To make dd give up her room if she can't look after it.

[Donthugmeimscared]

I am so sick of dd 13 living in filth. She is disgusting. We are in a three bed house and her brothers 7 and 10 share. I'm so fed up with her mess that I've told her that if she doesn't sort it out she's sharing with her 7 yr old ds and her 10yr old ds can have her room as he will actually appreciate it.

By disgusting I mean gross she couldn't give a toss what she leaves on the floor including underwear where her San pro has leaked. I've helped her many times to clean it only for the floor to be covered in crap by the next day. Even worse if I take clean clothes in for her to put away she just chucks it on top of the mess. It's only a small box room so gets bad fast and according to her I'm stressing her out telling her to clean it and it's her human right to have a room for herself.

Wibu to actually follow through with this?

[Deadringer]

*imo

[ComeOnGordon]

My oldest is a few years older and the rule in our house is the room needs to be properly cleaned once a week and whatever happens in between then I ignore. But if it’s not done then there is consequences. When they were younger it was done on a Saturday morning and the younger kids still do it then but the oldest does it whenever she has free time.
They really have to learn to do it themselves but I think sometimes it can get overwhelming so I do help maybe once or twice a year to get in all the corners etc.

[Mollie85]

I was like this from 13 - 15. With the added disgrace of having an eating disorder where I chewed food and then spat it into plastic bags (sorry if you’re eating). Which I hid in the upper part of my wardrobe. To this day I am unsure as to why I didn’t bin them.

One day when I got home from my Saturday job my mum had emptied everything onto my bed and the bags of food were on top. I have never been more ashamed, I can actually still feel the shame now, 22 years later. My mum still talks about it now.

Suffice to say I kept my room spotless after that, but so incensed was I at the lack of privacy (probably because I was trying to hide something too) that I moved out at 17.

A lot of posters have given you fantastic advice on this thread. I think the removing privileges is the best place to start myself .

Good luck OP

[Donthugmeimscared]

Thanks again for all your advice. I have looked into high sleepers but her bed only fits across the window so it would block it. I have made a very naff diagram of her tiny room. As I said it's more the dirt that gets me. I don't want her to feel like her periods are something to be ashamed of but you can't just leave blood soaked things lying around either . We have had a chat and are going to look for ways to help with storage as it is so tiny. Plus I've told her if she keeps it tidy we can look at decorating it (haven't done that yet since moving here) so she seems been to do that.

[Donthugmeimscared]

Oh forgot to say the little square is the bed side table and the bigger one the wardrobe. She is a very happy girl so I don't think it's depression.

[aNutAboveTheBreast]

That looks like a struggle space-wise. Could you look into maybe getting a cabin/captain bed with lots of drawers for her clothes and do away with the wardrobe? Then pop a little desk or dresser there so she has somewhere to display her things, have a small tv, cork board, mirror or whatnot. Hmmm, you'd need to be able to get the drawers open... you can get fold out desks that sit flat on the wall and don't have legs that would get in the way.

[aNutAboveTheBreast]

Also, have you seen the shorty beds? Argos do them. Bunk beds that are shorter than standard size but still seem to fit an adult. I don't know the measurements you're working with but might be worth a look.

Argos - length 180cms instead of 195cms.

[RavenLG]

I was a disgusting mess of a teenager. My parents tried and gave up eventually. I'm not 30 and even more house proud than them. It's just a teenage pig thing.

[Debfronut]

Its your first teen then? I have an inspection on Sat lunchtime and if clothes are on floor, food or plates in there they lose the internet for the weekend. Had no problems since the first bored weekend. Rest of the week I keep the door shut. They grow out of it eventually all my older ones did.

[Italiangreyhound]

I expect some people thought I was a right old softy. Letting my daughter treat me like room service and taking away her dirty cups, and letting her room get messy.

Well, we have had some issues over the last year, suicidal feelings, anger, bit emotions. I am just grateful when we hug, and connect, and I work towards that and rage in private. The issues are bigger than the room.

I read this today, it may help @Donthugmeimscared for you to think about the wider issues, even if your dd seems sound and happy. Maybe the room is just her frontier and the harsh ideas of making her share with her brother or whatever will not touch those wider issues.



gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?utm_content=buffer1ce10&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

And if it is just lazyness she may well grow out of it.

[Italiangreyhound]

big emotions.

