Changing access for dsd

[advice121]

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

@advice121 that's a weird over reaction. I'm a very nice person and not vile at all. Sorry if it touched a nerve.

Storming off about a perfectly reasonable request isn't normal at all. Whether it is the reason they split or not doesn't really matter.

OP I think it's entirely fair that both parents get equal weekend time. It would be totally unfair for her to only have one Sunday a fortnight with her mother.

You surely knew this was coming? I do feel it's on your DH to put himself out to find a way to see her midweek, or just put up with EOW.

He should agree what happens for each holiday with his ex now so it's finalised before school starts.

@blackteasplease why assume she left him?! My dh has been through absolute hell with this woman

Let's just leave the post. I've said I agree with her! But I don't blame my dh for being upset about losing time with his daughter. He cannot change his work hours, simple as. Ex knows this.

Half an hour isn't too much of a distance to try to organise mid week contact. Her mum shouldn't have to go without weekend time with her child just because it doesn't suit your DP's job or your household to arrange time to see her in the week.

O goodness its so hard. I think it was unfair of her just to tell him with out his input. My children sound around the same age, their father lives an hour away. We have a court order, he has them eow Friday collect from school till Monday. Then one night during the week for tea. He has half the school holidays too, i dont know what he things of it all as hes not a nice person. But its the best solution for the children and also means we dont have to meet very often due to the collection and drop off at school. As there is a real of emotional damage for the children as his behaviour anywhere near me is terrible. This prevents them being a part of it, and reduces the stress for me. So works well (if he keeps to it!!) Its a new order so we will see. Got to mediation and get a more formal arrangement drawn up.

Both parents should get a full weekend. That your DH works certain hours are neither here nor there. He needs to manage himself so he can spend time with his child. All things being equal he should actually be dealing with half of the pick up and drop offs, so he is obviously happy to outsource half of the grunt work of parenting to her. She is the one who has to make all of the sacrifices in her career and lifestyle to do what he is not willing to do.

Half an hour is nothing. He needs to stop using that as an excuse to check out of his parenting responsibilities.

Look it doesn't matter. I don't want to upset you but all I'm saying is that storming out isn't reasonable. You have very quickly.accepted that she is reasonable over weekends. Whereas he stormed out (which presumably affected you and whoever else lives with you) rather than giving it proper thought.

He is NBU to be upset but he is BU not to want to attempt to change his working pattern to accommodate access during the week. He needs to sacrifice here, and 30 minutes really isn't a commute.

He cannot refuses to change his work hours, simple as.

Fixed that for you.

I think collecting every Friday after school and dropping back Sunday morning would be hugely unfair. Mum gets no nights dsd is allowed to stay up late, only the boring school nights.

Thing is, women are expected to make these sorts of work adjustments all the time when they become parents. He will have to make it work somehow.

It's worth bearing in mind that the difficulty will be a short lived one - as she gets older, her bedtimes will be later and he can see her more in the week.

He doesn't want to change his work hours.
His daughters mum cannot work the hours he does as she has to parent their child, while he has her when it suits him (though not if the half hour drive is too inconvenient) and then moans about not having 'enough' of the fun time even though he's not prepared to make adjustments or sacrifices to his lifestyle in order to actually do some parenting.

I think the fact that your own children do EOW but you still think DSD shouldn't have to is just bonkers!

If you were to have DSD half the holidays who will be looking after her, presumably not her Dad?

Could he go for dinner on the weekends she's with her mum if they aren't going out?

Don't kids finish earlier on Fridays now? Would the mum consider you collecting her after school on a Friday and drop her off home Saturday morning on the weekends you don't have her?

