Changing access for dsd

[advice121]

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

If your DP can’t manage to travel 30mins a few evenings per week after work then he isn’t a fit parent

when has op said he cant manage it? the child will be in bed when he gets there. nothing to do with him "not managing"

and again, if the RP doesn't want to do all the parenting, they can do shared care, funny how few actually consider it.

So will it just be the Sunday EOW he’ll be missing out on? And he’ll still get to keep the same arrangement of EOW?

Like I put pages ago - we need to know who it was that moved so there was a 30 min drive.

Someone will always lose out when there is a split family. I wouldn’t be happy to lose out every weekend and only end up with during the week. How can you do stuff like going to zoo type places during the week? 4hrs from school to bed isn’t long when you consider meal times, bath time, homework etc.

12 days is a long time to go without seeing your child I agree, but mid week visits do not seem possible as there’s the 30 minute drive after finishing at work which would get the DP to his child. This is only unfair on the dad IF it was the mum who moved originally

^^ get the DP to his child at bed time

but nobody has said why they cant have one day each, each weekend?

So why the hell are you incapable of grasping that some jobs have fixed hours? What if someone told you you were a bad parent for working full time and not being with your kids 24/7? Would you like that?

When I had my DS I went back to study and changed careers. I wanted to be able to have a job that I could have school holidays off, and to also have him as a student as my school. I changed EVERYTHING in my life to make sure that DS is supported and I can find a way to fit my work around his needs. As a parent, your child comes first. You have to find a way to be a parent and an employee.

You have to find a way to be a parent and an employee

yep and most people have a normal job without being able to drop hours left right and centre and they manage fine and don't get told they are incapable of being a parent.

@flamingofridays if it works for most people, then great!
But it doesn't work for everyone.

Especially not a NRP who only sees his child 8 days out of the month as it is.

He's not doing anything even close to equal parenting.

If he's upset, he'd be moving heaven and earth to see her move including a move closer to her so he can see her mid week.

Flexible working is something he should at least attempt.

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I genuinely don't believe that second text tbh,it is worded very much like the OP trying to reinforce the unreasonable behaviour of the mother.

I hate the "he can't work x hours". I'm a single parent and I pay for nursery so I can work full time to provide for my son. Many non resident parents would do anything they could to spend more time with their children. If that meant changing jobs or moving house that's what they would do! The childs mother is entirely reasonable imo.

@HellenaHandbasket I agree.

Almost as if she was trying to sway the opinion...

Your DSD is entitled to have to have her mum at the weekends just as much as she is her dad is. She doesn’t have to give up her fun time with mummy just because daddy can’t do weekdays.

Child is old enough to at least have a preference. You need to remember that child contact is the right of the child not the adults, and do what is in her best interests, not yours.

My child’s father used to have her one day every weekend and it was a bit exhausting having to do hand overs every weekend. Now she does every other weekend SHE is much happier. Daddy wasn’t happy about it but it isn’t about him, it’s about her.

It is naive to think that anyone and everyone can change their hours to suit their childcare needs. It’s the reason why so many single parents have to live on benefits because it’s almost impossible to find work to fit childcare hours.

From the OP’s description I am guessing that the DP is some kind of carer and as such of course he will be required to work certain hours.

However, if he cannot make it to see his daughter one evening in the week on the mother’s invitation then I would question why not. The OP stated that the mother knew he wouldn’t do it hence why she suggested it, so call her bluff and tell her that actually yes, it’s a great idea and he would love to come to tea on x night. Even if he books a few days leave over the coming months to facilitate this. If, and only if she then starts to refuse will he have justification in suggesting that the mother will not facilitate contact on week nights....

As for eOW, yes,, it’s reasonable to suggest that each parent have a weekend each with their child. This is the nature of split families. But now it’s up to the DP to step up to find a way to see his child during the week. Through the courts and official agreement if need be.

My ex finishes early every other week so enable him to collect ds from school and drop him off in the morning it is doable.

To whoever said I made the text up....I didn't. I didn't word it word for word like she did but that's basically the gist....

It must be nice for those who have flexible working hours....dh doesn't. Don't know how many times I can say this! He has specific people he works with at the same time each week. Yes he gets holidays obviously....but as for working later/starting earlier, it's a big no in his job. He has a lot of people relying on him.

To those asking about bed time, she's in bed with lights out at 7pm. Wether the ex would allow an exception for dh to see her....I have no idea.

