To NOT accept feeling like a breeding sow?!

[Notlivestock]

I have had a really terrible afternoon with my mother - unusual for us because we generally get on well (though this is largely because I spend my life being a peacemaker).

DM asked me if my DH and I are planning to ttc soon. She is desperate for grandchildren, and loves nothing more than to talk to me about what it will be like when I one day have kids. I told her we have no immediate plans, which is true. I explained that we aren't in the financial position we would want to be, that I want to progress further in my career first, that we have a big holiday next year I wouldn't want to be pregnant for, that I love my life as it currently is and I'm not ready to change just yet. Reminded her that I'm not yet 30 so it's not like I'm running out of time.

She absolutely flipped out. She said 'it's never going to happen, is it?'. I asked her if that would be the worst thing ever and she said 'yes - it's the worst thing you could do to me.'

She then said DH and I keep on booking holidays (we don't - next year will be our first proper holiday in 3 years) which shows we aren't interested. I said this is the time we should be having holidays, when we are young enough to enjoy them. She burst into tears and said 'that's how I feel - that I should get to be a grandparent while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' (She's 55 btw...).

She said 'it's up to you but if you make a selfish decision you'll be depriving your father and I of the one thing that would make us happiest.'

I honestly don't think I've ever felt worse. It's like she's disregarded all my autonomy and my goals and ambitions etc because she doesn't see any of that as important compared to my main purpose - providing her with grandchildren. It's like I'm livestock she wants to breed.

I don't even really know what my AIBU is, but where do I go from here? This is the worst it's ever been but she talks about my future children constantly. She asks when I'm planning to try constantly. She has another grandchild on the bloody way from my sibling but it hasn't changed anything. How do I escape this? It feels like a nightmare.

I have been married for 5 years this August, I have had this from my mother for the past 4 of them.

It got to a point at 3 years where I actually told her we'd decided not to have children and she could either accept our decision and have a relationship with us, or we'd just not speak. She accepted that and didn't raise it again.

DH and I hadn't made that decision at all.. but we were happy that it would happy when it happened and if it didn't, then we were ok with that too.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant and just about to turn 30 in a few weeks. Obviously, my mum is over the moon about it but we had to be tough in order to stop her trying to guilt trip me.

YANBU and you need to put the harsh word on her and your dad.

On the one hand I think it is extremely weird for someone to be so invested in having grandchildren.
On the other hand I do - completely unexpectedly - have pangs of panic at the thought neither of my offspring are going to reproduce. Has anyone read (the first bit of) The Selfish Gene? Maybe there's some strange instinct in us that is just obsessed with the idea that our genes must continue!

Your mother sounds hideously self-centred.

Tell her the decision to have children is entirely a matter between you & your husband. Then add that it is disappointing she doesn't understand & respect the reasons you've given, but as that sadly is the case you will not be discussing it with her again.

And stick to this - next time she raises it, just say, "we've been through this. I'm not discussing it again." And the next time. And the next. Make this reply your mantra!

Why would life be terrible if your DC didn't have children ThinkingCat?

DD has told me she never wants children, and I am perfectly fine with that. I just want her to be happy. That is all.

As I read your OP, the hackles rose up on my neck. This is what I read -

You have a great relationship because you spend your time placating her
The fact that your sibling is having a baby doesn’t count
She thinks it’s appropriate to discuss her sex life withyou
She thinks her opinion on your sex life/procreating is appropriate.

If you are ready for it, try daughtersofnarcissiticmothers.com

You might be the golden child, your sibling the scapegoat. She thinks you are there as an extension of her, and actually are just an incubator.

Of all the hideous things my mother said in similar circumstances, the “of course your DF always wanted a granddaughter”, after I’d had two boys, was possibly the most hurtful. My DF had already died at that point.

Anyway, obviously massively coloured by my own experiences, and i sometimes wonder if my life would be easier if I hadn’t even found out the pattern..but that’s what I see!

You can try standing up to her, but the heavens might open and rain plagues on you (or your mother will). A golden child contradicting her DM can bring forth hell.

Sorry, probably not helpful.

FGS, your mother needs to get a grip.

I was 66 before ours first Gdc arrived - dd was 38. I never once asked her what her plans were re babies, or banged on about wanting Gdcs.

I used to feel so sorry for a friend of hers, whose mother kept moaning and sighing that she was never going to have grandchildren at this rate.

It wasn't that the girl didn't want them - she just hadn't found the right bloke to have them with, so it was particularly insensitive IMO.

All mothers should IMO keep their noses right out of this issue and STFU about it.

This is one of those things that annoys me more than anything.
No parent should ever mention grandchildren, it's something they should show no preference for so as not to pressure their child with expectations.
If they get them, it's a privilege, if they don't, they weren't owed any.

LoniceraJaponica I don't know - I didn't understand when my own mother was jealous of other women with grandchildren and I certainly didn't have children to please her! As I said it's like some weird genetic feeling of panic!

