Changing access for dsd

[advice121]

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

if he absolutely can’t change his working hours fair enough, then he has to work around it. So what other solutions are there? Why doesn’t he head over to his dads house straight after work and he can do bath and bedtime? Or on a Friday could she not stay up late and he could take her to the park/bowling for an hour after work and have her home for about 7.30?

He could surely at least try to request flexible working for one day in the week. You say he works from 7.30-6pm 5 days a week - that’s much longer hours than a standard contract. There must be room to drop an hour or two?

PeakPants - some jobs aren’t flexible and therefore not suitable for parents who need flexibility. My Ex changed his job to be able to spend time with his son (used to do shift work). OP’s DP may need to make that sacrifice too and start hunting for a less rigid / 9-5 job. If he doesn’t then he can’t moan he isn’t seeing his child enough, that’s just how it is

OP you've been very quick to be offended with me, but I have to wonder whether she is "notoriously difficult to deal with " or if he always wants his own way and won't listen. This might be why she phrased her proposals as she did.

Of course I could be way off the mark. As with all threads we have a snap shot as provided by the OP. Just from the small snapshot we have, he doesn't come across as the easiest to deal with or the most flexible person. Why am I bothering to say this? I just thought it might help things generally to present another point of view so that at least you might see things a bit from her pov.

AGAIN why should the mother either a.) lose a night from her weekend again to accommodate Dad. There are only 4 nights a fortnight DSD can stay up late, why should Dad get the fun of 3 of them?

And why should Mum have to let him into her home to do bedtime?
I repeat... would Dad or Op be happy having the ex in their home for hours at a time every fortnight?!

Sorry the second part was supposed to be b.)

Mind you, I agree ex is taking the piss if she still wants him to have his dd on her weekends if she wants to go out.

That's her problem to fix.

& ok, if they are on generally friendly terms obviously it's great if she can say 'I'm off out Saturday night, can I drop dd to you & collect her in the morning, or shall I just get a babysitter?' but it can't be an expectation.

Flowerpotbicycle - according to the OP ex has suggested evening visits at her house.

I can't think of anything worse - my ex very definitely does not cross the threshold - but if she says it suits her presumably it does.

Agree with everything else you've said.

Ahhh I missed that bit.
Anyway it seems to be an expectation that mothers need to accommodate dads when they’re being inflexible. It’s up to him to make it work, and if can’t then that’s unfortunate but not mum’s fault

How is it cheeky to ask him to have his DD a few extra weekends because her mum is going out? Isn’t he moaning he doesn’t she did enough?
Surely he should be pleased he’s getting extra time with his daughter?

see her enough

people saying he is refusing to change his work hours, rather then he cant change his work hours are clearly living on another planet.

its really not that simple to change your work hours at the drop of a hat, or for instance get another job with different hours.

and everyone saying about good bits and bad bits - I just don't get that.

why is doing the before and after school a "bad bit" you still have to get them up and dressed and feed them, and feed them bath them and do bed time every day regardless of what you're doing. Just so happens some days have school in between and some don't.

This is fair enough and I don’t think you should push it. She’s 11 and she’s going to want to go out with her friends at the weekend and it’s really not fair for her only to have one day per fortnight to do that plus having to choose between friends and one full day with her Mum.

I think this is appropriate as she is growing up and won’t need to be supervised by a parent all the time.

In all honesty I do think eow is fair (maybe he can see her during the week one evening/night) - her Mum will miss out on full weekends with her daughter if she sees her dad every weekend. You have to look at it both ways - when children start school you really do only have the weekends to do stuff together so it is unfair to expect the Mum to give up this time.

how is eow "fair" mum will see her every day bar what 1 full day every two weeks, dad will see her for 2 days every 2 weeks.

what part of that is fair?

Flamingo because weekdays are not quality time at all! I barely see my kids before or after school.
We’re rushed in the morning to get out on time (which is stressful) and straight after school is homework, dinner, bath and early to bed on a school night.
There’s not much time to play, certainly no time for a “day out”.
Why shouldn’t mum (who puts ALL the midweek graft in!) not be able to have fun and enjoy a relaxed nice time with her child?!
I love doing things with my DC’s at the weekend like going to the park, zoo, farm, swimming etc. I don’t have time to do those nice things in the week, why shouldn’t mum have the opportunity to play with her kids?

flamingofridays how about the fact the mum isn’t able to have a job that doesn’t offer flexibility? Is that fair? If he wants to see his daughter more he needs a different job with more flexibility. No one is saying that is easy, but the rest of us parents have had to do it.

How is it 'not as easy as that'. The mum wouldn't be able to work 50+ hours a week with inflexible hours, if he wants to he should either be grateful that shes doing his portion of the childcare during the week enabling him to do this, or he should change jobs.

How can you not understand that school days are the rubbish part? You think the mum should be fine with doing all the organising, school runs, tea times, homework, bedtimes, while the dad and his new partner have her for more than half of the weekends where they can go on days out and have fun?

im not saying she shouldn't have the opportunity - im saying its a long time to go without seeing your own child.

its ok for dad to miss out but not mum because of the "midweek graft" (ha!!)

and as for "the rest of us parents have had to do it" - no we haven't. I still work full time in the same job as I did pre ds. so does dp.

in fact dp doesn't do any morning nursery runs, I do them all, and most bedtimes. should I be taking ds out at my own on a weekend because I do most of the "midweek graft"

or does this only apply to NRPs?

peak that's so rude!

In the end it's his issue to solve anyway

I don't think she's being unreasonable - of course she wants some of the more relaxed and fun time with her child. If your DH is the great father you say then he'll have to do what many of us working parents do - go and ask for flexible working and say why. Could he work a half day every other week or similar? or a 4 day week every other week?
I don't know any friends of ours who aren't doing something along those lines - including the dads - where a parent goes in late but works later, goes in early, leaves later - accrues hours for a half day, etc. etc. And yes there is a financial hit obvs. but ultimately what's more important.
My work weren't keen on me working less hours, but decided that they didn't want to risk losing me over it.

and if she was that bothered about the fact she was doing all the shit jobs and he just got the good times, then surely she would suggest 50/50 so that he got 50% of the shit jobs as well?

should I be taking ds out at my own on a weekend because I do most of the "midweek graft"

Presumably you have fun as a family. In the case of a RP that family is often just them and the child(ren). It’s not a case of “alone” time.

Where are those jobs that I can do and change the hours at the drop of a hat?

Some jobs have fixed hours, why is that such a difficult concept for some people to grasp?