To make dd give up her room if she can't look after it.

[Donthugmeimscared]

I am so sick of dd 13 living in filth. She is disgusting. We are in a three bed house and her brothers 7 and 10 share. I'm so fed up with her mess that I've told her that if she doesn't sort it out she's sharing with her 7 yr old ds and her 10yr old ds can have her room as he will actually appreciate it.

By disgusting I mean gross she couldn't give a toss what she leaves on the floor including underwear where her San pro has leaked. I've helped her many times to clean it only for the floor to be covered in crap by the next day. Even worse if I take clean clothes in for her to put away she just chucks it on top of the mess. It's only a small box room so gets bad fast and according to her I'm stressing her out telling her to clean it and it's her human right to have a room for herself.

Wibu to actually follow through with this?

I think it's a good idea to approach the problem with an air of "It seems like you have got into a bit of a spiral--let's get this place sorted out together and help you keep it in in a decent state going forward" not "You are disgusting etc. etc." If her place is tiny and cluttered, it may be really hard for her to feel motivated about keeping it looking nice. Constructive help is the right approach here. :)

I agree AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight. That’s horrible and my youngest was made to do similar by her father’s girlfriend. SS, thankfully, told her that it was degrading the child and to stop. I’m actually disgusted that a woman would do that to a young girl. The child must have been exhausted during her periods, not to mention being made feel dirty. I think that needs a whole new thread to itself.

I was like this as a teenager. I was depressed, confused and in mental disorder and my room was the manifestation of this

^this was me too - I was shifted around foster homes and never felt home and never felt the need to respect my surrounding as I didn’t feel wanted etc.

My house is upsetting me at the moment - which reflects the fact that I’m under a lot of stress, although it is fairly tidy, it is disorganised. It’s quite a mammoth task to get a room in order if there's no system! So I would definitely support your dd and make sure she has enough storage or less stuff.

Anelderlylady. I totally and utterly agree. How utterly humiliating for that posters dd and it will be something she never forgets or forgives. She sounds responsible in the setting the alarm so what else is she supposed to do? The poster should just put soiled bedding in the washing machine like a normal person ffs.

Magnolia - 'you have to enforce tidying everyday' - not me- i barely set foot in my teenagers bedroom. Their room, their problem. They have to learn to take responsibility for their own crap and sure enough eventually they do. Now a fully functioning capable adult!

Absolutely with the posters here - I'm glad that my mum only grumbled a little when I would leak in bed or massively, and do the washing. Now I'm in my twenties and know that I pick up after myself. It's totally normal to have an unpredictable flow & you really can't help it!

You have to enforce tidying every day Yeah my dm was like this. My childhood memories are of always, always having to tidy up after myself and never being allowed a messy bedroom. My dcs rooms are their rooms, I do periodically ask them to tidy the floor, pick clothes up etc, but not every day. Like pp said, don't sweat the small stuff, save the rules and ranting for the bigger stuff.

stuff lying about, ok. filth and body waste is not. that is revoltingly entitled and needs to be sorted.

I have two teens, and I've worked out that I have to actively parent them in order to get them to keep their rooms respectable. I'm quite sure that if I just left them to their own devices, that their rooms would end up a state, and they won't learn appropriate standards or how to keep their rooms tidy.

First of all - no food or drink(bar a water bottle) in their rooms, ever. Non negotiable. If they are ever found to have eaten in their rooms (including sweets etc), they lose their phone privileges. They've both done this once or twice, but now realise that there will be consequences, so don't do it anymore. I really have no idea why anyone would let a child eat in their bedroom, it's really not appropriate, and causes mess and smells, stains etc. IMO it's the biggest cause of unsanitary child's rooms.

Secondly, I clean/hoover their rooms twice a week. In order for me to be able to do this, their rooms need to be broadly tidy - floor clear/surfaces clear, which they are expected to do. I do their rooms on the same day each week so they're in a routine, and I remind them the night before, so they do a quick tidy. While I'm cleaning, I'll pick up the odd thing out of place, i.e. a sock fallen down the side of the bed, or throw away a couple of cotton wool buds left on the dressing table etc. Because I'm in there a couple of times a week, it never gets really messy. If for any reason the children have left their rooms in a state that I can't get in to clean, they have to tidy them, and then clean them themselves. I've enforced this, so now they make sure they are left in a good state for me to clean.

I remind them to bring down their dirty washing before I put the washing on. Mostly they put it in the washing basket (in our room) as they go along, but I ask them to check for any odd items before I do the washing, so dirty washing never builds up in their rooms.

With clean clothes, I put them folded on the end of their bed, and ask them to put them away before they go to bed. I check that they have! They have plenty of wardrobe/drawer space, and we regularly go through and get rid of outgrown/unwanted stuff.

Basically, because I'm in there cleaning twice a week, their rooms never get bad enough that keeping on top of them is a problem. In between cleans, I don't force them to make beds etc, and I don't go looking in their drawers etc unless they are clearly a problem (e.g not shutting properly etc), it's just a basic level of tidiness, clear floors, clean surfaces that I'm looking for. If I wasn't going in there twice a week, I'm sure that mess would gradually build up, though.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight

I wanted to write exactly the same thing! That comment actually really angered me, that someone was making their poor DD scrub her sheets by hand etc and no doubt feel like she had done something wrong. I actually find flooding the bed traumatic as an adult, nevermind as a poor little girl who is barely used to having periods! Really horrible, nasty parenting.

