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AIBU?

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Original poster

39 year old friend has 18 year old girlfriend

338 replies

Pooshy · 22/06/2018 20:24

Our good friend is coming to a bbq with us tomorrow and bringing his gf who he's been dating since January

We've not yet met her but he's 39 and she is 18.....!! She is closer in age to my children than me

My DH and I are horrified that he's going out with someone so young. DH has expressed this to him plenty of times and how it's so wrong but it doesn't register. To top it off I know she had a tough childhood with sexual abuse from her father

He's actually a really nice guy (he's our sons godfather) but I just don't know how to act tomorrow....

OP posts:
Motoko · 23/06/2018 19:16

Don't know about laws, but he would have lost his job if it got out.

Gottagetmoving · 23/06/2018 19:21

Why do people get so bloody worked up about this?
It's two adults in a relationship. It's legal. It's nobody else's business!
The woman could date someone her own age who abuses her without you knowing, but you would be happy so long as the bloke was 18?
It's so sick that today people will always assume there must be something awful going on if there is this kind of age gap.

Marriedwithchildren5 · 23/06/2018 21:19

Some angry people in this thread. At 19 I met dh then 32 enjoying the single life. A couple of posts later he's been turned into a middle aged, married man with children who shouldn't have been dating 19 year old me apparently!

To be fair i might think that now as that is what he turned into!

SimplySteve · 23/06/2018 21:56

Sorry I've not fully caught up yet, but the post by fuckmeinbothears @ 11:38 made me gasp as it nails everything wrong with this scenario and led me to think (happens occasionally) before posting. It also took me back some 20 years, to a conversation I had with DW.

In her experience, far, far worse than my own, she (and friends) were vulnerable, easy to develop friendship with, and to gradually turn that friendship into hell, sexually, financially, emotionally, physical hell. It's a fact (and I am more than happy to go and curate sources, but Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa covers it nicely) vulnerable, abused, teens haven't the normal spectrum of life experience and hence easy to "turn" extremely easily.

I'm sorry but some 12 hrs after I started reading this, if a man like this attempted ins on my 18yo DD... My own life experience points to this man being predatory.

captainproton · 23/06/2018 23:07

For me it’s not the age, as I am in an age gap marriage myself. But surely any man with half an ounce of decency would avoid a ‘relationship’ with a young woman with abuse issues. There are many 18 year olds who are mature enough and want the benefits and learning experience of being with an older man. And often btw it’s the older party who gets hurt most. Of course this 18 year old may be all these things too, but I think it’s probably unlikely.

Lichtie · 23/06/2018 23:21

Captainproton... So if he found this out through her sharing part way into the relationship he should have ended it... Because what, she is some sort of damaged goods? Would that not be worse?

WellAndTrulyCurbed · 24/06/2018 02:23

I think age gaps were probably way more common and 'socially acceptable' in the not so distant past compared to present day
Do you mean when marriage was purely a contract and women (or girls) were nothing more than property to bargain with? Thank God we've moved on though sometimes it feels like there is still a long way to go.

It's so sick that today people will always assume there must be something awful going on if there is this kind of age gap
No, it really isn't sick at all. That kind of gap is never ok. A 40 yr old and an 18 yr old. I'm sorry that in your world it's acceptable.

Yes, an 18 yr old can be abused by a fellow 18 yr old but that 18 yr old abuser has really polished his game by 40. So a 40 yr old preying on someone who does not have that life experience is always going to be a bigger danger. I'm also sorry you can't see that

tildaMa · 24/06/2018 04:08

If they are in a D/S relationship then him being older may well fit right into her preferences.

More likely she doesn't even know what her actual preferences are because she's been abused very recently and didn't get a change to learn how actual relationships work.

Oh, and he's not into BDSM, because that's all about conscious consent.

Hannabee123 · 24/06/2018 07:19

Well how did it go?

Original poster
Pooshy · 24/06/2018 08:25

She didn't come! She was ill apparently

My friend did however ask me what I thought as he said my DH had told him all the female friends in our group had a problem with it which he couldn't believe. So I then did tell him I wasn't comfortable with it as she's a teenager and struggled to see what they'd have in common

He doesn't know I know about the abuse, but he did start to mention there was some sort of history with he which explained why they together. I then changed the subject as I didn't want him to tell me any more

OP posts:
NotASingleFuckToGive · 24/06/2018 08:35

Captainproton... So if he found this out through her sharing part way into the relationship he should have ended it... Because what, she is some sort of damaged goods? Would that not be worse?