I really do recommend that article, it is very short and may even make you cry, it did me!

[Ihuntmonsters]

I'm really not sure about that piece. I fought with my mother as a teenager, and you know I really really would have been much happier if we could have lived in harmony instead. Fighting with her didn't make me feel that she loved me, it made me feel that she didn't like me. As an adult looking back I don't think she did like the person I was and actually I think that affected me very negatively. Luckily my father recognised that our relationship was not good and agreed to pay for me to go to boarding school and with distance our relationship improved.

[Ihuntmonsters]

I asked my teen to read that article and she thinks it was written by an adult and didn't really resonate (except for the bit about unconditional love). But then she doesn't like confrontation.

[welshmist]

I lobbed all the clothes etc. out of the bedroom window once my sons two bedrooms were so bad. Trouble is it rained and I had to bring it all in and wash it again. Now I just turn off internet, confiscate phone until it is done. They are not allowed food in the bedroom at all because the plates and glasses would pile up.

[missymayhemsmum]

Work with her to ensure she does actually have somewhere to put everything, and that her room looks nice when tidy, then insist that once a week her room is clean and tidy. Point out the logical consequences of gross behaviour, eg maggots, smells, flies, ruined clothes, disease, and living in filth and hopefully she will see the point of at least dealing with dirty undies, plates etc.
The line of 'I don't want to interfere with your bedroom because it's your personal space and it's up to you to look after it, but if it smells I'll be in there with a binbag going through everything you own' might work.

[Italiangreyhound]

@Ihuntmonsters I thought it was written by an adult too, but I felt it was an adult who knew what they were talking about.

Of course I wish my dd would not argue with me, would keep her room straight and be nice to me. And if she did I would (I am sure) like her more. But I doubt I would love her more. And anyway, the agenda comes from he teen. I doubt a teen would understand this because either they would be a nice, kind, no issues kind of teen or they would just see parents as part of the problem!

But I do remember fighting with my mum about my room, it does seen to be a theme!

[Kpo58]

No wonder her room is a tip. She has no storage or is she only allowed to own clothes and nothing else? If you have no storage then the only place you can put things is on the floor.

[Donthugmeimscared]

@Kpo59 where would you put said storage? She has some boxes under her bed and a couple of shelves but there is no room for much else.

[Donthugmeimscared]

@kpo58 even

[TaleasoldasTimee]

Help your DD tidy, male sure everything has it's place etc. Tell her once a week you'll be going in with a bin bag. Anything on the floor or looking messy will be going in it and out to the bin.

My mum did this to me! Worked a treat.

[Kpo58]

Can she have a cabin bed with draws underneath and a pull out table to do homework on.

Is a wardrobe the best way of storing clothes for her? Is a chest of drawers better? If not, can she have a wardrobe which has a cupboard attached to either the top or bottom of it be better?
Is a bedside table a good use of space, would one of the IKEA narrow Billy book cases be better? www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/storage-furniture/bookcases/billy-bookcase-oak-veneer-art-40265277/

[Donthugmeimscared]

The bookcase seems a good idea at the moment the table has a draw she keeps her underwear in. The cabin bed thing is a problem as a bed only fits one way round in the room so the window would be covered by the bed if we had one. Her wardrobe is only a single one and she likes it for her uniform and hobby uniform too. It's such a small space she does her hair in my room.

[Kpo58]

Is it worth putting one of these in the wardrobe? www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/small-storage-organisers/clothes-organisers/skubb-storage-with-6-compartments-white-art-00245880/

It would be a good place to put folded clothes and underwear.

[Beamur]

Small rooms are hard to keep tidy as they messy so easily!
My DSD was a slattern at this age too! Food left in room, sanitary towels in the wastepaper basket, but I don't think we ever really argued about it.
We don't allow food upstairs but would turn a blind eye to toast, crisps, that sort of thing. Both the teens (boy child in house too) had a laundry bag in their room to put dirty clothes in, clothes in bags got washed, clothes on floor got left. If was a bit of a tip, I closed the door. Maybe once a month either me or their Dad would ask them to give it a clean and tidy and they did.
You have to let it go a bit, teens have other things on their mind, their rooms are a reflection of them, not you. They generally grow out of it too. Both kids are young adults now, perfectly capable of looking after themselves.

[Beamur]

Pinterest is a good website for storage ideas in a small space.