OP - I had a total pigsty room as a teenage girl, I think it’s par for the course. I would just refuse to let her use your room; either she cleans it or she entertains her friends in mess! No food in her room if she doesn’t return plates or throw rubbish away, and her clothes won’t get washed if she doesn’t put them in the laundry basket. Other than that just keep the door closed and try not to picture what’s inside 😂

Have you got room for a laundry basket in the bathroom?when dd was younger only things in the laundry basket got washed.
Nag her to bring plates down when she gets home from school,before food.
Only things in laundry basket washed,check for other food each day and then close the door.Also she only goes in your room with permission.

I'd approach it more as "what can I do to help you?", ie find storage solutions, more shelving, high up cabin bed etc.

She needs to learn the benefit of keeping tidy and clean which is that you can find your stuff. So her clothes needs to be in the laundry basket to get washed. When she has run out of school uniform, or knickers, she will be in trouble with school. If she can't find her homework because it's in a pile of crap, ditto. If she's late to meet up with her friends because she hasn't got a clean outfit, or can't find her handbag, or nail varnish, she has only get herself to blame.

It's natural consequence of being untidy and disorganised, rather than having to punish her.

I wouldn't make her brother share with her it's not fair on him.

I would however go in and clean and tidy but only leave 2 sets of uniform, and 2 sets of non school clothes and any electronic items she has. Her phone charger would be removed and hidden with the rest so she will have to ask for it back.

She would have to earn everything else back by keeping her room clean and tidy. And would lose it permanently.

I would also chuck her and her friends out of my room just because hers is a shit hole they can go in there or elsewhere. It just embarrass her to tidy and keep it tidy.

I think it would be unfair on your 7yo to have to share with her. I bet he loves sharing with his brother! Plus if she’s so messy and she’s leaving crap all over the place it’s not really going to feel like a bedroom for him is it?
He also wouldn’t be allowed in his room because “she wants it to herself” etc..

Let him keep sharing with his brother who he will have much more in common with.

I have a 14 year old boy so maybe not as bad as a girl but I gutted his room gave him a big row of the IKEA stuva ( which is for younger kids ) units along one wall so there is a place for everything , it’s kept quite minimal as he mostly just goes on games etc the less shit there is and easier for him to clean and maintain . He has laundry basket in his room etc ,sometimes it’s worth spending time yourself getting it easy to maintain for them .

If you can’t fit a laundry basket in you can get laundry bags in IKEA that go on back of the door

Mrs m - why not show your teenagers where the Hoover and washing machine live. They'll have to do it for themselves eventually

Im of the school of occasional harsh parenting. Disgusting rooms after 3 requests to clean up. Leave black bags in room on 3rd request. If still ignored collect up everything clothes cups plates tampons all the grot and put in the bags. Dont separate it, shove it all in together. Strip the bed and put the bedding in as well. Put all the bags on the bed and leave until storm erupts. When everything calms down ensure she understands that leaving it there for her to sort out is an interim stage. If you have to do it again it will go straight to the tip. Worked a treat with both of mine. Yes we all get on fine thanks.

She's a teenager. Goes with the territory. All your others will most likely go through this stage too. They come out of it by their twenties lol 😂

Mrs m - why not show your teenagers where the Hoover and washing machine live. They'll have to do it for themselves eventually

Because they are 12 & 13, busy with school and co curriculars, and I work part time, and have plenty of time to do the basic housework.

Don't get me wrong, they help out sometimes, and are quite capable of bunging on a load of washing or running the hoover round if needed. However, I think it would be rather petty of me to hoover the whole house except their rooms, or do all the families washing except theirs. We're a family, we do stuff for each other. However, I expect them to respect the fact that I do clean their rooms for them, and to make sure that they keep the rooms tidy enough for me to do so.

12 and 13 is about the right age to start!

But I have far, far more free time than they do. And they are happy to help as needed. I also mainly do my husband's washing and hoover our shared bedroom, because I have more free time than he does. Obviously we're a family, so if there's a problem and I can't do it for whatever reason, then everyone in the family would pitch in, but on a day to day basis, with the other members of the household being respectful about how they treat the house, I can do all the cleaning and the washing, and still have the most free time of anyone in the family.

What I'm not prepared to do is tidy up after anyone, or have anyone treat me like a skivvy, hence the insistence that the kids keep their bedrooms (and all our other rooms) respectably tidy, and generally pick up after themselves.

Is there somewhere for her to put her clothes?

DS has a washing basket in his room which we put there because he kept chucking his stuff over the floor. His bathroom is a bit further from his bedroom than his sisters, so he was less likely to put them in the bathroom washing.

This was done on the condition that when it was full the basket would be taken down to the washing machine. If not, he washes and hangs them out himself.

I just don't allow food upstairs. Kitchen, living room, dining room if they want to eat. That way no food gets left in their rooms.

Does she like her room? If it's more "her" she might be more inclined to look after it.

At risk of feeling like you're rewarding her, if her room is tiny have you looked in to a high-sleeper bed with something underneath - storage, small sofa, work desk or whatever - to give a bit more scope.

Perhaps setting the room up to work better and then imposing rules around how it's kept might be fairer, but you know what she's working with.

I am in the close the door and forget about it school of thought. I have 4 dds, and each one is messier than the last. But, I don't allow my dc to bring food up to their rooms, i only wash clothes that are in the laundry basket (they each have one in their room) and they can only have friends back if their room is tidy enough for guests. I wouldn't take her room from her, it's not really practical in your situation I'm.