Changing access for dsd

[advice121]

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

@blackteasplease he has every right to be upset. How would you feel if you were told not you would be spending less time with your child?

She hasn't had the decency to have a conversation with him. Not even a phone call. Just a text to say 'this is happening, deal with it'. It also said 'she's my daughter, what I say goes'

That is not equal parenting! She should of approached it totally differently. He is and always has been an equal parent, even when he didn't even know if this child was his or not. He shouldn't be told anything. It should be a civil conversation between them both.

So after receiving that text then yes he has every right to be angry!

@RunningBean ffs he can't change his work hours! It's in his contract, everyone does the same. He has to be there at certain times of the day. What else can I say there??? He can't change it.

Anyway it just gets better as dh has a since received yet another text from her saying the following:

Obviously if I'm going out on the weekends she's with me then I'll still need you to have her so that will be your extra time then. You need to have her then still.

So yeah...as I've said previously more than once, I understand her point of view. I just don't agree with her way of dictating what's happening.

How is he an equal parent when he's not doing equal parenting?
If he 'has to be there' hours that are preventing him from parenting his child then he needs to look for another job.

Why are you still complaining, shes said you can have her extra some of her weekends which is what you wanted but you still aren't happy. Geeze no wonder shes chosen to text rather than having a phone conversation with either of you.

@Nikephorus my child has special needs so putting him in breakfast club is not an option. This is not an excuse. He cannot do any breakfast clubs/after school clubs what so ever. The situation with my son is pretty heart breaking so no judgement needed. He cannot be put in any social setting without 1:1 supervision which breakfast club/after school cannot facilitate.

My youngest son already does breakfast club but my eldest cannot

I'm sure one night every other week the little one can go to bed an hour later so your partner can see her.

He can change his job though, and people have changed their contracted hours before.

Just depends what's important to him... and AGAIN, I have to say that women do this all the time - you are doing more mundane parenting of his daughter in terms of pickups than he is!

I agree with RunningBean - when he puts his life and career on hold for her sake, then he'll be an equal parent.

OP he's not being an equal parent if he doesn't do 50% of the parenting.

Your DH can't change his work hours. Neither can mine as he is contracted to do shift work including weekends. That's fine, but what the NRP has to understand is that the RP has to choose a job that fits around the child. Me for example, because my ex works shifts and cannot change this, I have had to take a job in school hours as I'm the only one that can do pick ups/drop offs. You have to understand that your DH has had the luxury of choice to do a job he wants without worrying about childcare. His ex partner doesn't have that luxury.

My exh wouldn't dream of saying that he does the same amount of parenting as me and he pays me more in maintenance than he is legally required to so that I can work part time and do the majority of childcare as his career doesn't have a lot of flexibility like mine does.

That is not equal parenting!

She is the one dealing with all the day to day shit so it’s not equal parenting anyway.

There is no way to make everyone happy in this kind of situation where both parents do not live in the same area/same distance from school. It only gets worse as they get older too and have more time commitments.

Can your dsd do before and after school club? That would allow you to drop her off earlier/collect her later so you don’t need to put ds1 in.

What’s with the hostility to the op, her partner is trying to be a good father and see his daughter more.

Have none of you ever worked in a job with contracted hours? There are many jobs out there where you can't just change the contracted hours, have flexible working etc. Getting a new job isn't easy and maybe as his work is with disabled people then the hours in any similar job may be the same. OP people are being harsh on you here. Once he has got his head around it a bit more I suggest he sits down with his ex and tries to work something out for midweek or a Friday even if it's just putting her to bed. Look into breakfast clubs for his dd etc. And definitely discuss the school holidays.

Some nasty responses here. I suspect that many of those commenting on how he is not an equal parent and should just change his work hours either don't have a job themselves or are spectacularly lacking in empathy. With many jobs you simply cannot change your hours. As in impossible. You have a legal right to request it but your employer does not have to grant it. That's the end of the story. How is he a bad parent for working a job with fixed hours? He works with disabled people- of course it is important that he is there at fixed times of the day.

Parenting is not about number of hours put in. It's quite disgusting implying that he is not an equal parent because his contact time does not add up to 50%. Children are not chattels- they need a solid home base. It's obviously not feasible for him to have her 50% of the time but that in no way means that he is a bad parent or that the mum can unilaterally change the agreement they have. They both need to have input. If it went to court, comments like 'she's my daughter, end of' would make the judge take a dim view of this mum.

