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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I crazy or should I be worried?

301 replies

flydojd · 23/06/2018 17:51

I can't actually believe I am writing this, I've been with my fiance for eight years and always trusted him. We've had our problems, but I've never thought he would cheat or anything like that.

He has a rather unusual hobby (can't say what it is as it's so unsual it would be outing), which takes up 2-3 weekends a month. Sometimes he has to travel around the country for it, which means he's away for the whole weekend. This used to be rare, but now it's happening more and more often.

This weekend he's away. He left very early in the morning, and he's staying overnight in a Travelodge (he says). He says he's staying in the same room with a man who also does this hobby. What's really odd is the Travelodge is only 15 miles away. He said he's staying over as there's no point coming back for the night, but the hobby activities finished at about 4pm.

I'm finding this really, really odd, and confronted him about why he's staying at the hotel. He said it's easier for everyone, but I just don't get it?

Wow, maybe I sound crazy. I think this is more of a problem because our sex life has been very infrequent over the last year (once a month or so). I don't even know what I think he's doing, I just think it's odd he's staying at the hotel and questioning everything. Am I insane? Should I push this further with him?

OP posts:
sweetboykit · 23/06/2018 20:27

Can you ring your fiancé?

JessieMcJessie · 23/06/2018 20:28

Peakpants I think you might be missing the point of Mumsnet, where posters ask for advice based on detail that they give in their posts? Would it have been more acceptable to you if I had said “In my opinion he has probably lost interest in you”? My point is that it is highly unusual to want to spend half or more of every weekend away from someone that you are genuinely in love with, particularly when it is to do an optional activity and in circumstances where it would not be much effort to either get home to join her or invite her to spend the evening with him where he is. This is a genuine observation, not me trying to stir up drama. The obvious next step is for them to talk when he gets hone. Why not direct your wrath towards the people suggesting stake-outs and breaking into his laptop?

TingleTots · 23/06/2018 20:28

Although sitting outside a Travelodge all night sounds very tempting Hmm is imagine if he was with his gay lover they wouldn't be leaving the room, since they'd be too busy in the throes of passion Blush

OP I'm sorry you're in this position and that I have no advice but please, in your state of mind do NOT take advice from some of these replies, try to think rationally Flowers

JessieMcJessie · 23/06/2018 20:28

Sorry, that should be “half or more of the weekends in every month” not “half or more of every weekend”.

Slartybartfast · 23/06/2018 20:31

go in the morning op?

TheFirstMrsOsmond · 23/06/2018 20:33

stake/steak GrinGrinGrinGrin
spelling issues on MN: the gift that keeps on giving

Slartybartfast · 23/06/2018 20:33

it might not be his gay lover, it could be a female, or it could be totally innocent op.

QueenOfMyWorld · 23/06/2018 20:36

I don't believe 2 male friends would share a room if they had the choice,he could be covering his back in case you see a future invoice for a double room

Ginger1982 · 23/06/2018 20:41

OMG, just pissed myself laughing at stake/steak! 😂😂😂😂😂

Slartybartfast · 23/06/2018 20:41

is the train journey back not direct op?

ChocoholicsAsylum · 23/06/2018 20:42

@TheFirstMrsOsmond

Well obviously spelling is the main issue and not the OP's! Lol.

I really hope OP finds out what he is doing. I actually hate the thought of someone being cheated on. Its nasty and an awful feeling.

Chewbecca · 23/06/2018 20:42

Why not just ring him, preferably using a video call?

ChocoholicsAsylum · 23/06/2018 20:43

OP's problem*

Lunde · 23/06/2018 20:45

It does sound as if something is a bit strange

  • the sport is only 15 miles away and ended at 4pm - yet he wants to stay over
  • no-one else is staying over - just him and his friend ( given you don't have a name for friend are you sure this is a make friend?)
  • he is being secretive about phone and computer when previously he didn't mind you accessing them
  • he has disabled the "find friends" app so you can no longer check his location
  • your sexlife has dwindled

Why not suggest dropping by the Travelodge to join him for drinks/dinner/breakfast - his reaction may be telling

Lunde · 23/06/2018 20:47

*male friend not make friend

auntyflonono · 23/06/2018 20:49

I would sit in the car and wait to see who he arrives with, or if he doesnt arrive at all.

Tistheseason17 · 23/06/2018 20:50

Yep, something's up.
Hiding social media is a red flag.
Who'd pay for a hotel 15 miles away after a 4pm finish??? 11pm, maybe

ShawshanksRedemption · 23/06/2018 20:51

So to recap:
Hobby takes up 2-3 weekends a month
Staying away more and more
Sharing room with other person
Says it’s convenience
You don’t know the other person’s name
Secretive with social media/gadgets
Disabled Find Friends

Whether he is having an affair I have no idea, but I think you do need to look at the changes to your relationship and talk to him. He spends lots of time away from you, so when do you two spend time together?
He is being secretive about this part of his life in that he doesn't seem to talk about it as you don't even know this person's name.
He's disabled Find Friends which previously he was OK with having.
He's secretive over Social Media when previously he wasn't.

I would want to know from him why the change in his behaviour towards you and your relationship.

Hellohellohelloagain · 23/06/2018 20:55

Sorry OP but it does sound really odd. 15 miles is somewhere between 15 and 30 minutes drive - nothing really. I commute about 50 miles each day. On the days I commute 100 miles, I'd still rather come home (and of course do!!) than stay in a travel lodge sharing a room with a colleague Hmm

I don't know what's going on OP, but it definitely sounds dodgy.

Do you have other suspicions? Anything else not adding up?

HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 20:55

How does he refer to this friend, then, if he doesn't say his name?

It looks as though he's having an affair in plain sight, OP. I would have to find out. It would be easily done if you've got a car.

HollowTalk · 23/06/2018 20:55

Of course, if he's having an affair with someone who's single, he may well not be at the Travelodge at all.

TitsalinaBumSquash · 23/06/2018 20:56

Is he in a RL Quidditch team?

You clearly don't trust him either way (and I can understand that because his behaviour is wired!) that's a major red flag for a relationship that needs addressing.

Tiddlywinks63 · 23/06/2018 20:56

I'd be more suspicious about him making sure you knew he was sharing a room 'with a male friend'. By all means stay 15 miles away but surely you'd have a room to yourself, not sharing with some random male who's not even a friend?
I do wonder 1) if he's even staying there and 2) whether he's having an affair bearing in mind his defensive, secretive behaviour.

GlitteryFluff · 23/06/2018 21:00

What are you going to do op? It's easy for everyone on here to say drive there, call him, do this, do that. But you're the one living it. What do you think you should do?

veggiethrower · 23/06/2018 21:18

Is the hobby larping?

Some friends of my ex were involved with that and they were obsessed with it. They certainly wouldn't have wanted to come home at 4 pm and would have continued discussing whatever fantasy world they were in until the small hours.

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