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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT accept feeling like a breeding sow?!

113 replies

Notlivestock · 24/06/2018 21:43

I have had a really terrible afternoon with my mother - unusual for us because we generally get on well (though this is largely because I spend my life being a peacemaker).

DM asked me if my DH and I are planning to ttc soon. She is desperate for grandchildren, and loves nothing more than to talk to me about what it will be like when I one day have kids. I told her we have no immediate plans, which is true. I explained that we aren't in the financial position we would want to be, that I want to progress further in my career first, that we have a big holiday next year I wouldn't want to be pregnant for, that I love my life as it currently is and I'm not ready to change just yet. Reminded her that I'm not yet 30 so it's not like I'm running out of time.

She absolutely flipped out. She said 'it's never going to happen, is it?'. I asked her if that would be the worst thing ever and she said 'yes - it's the worst thing you could do to me.'

She then said DH and I keep on booking holidays (we don't - next year will be our first proper holiday in 3 years) which shows we aren't interested. I said this is the time we should be having holidays, when we are young enough to enjoy them. She burst into tears and said 'that's how I feel - that I should get to be a grandparent while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' (She's 55 btw...).

She said 'it's up to you but if you make a selfish decision you'll be depriving your father and I of the one thing that would make us happiest.'

I honestly don't think I've ever felt worse. It's like she's disregarded all my autonomy and my goals and ambitions etc because she doesn't see any of that as important compared to my main purpose - providing her with grandchildren. It's like I'm livestock she wants to breed.

I don't even really know what my AIBU is, but where do I go from here? This is the worst it's ever been but she talks about my future children constantly. She asks when I'm planning to try constantly. She has another grandchild on the bloody way from my sibling but it hasn't changed anything. How do I escape this? It feels like a nightmare.

OP posts:
Adambarlow · 24/06/2018 21:44

Weird and obsessive.
Tell her to fuck off.

mimibunz · 24/06/2018 21:48

Have you tried approaching her, so that you can control the narrative, and telling her straight up that she is being unreasonable and has no right to try to dictate what you do with your body? Remind her that she has had her turn at motherhood. But this is your life, not hers. You are not an extension of her. I feel cross on your behalf, OP!

RedPanda2 · 24/06/2018 21:50

Wowee. So you should have children to please HER??? Not today Satan, not today. You should only have children for yourself. Tell her to do one!

ILoveDolly · 24/06/2018 21:51

You need to ignore her because you don't owe her a grandchild. Her attitude is incredibly self centred. Of course your fertility and parenting plans should be on your terms.

Maelstrop · 24/06/2018 21:52

When mine used to bang on about this, I’d be extremely cold and tell her it was none of her damned business. Try that. Mine only stopped hoping once I hit about 45, so good luck, OP!

It seriously isn’t her business.

mummymeister · 24/06/2018 21:53

I would be absolutely livid in your position. I What an awful thing to say to your own child!

Look I hope this isn't the case but you might struggle to conceive, so what then? no doubt no support from her or your father then.

I would outright tell her this. what will she do if you cant have children, stop speaking to you?

tell her in no uncertain terms to stop. try the usual diversion techniques each time she brings it up but if she really will not stfu then say "every time you raise this subject, when I have asked you not to I am leaving" and stick to it.

Original poster
Notlivestock · 24/06/2018 21:55

Thank you everyone Flowers she has a way of getting into my head and making me feel like maybe I am being selfish, so your reassurances are appreciated! I think I do need to approach her on my own terms and explain to her how inappropriate it is. It is difficult though because it's such an emotive subject for her. For my own sanity though I probably need to try!

OP posts:
Original poster
Notlivestock · 24/06/2018 21:58

@mummymeister you've hit the nail on the head - I sometimes think about what will happen if I have fertility issues and feel sick at the thought. Her favourite anecdote is to tell us (and believe me I know this crosses all kinds of boundaries!) that every time she had unprotected sex in her life she fell pregnant. So I think she just assumes it's a stroll in the park for everyone. I am terrified that I won't ever be able to have children and I'll know that I'm her eyes I can never make up for that. It's shit.

I like the suggestion of leaving every time she ignores me asking her not to talk about it - she would have to get the message eventually!

