To make dd give up her room if she can't look after it.

[Donthugmeimscared]

I am so sick of dd 13 living in filth. She is disgusting. We are in a three bed house and her brothers 7 and 10 share. I'm so fed up with her mess that I've told her that if she doesn't sort it out she's sharing with her 7 yr old ds and her 10yr old ds can have her room as he will actually appreciate it.

By disgusting I mean gross she couldn't give a toss what she leaves on the floor including underwear where her San pro has leaked. I've helped her many times to clean it only for the floor to be covered in crap by the next day. Even worse if I take clean clothes in for her to put away she just chucks it on top of the mess. It's only a small box room so gets bad fast and according to her I'm stressing her out telling her to clean it and it's her human right to have a room for herself.

Wibu to actually follow through with this?

Make sure she's got everything she needs to keep the room tidy. My room was a tip as a teenager and my parents did nag me but looking back they didn't help me maintain my room being tidy even if they would occasionally help tidy it.

Like I didn't have a bin or a laundry basket in my room, didn't have a wardrobe for clothes that needed hanging etc. I suppose I should have asked for these things but it didn't cross my mind - I just thought piling things (rubbish, clothes etc.) onto the floor until there was enough to justify a big black bag for rubbish or putting a whole wash on was how it should be done! Feel silly looking back on it but there we go...

Thanks for all the advice every one. I think it was the human rights comment that got me as I had to share with my sister until I left home at 20 so would have given my right arm for a space of my own.

As for her room it is tiny it can only fit a single bed with a wardrobe squashed next to the foot and a bed side cabinet. There is no room for a dressing table or anything like that. As I said though it's the dirt that gets to me most. She's just so lazy at the moment. I am going to go with the not clean no phone approach for now and see how that goes. We don't have much space here for storage so can't really give her room for things somewhere else.

Thank you again for all your advice I was really angry when writing this yesterday so was definetly bu about the swapping rooms.

I think you are wise to give up on the idea of making 7yo share with her--it's not his fault.

It sounds like she has a small room, which is not anyone's fault or anything that can be changed, but it does mean that she needs to keep her stuff minimal and organized. She may also need some efficient storage solutions that enable her to keep stuff tidy in a very small space. You can get some quite cheap items for this at IKEA and places like that.

She almost certainly needs a major declutter. Decluttering is not an easy life skill---I think you are going to have to go through it with her and help her with that.

Once everything is DECLUTTERED and reorganized with proper storage items plus a bin and a laundry basket, she needs a routine for taking out her laundry and emptying her bin etc. She should also be doing some of the laundry herself by this age. I would recommend a "no food in bedrooms rule unless there are special circumstances" rule (this is a good rule for everyone, actually). You may have to nag and remind her A LOT until it becomes routine. Habit is the most important thing in the world, remember!

Don't bother with "incremental cleaning/tidying"--blitz the place (with her) properly and then make it clear it needs to be kept that way. When a room looks cluttered and crappy, she will feel no motivation to put things in their right places or throw away rubbish, and it will just steadily deteriorate until it looks as bad as it did at the start.

A laundry basket like this should help with keeping dirty clothes contained Also, buying black underwear for during periods is better and more discreet when you have heavy periods.

www.amazon.co.uk/DOKEHOM-Laundry-Drawstring-Waterproof-Collapsible/dp/B0763KRD2M/ref=sr_1_18_sspa?psc=1&keywords=laundry+basket+turquoise&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1529903741&sr=8-18-spons

www.amazon.co.uk/Sea-Team-Stylish-Drawstring-Waterproof/dp/B078ZF1J5Y/ref=pd_sbs_201_23?pf_rd_t=40701&pd_rd_i=B078ZDHSMT&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_p=5179604776422437276&th=1&_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_wg=YZ65g&pf_rd_r=W22ES1BN4X3WD9VC1W2T&pf_rd_s=desktop-dp-sims&pd_rd_w=fwnyZ&tag=mumsnetforum-21&pf_rd_i=desktop-dp-sims&refRID=W22ES1BN4X3WD9VC1W2T&pd_rd_r=758401fb-7837-11e8-a27f-2977e52b3c03

When my two were tweens/ young teens we had a weekly tidy and clean routine which they were expected to help with and pocket money was contingent on passing a room inspection. They also were responsible for their own washing (this is a great way to opt out of clothes related dramas). Friends were also only allowed round if their rooms were tidy (not an incentive for antisocial ds, but important to dd).

