To NOT accept feeling like a breeding sow?!

[Notlivestock]

I have had a really terrible afternoon with my mother - unusual for us because we generally get on well (though this is largely because I spend my life being a peacemaker).

DM asked me if my DH and I are planning to ttc soon. She is desperate for grandchildren, and loves nothing more than to talk to me about what it will be like when I one day have kids. I told her we have no immediate plans, which is true. I explained that we aren't in the financial position we would want to be, that I want to progress further in my career first, that we have a big holiday next year I wouldn't want to be pregnant for, that I love my life as it currently is and I'm not ready to change just yet. Reminded her that I'm not yet 30 so it's not like I'm running out of time.

She absolutely flipped out. She said 'it's never going to happen, is it?'. I asked her if that would be the worst thing ever and she said 'yes - it's the worst thing you could do to me.'

She then said DH and I keep on booking holidays (we don't - next year will be our first proper holiday in 3 years) which shows we aren't interested. I said this is the time we should be having holidays, when we are young enough to enjoy them. She burst into tears and said 'that's how I feel - that I should get to be a grandparent while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' (She's 55 btw...).

She said 'it's up to you but if you make a selfish decision you'll be depriving your father and I of the one thing that would make us happiest.'

I honestly don't think I've ever felt worse. It's like she's disregarded all my autonomy and my goals and ambitions etc because she doesn't see any of that as important compared to my main purpose - providing her with grandchildren. It's like I'm livestock she wants to breed.

I don't even really know what my AIBU is, but where do I go from here? This is the worst it's ever been but she talks about my future children constantly. She asks when I'm planning to try constantly. She has another grandchild on the bloody way from my sibling but it hasn't changed anything. How do I escape this? It feels like a nightmare.

diddimus - did this approach work for you? Because generally, if you present peope with ultimatums in this sort of scenario, you are going to get more problems, not less.

Absolutely worked because I don’t let the prescedent to be set. If a family memeber has upset me, I tell them. Emotional blackmailers like to play games, I don’t partake. There’s nothing they can do to someone that refuses to play. If you want to dance around ‘playing the game’, go ahead but I’ve not got the time to waste and would rather choose to spend my time around people that enrich my life rather than upset it.

Not read the whole thread but goodness I am 54 and being a grandparent is the last thing on my mind, I have so much I want to do with my life , even if at the moment life is a bit too much for me .

Could the menopause be a factor here , is she depressed otherwise and feeling generally purposeless.I think this is more about her than you.

How awful for you, I'd be saying that what occurs within your uterus is your business! What if you did decide to concieve but found you had difficulty (just for arguments sake)would she be so angry then? It's very selfish of her,

Perhaps when your brother’s child is actually born she’ll be distracted and give you less grief. However you must be very hurt by her blatant attempt to guilt-trip you and suggest that you are ruining her life. Has she always been this self-obsessed? Would it work to sit down with her quietly and say “Look Mum, you might want to be a Granny but have you forgotten how to be a Mum? I’d like a Mum to support me in my plans on life and be proud of me for my own achievements, not one who only sees me as a breeding sow to produce children to make you happy. Can’t you see how hurtful and sad it makes me feel that my own Mum doesn’t care about me any more?”

She’s bloody lucky that you are already settled with a partner at 30, it’s only a case of patience until you are ready. So few women find the right man as young as you have.

A tiny bit of advice from me though, as the most avid career woman/traveller/independent not fussed about kids type- don’t leave it too late (ie much beyond 35) because you might absolutely love it and want two or three. I had no choice as didn’t meet my husband till I was 38 then had a few issues conceiving, so our DS will be an only. I absolutely love motherhood and would ideally have started it about 3 or 4 years earlier. But that’s about YOU (and your DH), and I was an extreme case, first time Mum at 43.

Just say ‘actually all of your wittering about kids has changed my mind from a maybe to a definite no’

Didn't Bridgett Nielson have a baby at 55? Tell your mum to crack on and have one herself

She needs to find her own raison d'etre/entertainment. Not your responsibility. You do need to work on your boundaries. Even if you had a child the demands would not stop...there would always be something else. Make it clear you are not playing this game.

How hurtful! Ask her if she's REALLY, actually had enough of having a daughter, and would prefer a cute baby instead?

@wizzywig LOVE it!

Brigitte Nielsen just had her 5th baby this week, aged 55.

Tell your DM that if she and your DF are so desperate to have a little one running around their home, to free up some capital on their home and head to a fertility clinic themselves if it's that important!!

Xpost with wizzywig

My cousin told my aunt that she'd add another year on every time her mother mentioned it!

On a more serious note. My mum could never relate to me as a career person, it wasn't til I had a baby that she felt she had anything in common. Imitation is the highest form of flattery. Maybe she needs your life to replicate hers to validate her choices

My mum is similar. We haven't had our wedding yet but I know that as soon as that's done my mum will be ramping up the pressure.

