Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 23/06/2018 11:19

She sounds very vulnerable and you are right to be concerned. Be very nice to her tomorrow, but I couldn't quite look him in the eye.

I'm 39 and I just wouldn't have anything in common with an 18 year old to form a sexual relationship. And I'd think why would they ever want me?

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/06/2018 11:25

TheDowagerCuntess how can you possibly know that? You've assumed that because you've not aged well?

You're right though that I do see him as being a bit of alright because I am married to him.

I'm a lot older now so I doubt anyone would give a second thought to our age difference.

blackteasplease · 23/06/2018 11:26

And the BDSM aspect makes it extremely worrying.

flamingofridays · 23/06/2018 11:30

Don't worry op they won't want to be friends with you anyway when they realise you've discussed intimate details of their life and judged them all over the internet.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 23/06/2018 11:38

When I was much younger I was in a relationship with a man 19 years older than me. I had been sexually abused as a teenager (13-15) by someone in a position of trust. The man I got into a relationship with started off as loving but quickly turned into a D/s controlling relationship. His jealousy and obsession in controlling every aspect of my life was horrific. He beat me, raped me and convinced me that was just how a D/s relationship should be. He financially abused me and completely isolated me from my family and friends. When I met him he seemed the trustworthy father figure I had never had (my dad left when I was 4 and ever since I looked to older men to fill that void) but that changed very quickly. Everyone around us thought he seemed like a decent guy on the outside, that couldn’t be further from the truth. He encouraged me to talk to him about the abuse I’d suffered. He was getting off on it. He even demanded I talked to him about it in bed once he had beaten me and completely broken me as a person. It took me 3 years to leave and the damage he did to me is irreparable. The night I left was by no means the worst beating he gave me but it was the last. I pressed charges, it went to court and he got sent down.

A 39 year old man into D/s with an 18 year old woman who has experienced sexual abuse and incest is just so wrong on many levels. He’s not a good man.

Trills · 23/06/2018 11:42

Gross.

If someone who I previously thought was "a really nice guy" decided that they'd like to date a teenager aged 39, I'd ask them if they'd recently had some head trauma.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/06/2018 12:01

You've assumed that because you've not aged well?

Yes exactly Grin

I managed to get someone my own age, so can't comment on your situation.

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 12:23

I managed to get someone my own age, so can't comment on your situation.

Ah, but deep down you're secretly jealous that you couldn't persuade a married middle-aged dad to take an interest in you.

Because that's so difficult for a teenaged girl to do.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/06/2018 12:26

so can't comment on your situation

Funny that. Could have sworn that's exactly what you did. My situation is married with 3 children. I don't think it would occur to me to think I'd have been better off if I'd managed to get someone my own age.

Anyway my comment was just to point out that the age gap in our relationship wasn't an issue for us and so to wait before you judge. The op has put further information which puts it all in a different light.

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 12:27

I still have bitterness from teenage years of the sheer volume of 30 + men who hit on teenage girls.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 23/06/2018 12:30

If they are in a D/S relationship then him being older may well fit right into her preferences. You seriously think an abused near-child can give meaningful consent for this kind of relationship? And people wonder how scandals like Rotherham happen - it's because we're happy to assume deeply damaged and vulnerable young women have agency rather than risk some creep not getting his rocks off.

ZispinAndDisappointingTea · 23/06/2018 12:35

I also had some short fling with a man in his 30s in my late teens. I don't think it's uncommon. I was a mess at the time (mental health issues, recovering from rape etc) and I think there was some security aspect to it all. He had his own nice (to me at the time) place where I could stay. He gave me stuff, took me out to eat, flattered me. I guess he was mostly in it for sex. There was some definitely non-consentual stuff going on with him (like sex when I specifically said I didn't want it), but coming from where I was, I didn't recognise it at the time - that was just how things were when you were with a guy, right? So while I might have used him for a place to stay and some material perks, he was definitely using my cluelessness and vulnerability.

I think this experience especially coloured how I reacted to the relationship in my family I wrote about earlier. That, and being in my late 30s myself - the idea of a relationship with a teenager now sounds utterly absurd.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 23/06/2018 12:35

He's a divorcee and since he's been single he's got massively into BDSM and gone our with younger and younger women / girls... Translation: He's a divorcee and since he's been single he's watched porn that is increasingly extreme and has been searching for someone with poor enough boundaries they'll let him re-enact it.