I'm female, mid 30s. Playing devil's advocate; Say I lost my mind and began a relationship with an 18 year old boy. If he subsequently confided in me that he had been sexually abused by his Mother while growing up, then I would end the relationship immediately, yes.
While I would hope he had every opportunity available to access help to work through those experiences, to remain in that sexual relationship, I'd see myself as his way of working through his abuse issues in a controlled setting with a mother figure who, this time, isn't molesting him. That sounds like a deeply unhealthy basis for a future happy relationship.
If my same/similar aged partner confided abuse, it would of course be totally different.

Original poster
Pooshy · 24/06/2018 08:39

Singlefuck - I agree with you there

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 24/06/2018 08:54

I'll bet she wasn't Ill she probably would just rather spend her time with people who done judge her and talk about her private life.

Biologifemini · 24/06/2018 09:00

It isn’t the age gap itself. It is a man going out with a vulnerable teenager.
It is an unequal relationship. If she was 21 or 22 with a little bit more life experience and then it wouldn’t be so grim.

Gottagetmoving · 24/06/2018 09:58

That kind of gap is never ok. A 40 yr old and an 18 yr old. I'm sorry that in your world it's acceptable

Why do people assume any man of that age with a partner of 18 MUST be manipulative or predatory or perverted?
If you don't know the people involved you have no idea what the situation is.
For all you know this mm ma he the best thing that can happen for this woman.
You can't say it is NEVER ok. You have no idea.

AngelsSins · 24/06/2018 09:58

Nope, couldn’t be happy with this situation at all. I don’t think I could be friends with him. You may think he’s a nice guy, but that doesn’t mean he treats his girlfriend well. How many times do we hear about men killing or attacking their partners and all his friends say “ but he’s such a nice guy”? I just think you don’t really know a man unless you’ve lived with him and been in a relationship with him.

To all those saying it’s fine, it’s an age gap, no big deal etc. Would YOU date an 18 year old, and if not, why not?

Gottagetmoving · 24/06/2018 09:59

Man.....sorry, keyboard playing up!

flamingofridays · 24/06/2018 10:06

You may think he’s a nice guy, but that doesn’t mean he treats his girlfriend well

You could say that about any man in any relationship surely? His age is irrelevant.

craxmum · 24/06/2018 10:10

@PuddlesOfBud

I was not groomed by my teacher. It is quite patronising to assume that even if I was a gullible idiot at that time, I would not be able to tell a difference now 20 years later.
As I said, we are still good friends, our romantic relationship naturally ran its course over the next 9 years, when I left to continue with my doctorate in a different country. It started because I was a 'gifted' student who had to attend a lot of STEM conferences, cups and competitions, and he was the most junior of science/math dept, and was tasked with accompanying me. I started testing my newly discovered charms on him from the age of 14, and he did exceptionally well to resist it for more than two years. But I was too determined to fail :)
Every 16 year old is different and every story is different. Regarding my own daughter, I can imagine a situation when I would be calling the police immediately, and also one where I would be giving my full blessing. She's two now, it is hard to predict what she will be like in 14 years.

NotASingleFuckToGive · 24/06/2018 10:59

I started testing my newly discovered charms on him from the age of 14, and he did exceptionally well to resist it for more than two years.

A teacher managed to resist the advances of a horny 14 year old. How commendable Hmm

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/06/2018 11:08

@craxmum When your daughter is 16 you will be horrified and see this man and that episode in your life in a completely different light.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 24/06/2018 11:10

craxmum That literally turned my stomach. He waited till you were legal and groomed you in the meantime.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 24/06/2018 11:15

Starting with "you're special gifted".

craxmum · 24/06/2018 11:26

@SchnitzelVonKrumm
Well, I guess I have to wait then for that revelation. At the moment I am very grateful that it happened to me - it made me very confident both in my feminine attraction and my intellectual abilities. I would have never taken the career / academia route I did if not for him - my parents, as well as everyone else, thought that even a degree in a 'masculine' discipline is too exotic, and completely wrote me off as a spinster lesbian as I was not married with children by 22, but still building and programming useless robots :) He's the only one who encouraged me to persevere at that time in my studies, and, in that respect, has always stayed my "teacher". It's a different culture, of course, but still. Why are you so keen to brand someone a victim who is clearly does not feel like one? There are more colours to life than black and white.

Quartz2208 · 24/06/2018 11:28

I agree he hasn’t gotten into BDSM at all he has watched porn and wants to act out what he has seen. That is not BDSM at all

Tbh I could not be friends with someone who has objectified women to the extent that a vulnerable 18 year old is the only one he can convince to go along with it

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