So last night me and DP went out, had a great time, spending time with old friends and making some new ones.
At 1am we decide to get a kebab, do its me, my DP, my mate and a new guy we met along the way.
We get the kebab and start walking home to mine, passing by the bar we'd spent the night in along the way. DP says in my ear that he's just going to "sort something out" with this new friend we'd acquired, which I know is about getting some weed.
PLEASE NOTE: no issue with weed, I repeat, this is not anout the weed.
OK fair enough.
So me and my mate put our bag of kebab stuff down on the bars outside table and chat while waiting for him. Some annoying drunk guy came to chat shit to us.
After about 20 minutes of this, I'm thinking "WTF is DP doing?"
So i go into the bar, he's not there, toilets he's not there.
So I go back to my mate and I'm like "right come on, lets go". As we head off we see DP coming towards us. Me and DP say goodbye to my mate and start walking home.
I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat.
Anyway it only lasts about 3 minutes, before I'm like "hey I'm sorry about that, it wasnt fair".
I guess the problem is having had a weird and neglectful childhood and teenage years I then went on to go out with some not great guys - including one guy who was particularly traumatic and who used to just leave me stranded in the middle of a night out. Including once leaving me to go and fuck someone else 
So as a result, it only happens with alcohol amd DP has said I've made loads of progress and change which i feel good about, but as a result sometimes when I've had one too many drinks its like temporarily I feel like a child again, with the reactions of a child, you know? I feel panicked and abandoned and unimportant and angry for a second. Its like the feeling is beyond my control. Even though as i say ive got much better.
DP said it was lucky i was actually self aware enough to talk about it because otherwise he wouldnt be with me as it isnt fair, it makes him feel like shit when hes done nothing wrong.
Id say this happens maybe once every 2 months.
Can anyone relate?
I feel like shit and really guilty. Im also angry because we had had such a good night and i ruined with 3 minutes. I dont know why im posting. But i feel like a monster when i become like that.