To despair at how helpless some people are

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

You see it on here all the time, poster says they’re in a difficult situation and lots of people respond with sensible advice and details of organisations they can call for help and there’s always a reason why they can’t ask for help.

I saw a job at a local hair salon advertised on Facebook, 1 person posted “interested” underneath so the salon owner responds with their contact details (that were in the ad) and asks for a cv and the person responds “I don’t have a cv, nevermind” or someone else put on my local Facebook group saying she was new to the area and asking if there were any new mums in the local area, so I responded that there was a lovely, free mum and baby group in her village the next day and I knew the organiser so if she wanted to go along I’d make sure she got a warm welcome, and the response was “I can’t go to a baby group, what if none of the other mums speak to me”

Some people just seem as if the world owes them something and they should get what they want without putting in any effort.

I think helping give children confidence starts young such as ordering food in a restaurant or asking where stuff is in a shop.
It gives self worth.
A GP I know mentioned that a lot of patients are simply not able to complete forms themselves and come with all sorts of illnesses that a bit of common sense would help treat.
I think schools can do more since some parents are just not capable, through no fault of their own.

annandale I am slightly older than you and don't know anyone who got their first job that way. We all applied for a job.

i can see why he is an ex, Sparklfairy!

@crispysausagerolls - my husband is the same, brilliant at work but incapable/incompetent/no gumption or common sense around the house. Don’t get me wrong, he pulls his weight, but anything requiring a bit of work or thought and he just doesn’t get it. Flatpack furniture, decorating, hanging pictures, putting door handles on the shed - I just get on with it. He wouldn’t have a clue.

I don't like the smug "well I can do x, y and z so anyone who cannot is pathetic" vibe coming through on here. I can do many things very competently which others are challenged by; there are also plenty of things others do without breaking a sweat that I am thrown by.

My dad's like this. I've sorted out my dad's finances as he's a pensioner and had a lot of out goings.

Years ago I went through his direct debits to try and figure out why he was spending so much on bills. Half the things he didn't know what they were and was paying for years.

The house phone / internet / TV bill was over £200 a month that he'd been happily paying for years not even bothering to check! I had to sit with him to phone up the company to complain. They cut it down to about £100 and removed his TV package but increased internet and got a better phone package. I still thought it was too much but he was happy as half the price.

Recently (I say recent but it's been years) his internet has been pretty poor so I've been telling him to phone up. I've been telling him for over a year I'm sure! Now that I'm on mat leave I have more time so got him to call and find out his bill is £100 cos he has the full TV channels and sky sports .. don't know when he signed up for this but he has never used it! We cancelled it there and then and increased his internet speed again as it was the speed from 5 years ago when I first got him to call!! So now his package is about £65. Later found out that they still have no channels and haven't had them since the last time. So he's been paying for all the TV channels without having them! I keep telling him to call up and sort it but he won't! So I am going over today to get it done! Makes me sick how much money he has wasted over the years cos he won't phone any company!

Does the same with car insurance etc. But that's another story!

I see this a lot in my line of work. These are adults that require parenting.

It's particularly rife in people with addictions. And there is the issue of service providers explaining that addictions are a form of disease rendering the person unable to function in day-to-day living.

It's also rife in defence statements for summary only offences. the defendant has mental health issues due to not having a methadone script and the addiction took over

Taking responsibility for actions is lacking. Parents supporting their children into part-time jobs, is nothing other than being supportive. Adults who claim they cannot work because they're addicted to illegal substances is another matter. Even the supporting services keep them sick as they would have no service users.

The welfare state that was supposed to help and support people in need, has now become the monster keeping people from the labour market.

"on a recent holiday there were 11 year olds still wearing adult arm bands in the pool."

If I saw that I would think there is a good reason for it.