OP posts:
Davros · 24/06/2018 21:58

How would she take it if you said calmly "how dare you speak to me like that?"? It often takes the wind out of people's sails

Aprilshouldhavebeenmyname · 24/06/2018 22:00

Send her to dogs trust if she needs something to fuss over.

Original poster
Notlivestock · 24/06/2018 22:01

davros I don't actually know... the thought is both thrilling and terrifying! I worry it would escalate the situation as she's not good at accepting an criticism, perceived or otherwise. She gets very defensive. But possibly being brought up short is what she needs.

OP posts:
lhastingsmua · 24/06/2018 22:07

She’s crazy. It’s not your purpose in life to give her something to do (ie grandchildren). Her outburst is immature.

You’ll have children when you’re ready to, whether your mother is 55 or 75. It’s not her life to dictate!

SerenDippitty · 24/06/2018 22:09

She has no right to grandchildren and you do not have a duty to give her any.

lhastingsmua · 24/06/2018 22:10

I would send her a text along the lines of ‘I don’t want to discuss this with you again - don’t bring it up again.’

Any shred of sympathy I may have had for her is lost now that I read that she already has grandchildren and another on the way. Ridiculous

SalutingMagpies · 24/06/2018 22:10

You’re not being selfish at all. She’s going down the right road to not be allowed access to any future DC that you do have, if she carries on with this kind of manipulative behaviour.

Davros · 24/06/2018 22:12

notlivestock maybe give it a try because you're not picking on the specifics of what she's saying, just how she's speaking to you and her general demands

Topseyt · 24/06/2018 22:14

She sounds very self centred. Like a spoilt brat.

You have to tell her that she doesn't get to dictate your life, and that you won't be spoken to like that.

GabsAlot · 24/06/2018 22:20

i dont get it she as a grandchild on the way how is she being deprived

or does your sibling and her not get along

i dont have kids never wanted them-noone pressurised me or expected them-there are grandchildren now sadly our dm never got to see them but she never expected any from anyone

i dont think yore relationship is as good as you think sorry op

Agerbilatemycardigan · 24/06/2018 22:21

As the child of someone who had children out of duty to her parents (she was an only child) I think that you should only have children as and when you're ready.

My mother's in her 80s now, and I'm NC with her because of the way she resented me being born.

Your mother does not get to dictate what you do with your body or when you do it.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/06/2018 22:22

Is she actually for real.

specialsubject · 24/06/2018 22:24

this is absolutely utterly outrageous. tell her that it is not her business and of she does not shut up about it your relationship with her is at major risk.

Dibbosteme · 24/06/2018 22:31

My children are 27 and 32, both are busy with their careers and neither can yet afford a home of their own.

I have joked about how lovely it would be to have Grandchildren and the standard answer is "HAHA never going to happen mother!"

Possibly try to explain how hard it would be with childcare and a full-time career. Then tell her that she should simply mind her own business, it what my kids would do and should be the end of the conversation.

Chesntoots · 24/06/2018 22:31

Bloody he'll, that's awful.

I never wanted kids and the only person who mentioned it was my grandma. Once. My parents certainly never did.

My mum only had us because it was the done thing. She told me that she loved us but if she had her time again she wouldn't have had kids. I didn't resent her for telling me, just felt a bit sad that she didn't feel able to go against the societal norms of the time.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, apart from telling her it's non of her business. You were certainly more patient than I would have been!

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 24/06/2018 22:34

@RedPanda2
*
Not today Satan, not today.
*
🌈** perfectly put.

Your DM sounds very odd OP. Ignore and enjoy your holiday.

GinnyWreckin · 24/06/2018 22:42

She needs a hobby or a puppy.

You on the other hand need to draw a circle round yourself and your DH, and defend it.

If she brings up her desires to be a grandparent again, stand up and leave.
Just like that, and every time she mentions it stand up and leave.
She’ll get the message you’re not taking shit from her.

For your own mental health, I’d cut down meeting her for a few weeks at least.

And for reassurance, I’d ask your DH to have a sperm test. Not everything is the “woman’s fault” with fertility, and it will give you a reassurance to know that your DH has no problems, and if he has a problem like low sperm counts or anything like that, well knowledge is power, and you’ll know a regimen for him to boost his fertility, and also it might take longer to get pregnant if you ever ever decide to.