To despair at how helpless some people are

[ThankYouVeryMuch]

You see it on here all the time, poster says they’re in a difficult situation and lots of people respond with sensible advice and details of organisations they can call for help and there’s always a reason why they can’t ask for help.

I saw a job at a local hair salon advertised on Facebook, 1 person posted “interested” underneath so the salon owner responds with their contact details (that were in the ad) and asks for a cv and the person responds “I don’t have a cv, nevermind” or someone else put on my local Facebook group saying she was new to the area and asking if there were any new mums in the local area, so I responded that there was a lovely, free mum and baby group in her village the next day and I knew the organiser so if she wanted to go along I’d make sure she got a warm welcome, and the response was “I can’t go to a baby group, what if none of the other mums speak to me”

Some people just seem as if the world owes them something and they should get what they want without putting in any effort.

I agree OP. A couple of years ago our manager at work employed someone who had recently been homeless, had no job and really needed help it was in conjunction with a charity who helps people gets jobs. The job was decent - reasonable pay, good conditions, nice colleagues, HR very helpful etc. Day 4 he didn't turn up "because I didn't realise I would have to turn up every day and it takes too much time".

Yes yes yes to kids having learned helplessness.

Obviously if I have a child who is dyspraxic I'd help them any way, but I have some who just haven't ever done anything for themselves. Or a shy child who doesn't speak. But there's a whole group of apathetic kids who have no gumption.

No book or pen? Sit there for 10 minutes until teacher notices and asks where it is. Rest of class is busy doing stuff and bookless, penless child just sitting there awaiting some form of assistance rather than asking a friend for a loan, or me.

It's a lack of initiative or even self motivation to sort the problem out. I get "my mum hasn't given me a pen" or "it broke yesterday". And no thought as to sorting the issue out.

And I'm not without my anxiety. I have OCD and have been depressed. But basic organisation, and self responsibility is bigger than that.

Like with my sports team. I've given them location to go to, but they ask me how to get there instead of plugging 'whatevertown leisure centre' into Google and working it out themselves.

Sorry, that was garbled. Dyspraxic/shy/anxious kids ALWAYS would get help.

Awwlookatmybabyspider - these things you mention do not come naturally to everyone. Self confidence, capability, self reliance - they are built up over the years by pushing oneself out of your comfort zone - doing things that you may fail at. Obstacles can be overcome

I know of 2 perfectly capable women who for the first few years of having 2 kids could not do bedtime alone. They either had their OH or mum or MIL to come over and help.

With one friend the first I found out about it was she told me her husband was going away, and she had fallen out with her sister because her parents were supposed to be visiting sister but now they had to come and stay with her.
Why have they got to come and stay with you? Because DH is away and I’ll be on my own with the girls. Sorry, what??? They were 3 and 5 at the youngest, possibly a bit older. Oldest was definitely at school.

@sleepyblueocean no there wasn’t. My 4 year old who interrogates everyone about everything was playing with him a bit, she asked him outright why are you wearing those you’re not a baby. He said I can swim but my Mum is scared. He then shouted to his Mum he didn’t want to wear them and she said no you might drown! She was laying 5 feet away on a subbed.

Yes missmarple it is the total apathy! And lack of thought. I've had 14 year olds ask which side of the paper to put the glue on (err the one without any writing). We often get kids writing three lines, stretching as if they have just walked the great wall of China and claiming they have done loads of work. And them wondering why not achieving their targeted grade 9!

BlueJava Sun 24-Jun-18 10:35:35
I agree OP. A couple of years ago our manager at work employed someone who had recently been homeless, had no job and really needed help it was in conjunction with a charity who helps people gets jobs. The job was decent - reasonable pay, good conditions, nice colleagues, HR very helpful etc. Day 4 he didn't turn up "because I didn't realise I would have to turn up every day and it takes too much time".

