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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Changing access for dsd

149 replies

advice121 · 22/06/2018 09:02

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

OP posts:

Butterflyrosebud · 22/06/2018 12:20

Haven’t read all of the thread but just a thought... If he finishes work at 6pm could he not go straight to collect her and take her out for dinner once a week? Even if she had a slightly later bedtime - say 7.30. If he house is only 30 minutes away there must be something that can be done. Or could he do this on the Friday night on the weekend he doesn’t have her? If the mother would be open to this?

SoupDragon · 22/06/2018 12:21

surely she would suggest 50/50 so that he got 50% of the shit jobs as well?

How do you see that working when he can’t even manage to find the time for a mid week visit due to his job?

Flowerpotbicycle · 22/06/2018 12:21

Well more fool you then Flamingo. I wouldn’t be living with someone who didn’t split the childcare equally.

So yes it does only apply to NRP’s as they don’t do anything at all in practicality for their children.

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:22

well he would use childcare like the rest of us who cannot magically change their hours, no?

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:23

more fool me flowerpot

more fool me for living with someone who works long hours and pays the bills..... errrrrrrrrm ok - he does plenty of other things but ds nursery day starts and mostly finishes when hes at work - what the actual fuck do you expect him to do about that?

RunningBean · 22/06/2018 12:23

It is a long time but if its all he's willing to do that's his choice.
He's choosing not to go over for bedtimes due to a half hour journey.

They've separated so the option of them both being there all the time has gone, therefore it can either be split 50/50 with free time and school days, or it can be split 50/50 for free time and the parent who is prioritising the kid can pick up the slack like in this situation.

What if the mum wanted to do a 50+ hour week? Oh wait she can't, but apparently the dad cant not. Very equal.

Flowerpotbicycle · 22/06/2018 12:25

Which has been suggested Flamingo! Keep up!
Many people have suggested wrap around care at school so he can still see her in the week!
If he’s not willing to do that he doesn’t then get to decide he has every weekend, meaning mum gets no downtime with her child at all

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:25

So yes it does only apply to NRP’s as they don’t do anything at all in practicality for their children

how can they when theyre only allowed to see their kids every other weekend?

TimetohittheroadJack · 22/06/2018 12:26

I absolutely agree 12/14 days without seeing your children would be terrible. Therefore if I was in that situation I’d move heaven and earth to change it - I’d happily drive 30 mins even if it meant only seeing my child for half an hour before bedtime, enthusiastically agreeing to any extra time (even if it was last minute and possibly inconvienient), looking a for new job, considering moving closer, whatever.

RunningBean · 22/06/2018 12:26

How could she suggest 50/50 to a dad who won't even drive over to do bedtime after work?

Flowerpotbicycle · 22/06/2018 12:26

Well why are you doing all bath and bed times etc? Your completely illogical to this situation and clearly still with the father of your children so you’ve not had to experience being separated from them at weekends. Would you really be happy not seeing your children at weekends at all?

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:27

It is a long time but if its all he's willing to do that's his choice.
He's choosing not to go over for bedtimes due to a half hour journey

but its not his choice is it? he isn't happy with it.
to me I read it as it wasn't the journey he wasn't happy with but the fact that the mother would be putting the child to bed when he got there?

flowerpot so being so rude and condescending. I would bet ex wouldn't have that either though?

Flowerpotbicycle · 22/06/2018 12:30

Flamingo again... he’s been offered the chance to see her in the week and is being awkward about it. Just because he doesn’t want to make the effort doesn’t mean he can then be annoyed about not having her every weekend

Nikephorus · 22/06/2018 12:31

I would also be wary of any plan that involves the OP herself taking on extra, rather than her partner, as this doesn't help his time with his dd and she is about to have a baby.
Yes agreed, but if she can do the pick up & drop off then at least he can have some time with DSD at his home and have her overnight mid-week, given that he can't finish at a time to pick her up or start at a time that allows him to drop off.
Or maybe they could arrange for someone else (paid) to do a mid-week after & before school drop-off to enable a mid-week visit without meaning that OP has to fit it in?
There are ways there to sort this if you look hard enough...