To the OP, I do hope something can be worked out and like others have said, it is likely that some of these issues will be resolved relatively soon anyway if the girl is gradually able to have later bed times. But it does seem sensible to get the holiday arrangements fixed now to ensure more equality.

He's not though northern he's wanting to take all the quality time and none of the difficult bits. And an equal parent would have had to adjust working hours already.

Yes, in an ideal world she might have phrased it a bit differently. We as pps don't know all the ins and outs, which I'm sure you will tell me js your point and why others are wrong. However, at the same time she is suggesting something veey standard and fair so there's an argument sh e shouldn't have to pussy foot. I'd say judge it on the content of what she's saying. Also, no harm in him being the bigger, more reasonable person.

@Nikephorus my child has special needs so putting him in breakfast club is not an option
Not your child doing breakfast club, DSD.

@advice121 it sounds like no matter what mum says or does is going to be wrong.

I totally agree with her having the child one weekend and dad having her the other. While she's at school mum doesn't get to spend quality time with her - mad rush before school and tired child after.

As for the fixed working hours, I understand. But, he has to make effort to see his child.
If he finishes at 6 and Dd lives half an hour away, he can get there to put her to bed.
There is always a way around things and I'm saying this as a parent who used to work fixed hours with no flexibility.

Firstly he is not an equal parent because he doesn’t do an equal amount of parenting.
Secondly to everyone saying he could pop round every other Friday to mum’s to spend time with DD... so it eats into mum’s down time with DD? Also maybe she doesn’t want him in her home putting DD to bed? I certainly wouldn’t want my ex coming into my home for a few hours and putting our DS to bed etc, we don’t get on always and I would find that a massive invasion of privacy.
Would dad and OP be happy with the ExW hanging out at their house and doing bed time routines? I seriously doubt it.

The only option your DP has is to request flexible working one day a week so he can see her OR move closer. He must have known this was coming with her starting school and mum isn’t being unreasonable at all imho.

Is there anyone else that could pick her up?
My ex has DS on a Wednesday but his parents collect him, he goes for dinner at their house and does the bedtime routine. DS stays at grandparents and they take him to school the next morning.
Is this sort of arrangement an option?

Oh I work full time so I know it's a juggle.

He’s not unreasonable to be gutted, she’s not unreasonable to want to spend some time with her daughter. You’ll know from your own kids that after school time - especially when they first start - is rarely quality fun time!

Doesn’t sound like a particularly amicable relationship though. I think he needs to be clear he won’t be on call for the weekends he doesn’t normally have her, that’s not fair on anyone. If she wants a weekend off then it needs to be booked in advance or she gets a babysitter.

Yes another full time worker with contracted hours 🙋🏼‍♀️
However I picked a job close to my DC’s schools and that works for my family... taking a hit to my pay in the process. That’s what RP’s usually have to do

I agree with fixing the holidays to something more structured and more like 50:50 hols (give or take).

I would also be warey of any plan that involves the OP herself taking on extra, rather than her partner, as this doesn't help his time with his dd and she is about to have a baby.

I have to say its him shutting down the options during the week - personally I think EOW and one to two nights in the week is fair. Its not his ex's fault he cant do it

What isnt fair is expecting the other parent to lose all of the weekend time which in effect is what he is asking - HE is being unreasonable

As fro splitting the weekend - that is unfair on the daughter to spend the entire weekend coming and going - she should alternate it for her sake.

he is not an equal parent

He is an equal parent but he does not do an equal amount of parenting. That’s not a criticism, it’s true of many parents that one does more actual parenting than the other.

I’m in agreement with everyone else eow is perfectly fair so the dm has quality time that will no longer be available during the week. Part of midweek contact is that you are able to collect and drop off at school if your dh is unable to do that then she needs to be with her mother who no doubt has to make work arrangements so she’s available to drop off and collect her dd.

@Flowerpotbicycle exactly that.

RPs are expected to be flexible around everything, give up decent job opportunities/more hours/more money.. while the NRP doesn't make any sort of adjustment but still finds it appropriate to throw a strop when things aren't going their way.

If he isn't prepared to even ask for an adjustment to his hours then he can't spit his dummy out branding mum as unreasonable.

You posted before about dh and him not being useful in terms of his dad expecting you to collect whilst his working and the unbalance in the household and his lack of sympathy to your pregnancy. I think you have some dh problems op

Oh I work full time so I know it's a juggle

So why the hell are you incapable of grasping that some jobs have fixed hours? What if someone told you you were a bad parent for working full time and not being with your kids 24/7? Would you like that?