To make dd give up her room if she can't look after it.

[Donthugmeimscared]

I am so sick of dd 13 living in filth. She is disgusting. We are in a three bed house and her brothers 7 and 10 share. I'm so fed up with her mess that I've told her that if she doesn't sort it out she's sharing with her 7 yr old ds and her 10yr old ds can have her room as he will actually appreciate it.

By disgusting I mean gross she couldn't give a toss what she leaves on the floor including underwear where her San pro has leaked. I've helped her many times to clean it only for the floor to be covered in crap by the next day. Even worse if I take clean clothes in for her to put away she just chucks it on top of the mess. It's only a small box room so gets bad fast and according to her I'm stressing her out telling her to clean it and it's her human right to have a room for herself.

Wibu to actually follow through with this?

I would remove something from her room each day it's messy so TV, extension cables, iPod, phone, docking station etc, then change the WiFi password and so on until her room is just a bed and school uniform. 5 days of keeping it tidy and she earns something back.
Agree that if friends are round then they see her room as it is.
All my friends and I were horribly messy as teens however we were clean if that makes sense? It was makeup, hair products, cables and clothes on the floor, no plates or dirty knickers

It would be unfair on you 7yo DS. Also inapproriate for opposite sex siblings to share when one is a teen.

When she leaves home and pays her own rent then she can do what she wants. Until then she abides by the rules and respects her allocated space in the family home. Her brothers have to share their space so she should consider herself lucky she has a room to herself. And ban her from your room. If she can't entertain in her own, she doesn't get to have mates round.
(Braces for a flaming)...

Completely agree with all of this and was just about to say something similar myself.
Clean clothes thrown on the floor etc is very disrespectful.
Dirty clothes especially blood stained clothes thrown on the floor is disgusting and she should know better! My DSS is 12 and although I put away his clothes usually, it's mostly because his room is tidy and everything has a place that can be easily put away. Ok, so he leaves out the odd book, or box of computer games. Sometimes pair of socks on the floor but next time I look they've gone! When I hoover or dust his room I sometimes have a little tidy up and remove a few empty sweet wrappers of chewing gum, but that's all.

Too bad if I get flamed but nah, I don't stand for this. First time I ask nicely for it to be cleaned. Second time, not quite so nicely. Third strike and then I just bag it all up and bin it. And I do bin it.

I also don't allow them to eat in their rooms. I got sick and tired or cleaning up other people's mess. I am not staff. Also, I was fed up of feeling like I was trapped living in a shit pit that I pay for. Respect my home or conditions get harsh.

We have a tidy home now. And everyone helps out.

I think YABU as it's either an empty or unreasonable threat. I was super messy as a teenager and did genuinely get stressed by it but couldn't really organise myself into sorting it. I think you need to find a balance between helping her get into good habits and allowing her some privacy and freedom.

I would make putting dirty clothes away and bringing down any dirty crockery or food part of her bedtime routine (by which I obviously mean just remind her to do it before she brushes her teeth and make sure she actually has). You could also insist clothing is put away ASAP. Anything else I would leave to her discretion.

Donthugmeimscared
I am so sick of dd 13 living in filth.

I was like it at 13. Drove my Mother mad, my Dad used to just shut the door. I wasn't allowed friends in though.

A couple of mine are/were like it too, I shut the door, my DH is driven mad by it. Same rule though, no friends in it.

I feel your pain having had two teenage dds.

I kept sane by mostly ignoring and only had one rule - If things got to be a “health and safety” issue then I’d tell them they had x number of hours to clean their room. If it wasn’t done I’d be going in with a black bin bag and everything on the floor would be out in it.

This worked every single time!

By “health and safety issue” I meant if they couldn’t walk about their room without nearly breaking a bone,

It's an empty threat re changing bedrooms as the other 2 are both young boys and she's a teenage girl.

You need a 2 pronged approach:

1. Work with her to figure out a system of keeping the room tidy
2. Consquences if not done (easy: no friends allowed round)

Part of the problem with mess is that it becomes too difficult to tackle. Has she got enough storage, a place for everything and a dirty washing basket (perhaps a clean washing basket so you can put clothes in there for her to put away so she can't get it all mixed up). And a bin and everything she needs. Perhaps a packet of baby wipes for her room would encourage her to wipe up minor messes like tea cup rings, stray hairs or homework mess from pens etc). Enough wardrobe space, enough drawer space. Shoe rack, whatever stuff she has around, it needs a place.

Before you start getting mad, make sure the job is do-able as above. Lots of people get mad about mess when actually a reorganised system is needed, rather than just forcing "tidying".

I think YABU. Why should your 7yo have to put up with that?

I was a bit of a tramp at the same age as your daughter, Dad used to go mad at the amount of glasses and cups littered everywhere.

I'm 33 now and super tidy! Hopefully she'll grow out of it but I think it's unfair to dump her on your poor son

YANBU. However, long term you need to make peace with your lack of control of your dd's room and help her find a way to cope, so really YAB a bit U. Sorry!

I know how you feel. My dd's room is messy. Really messy too. But it is a stressful time for teenagers these days and you would be very unkind to make her and her younger brother share, unkind to her and to him.

In your shoes I would find some positive incentives that she may like. Treats, trips out or whatever to encourage her to do better. Have a more frugal birthday for her if you need to to make way in the budget for some incentives! Thin carrots not sticks! IMHO.

These years will slip by fast and you will wonder why you stressed so.

