39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

[Pooshy]

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

These kind of relationships nowadays don't last Or most cases are not practical.
Older people can do this for genuine reasons or be a predator, wanting to have kids / family later on in life, ego boost etc.
Younger people can be genuine, want money / security that someone that age can provide, have issues etc.
No matter what reasons people put out or what theorys people have - the bottom line is these people are at 2 completely different stages of their life.
Older one wants to settle down / has a particular way of life / responsibilities / retirement / illnesses related to aging.
Younger may have just left education or started on a career path / not alot in the way of responsibilities / life ahead of them.
Generational differences can become a nightmare. Younger one can be forced to settle down early which can be off putting. Music, hobbies, interests, friend groups can just be vastly different. One person could of seen the world and did amazing things in their lifetime, the other ones just starting life and then they get tied down and miss out. Its shit = not practical.
Sure there are exceptions where it works for some but it's not at all practical in the long run.
Just see where it goes I guess there's always the shits excuse I mentioned if you don't wanna get involved 😂

Hannabee123 how small is your life? Being patronising is a bit shit on mn. I've read your post. It makes no sense. Try again.

Age gaps are not a big deal when you’re older, but I do think they’re significant when you’re young - ie I wouldn’t really bat an eyelid a 30 year old dating a 50 year old, or a 45 year old dating a 65 year old..but 18? You’re basically still a kid..I know legally you’re not, but let’s be real - most 18 year olds don’t have a sense of who they are yet.

I would wonder what they talk about!!

I know there are exceptions but generally I would raise an eyebrow at this. I tend to be wary of men who date significantly younger women (eg late teens - early twenties). It makes you wonder why women their own age aren’t interested..

When I was younger I dated older men. I thought it was ‘cool’ and normal then, but looking back Im not so sure.

Isn’t the acceptable rule 1/2 your age plus 5 years?

Sparkle I quite agree. I have a few friends in their late thirties dating men in their late fifties or early sixties. This doesn’t make me bat an eyelid, but I question an 18-year-old and a much older man. I myself dated a 20-year-old when I was 15, which is its own kind of gross, but I wasn’t so vastly different as a person between 15 and 18.

It does make me rather concerned. I have a friend early 20’s and she’s got a boyfriend who is somewhere between 45 and 55 - that’s the same age gap between me and my dad! She also pregnant with his child. She says age is just a number, but they’ve only been together less than two years and I honestly think there’s more to it behind the scenes.

She's an adult. I doubt it will go anywhere. But having a relationship with a much older man is not necessarily exploitative - it can be a good learning experience for the younger woman (and I speak from experience here).

In every single example of huge age gaps on this thread, it's a ridiculously young woman and a middle-aged bloke.

Funny that. Not.

What is it about women, that they seem have have no desire to hook up with teenagers?

I just don’t understand why a 39 year old grown man would be interested in a 18 year old. Yeah yeah yeah legally and adult but you know, not really.

Bit gross really.

Yes, Dowager, those were my thoughts too. We are all socially conditioned to think that a large age gap is no big deal if it's an older man / younger woman combination but people laugh out loud when it's a older woman / young man with the same age gap. Guaranteed people would find it utterly ridiculous if a 39 year old woman dated an 18 year old guy. We then have to listen to all kinds of nonsense like' but girls are more mature for their age' or 'men can be emotionally immature' and so on.

Really, in the vast majority of these kinds of relationships for the guy it's about sex with a young hot girl who is innocent and can be manipulated into doing things older women would have the confidence to say no to. In other words, perviness. It's worrying that this girl has a background of abuse in her family. Not that your friend is necessarily a perv but... well, if the cap fits...

My mum was 19 when she started seeing my dad who was 38. They then had my brother when she was 21 and me at 23.

However, their relationship was pretty awful and we didn't have a great childhood growing up because it wasn't a particularly happy home life.

They were at extremely different life stages. Dad was retiring whilst mum wanted to go out. As they got older they had less and less in common.

Once mum hit 40, she had enough courage to leave my dad and start again. She lost out on those years where she should have gone out partying and dating and so made up for them for the first few years. Good for her.

Watching that relationship has made me bitter and unsupportive of large age gaps. Op, whilst your friends might have lots in common now, in 20 years, when he's 60 and she's 40, they'll have different wants and needs. I can't see it working long term.

In every single example of huge age gaps on this thread, it's a ridiculously young woman and a middle-aged bloke.

Sam Taylor-Wood. Joan Collins. Tina Turner. Less frequent, admittedly, but it does happen.

So 2 adult are in a consenting relationship and you find that horrifying?

Those examples of Joan Collins and Tina Turner happened later in life when their male partners were older, not 18 years old. I agree with a PP upthread who said that a 20 year age gap is less concerning when it is e.g. a 40 year old marrying a 60-year old because there is a certain level of maturity guaranteed for the 40-year old so the pervy /exploitative element isn't there.

Emanuel Macron's marriage is literally the only one I can think of where the woman was 39 years old and the male partner was a teenager and even then his parents separated them by sending Macron away to school in Paris because they thought it was inappropriate. They only married later in life when they were both mature adults.

Up to them what they do, Id prob distance myself from the man tho, if it was me. Because my opinion of him would not be good. Xx

Sam Taylor-Wood met her current husband, and they became engaged, when he was 18 and she was 42.

At 18, she is an adult. You may think it's ridiculous (and I think that it will probably come to nothing), but it really is none of our business.

I really, really hate that concept, "inappropriate". What is "inappropriate" to some people is something that other people actually want.

That said, if the OP dislikes the man because of what she's doing, she's perfectly entitled to distancing herself from him.

He is free to shag a consenting 18-year-old. Other people are free to dislike him for it.

In every single example of huge age gaps on this thread, it's a ridiculously young woman and a middle-aged bloke.

Sam Taylor-Wood. Joan Collins. Tina Turner. Less frequent, admittedly, but it does happen.

Yes, rich older women who could dominate their younger mate. But on this thread, real life day to day examples...

Why have you invited a guy who you suspect might be taking advantage of a young person who has suffered abuse? Surely the right thing to have done is to have not invited him, and if he asks why tell him the brutal truth - “we think you’re taking advantage of a vulnerable person to fulfil your sexual desires and don’t think it’s right.” By Inviting him and avoiding the elephant in the room he will think you guys take no issue in his “iffy sexual relations”.

Be honest are you secretly looking forward to having a good old nosey at their relationship?

She may be in it for security if he treats her nicely, trying to put a positive spin on it, but it just seems so wrong. I'd judge too. He's got to be in it for the sex. What else would you want an inexperienced in life, child/adult for?

I suppose the only thing you can do is watch the dynamics and play it by ear.

if he treats her nicely,

But he doesn’t. He discusses her personal life, painful history and sexual habits with people she hasn’t even met.

I am a bit baffled as to why you are putting yourself through this, OP?

You feel strongly about it and it makes you uncomfortable. Say so.

‘I think you are doing the wrong thing in this relationship and it makes me really unhappy to sanction it. Please could you give me more time and I hope to be happy for you in the future? I just find it a bit much for now so can I delay meeting her?’

Then, don’t ever meet her.

There is something wrong with a 39 yr old who dates an 18 yr old. There just is.
He would not be invited to my home.