That doesn't surprise me at all. In fact, I'm surprised that the charity expected him to transition from nothing to FT work as it's a gigantic leap. It's a shame there wasn't more support for him because I do believe that people can make the leap but they definitely need to be weaned gently. We don't know the man's background but I'll put money on it being a long road of misery. That takes a considerable period of time and support to ease out of and, tbh, I don't think it's the sort of thing the OP was referring to. Your guy obviously had serious issues which is different to the average person being a spineless twit.

Aaawlookatmybabyspider - actually I have crippling social anxiety, but the difference with me is I’ve learned to be high functioning as I have the gumption and desire not to sit at home all day on benefits and overcome my fears.
When I had my second baby I spent around 9 months at home, taking anti depressants and getting into a deeper out of despair. Then one day something just snapped. I got a course of CBT, adjusted my mindset and learned some coping mechanisms.

Before anyone starts - that wasn’t a criticism of others on benefits. I’m talking about my individual situation.

@anal
Unfortunately the current culture is that you “don’t make anyone do anything they are uncomfortable with”, and this is the inevitable outcome.
amen

Issues is most homeless people either have sever MH isues or drug or drink problems

Homelessness is rarely about not having a home and the inability of people to manage their lives I worked in a homeless charity and 90% had been given a council flat at some point but lost if due to their issues

So when people think the answer to being homeless is just houseing they are neive

YANBU some people have no get up and go!

I also suffered from crippling anxiety and depression after birth of ds. Just the thought of getting out of bed made me physically sick and I would cry and have panic attacks all day long.
But I was brought up to be responsible for myself.
So I literally dragged myself to an interview, forced a smile, somehow got the job and that was the start of a complete recovery.
I still don't know where I got the strength from to do it but I am SO pleased I did.

I'm not sure it's specifically a young people problem - my grandmother was like this and died several years ago aged 99.

There have always been ineffectual people and people crippled by anxiety or depression and people who have learned to be helpless. They just used to be less visible to anyone outside their immediate family before the advent of social media!

I'm an introvert; I would've been the kid sitting there with a blunt pencil, too shy to ask where the sharpener is, I'm not great with people I don't know. I've learned to face the fear and do it anyway but it took me until my mid twenties to get to that stage.

I see it as part of my job as a parent to ensure my kids manage better than me. They've gone to lots of activities with lots of different types of people. They've been encouraged to volunteer. After some help from me on the initial CV writing and interview talk throughs, they've bagged all kinds of part time jobs. They've gone to Uni, accompanied for the first visit, done the rest on their own or with friends. They've arranged their own places to live, proactively managed their own careers.

This summer one has gone off to do Camp America (arranged with zero input from us); one has a bar job and an interview next week for incredibly valuable work experience; one is celebrating a promotion and planning his resulting move to London.

And the 12 year old is out on his bike, hanging out with a wide variety of friends from school, football and the village. Because that's where confidence and people skills start really.

Metoodear I agree with you that homelessness is often the visible side of mental illness but there are also people who perfectly well who are homeless simply because of the crippling cost or the scarcity of housing in some areas. Very recently I was on a course with a guy who was living in his car. Great guy, no health issues, just no suitable housing available. Trouble is that it impacts on absolutely every aspect of life making normal things like work and school much more challenging.
Bravo to those who persevere and make it back to mainstream but I do think that those of us in cost situations underestimate how bloody difficult it is to survive poverty and homelessness.

I think it's important to notice whether someone is trying or not. I've been judged for supposedly not helping myself, one person actually said "but you don't do anything". Because I am unemployed, due to mental health/previously undiagnosed ASD. But I don't "sit around at home" on benefits. I study, I exercise, I cook healthy meals from scratch, I turned a scrubby wasteland into a garden, I sew and make stuff and learn new skills as one has to when living in a cheapo flat the landlord doesn't maintain very well! I want to have paid employment but doing the slightest thing feels like a mountain to climb every day. So I just think it's important to know someone properly, and their situation, before casting judgement.

I think some people have grown up with parents belittling everything they said or did.

Get out into the adult world and even if the parents are dead or they have gone nc there is always that voice and learned behaviour that everything you do is wrong.