To those suggest he move? Oh yeah so he leaves me and his new baby to move closer? Or are we all expected to move house? Even when yes it was HER that moved away! I'll just take my dcs out of school, especially my ds with special needs who finds school incredibly difficult. We shall just up and move everything.

It's all changed now anyway, he went to collect dsd from her local pub tonight. She announced that she's been offered a job there on weekends starting next weekend. So now the arrangement is staying the same.

He asked her what about the time with dsd she was so desperate for but she said she could do with the extra cash.

Dh did actually ask her how it's going to affect her benefits and was she sure she would be able to manage (knowing full well what she like with money). Her reply was it's cash in hand so she doesnt have to declare it - clearly she's not learnt anything

Also he asked who would be having dsd on the Saturday night that we don't and she said she would figure something out.

So all this has been for nothing. Could do even just been a wind up as I find it difficult to believe she texts dh this morning with her nasty message then to all of a sudden change it on the same day.

At the end of the day, I agreed with the ex. I thought eow was fair. I'm in the same situation with my ex. He has eow and I enjoy the weekends I have with my dcs. I understood why she wanted it.

What I didn't agree with was the way she said it. There was no conversation. No even asking dh how he felt about it. It was just this is what's happened and that's that. Dh was understandablet upset and tbh, if he didn't care he would probably get slated for being a shit dad for not being bothered about losing time with his kid.

I think your DH needs to work this one out with his ex. They need to agree sensible access which works best for their dd.

You seem perfectly reasonable actually - but it's between the child's parents.

Let them thrash it out, & if they can't agree on access, then it will have to go to court.

No point you steaming in. You can just keep reiterating to dp that it would be much better if he agreed stuff with his ex, or resolved things through the Court if they can't.

Half an hour away is nothing! There are lots of solutions so that your dh can have his daughter for a night or two during the week.

He pays a childminder to get her to school.
Either your dc or his dd go to breakfast club.
Her mum picks her up for school if she's willing.

Yeah, yeah I will probably get hammered for this......so be it......you have to call a spade a spade.
Soooooo reading your post I initially thought, yeah I get the eow with the changes in school etc and subconsciously thought (that's until about a month in when she will want some free time again and eow of free time won't be enough) that is until I reached the line having baby in October and when 'batshit' ensuring dsd wouldn't be left out sounds to me like a clear cut case of using the kid as a pawn to punch ex in the head. It makes absolutely no sense she went batshit over dsd not being left out with a new baby (translation, you are having a baby, wtf, hell no, l'll show you) then all of a sudden mom has an epiphany and discovers that dd going to school full time means less time with mom. BS flag being lifted as high as I can wave it!!!!
She is using this excuse to punch her ex husband your dh where it hurts. Don't forget she knows him so she knows his buttons. The best way to react it to not give her the fright or begging she wants to see. Just sit and say, look obviously we want dsd as much ad possible and we love her dearly, but you seem to have strong feelings on what is best for her with the start of school full time. We all want this to be a positive experience for her and for her to know we are here for here and supporting her getting off to a great start so if you feel that means spending eow and weeknights with you then that is the sacrifice we will have to make in giving up some of our time with her until we can see how she settles into school.
Trust me the ex will be boiling, she wants you to fight and to beg, it makes her feel in control. But she will come running after a while of eow and every evening. She will eventually want to have more free time or a date or not want to fork out for a baby sitter.
Just make sure when the little one arrives in October that DSD is included in the welcoming and the newborn photos and as much as possible. Tell DH to stay calm and beat her at her own game. Don't let her see that using dd as a pawn works otherwise it will be a very very long and stressful i parenting experience at the cost of dsd.
Good luck OP and congratulations on the new baby.

The ex isn't being unreasonable. My eldest spends 50:50 time between me and his dad's. He is now old enough to make his own way to/from school and our houses but in the past, the arrangement was doable thanks to our working hours, and DS's stepmum's working hours.

Friends I know make flexibility easier by having either the step parents do the school run, using breakfast/after school clubs, a childminder or sometimes bringing in family help.

I'm a resident parent. I want a full weekend with my kids. Exh asked for part of every weekend and I said no.

Storming out is pathetic though

I totally agree with Ellie73

When mine were starting school my ExH would travel 45 mins on a week day night straight after work to come and see his kids. As we were amicable I would let him come in the house ( I appreciate not everyone can or will do that).

EOW seems reasonable to me. Otherwise mum doesn’t get any of the downtime. School runs etc are a nightmare.