Could just tell her that you aren't having any.
Then if you do it's a surprise

She's going to be crazy when said imaginary possible future child is born, get the barriers up now

Oh my god that's awful! You should most definitely only have kids when you're ready! Seriously, enjoy yourselves while you can, you're still young too! Just keep telling her, it's none of her business, she might get the message eventually. My sister is 39 and doesn't have any but no one mentions it to her, we don't know if maybe she has tried and it hadn't happened in the past or anything and I wouldn't dream of bringing it up!

Nothing is guaranteed in life, she can wish, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen. Lots of things can happen in her life or other peoples lives

My mum says it fairly regularly, I've even had a cry at her. I'm 37, with no suitable partner, and really really want kids. She doesn't mean any harm but I am nearly sure I won't get to have any and I can't bear it when she does ask. I can't magic them out f the air! At least you're young with a partner and the full intention to have kids!

For the sake of your sanity you must let all of her insane ramblings roll off your back. She has NO SAY in your life plans, and you need to make this abundantly clear. When she kicks off, you leave. Don't ever subject yourself to her lunacy. If she refuses to stop harassing you, you will be forced to distance yourself from her.

Thank you so much for all the supportive words it does seem like I will have to stand up to her a bit more - I like the advice just to shut it down every time and just not allow the conversation to happen. If I can engineer that in such a way that it doesn't trigger her defensive response it might be an ideal solution!

I have no idea why she doesn't seem appeased by the grandchild she has coming. It's my brother's baby and they have a much easier relationship than she and I do, they've always got on brilliantly. She is really excited about the baby, loves my brother's wife etc. But it hasn't eased the pressure on me at all. I think it's as much about her wanting control as anything. And I also think because I live closer and because she has a weird thing about thinking that your daughter having a baby is somehow different to your son having one (I don't get this AT ALL but she seems to think it...) she is still very invested in the idea of grandchildren from me particularly. My brother is hugely supportive to me and sometimes able to talk to her in a way I can't so I am going to speak to him as well and ask his advice.

thanks all so much - you've reassured me and given me great words of wisdom!

That's ridiculous of her! It's nothing to do with her whether you have children or not - just between your and your DH. Even if you wanted to spend all your money on holidays/whatever and never have kids - totally your call. Easy to say but try not to let her get to you, but I'd definitely see her less.

I would second @lborgia

Your Mother sounds like a narcissist. Hopefully once your db’s baby arrives, it may take a bit of heat off you.
The next few years are for you to practice putting up strong boundaries between you and your mother & enforcing them.

Go on your holidays and enjoy your life! At 55 if she wants a baby tell her to foster one! And the fact it's making you this upset and guilty is ridiculous! She doesn't get to decide when you start a family!

So everytime she had unprotected sex she fell pregnant? Then there must be other siblings that can do the honours then.

Wowwwwww. Nothing helpful to add but my mum went through a stage of this

She’s not as bad now but all of her friends were having grandchild and she hates being left out. She also thinks that I should do what she says just because I’m her child

I’d just lay low for a while and ignore her for a while personally

Man, oh man.

Have totally been there. From the moment I got married my mother started discussing with the whole world about how I wanted to have kids but was worried about fertility because of my age (I married late). Then came the pressure to do IVF, you can't even imagine, full tantrums about "my selfishness". The accusations that I was lying to her and doing treatments in secret because we decided to not go down that route. Then, when my brother had babies, I was supposed to be as obsessed about the babies as she is. Like, if I don't comment on a baby picture on WhatsApp, there is a strop.

One day I sat her down and told her the doctors have given us zero chances of ever getting pregnant even with treatment, and she needs to leave us alone.

It worked.

She sounds a bit overwhelming, I can understand her desire to be a grandma but voicing it constantly and being so uncaring about your feelings is a bit worrying.
How close do you live to her? Just saying if there’s a move in your near future you may want to put some distance between you before any hypothetical kids arrive.

Imagine if you did have a child: she’d be all over it.
Enjoy your holidays.

Just be thankful your sibling is doing the honours. She is going to be the ultimate Velcro granny - they’ll have to peel her off the baby.

I think the posters who mentioned narcissism, particularly the one who suggested your mother sees you as an extension of herself, are on the money. I'm sorry. I have experience of this (not of this particular manifestation of it, but of this attitude) and it is very, very difficult. But you need boundaries, strong ones. It really does feel as if the world is caving in when you displease her - and weather the displeasure - the first few times. But you are getting to that tipping point where the emotional cost to you in putting up is greater than the cost of incurring that displeasure.

My observation is that there are a lot of women out there who feel entitled to take out resentment at their own lot in life, perhaps at societal or familial restrictions they experienced, on their daughters. For whom a daughter is a legitimate source of power and control. You don't have to go along with that.

My mum was 7 years older than yours when she was gm to my ds m.55 is v young to be a gm in my experience.Tell her to chill out ffs talk about pressure