Assuming no illness, then it can only be for the attention.
I don't think that's the case always, I think people may genuinely lack confidence, and feel nervous about putting themselves out there. I used to feel that way a lot, when I was younger, and would physically shake before going into some situations which others might see as completely straightforward.
The difference was, that I didn't feel I had any choice but make myself do stuff - there really wasn't 'suffering from anxiety' as a thing, you either did it, or didn't. For this wasting people are less tolerant nowadays of a lack of social skills, I'm not sure that's true, I think a few decades back, people were much more routinely declared 'odd' and avoided, who now would be recognised as she, anxious, or having mild ASD.
I do not mean to make little of the problems some have with severe anxiety, but I think there are lots more, who would feel a real sense of achievement and go from strength to strength, if they were brave, and did those things, even when they felt uncomfortable.

'this wasting'='those stating'!

I used to earn money as a teen by writing up papers for doctors,
Went to uni in a different city,got a job(fucked up a lot).
Lived in a rented flat with a friend.
Then moved countries.

(I was also abused in more ways than one,told I was useless,too fat,too lazy,lacked ambition,not good enough etc)

None of that stopped me from getting panic attacks when trying to write up a fucking CV. Yes it's pathetic but seeing my life written down like that was even more pathetic. Staying at home with DD didn't help either. Second guessing everything. The cover letters were excruciating. The fear of failure was greater than anything else. It would've just confirmed everything i was told all my life.

The thing is,you wouldn't know. I don't talk about shit like this with random people. My scars are covered. I'm loud and look happy.
All you would have seen is this pathetic person that can't write a CB,full of excuses and who probably didn't want to work anyways.

Duckswaddle

Good to know I’m not alone! I get quite a sad sense of pride about being the “practical one” and it’s really surprised me because I never would’ve considered myself in that light before!

My parents were very protective of me as i was the only girl and they saw danger around every corner ( this was the 70s too!) and was convinced i would be murdered/ raped/ become pregnant or whatever !!
i was quite needy, but when i met dh he soon made me do things - yes, you will start driving a car ( i had a licence but not a car) you can do this and that - not controlling me , but just giving me a bit of encouragement and confidence to try and do things myself, as his parents did. My parents were wonderful, but they had this ' dont do that you'll be no good at it' attitude - i dont think this is a new thing. i am a bit too protective of my two, but i have had to rein in it in a bit., with a bit of belief and self confidence, I can now crack on with things and if i mess up, then i clear it up. So i can see both sides to this.
i use the internet and google a lot too and actually read up on things.
knowledge is power.

There are some pretty clueless people around. Often the problem seems to be a combination of lack of common sense and lack of self-awareness.

I used to work in a university and fielded enquiries about a popular postgraduate course. The vast majority of our applicants were extremely bright, capable people who'd had to work very hard to get where they were, in a challenging field, often juggling several jobs, and they knew that they needed to show self-reliance as an essential quality to get on in the career they were preparing for.

On one occasion I emailed a final year undergraduate, including a link to the online prospectus. She replied within minutes 'Thanks, my next step would be to think about applying, where is the application form'. If she had followed my link it would all have been there. Anyone with an ounce of common sense would have thought of this. It made a very poor impression, as did all the enquiries from people saying 'It says relevant work experience is essential, I haven't got any because it's really hard, can you make an exception?'

I've also never forgotten the student who asked her dissertation supervisor to summarise each article on his recommend reading list for her, as she didn't think she would be able to understand them if she read them herself. She left the course at an early stage.

These are adults that require parenting.

It's particularly rife in people with addictions. And there is the issue of service providers explaining that addictions are a form of disease rendering the person unable to function in day-to-day living.

Even the supporting services keep them sick as they would have no service users.

Yes,yes, use funds put aside for the vulnerable and spend it on the privileged via stealth. Middle-class keeping the abused, disabled or working-class incompetent, blame culture, gives you virtue cookies and it pays for your holidays , builds you up a nice pension and pays your mortgage, what's not to like?

I have the immature parents. One has addiction issues, being male they had the attitude women should look after him and children, so there was nothing left for the children. Mum was so worn out caring for him, working and housework there was no parenting done.

He got to be a baby, she got to look a hard working wife whilst being be a baby too.

When Mum married the second time, she became a total baby minus housework, to look like a good wife. She stopped doing eventually she once did, laughs and claims it's her turn to be looked after and loves being helpless and wearing out her husband as her first husband did to her.

