39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

[Pooshy]

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

If you've invited this young woman to your house you can't just not engage with her. The last thing she needs is to have hosts she's never met before be cool towards her when she's done nothing wrong.

You should be warm and welcoming and include her in conversation. Or not invite them.

Morning all, good to read your comments. Just to be clear, we're not hosting the bbq. We're just all invited to a friends bbq

I'll go today and be friendly and open minded and very interested to see what their dynamic is

As many people have said, even if she is very mature I expect she is very vulnerable and won't have had time to heal. I think being a teenager is hard enough without having suffered from abuse!

Our friend wasn't gossiping about her past- he told my DH (they're best friends although obviously they have drifted apart with all this going on), and DH told me out of concern. It hasn't gone any further (to anyone I know at least!)

I just think wtf does a 39 yr old have in common with an 18 yr old before you even get to the sexual side of things. I work w blokes who are young enough to easily be my kids (I’m
In mid 40s) and we have a bit of banter and get on well as colleagues, but we joke that I’m their mum!!

Sam Taylor-Wood. Joan Collins. Tina Turner. Less frequent, admittedly, but it does happen.

Yeah, those few exceptions pretty much prove the rule.

Notice that while a few people have come onto this thread to say they're in a big age gap relationship, or their mum is? No-one has come on to say, 'I'm 40, and my boyfriend is 18'. Not one.

One person in a middle-aged-geezer-young-woman coupling even laughed at the idea - she goes for older men, of course.

Well yes, clearly, because adults don't tend to find teenagers that interesting.

One person in a middle-aged-geezer-young-woman coupling even laughed at the idea - she goes for older men, of course.

Yes, even though age is just a number and you can be sooo mature at 18. Shit s got no interest

Ignore the cool wifing has anyone said theyd love for their 18 year old daughter to hook up with a nice 40 year old man? I'd be really interested to know how many of the older husbands would be happy with their 18 year old daughters hooking up with someone in their 40s.

And to the poster who said the 18 year old might be really good for him, you're missing the point.

OP, this is not your business and the eejits on this thread who declare themselves 'horrified' should calm down and stop twitching.
18 is an adult and can date whomever they choose. End of.
Age difference matters not an iota if people are otherwise compatible.

"So you agree she's not likely to be over it?"

poster TatianaLarina -

You surely must be mixing me up with someone else. You are implying things I simply haven't said.

I’d be worried how you knew she suffered abuse if you’ve never even met her. I’m guessing her ‘boyfriend’ told you - which is at best disrespectful.
It’s sleazy, why would a 40 year old want a near child as a partner?
Those saying 18 is adult have clearly never had an 18 year old. They are anything but adult except in law. They are inexperienced, naive and vulnerable to cads if not properly protected/supported to enter the adult world gradually rather than on their 18th birthday.

No YearOfYouRemember I have confused you with no-one. I have asked you questions you have refused to answer.

I've not RTFT but this was me at that age. I dated a 38 year old guy when I was 19. We probably were judge but I didn't realise. My parents, although not happy accepted him which helped. I still had my life and friends and he his. If I'm honest I used him, got use of his car, great sex, he introduced me to fine dining and experiences I wouldn't have had otherwise. We both knew it was never going to be "the one" but we had a great few months of fun.

Go with it, act normally and hopefully she will be lovely and you'll get on ok x

OK so you've not yet met her

and yet you can make judgments about her and how vulnerable she is.

you trust, your friend to be a Godparent and yet he is predatory?

is this not a bit of a double standard?

how do you act?

Try being a bit less judgmental for a start!

To be honest your friend needs better friends. Yes be surprised he is going out with someone younger, but at least meet her and see them together before you make such judgments.

Think what you like PA1 but I have no interest in making anything up. Every word I've said is true

So you've never met her but you know she was sexually abused as a child

Quicker - we asked him to be godfather before he got this gf. His previous gf was 22 which I didn't have such a problem with as she wasn't a teenager and so young

Also I don't judge him on the bdsm thing per se. Not my cuppa tea but plenty of people are into that. It's just when it's now combined with someone so young

I was in a relationship with someone 20 years older than me when I was much younger (though outside my teens). At the time I thought it was fine. A lot of people were quite concerned about it at the time and he got a lot of flak about it at work (we worked together)

I am now the age he was at the time. I look at men and women the age I was then and am horrified by it tbh. I can now see it was completely inappropriate especially given I was very immature for my age due to various issues, and had no previous experience of relationships (which he knew about). I do feel he wanted someone compliant and that it flattered his ego being able to get a very young woman, rather than him actually wanting me specifically.

I suspect this guys motives are similarly questionable and I would feel uncomfortable around both of them.

Just read that your friend told your dp about her being abused. Nice. And your dp told you. How lovely these men sound. I hope the woman runs for the hills.

I'd be appalled if my bf told anyone about my past abuse. And would dump him immediately.

At 18, I'd be mortified if I confided something very personal, painful (and given age, probably quite raw) to my boyfriend and he told about it to other people - and then invited me to a social event with them. He sees her as an episode / experience, does not see the human behind.

I don't necessarily see the issue with the age gap. At 16, I was dating my teacher, and the balance of power was definitely on my side (I am still of this opinion 20 years later). We are still good friends. Depends on the personality.

When I was 20, I had a man of 32, um, making it known that he was interested, so to speak.

I liked him. But the age gap was just too much. I couldn't reconcile it in my mind. How could I take him out and hang out with my group of friends.

Part of me thinks that there's very much a reason that some very young women go for older guys. And it often boils down to a wide range of things - but a very strong factor seems to be - them not having a wide (or old small) circle of their own solid friends.

I'm 40, DD is 18. It's grim for me to think of dating an 18 yo, truth be told even thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I asked DD if she'd date someone of my age - she looked at me like I was insane and said "fuck that shit, creepy as hell".

As a sexually abused male (in childhood) I know it's, to this day, made me extremely cautious around men. I won't see a male doctor etc. It fucked me up, including dating/sexually until I hit about 21 and even then I had panic attacks on tap. Thanks PTSD.

The BDSM part makes grim reading.

Hope you're OK, Steve.
You're absolutely right about the BDSM part #grim