RunningBean · 22/06/2018 12:31

No he could be putting the child to bed when he gets there. It is his choice not to.

Wonder why he doesn't want to, oh wait presumably its not fun enough so better reject that offer and complain about not having more weekends rather than making the effort to see her.

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:32

because the majority of the time dp is not home in time to do it so I either a) do it myself like a normal fucking parent or b) make ds wait up for dp to do it and then all have a terrible night because ds is an awful sleeper if he goes to bed over tired, but that's ok because at least dp is doing half the childcare

I mean seriously what kind of fucking idiot would do that just so that dp was doing half the bedtimes? really?

I wouldn't be happy about it no, but then dss lives with us and sees his mum every Friday night and Saturday and drops him off at 8pm so we all get a full day with him every weekend. works perfectly fine for us and everyones happy.

don't see why they couldn't do that tbh? maybe occasionally swap so one gets a full weekend one week if they have something planned, and then the other has a full weekend the week after and then they go back to one day each.

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:33

how is he being awkward?

SHE WOULD BE IN BED. yes, if ex agreed to a later bed time once a week, great, but will she? we don't know!

and how can you assume hes said no because its not "fun enough" - do you know him personally?

LeighaJ · 22/06/2018 12:33

It seems fair for them each to get a full weekend BUT...

"Obviously if I'm going out on the weekends she's with me then I'll still need you to have her so that will be your extra time then. You need to have her then still."

That's an incredibly twatty text, as if she's doing him a favour, when it's the other way around.

He needs to get a court order so she can't be spiteful and change it to zero contact in case he can't watch her one weekend when ex wants to go out partying.

Mumofaskinnyone · 22/06/2018 12:39

It doesn't sound fair that dsd's mum wants to have her eow and then expect you+dh to rearrange other weekends to suit her because she decides she wants to go out.

I agree that eow weekend is fair though, little kids after school are grumpy and tired and if dsd is with you every weekend her mum will never spend any nice relaxed time with her.

I think you need to find a way to make midweek work. Maybe your dh could go straight there from work to arrive at 6.30 so he can do bathtime and stories if exwife is willing for him to be in the house.

Flowerpotbicycle · 22/06/2018 12:44

Ok Flamingo let’s put it in terms you’ll understand.
After doing everything all week would you then be ok with DP taking the kids away on his own every weekend? Meaning you’d never see them at the weekend?
That is basically what OP’s DP thinks is fair.
It clearly isn’t, so EOW is the reasonable option

flamingofridays · 22/06/2018 12:58

flower

can you not read? I said no, I offered an alternative. you chose to ignore that.

why can they not have sat - one parent, sun - other, and swap each week if they want?

PrettyLovely · 22/06/2018 12:58

I think in this case it often matters who moved away, Of your partner moved away its something you have to deal with like putting the dsd in breakfast club a day in the week, If its the mother who moved away she should be doing her upmost in making sure your dh and their child have a good amount of contact.
Dsd isnt the exwifes property to give out as and when she pleases.

blackteasplease · 22/06/2018 13:19

I agree the going out bit is unreasonable . Plus the word obviously on a contentious proposition is annoying!

DuchyDuke · 22/06/2018 13:36

The resident parent gets all the parenting stuff and then no quality ‘fun’ weekend time. That’s not fair. If your DP can’t manage to travel 30mins a few evenings per week after work then he isn’t a fit parent.

cadburyegg · 22/06/2018 13:53

I think she is being a bit cheeky in saying DH can have her if she has social plans her weekend, but otherwise no. If she has social plans she should organise them for the weekend that she doesn’t have her daughter.

But other than that no, I don’t think she is being unreasonable. Things are bound to change now she is starting school.

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