We do plan to TTC fairly soon afterwards but at the same time, I am in two minds about it. I love our life as it is now, where we can go out for dinner and on holiday, and just enjoy each other's company. I'm a few years older than you but if I were Under 30 I would definitely want to wait a bit longer too.

I don't really have any advice other than to say YADNBU. You should have children because you want to and are ready, not because your mother wants a baby grandchild to cuddle and buy cute outfits for. Ultimately you and your partner are the ones who will be responsible for bringing your child up, so it should be up to you to decide when (and indeed whether) you want to do that.

She sounds horrendous. I would point her in the direction of an organisation that matches families who don't have grandparents with couples who don't have grandchildren.

Another couple of thoughts- is your Dad any more reasonable? Can you enlist him to have a word with her about how this is making you feel?
Second, how old was she when her first child was born and did you have a good relationship with your own grandparents? I’m just wondering if rather than talking in the abstract about the future you might, if you can keep the conversation calm, be able to get her to open up about how she felt about her own Mum’s involvement in when she had her children, and generally see if it makes her more reflective about why she might be behaving the way that she is. Get out the photo albums, let her cast her mind back to when she was a young Mum and how hard it was and not something to be done before you feel ready. Just trying to think of ways forward that don’t involve confrontation and anger, and could maybe promote understanding on both sides.

"that I should get to be a grandparent while I'm still young enough to enjoy it.' "

How selfcentred can you get!

I'd have to seriously consider seeing much less of her her even nothing for a few months.

Awful. Just ignore her, or if you have the strength to follow through, then straight-out tell her you will reduce contact with her if she carries on this way.

My own mother has been like this since my early twenties (!!!) and now in my late thirties has entered panic mode. It’s horrendous, especially as she was a genuinely awful and thoroughly negligent mother herself, and not wanting to condemn another human to a life with her in it is actually one of the factors that’s made me indecisive about TTC.

Mine is like a bulldozer so telling her stop is no good. I just say “we’ve talked about this” whenever she brings it up, then wait for her to exhaust herself with her ranting.

@TinyTear - that's how I felt round my mother - that I just didn't matter any more. Grandchildren were everything.

diddimus - um, I'm not sure why you felt the need to affect superiority, which only serves to prove that until you have that kind of parent you have NO idea what you're talking about.

If you have been raised by this kind of parent you have never experienced having your own opinions/ agency.

I really was trying to explain, apologies if I upset you - I can only imagine I did, don't otherwise understand your defensiveness and having to justify your own thoughts by attacking.

OP, I hope your brother can help you resolve this, and that she gets back in her box. If not, there's been lots of insight on here.

'Mum, you do know that all this obsessive behaviour is doing is telling us that if we were to decide to have children, the first thing we'd do is to move very, very far away from you? You sound like the kind of nightmare interfering grandparent who would make our lives a misery if we were ever silly enough to have a baby near you.

I may as well be clear: if we ever did have a child, we would be the same people. I don't know what you imagine being grandparent to my child would be like, but I would certainly not want or need another adult around all the time and definitely not one with such a weird sense of ownership over our lives and decisions as you seem to have already. You need to calm down and you need to STOP talking as if me having a baby would change your life - I can tell you right now it very much wouldn't. Back off.'

It's wrong, and i would worry about what she might be like if you did have a baby! she has had her turn at babies, anyway!

Sounds like the sort of person who would blame you for fertility issues ('left it too late') and miscarriage ('wouldnt slow down') and foetal issues ('dreadful diet') tbh. That's really bad to be so over invested in this. Stay away for a bit. A lot.

I was 37 when I got my first grandchild. I love him to bits but I am the opposite to the OP's mum; I always tell my children to not have any children and to travel, travel, travel!

You (and anyone else for that matter) should only have a baby if YOU want to, and if YOU are happy with that choice. Nobody has the right to insist you should have a baby, and for your mum to say those horrible things to you and burst into tears? That's emotional blackmail in its finest form. She should be ashamed of herself.

I agree with PPs that she sounds incredibly self centred. Personally, I would limit contact/reduce contact with your mother because her behaviour has been appalling. If she questions why, I agree with the majority of PPs comments and advice. Otherwise, try and ignore PP. Don't let anyone force you into doing something you don't want to.

Took hubby and I 10yrs trying to have our daughter in 2014 and she is loved by all, two years ago PIL stated they hoped another baby would come at Xmas time and aimed eyes at BIL and wife. Akward.

Guess who fell pregnant in november last year (me) and she instantly goes on the anger mode saying we can't afford it, hubby is gonna die from work overload, trying to hen peck me eyx.

I just looked at her and said "back the fuck off bitch - no uterus no opinion!).

Ugh - tell her to take a long walk off a short bridge or adopt a puppy to spoil