To say no to paying DH maintenance bill.

[ivechangedmyusername]

Name changed but been here since before Mexican House thief and the small Korean lady in the Garden ..

DH has 4 dcs. (2 over 18 who now live with us/at Uni
I have 3. (2 over 18)

He paid £1500 a month in CM for 6yrs (as this covered the mortgage and was the divorce agreement. CMS was £918 so more than the minimum by quite a way. ) when ex remarried house was sold and ex retained 80% of the equity in exchange for no pension sharing. (Her share of the equity was £318k). She moved into her new (similarly wealthy , childless, ) husbands house. No mortgage. We know this because she tried (and failed) to move overseas with the dcs and part of the court process was full disclosure of their joint financial situation to prove they could afford to support the move.

My DH has been quite unwell mentally. He suffered from quite extreme stress from his job which whilst highly paid is equally highly stressful and performance based. We have evaluated our lives and decided that we would rather earn less and live longer - and have some more time for each other now the kids are older. He has taken unpaid leave from work which means he hasn't sought a new contract. He hasn't earned for 2 months whilst very unwell and has now decided to retrain in a completely different craft based field that will pay a quarter of what we he was previously earning.

Now to the AIBU . DH has emailed (the only way they can communicate even after a decade without a full scale screaming row. ) and told his ex what is happening and that CM will reduce in August to £325 per month. She has said that this is unacceptable and that his children 'still exist' and he needs to pay for them. He has told her that this is how it is going to be and that his maintenance payments should have reduced years ago when the eldest got to 18 but he didn't do that because he could afford not to. Now he needs to look after his health and this is what he can afford. CMS rate.
I have received an email from her today, the first time in a decade that she has spoken to me, telling me ;
' as you and my ex-husband have made a joint decision on this lifestyle choice, I think it only morally right that I look to you to make up the shortfall in maintenance.'. It is not my children's fault that their father is having some kind of midlife crisis and wants to go and commune with nature. He has children , they are not an optional financial obligation'. As you are supporting this plan, then it is only fair that you pay the shortfall in my children's finances in order to keep them in the lifestyle they are used to'.

For full disclosure, ex wife has not worked since eldest was born. (22yrs ago).
I have worked full time in a profession since 22 and only had a 3 month break after my first and 6 months for both subsequent babies.
My ex and I get on really well and he also pays me £500 pm in CMS for my only child now at home.
Husbands new job will not have a massive impact on our lifestyle except for the better (more time at home) .
AIBU so say no, I'm not paying what you perceive to be a shortfall and sod off and get a job. ?

Racecardriver where does OP say her DH won't be paying for his children? He will, just at the required rate rather than the years of overpayments he's done so far.

Does the court order say he had to pay x amount until they were a certain age and then y amount after until another certain age? If he has continued to pay x when he didn't need to then I think she needs to accept what he can give her. But you shouldn't get involved. Get him to email her and put her straight.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy
So basically, she has sat on her arse for over 20 years while raking in the cash from her ex (your DH)

You took the words right out of my mouth.

I would either ignore or reply saying something very rude indeed which would probably contain a lot of swear words (i.e don't be so fucking stupid, fuck off etc) Probably best ignore and let your DH deal with her.

But surely it isn't a "shortfall" if he has been paying well over the CMS rate for YEARS and the two older kids live with him and the CMS rate is what he will now be paying. Yes, of course everyone should provide for their children. Not at the risk of a mental health breakdown though. If you no longer have the capacity to work full time at a very stressful job then then you shouldn't be forced into it just to pay an extortionate amount to your ex who can't be arsed to work themself. He will still be paying, just not the £25000 a year he was. I think that is fair considering the ages of the children in question and the fact two live with the OP and he pays the Uni fees.

Tell her to get knotted

What fucked up logic - I shouldn't have to work to support my kids - but you should have to'

Namechange fail OP.

I agree with you and everyone else, especially as the two she still has at home are not small. It wouldn't surprise me if when they get to uni age, they'll also end up living with you, and then she can spend as much time as she wants with her husband.

Your husband really should be paying to support his children. It is very wrong if him not to.

@Racecardriver care to point out exactly where OP said he wouldn't be paying any maintenance?

Even if he had court ordered child maintenance there would have been nothing to stop either side going to the CMS for a reassessment after 12 months, which would then override the court ordered maintenance (assuming in England or Wales). If the DH was all about dodging his responsibilities I'm sure he'd have had the nous to do this.

She's not sat on her arse shes raised 4 children single handedly. That is a big drop without much notice. Whilst I can see your pov I can also see hers. It presumably impacts on the two children under 18 and is less than you are getting for your 1 child. How old are the remaining children?

@Motoko he's already not paying very much. He is now proposing to pay a bit over £300. That really isn't enough to support all of his children (even when you split their costs in half to account for their mother's responsibility). He can prioritise his health or happiness over his obligations to his children.

Presumably she HASN'T raised them single handed as they have an involved father.

Is Racecardriver the ExW

So it would be better for him to have a breakdown, possibly make himself very ill leading to him earning nothing and therefore paying even less, than give his ex 2 months notice of the decrease? And again this has nothing to do with the OP cause they are not her kids.

Racecar
Two of the DC are over 18 and live with their father when they are not at university.

redhelen believe it or not some women do sit on their arses. Also she hasn't done it singlehandedly.

I assume the payment wasn't adjusted when two came to live with you?

well given that he's been generous in the past, i wouldn't respond. i just wouldn't get into it. it's absolutely nothing to do with you.

£1500 per month for two DC when the other two live with him/uni paid for by him and he's not paying very much? What planet are you on racecardriver?!

Grasping cow and first class CF!

Oops with the NC ..I've asked them to delete as that username would make me identifiable to the subject of this post if she is on MN, which i suspect she is.. anyway.

The CMS amount is that based on what DH expects to be earning in August. His new job is based on his existing hobby so already has quite a good idea on what he has to do but needs a couple of months to perfect his technique ..

I am really pleased he has made this decision. I am also going to reduce my hours and salary. The last few months have shown me that life is too short. Having loads of material stuff is no good when you e died of a heart attack at 55 !!.
The kids will just have to get part time jobs like mine all have if they want 'extra' but quite frankly they all do quite well enough.

For someone who asked, no they don't go to Private school. A great bone of contention (another one !) between ex w and DH.) neither he or I believe in it. We have great state schools here which have done them all proud. 3 went to good Unis and one went to the top Uni so we don't feel they lost out in any way, they also had the advantage of mixing with kids from all backgrounds. Ex likes to tell him that he put his 'children's education in jeopardy ' .
They really are toxic to each other. DH fires back. Which he absolutely shouldn't but just can't hold his tongue.

Don't reply, literally ignore it. Don't entertain it for a second. If you reply it will just escalate. She is crackers.
I'm all for people taking responsibility when you have a "blended" (hate that term) family. But this is definitely a case of not your circus, not your monkeys.

If she tries to take you to court, counter by asking for maintenance for time the two have lived with you?

Your husband gave her 18k a year child maintenance. That is huge. She would also get over 3k a year in child benefit. So 21k tax free money a year for doing nothing, 318k equity in the house, no mortgage and a rich husband. She really doesn't know she is born. She is ridiculously entitled.
I would reply with "No because that would be absurd. If you want more money you will have to go out and earn it."

Ignore it.

Let your DH tell her to get a job if she's that concerned about their 'decrease in lifestyle'.

It sounds like he's paid more than he's been required to for quite some time, and his ex should have been preparing for the day payments would decrease and then cease. Not his problem if she hasn't done so.

Although it sounds like she's quite well off, frankly. What a cow.