I don't know how these people think it's ok to use someone else like this. I suspect not every helplessness person that expects others to care for them, you need insight to be able to change, is as honest or self aware as my Mum who admits she is happy to be a selfish user.

Be you a public service vulture or a family/friend vulture, you take advantage of others and use them to advantage yourself.

I'm a GP and am always amazed by the number of (otherwise fit and healthy) adults who think that having a sore throat for less than a day or two is a reason to ring the GP rather than get down to the pharmacy for some paracetamol and strepsils.

I have a problem hearing .

I am OK with RP English but as soon as someone asks me anything with a slight accent then I have to hand the phone over to someone else. If I go into a store and know I need to speak to someone I have to take someone with me to interpret.

I might look pathetic but I am more than capable in other areas.

Any programme with a strong regional accent I have to get used to

Completely agree. I have a job which a lot of people are interested in doing, in that I work for myself, from home, dictate my own hours and am not flogging MLM shite. Lots of people ask me how to do it too. So I say things like "start by looking at freelancing websites online" or "look into the google digital garage course to give you the basics of SEO" and am met with blank stares. People want things just to drop in their lap with no effort on their part.

Some people just lack basic "nouse". They don;t investigate opportunities or look into possibilities because they have been spoon fed all of their lives and expect "someone else" to do it.

Shocked that parents are asking for work for their adult children! I was going to every business on foot at 16 looking for weekend work to fund my drunken Saturday nights out

I'm with Mostdays. This thread is full of I'm alright Jacks who have never faced a anxiety. You're all ridiculously over confident and can walk into a room full of strangers and steal the show. Whoopee doo for you. Just be mindful thst not everyone is as lucky as you.
You dont think people enjoy have social anxiety, do you.

This resonates with me as I am very independent, always have been, and find it shocking how witless some people. It's as though they're waiting for someone to walk into their living room, take them by the hand and sort everything out for them.

I really think that one of the best things you can do as a parent is to back off and let your kids sort things out whether it's making their lunch, getting themselves off to school, sorting out their own social activities or organising themselves through homework. The actual lunch or homework may be imperfect but the process of learning to manage is invaluable. Kudos to all of you who have the courage to do this.

I'm seeing it a LOT, particularly in my school.

"Miss, I don't have any lunch?"
"Why not?"
"The canteen never sent it to me."
"Well go over and ask for it."
Student comes back. "They don't have it."
"Why not?"
"They said I never ordered it."
"Did you order it?"
"No."
Then a whole heap of complaining when I give them a jam sandwich for lunch.

"Miss, my pencil is blunt."
"Well, what should you do with it?"
Shrug

"Why are you using a green pencil to do your writing?"
"Can't find my pencil."
"Well why didn't you get one out of the big tub of spare pencils in my desk?"
Shrug

Repeat multiple times per day for multiple students.

Not to mention the parent who called my school principal to complain because I refused to peel her child's banana for him at snack time every day. He's ten years old.

I interviewed a women in her early 20s and she was good but didn’t get the job. She could have easily found something else.
She missed out as she was a bit monosyllabic with some of the answers- no big deal but others were better.
Anyway her father phone me up afterwards and complained.
I was genuinely speechless and felt awful for her. She was perfectly competent but could take one knock back and her father was telling me off!
I still think of her and wonder if she has become helpless.

My dd is 23. She has Aspergers and suffers with anxiety and depression. She struggled through school due to bullying and just about scraped through her A levels. Then she didn't know what to do. Getting a job seemed like it would be impossible because of her anxiety so she managed to get herself together enough to apply to college, eventually doing her degree there.

She finished 4 weeks ago and already has a related job to go to. She has worked tirelessly. We've had meltdowns and anxiety flare ups pretty much constantly but through her own hard work and determination she has learned to do things for herself. No way would I have interfered in her job seeking, or taken her to an interview.

I can understand that some people might not be ready and need support but for some people there is definitely a learned helplessness going on. I see it a lot in school.

My OH has had a few young people turning up for interviews (it's a manual job) with their mums in tow. They never get the job.