To NOT accept feeling like a breeding sow?!

[Notlivestock]

I have had a really terrible afternoon with my mother - unusual for us because we generally get on well (though this is largely because I spend my life being a peacemaker).

DM asked me if my DH and I are planning to ttc soon. She is desperate for grandchildren, and loves nothing more than to talk to me about what it will be like when I one day have kids. I told her we have no immediate plans, which is true. I explained that we aren't in the financial position we would want to be, that I want to progress further in my career first, that we have a big holiday next year I wouldn't want to be pregnant for, that I love my life as it currently is and I'm not ready to change just yet. Reminded her that I'm not yet 30 so it's not like I'm running out of time.

She absolutely flipped out. She said 'it's never going to happen, is it?'. I asked her if that would be the worst thing ever and she said 'yes - it's the worst thing you could do to me.'

She then said DH and I keep on booking holidays (we don't - next year will be our first proper holiday in 3 years) which shows we aren't interested. I said this is the time we should be having holidays, when we are young enough to enjoy them. She burst into tears and said 'that's how I feel - that I should get to be a grandparent while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' (She's 55 btw...).

She said 'it's up to you but if you make a selfish decision you'll be depriving your father and I of the one thing that would make us happiest.'

I honestly don't think I've ever felt worse. It's like she's disregarded all my autonomy and my goals and ambitions etc because she doesn't see any of that as important compared to my main purpose - providing her with grandchildren. It's like I'm livestock she wants to breed.

I don't even really know what my AIBU is, but where do I go from here? This is the worst it's ever been but she talks about my future children constantly. She asks when I'm planning to try constantly. She has another grandchild on the bloody way from my sibling but it hasn't changed anything. How do I escape this? It feels like a nightmare.

Wow she sounds incredibly selfish! Wanting you to give up your life choices so she an be happy?! That's crazy. Z

I would say "mum please do not push this subject anymore because you will end up pushing me away. It's my choice."

OP I am not sure about the advice to tell her you are Never having children. She will make it her life's mission to try to talk you round. I think you would be best telling her that it is your decision, you will make it at a time of your choosing and in the meantime the subject is not up for discussion. Reinforce this by leaving the room, or the house if necessary every time she brings it up.

Iborgia you asked of it if ever worked for me, I’ve told you yes it has and exactly why it’s worked. It’s not an attack, it’s your question answered. Unless of course your question was rhetorical? I think you’ll also find that in my comment in reply to the OP, there was no ultimatum given. In addition, if you read through the rest of the thread, the majority of other posters are saying exactly the same thing as me. So do calm down.

Get her a puppy, I'm 54 and have 4 grandsons,I love them dearly but it was their decisions to have them. I didn't put any pressure on them and when DD2 said they didn't intend to have any because they wanted to travel I was pleased for them , although it was a ploy as they soon had a gorgeous baby.

Oh. OK.

YANBU in the slightest. It must be painful for her to feel so desperate for grandchildren, but it doesn't mean you owe her them at a time that suits her. Or at all, come to that.

She sounds like my mil before we had a baby and believe me if you do she will be so suffocatingly overinvested. Enjoy your holidays while you can, there is no rush at all.

My mother was a bit like this. I clearly remember her saying when she was in her late 40's or early 50's that she hoped my unmarried sister would come back from abroad pregnant - but if it had been me pregnant I'd been told in no uncertain terms that I'd be kicked out 😳

Interestingly enough when I was several years married and pregnant she told me on no account was I to expect her to look after my DCs at all - and she never did! My sisters DCs however she looked after regularly, day and night.
And she wonders why we're not close....

back the fuck off bitch - no uterus no opinion!

"I like the suggestion of leaving every time she ignores me asking her not to talk about it - she would have to get the message eventually!"

I agree with that suggestion too, although I'd also tell her the only person being selfish is Her.

Wow, what a lot of pressure! she already has another grandchild on the way and she's only 55, she's not pushing 80 and running out of time to enjoy getting to know her grandchildren!

I wonder whether you could write her a letter- explaining that you will consider having kids when it is right for you and your DH because then you can bring them up to feel loved, secure and to have the best possible future. Explain that your parents have raised you well, to value enjoying life and all that it has to offer and that you want the same for any future kids that you have! Also that there are practicalities such as child-care, financial considerations and you want to bring your kids into the best possible environment.

Then ignore any future comments and either change the subject or walk out of the room if necessary!

And you're the selfish one? She sounds totally neurotic.

I would refuse to engage with her about this. Every time it comes up just ignore it and steer the coversation elsewhere. Refuse to say one word on it and then she’s got nothing to fight back against. She’s being ridiculous, selfish and weird.