early yet.

Could you sit down and work out exactly what your DH has overpaid over the years, factoring in the reduction when the change in living arrangements occured for the elsdest two. Then proportion the overspend over the remaining years of the youngestuntil they reach the age/education status as stipulated by the court. Then give her the option of the £335 on the table or the invoice for the amount she owes you for being belligerent about what was done in kindness and good faith.

Ooo I like that idea, @Forgot ^
Worth doing that even for your DH, OP, in case she really guilt trips him.

He sounds like a decent man who has put his children first. He could easily have paid nothing while on unpaid leave but hasn’t, and has given her six months notice. Child Maintenance is there to support the children, not their mothers lifestyle of choice.
Can’t get over what a CF she is!

Racecardriver, you're talking shit.

I’m sure the mother has paid a hell of a lot herself!

And how do you come to that conclusion AngelsSins, when she's never worked? She's been living off the child maintenance, and her second husband.

forgotMyusernameAgain. You know what, that is a stroke of genius !! I am going to do that. Right now. I am such a nerd that I actually enjoy a bit of accountancy 🤭... it will distract me from thinking up rude and unpleasant things to say, calm me down, make DH not feel guilty (he feels massively guilty about anything that affects the kids ) and he knows there will be hysterical ranting going on at their home , bad mouthing their dad.. and generally being told that he's a pathetic waster who doesn't care about them... if she's home.

They are with us soon for a month. So hopefully things will calm down but I think she will push for them to live with us if I'm honest. £375 isn't going to pay for an au pair to be there when she's away.
Suits us. We have the room. The kids love being together , second Dc is back from Uni. DH would love it and now has the time to do school runs and shit that goes with teens..

If you think the remaining teens will want to live with you and their dad, then I'd go down that route. Then he doesn't have to pay her a penny.

In that case it sounds like the court order (unlike mine) does not oblige the father to support at university the child so (now forgotten age of youngest) but if all at university stage then yes it can be reduced I would have thought. I don't know if you have to apply to the CMS or just change it.

The practical issue is this lazy so and so may have to find work after 22 years only doing housework and the teenager is going to need some money too so may be the teenager can be directed to where they might get help finding a part time job to make up for what is going to be a pretty sudden drop in income (check if there is a a health cover policy in place for these kinds of breakdowns just in case the income is not lost but covered under a policy - unlikely but worth checking)

(I don't agree that anyone paying £1500 a month maintenance is going to be under massive stress at work; it just depends on the personality and the job. If you've spare money you tend to be happier than if you're short of it. My university twins cost £50k not £18k a year and I am not stressed, upset, overworked or anything. It obviously just depends on the person and the nature of the work and its effect on that person).

Yes, it is a bloody luxury to be able to downgrade your hours for the sake of your mental health. Thousands of people out there struggling to get through the day but have no bloody choice. Day in, day out. Jesus wept.

But that's not the point. This isn't about people who are struggling like most of us . The exw doesn't sound like she's done much struggling and I don't see why OP and her dh should continue to fund this.

ohreallyohreallyoh
Yes, it is a bloody luxury to be able to downgrade your hours for the sake of your mental health.

sometimes its a necessity and a requirement not a luxury.

Yes, it is a bloody luxury to be able to downgrade your hours for the sake of your mental health

Tell that to the ex wife who may have to give up her tennis lessons and world tours. Pity the nanny has to go aswell. Some people do indeed just have to crack on .... sob

whats wrong with her dh making up the shortfall whats the difference

ignore her

It's simply not 'optional'.to keep working in the field he has been working in.
He was hospitalised with an abnormal heart rhythm in March that could have caused cardiac arrest. He was so stressed that his immune system had become suppressed. Causing continuing low grade infections like Tonsillitis /sinusitis chest infections (which he still has) - not talking about finding life 'a bit stressy ' ... proper full on life threatening stress. Told to stop by cardiac consultant or die before retirement age.

Why should it be his responsibility to 'provide' entirely. ?

She is a grown adult. The 'shortfall' is 600 a month. If she doesn't want to dip into her house money then she could work 18 hrs a week at minimum wage to make up the difference.
What on Earth makes her exempt ?

The XDW really is something else

Yes, it is a bloody luxury to be able to downgrade your hours for the sake of your mental health.

Jesus wept indeed.
Clearly you know bugger all about mental illness. It’s an ILLNESS. Clue is in the name!

OP, YANBU, I am, like most people reading this, totally on your side. Please do sit and work out by how much he’s overpaid in the past 6 years and send her that figure. She is the ultimate CF and needs to fuck right off. IMO.

I'm nerdy with figures too OP, always find a nicely presented factual spreadsheet can really help settle such things (like my ex who offered to buy me out for 10k until i proved he owed me 70k... but thats for another thread maybe). I hope this helps in this case

Wow, she is one proper CF.
YANBU at all... in the slightest!

Has she replied to your email?

It used to be the case that once a Court Order for maintenance had been in place for 12 months, either side could give notice to the other and ask CMS to deal with it.

YANBU - she sounds like a huge CF and I’m surprised you both put up with her for so long. She might find honest living isn’t as bad as she thinks

The problem is Guabaf1sh and others who have commented about her behaviour, I actually blame my DH and her now DH to a degree.
The behaviour from her is as it is because no one has called her on it. She has been pandered to and encouraged to believe that she is entitled to the lifestyle she has - purely down to the fact that she has given birth and is married to a rich man.

Ex wife is very typical of many women in her sphere. The common term is 'trophy wife' (not my term I would never denigrate another women in that way, just trying to make a point of reference) she is very beautiful. Spends a lot of time (and money ) on herself. I think she sees this 'as her job'. I'm not being sarcastic or bitchy, I truly believe she sees her 'wife' role as full time employment. She travels with her DH, hosts dinner and cocktail parties. Makes friends and 'cultivates' other wives in the same sphere. This requires costly upkeep. Lovely clothes and constant 'polishing'.
I personally couldn't think of anything more boring but I have a fascinating job that I really love.

This is all fine if her DH doesn't mind financing it. That's between her and him. Just don't expect me, who works full time (without a nanny ) and has 4 late teens/twenties at home , plus two part time , to pay for her choices.

I also seriously think that part of her anger is the fact that her husband divorced her and married an older, fatter, less attractive women as she seems very hung up on this. !

When 2 of the DC moved in with you, did he decrease Maintenance then or continue paying as if they were still living with her?

You are the least unreasonable person to post on here in the history of MN. She’s a greedy bitch.