Sparklesocks · 23/06/2018 12:40

I think a lot of concern comes from that at 18 you’re still inexperienced with adult/sexual relationships - you might not be aware of what is and isn’t acceptable/normal and have your boundaries pushed because you don’t want to seem too young and let your boyfriend down - and that could be taken advantage of by an older man. Especially if you have a history of abuse.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 23/06/2018 12:44

@Wellfuckmeinbothears I'm really sorry you went through that 💐.

I agree the dynamic is so wrong especially in context to BDSM where a Daddy kink is common.

I'd watch closely but perfectly civilly but if I thought for one second he was behaving badly towards the girl I'd be making him aware.

Does he have kids?

Gitfeatures · 23/06/2018 12:53

How did they meet?
How long have they been together?

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 13:24

You’re not actually going to be able to tell whether she’s ‘happy’ or not. She may seem perfectly content with him on the surface. But you will have no idea how he is treating her sexually and with a background of abuse she may accept things that other teens with strong boundaries would not.

TatianaLarina · 23/06/2018 13:27

I don’t need to see how he’s treating he to know how wrong this is.

As I said before I’d give him a bollocking for getting involved with a teen with a history of abuse. As long as he continues to see her he’s not welcome in my house. (I may dump him completely tbh).

If more adult women took a stand on this kind of thing, it would be much harder for men to exploit and abuse teenagers.

likeacrow · 23/06/2018 13:37

Yeah... It's odd. If I (at 36) started dating an 18 year old boy I'd imagine people would judge. I think anyone who says they wouldn't is lying tbh. Nothing you can do other than be a welcoming host & judge silently!!

MMmomDD · 23/06/2018 13:42

OP - i’d say - his personal/sexual life is his own and he isn’t doing anything illegal.
And equally - he doesn’t need his friends to ‘approve’ or comment to him about it and expect him to change anything.

However - if it bothers you and makes you uncomfortable - you also don’t need to have him around.

I have dated older men when I was that age. They got something or if it, I am sure. But so did I. At 19 - I didn’t have much in common with 19yo boys. I dated men in their 30s... and as I was growing up - and getting closer to that age - I still dated the same age group and when j was in it - married someone near my age

YearOfYouRemember · 23/06/2018 15:45

TatianaLarina

I have answered everything you have put to me

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 16:25

I also had some short fling with a man in his 30s in my late teens. I don't think it's uncommon.

Maybe I've had a sheltered life.... but I don't think I know first-hand of a single example of a teenage girl 'dating' a much older man. I remember when I was at university there were rumours of one of the students dating one of the lecturers.... but it was considered scandalous enough that we were all talking about her even though we didn't know her personally. So I don't think it happens all that often.

That, and being in my late 30s myself - the idea of a relationship with a teenager now sounds utterly absurd.

Yeah, I'm now in my 40s and work in a university myself. Now and then I look at some of my male students and think.... he's a bit fit. But then I instantly remind myself that I'm old enough to be his mother, cringe inwardly and never have thoughts about him again. I'd certainly never considering having sex with one of them, let alone a 'relationship'.

Gruffalina72 · 23/06/2018 17:41

Perish the thought that we should judge predatory men for their behaviour. Outrageous! Won't anybody think of their reputations?

Hmm

If more adult women took a stand on this kind of thing, it would be much harder for men to exploit and abuse teenagers.

Indeed.

The rationalising of abuse on this thread is grim.

PuddlesOfBud · 23/06/2018 19:00

I don't necessarily see the issue with the age gap. At 16, I was dating my teacher, and the balance of power was definitely on my side (I am still of this opinion 20 years later). We are still good friends. Depends on the personality.

You can't "date" your teacher for a reason. It's grooming. You were groomed by your teacher. I am aware that it is common for women to blame themselves when that happens but the problem with this is that you then pass on the blame to the next generation. Would you really think your 16 year old daughter was the one with the power if you found out she was "dating" (being groomed) by an adult teacher?

This is how rochdale happened. We need to stop blaming girls and not the men who abuse them.

IcedPurple · 23/06/2018 19:10

You can't "date" your teacher for a reason. It's grooming. You were groomed by your teacher.

Of course she was. No doubt he told her she was so 'mature' and not like all the other girls. Because of course when a teacher 'dates' a student, 'maturity' is what he's after.

And while I know she was above the age of consent, aren't there laws against teachers 'dating' students?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.