I think some people don't appreciate that it's normal to feel stressed, anxious, nervous in some situations. You just anticipate it and plan accordingly. You don't erect barriers in your head and think of all the reasons why you can't do it.

I don't drive, so according to MN I'm not a fully functioning adult anyway. I use public transport. This summer I'm going somewhere that requires three trains to get there. I expect it will be stressful and tiring, but I want to go to the place and see the people I'm going to see, and I've been travelling all over the country by public transport all my adult life, so I know I'm perfectly capable.

You see this helplessness on the punctuality threads. People who manage to get to places on time describe the methods they use to achieve this, and the late people come back with all the reasons why that won't work for them.

spider I get incredibly anxious ringing people up when I do not know them, applying for jobs, complaining, going to social events, anything involving people I don’t know - I suppose that is ‘social anxiety’ although I am not sure what giving it a label achieves. However, in order to earn a living, support my children and organise my life I have had to do all these things, even if it means spending hours practicing what I am going to say, and doing the social equivalent of closing my eyes and jumping in the deep end. Anxiety is real, but it’s not an excuse to opt out and expect others to run your life for you - why should they?

Absolutely Oliversmum, I had health issues and my head in the clouds most of the time. My family treated me (not unkindly) like some incompetent fool most of the time; "Oh she's clever but no common sense, can't boil an egg, totally impractical, wouldn't say boo to a goose."

I got to adulthood without being able to swim or ride a bike or drive. My now DH taught me those things. My Uni flatmates taught me to cook and use a washing machine. My first couple of bosses were very kind and nurturing and had a lot of faith in me.

And I realised, I'm shy but I'm practical and resilient and resourceful.

But I see my family treating my nieces and nephews like they treated me. It's very sad.

God, I'm a teacher. I was bloody terrified of being in front of some classes. Stressful doesn't even start. My qualifying year (I did SCITT in one school) i had some truly awfully behaved classes.

I got through it. Many a time I though about giving up. My OCD tendencies came back with a vengeance. But I read a lot about classroom management. I observed the same kids with other staff. I upped my game. And I got through it ok. It was tough as hell, and called on a lot of resilience.

Lots of people don't seem to have resilience these days. That's often not their fault, it's due to parenting and circumstances. But it's very evident.

I'm not advocating a return to stiff upper lip and get on with it, but there is definitely a prevalence of more young people who expect everything done for or to them, without effort or having to fail, get up, learn and try again.

I think for some the belittling was nasty and hurtful.

I am an outgoing confident person but according to my dm I was shy and quiet who would not speak to anyone.

The reason she thought that was after years of being told afterwards what I had said to a person when I was in her company was wrong and every word was picked apart I learned to not say a thing around her.

Even now I know I don't do certain things because of the learned behaviour that I wouldn't be able to do it and something would go wrong

I'm with Mostdays. This thread is full of I'm alright Jacks who have never faced a anxiety. You're all ridiculously over confident and can walk into a room full of strangers and steal the show. Whoopee doo for you. Just be mindful thst not everyone is as lucky as you.
You dont think people enjoy have social anxiety, do you.

aww, don’t you think that’s just a little bit (extremely) insulting to the people on this thread who’ve explained that they HAVE had anxiety, have found ways to overcome it (very painfully) and succeeded?

Why would you try and take away their achievements by pretending that it’s luck, or easy?

Is it because acknowledging that others in your position have cracked on and found ways to pull themselves together and deal with difficult situations means you would have to look inside yourself and admit that having anxiety/social anxiety isn’t a lifelong get out of difficult situations card?

I’m not for a second saying I know anything about YOUR experience, or that anyone but you can know what you’re capable of or do the hard work necessary for you, but is there really any need to be so flippant and denigrate other people’s successes just because it makes you feel better about yourself to pretend that it must be easy for everyone else (but oh no, not you, you have it much harder than anyone )?

I see this attitude a lot and it stinks, frankly. You sound incredibly bitter. Wouldn’t it be great to put some of that energy spent being salty into looking at your own problems and finding your own way forward instead?