This worked pretty well for a few years, but they both (especially dd) got scummier as they got older, and dd's room does have a tendency to get pit like given half the chance. However she is generally a very helpful hardworking child so I only go into her room and moan every now and then and generally she gets on and cleans it after a while.

Forgot to say she does have a laundry basket (one of those Primark pop up ones) and a bin but is to bloody lazy to use either.

'My DD1 has very very bad periods- she has to set an alarm to change her pad twice in the middle of the night. When she was younger and she leaked, she was expected to wash her underwear and bedding in the sink before school and put them in the wash- and she started at 11.'

Am I the only one who finds a regime like that uncomfortably close to punishment for having periods?

Also, dirty underwear left on the floor is yucky, but it's not more yucky by virtue of period blood being on it. It's blood, not nuclear waste. This generation of mothers does still seem to be passing on a lot of internalised shame-based attitudes about periods.

The baskets I linked have a waterproof lining and a drawstring top to keep smell in and flies out! That might help alongside laying the law down and withdrawing technology until she complies/ cleans.

Elderly lady - agree!

so DD is 13 …... with my mantra no phone until room is clean no computer till your room is cleaned up no going out until your room is cleaned up at 13 she should know this by now no lessons in the art of tidiness aged 13 isnt stupid she isnt 6 enough

YANBU

Elderly lady me too. My dd has very bad periods, I do the laundry so I think nothing of whipping the sheets off and washing them. Girls shouldn't be made to feel guilty about something that's completely unavoidable.

I agree with AnElderlyLady - periods aren't by nature gross or bad and I hope you don't make her feel that way

That said, you need some level of hygiene to deal with them - throw out used sanitary products and wash any bloodstained items. It's a process every uterus owner learns, but it doesn't have to be shameful, because it's not

I have a bit of sympathy for her - it sounds like she has too much stuff and not enough storage so her room is bound to get messy. Could you help her with a proper clear out so she gets rid of anything she doesn't need, and help allocate places for the things she does need?
I agree that no food in her room is a reasonable request and should help with the dirty aspect of it.
My room was utterly revolting at that age but when I went to uni it was like a switch was flicked and I've been a neat freak ever since, so there is hope!

YABU, she can’t really share with her brother? She’s 13 and needs her privisy.

My 14 year old is equally disgusting, leaves underwear on the floor, food wrappers, cups etc..., I just go in on a Saturday morning and shout at her to clean it up. If she wants to live in a shit heap all week then I let her but each weekend she has to pick everything up and empty her bin.

Just withhold the Wi-fi code until it's tidy each day!

Is there room for a floating shelf to make a little dressing table? Someone up thread said to make sure there are baskets and things to store away items in - that helps.

Non use of the laundry basket is a total teenage (and, dare I say it, man thing) - clothes in my house go near the basket, beside the basket, on top of the lid of the basket and rarely actually in the basket!

I have a 15 yr old Ds and his room is spotless because you have to enforce tidying every day. He knows this and so his room has been this way since he was about 6.

I would stand over your daughter every day and she doesn't get her phone/computer/tv or anything until her room is tidy. Daily.

There will be no time for her mess to accumulate. The rule in this house is floor clear, bed made, curtains open before school. Then after school when they get changed uniform goes in the wash and again floor is clear.

They do have a playroom so hang out there and the lounge, but again it is 99% tidy, homework that takes place over a couple of days sometimes clutters the desk.

@AlexaAmbidextra happy to give you a laugh! A lot of parenting feels like room service!

Could you buy her a high bed with storage underneath to deal with the lack of storage?

Apart from sympathy for your situation, having gone through similar myself, I have no useful advice to give.

I'm not surprised so many teenagers are angry and rebellious.

Let her find her own way.

Don't let her take food upstairs.

My mum had a rule that anything not tidied was put in a black bag. If the bag wasn’t emptied and sorted it went to the tip.

I hated her for it but she followed it through once and I never made a mess again.

I had to wait until Christmas to get nice clothes again.

I was like this as a teenager. I was depressed, confused and in mental disorder and my room was the manifestation of this (I now realise). It was really disgusting. I'm not particularly tidy, but I noticed that when I actually moved out of my parents' house, where I was so unhappy, I took far better care of all my stuff. How is she generally?

How come it’s dirty? Apart from periid stuff, is it food wrappers and stale food? It is tiny if it’s a box room. Perhaps go shopping for boxes Or containers for under the bed.

Don’t sweat the small stuff.

She’s messy not having sex or out drinking st the weekend.

Your teen problems could be much worse!

Try concentrating on what she’s doing well at.