Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 23/06/2018 09:21

I totally agree Steve. I'm 40 and have a son of 15. The thought of dating the likes of his friends in a few years is beyond a joke.

There are many, many people in here who will have been sexually abused as children or teens. Sadly, other people get off on having hundreds of women engaging with them online on the topic of their sexual fantasies and this is why I'm really wary of such threads as this.

whythoughgyno · 23/06/2018 09:25

To the posters that are ok with this dynamic, do you have children? Would you really be completely unphased and happy for your DC to date someone twice their age when they are 18yrs old? Because they are afterall an "adult".

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 09:25

I’ve reported the troll hunters. As if older men targeting teenage girls was in any way unlikely and uncommon and as if a liking for BDSM was rare.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/06/2018 09:26

One person in a middle-aged-geezer-young-woman coupling even laughed at the idea - she goes for older men, of course.

I did. The assumption being I would consider being with someone based purely on their age. Dh could have been any age. I liked him before I knew how old he was. Think that may have been your question Puddles?!

Perhaps I was a mature 18/19 year old. Maybe dh was incredibly immature for his age. We clicked. It's worked out perfect.

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 09:28

I’m really sorry to hear it Steve.

Pa1oma · 23/06/2018 09:41

Tatiana - I think the notion of men dating teen women is one where the myth that this "happens" is stronger than the actual reality.

I have never in my life come across a man in his 30s or 40s dating a teen. That is not to say it never happens of course, but it's definitely far from common.

As I say, many, many people on here will have been sexually abused as children or teens and this is why they are extremely wary of the motivations behind such threads. "What do we think about D/s with an abused teen?" etc, all under the guise of an upcoming barbecue.

Helmetbymidnight · 23/06/2018 09:48

Perhaps I was a mature 18/19 year old. Maybe dh was incredibly immature for his age

An incredibly immature middle aged man? I can see the appeal. Confused

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 09:52

Despite all the posters on this thread who said they or someone they know got together with someone significantly older when they were young? Two women I know were in relationships with 30somethings In their teens. I don’t think it’s unusual at all.

Equally, there were a couple of teachers at one of my schools who preyed on the girls quite prolifically. It’s not as if grooming rings and problems with sexual abuse in schools have not been widely covered in the media.

Given the OP’s previous post history there’s no particular reason to think this issue is untrue. Generally fake posters have no post history and ask for personal experiences.

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 09:54

Perhaps I was a mature 18/19 year old. Maybe dh was incredibly immature for his age.

If a grown man is so 'incredibly immature' that he is psychologically on a par with a teenage girl, then he has serious issues and should not be considered as a partner for that reason alone.

Seriously this whole 'maturity' thing is nonsense. As if the blokes who 'date' teenaged girls are in it for their 'maturity'.

Original poster
Pooshy · 23/06/2018 09:55

I'm not sure why some of you are finding it so unbelievable. As I said before, i didn't mention the bdsm at first as I wasn't sure it was relevant as that's just some people's taste (not mine)

Anyway the fact that people find it too grim to be true says it all really and confirms what I was thinking

I'll go today and be friendly, civil and polite, but I expect I'll find it uncomfortable

I doubt very much my friend is actually horrible to her in any way (not sure what goes on in the bedroom when it comes to bdsm and don't really want to know!) but I feel that he is perpetuating the problem

OP posts:
Original poster
Pooshy · 23/06/2018 09:57

Tatiana thank you for mentioning my post history - I wasn't sure if people can look that up

OP posts:
LiteraryDevil1 · 23/06/2018 10:00

OP I would be having a quiet word with his gf and telling her that he has disclosed her abuse. Totally unacceptable of him. I hope she dumps his sordid disrespectful ass.

Pa1oma · 23/06/2018 10:06

"Anyway the fact that people find it too grim to be true says it all really and confirms what I was thinking"

Yes exactly. I apologise if you are genuine OP, but I found the idea of an abused teen in a D/s relationship with a man of almost 40 quite triggering to be honest. Especially the whole thing about, "he's such a lovely man in general". Aren't they all?

It's not ok, you must know this. I wouldn't be engaging on any level.

Original poster
Pooshy · 23/06/2018 10:08

Thank you Paloma. I agree - it does extreme sadly. But not uncommon

OP posts:
Pa1oma · 23/06/2018 10:17

I really don't think men of 40 dating teens is "common". It's one thing having a 20 year age gap when you're say, 32 and he's 52. But a teen is a teen.

I actually find it appalling and sickening that so many people think this is ok when what is, in fact, very common is abused children and teens.

The fact that so many posters are trying to excuse a man of almost 40 who likes to spill the beans about being into BDSM and his "girlfriend's" abusive background is an insult to the millions of girls and women who are abused by older men every day.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/06/2018 10:23

An incredibly immature middle aged man? I can see the appeal.

I think it's a funny comment in my head and then someone shows me it's a stupid comment which stupid people will pick up on!

He's fine. He's older but you wouldn't know it to look at him or talk to him. He's kind. He's thoughtful. He can be funny and he can be a bit if a twat at times. He works hard and loves his weekends with his family.

I don't think waiting a few years would have made much difference!

LadyFlumpalot · 23/06/2018 10:28

If they are in a D/S relationship then him being older may well fit right into her preferences.

All you have to go on at the moment is some gossip and 3rd hand information, why not go along to the bbq, meet her, chat to her, and see for yourself. If she is unhappy and needs help or support she will be glad of a friend and you will know yourself rather than just speculating.

Wussypants · 23/06/2018 10:28

I don't really bat an eyelid at age gaps, if the youngest member of the couple is at least mid twenties.

I think age gaps were probably way more common and 'socially acceptable' in the not so distant past compared to present day - Diana was 19 and Prince Charles was 32 got when they got married in 1981. If Harry had married a 19 year old last month it definitely would have raised a few eyebrows.

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 10:29

He's older but you wouldn't know it to look at him or talk to him.

I bet you would though.

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 10:30

To say something is ‘not uncommon’ or ‘not unusual’ is not to say it’s common or usual - as per British idiom. If it were common or usual those precise words would have been used.

But I agree entirely with the rest of your post Pa1oma.

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 10:32

I think age gaps were probably way more common and 'socially acceptable' in the not so distant past compared to present day - Diana was 19 and Prince Charles was 32 got when they got married in 1981.

Yes - and look how swimmingly that turned out.

And while it's true that age gaps may have been more 'acceptable' in the past, outside of the aristocracy, they really weren't all that common. The vast majority of women have married men about their their own age or slightly older, throughout history.

And also bear in mind that women/girls had almost no choice who they married until quite recently. Do you really think teenaged girls were happy about marrying some guy old enough to be their dad, who often had kids about their age? And if they could have done anything about it either way?

SimplySteve · 23/06/2018 10:40

Completely agree @Pa1oma . Great post.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 23/06/2018 10:40

I don't think I'd be quite as weirded out if you lifted their ages forward 5 years.

23 and 44 although still a bit meh, would give me the impression she had dating experience before and likely chose the man for whatever reason.

Original poster
Pooshy · 23/06/2018 10:45

Absolutely paloma

OP posts:
TheDowagerCuntess · 23/06/2018 11:15

He's older but you wouldn't know it to look at him or talk to him

You wouldn't, because you fancy him.

Everyone else is looking at him and thinking

Sorry, love.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.