My dd used to have a lot of dirty cups and bowls in her room. I nagged a little and slowly she has started putting them outside the door and slowly they may even make it downstairs.

I would also warn her insects love old food, and clutter and I've even known of something like ants to try and eat underwear! (But that was in a hot country!)

Not sure where you are, this is a New England article, but I imagine is about the same for England too!

www.modernpest.com/blog/one-mans-clutter-is-a-pests-home/

(Just tell her all this stuff lying about attracts bugs, I am printing this off to give to my dd tomorrow after school!)

PS don't discourage her from inviting friends over, get her to invite them over but then have a big push for room tidy before they come.

Oh I should say we have better times too. Sometimes it is better. Trying to think what makes it better....

Maybe having friend round and a reason to tidy up was a tiny
part of it.

Also, remember with punishments kids can get used to it, so eventually no friends round might be like, nah so what. Then you have lost the contact with her friends (potentially useful) and key social events might happen away from your house.

Things that help:

Make sure she has plenty of storage space, even if just a few plastic boxes, can she put stuff in the garage or loft if needed? And encourage clothes no longer fitting or in fashion go to charity shops - get her to take them or go with her so she learns the good feeling of passing stuff on.

Plus we watched a lot of Obsessive Compulsive Cleaners. It sometimes helps and certainly makes me feel like cleaning!

When friends come round, she has to take them in her room or they don't come round. Won't be long before it's more tidy.

Totally this and no bloody way does she get to go in your room!! Lock it if necessary. Her mates go in her room, nowhere else. If it’s not clean (and I’d do a really thorough last clean with her) then no friends can come round plus remove a gadget.

She’ll get maggots in there if she’s not cleaner. Ick.

One of my ds's chores is a five minute tidy of their bedroom every day, before bed.

They set a timer. It's hardly any time but it's just enough to put dirty clothes in the basket, rubbish in the bin, cups downstairs, shove stuff back in cupboards/drawers/storage. It means it's mostly kept on top of and then one of their weekend chores is a 'proper' tidy and clean which takes about 20 minutes and makes it spotless.

I wouldn't make her give up her room but I would start removing other things such as phone, money, privileges.

And if it gets beyond that, take a photo and give her two days before you post it on fb. That'll do it.

Oh and absolutely NO food or drink in the room at all if she can't clear the cups and things.

Laughing at poster upthread whose daughter now puts dirty bowls and plates outside room so that’s an improvement.

What are you? Fucking room service? 🙄

I was a bit 'meh' about it - teenagers are messy but you deal with it - but she's pushed my button with the human rights comment - makes her sound so entitled! In an ideal world of course everyone would have their own room but that is just so not reality and she needs to wake up to how lucky she is to have her own room and at least behave in a hygienic way. The rest is up to her - her choice to go out in creased clothes etc - good luck op- she'll not be that age forever !

Well it seems bloody cruel tbh.

Why should the 7 yo have to share in that mess and step over her san pro stuff etc? You're punishing him more than her imo.

No foods or drink in bedroom, punishment if it's found.
No friends over if room untidy or they stay downstairs.
Only clothes put in x or placed at y get washed. If she throws it on the floor she can wear it in that state.
Keep the door closed.
Help her declutter if she has too much stuff

Why are you wanting to punish your seven year old son for his sister's laziness? That makes no sense.

Tell DD she can't have friends over or go to their houses if her room is a mess, and that anything left on the floor at the end of the day/week goes in the bin.

I read a really great article on this when I had the same issue with my DD. I can't for the life of me find it now but it pointed out the importance of allowing your child to have there own space and be free to keep it how they want (within reason). It went on about how a child's room should be their sanctuary and their outlet to be their creative/messy selves without the constant nagging from parents to keep it clean. They have their whole adult lives to have a tidy room.

I would focus on the main issues - the food and her using your room when hers is too messy. I have a blanket rule of no food in bedrooms. If you find food, wrappers or anything grotty in there give her an appropriate punishment like doing the dishes for a week. And get a lock for your door so she can't use it as her backup room when her friends are over. If she gets embarrassed by her mess, she will learn to clean up on her own.

I should add - messy is fine, dirty is not. Have an agreement that you will let the mess (clothes, magazines, makeup whatever) slide proving she is wiping surfaces and vacuuming once a week

Anything bloodstained needs to be in the bin (tampons etc) and underwear should be thrown into the machine when the stain is still wet - I learnt to do this (or have them soak in the laundry) when I was left to do my own laundry & it's much harder to take out a stain when it's dry

Maybe a reward system would work? Her room doesn't have to be neat as a pin but if you can transform the conversation from 'you're such a slob, clean your room' to 'these are basic tasks to keep up with, do them every week to get xyz' it could be better?

It does sound like treating her like a lab rat but the tug of war where you nag and she resists will never end unless you flip the script

There are a few points here that need addressing.

Do not clean her room in anger. Tell her very clearly that you will be going in on (day) at (time) with black bags and cleaning stuff. Anything that is not cleared up will be binned.

Invite more friends round not less. Teens are more likely to clean when they are having visitors

Do not go looking for laundry. If it's not in the washing basket it doesn't get done. Do not iron her clothes. Fold them when they are dry and leave them in a pile for her. When she wants that top or those jeans and they are dirty and creased, calmly ask if she brought them down, if she says no, shrug and walk away, her peers are the best people to tell her she looks a a mess or smells.

Do not get into arguments with her. Be clear, concise and consistent about the new rules and then walk away

Calm and consistent is the way to go