The mum is totally being fair. However I think your h is being hair to want school holidays to be more clearly defined too. There's 13 weeks of school holidays a year. Can he get the time off from his inflexible job to cover 6.5 weeks? (Imo the inflexible comment is fair considering the number of mums who give in flexible working requests or go part-time to accommodate kids)

'I am so pleased that you have raised this as clearly practically she will need to be close to school during the week. It would be good to have a clear formal agreement goung forwards. I would like to make sure though particularly with the baby coming that dd spends quality time with us. I was going to suggest a week at Christmas, a week at Easter, three weeks in the summer and half of each half term - or alternate half terms. Having a clear plan will hopefully alleviate some of the uncertainty for you in terms of holiday childcare now you will be going back to work. Clearly with appropriate notice I will be happy to be flexible around family occasions. If she has any party invitations on my weekend please pass them on as I am keen for her to attend wherever possible. Best wishes, DH'

If you are on maternity leave would you be able to facilitate him seeing dsd? If either dsd or your children were in after school club you could collect them all (one lot at 3.30, one at 4 ish from after school club) and take them to your home. Then your dh could come straight home and have dinner and bedtime with her and drop her back with her mum early the next morning. I know it’s a bit of a hassle but it’s not impossible. By the time you are back at work dsd will be a little older and perhaps able to stay up a bit later.

I think some of the previous posters are being unfair on this Dad. How would you all like to find out you are only going to see your child for 2 days out of 14?. If he wasn't upset at the prospect of going 12 days without seeing his DD I'd question what sort of parent he was. He has only just found out so maybe just needs some time to get his head around the idea and think of other solutions.
If he can't change his working hours for midweek contact could he perhaps see her on the Friday night of the mums weekend, when she could stay up a little later? Take her out for dinner or go to her mums house to spend some time with her and put her to bed.
Hope you can get something sorted that works for both parents and DSD

Shouldwestayorshouldwego she is close to school though, op said they only live half an hour away.
If hes not even prepared to visit her for one bed time a week I doubt he'll be willing to arrange things so he's available for 6 and a half weeks to look after her like you've suggested there.
It sounds more like a 'poor me the mean ex who does all the parenting won't let me have everything my way' situation.

How would you all like to find out you are only going to see your child for 2 days out of 14?.

He's not being told he can only see his daughter 2 days out of 14. It does mean that as she gets older he needs to put in some actual effort in parenting to be able to see her more frequently. There is no indication that the girl's mother has any issue with the father coming up for dinner midweek or even having some midweek overnights. It is solely on the father that he sees his work as more important than his child. It's 30 minutes. Most people travel a lot further than that each day for work. He could go up a couple of times per week, have dinner, put her into bed, and come home, and still be back home by 8:00pm. That hardly seems like too much effort to go to for your child.

He could request an early finish one day a week. Collect her from school, take her out for tea halfway between school & home, then drop her home at bedtime.

OR could he ask if she can stay up later on Fridays so on his non contact weekend he pops round to see her for an hour or two?

It seems that both you & his ex wife are doing the running around here whilst he strops & refuses to make perfectly reasonable adjustments to his own routine.

Agree you should get something in writing re holidays. With at least 4dc between the 3 of you (your dc, dsd, new baby), & your dc's father in the mix, family holidays will only get more complicated as time goes on - especially if either of your exes also go on to have more dc with someone else.

You need to get it all agreed or there will just be endless bickering between the adults.

Just out of curiosity, how come your dc sees their dad EOW and not every weekend/during the week? Not trying to cause a drama, just wanting to know why this solution was decided when it came to your DC. Obviously circumstances will be different in each time split but if it can work for you then it should work for your DP.
Sadly, someone will always miss out when there are split families.

Also, why is there a 30 min drive between DP and ex wife? Who was the one to move from the place they originally had together to make a 30min distance?

If you drive, can you put your DSD in Breakfast Club? They usually start at 8 a.m., so if you have all the DC in the car, you could drop DSD at her school at 8 then drop your DC at their school after that? It may mean an earlier start in the morning, but still doable?
This ^^ Surely it's the obvious solution? Granted it's not DH putting in the effort but if he genuinely can't (though I can't see why he can't accept the offer of going over for tea midweek) then surely OP can step up to facilitate?

Also, if he is adamant that work hours are completely inflexible, that means he will never be able to attend school productions, sports day, meeting teachers other than at consultation evenings. I was in this position for years (teacher) & it's crap & to be avoided if possible.

Whether you are the RP or not, dc starting school is a game changer.

Your DH needs to be thinking about the whole picture, not just losing two weekends a month because his ex quite reasonably wants to see something of her dd in term time!