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AIBU?

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Original poster

I ruined the night

134 replies

MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:06

So last night me and DP went out, had a great time, spending time with old friends and making some new ones.
At 1am we decide to get a kebab, do its me, my DP, my mate and a new guy we met along the way.
We get the kebab and start walking home to mine, passing by the bar we'd spent the night in along the way. DP says in my ear that he's just going to "sort something out" with this new friend we'd acquired, which I know is about getting some weed.
PLEASE NOTE: no issue with weed, I repeat, this is not anout the weed.

OK fair enough.

So me and my mate put our bag of kebab stuff down on the bars outside table and chat while waiting for him. Some annoying drunk guy came to chat shit to us.

After about 20 minutes of this, I'm thinking "WTF is DP doing?"

So i go into the bar, he's not there, toilets he's not there.

So I go back to my mate and I'm like "right come on, lets go". As we head off we see DP coming towards us. Me and DP say goodbye to my mate and start walking home.

I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat.

Anyway it only lasts about 3 minutes, before I'm like "hey I'm sorry about that, it wasnt fair".

I guess the problem is having had a weird and neglectful childhood and teenage years I then went on to go out with some not great guys - including one guy who was particularly traumatic and who used to just leave me stranded in the middle of a night out. Including once leaving me to go and fuck someone else Confused

So as a result, it only happens with alcohol amd DP has said I've made loads of progress and change which i feel good about, but as a result sometimes when I've had one too many drinks its like temporarily I feel like a child again, with the reactions of a child, you know? I feel panicked and abandoned and unimportant and angry for a second. Its like the feeling is beyond my control. Even though as i say ive got much better.

DP said it was lucky i was actually self aware enough to talk about it because otherwise he wouldnt be with me as it isnt fair, it makes him feel like shit when hes done nothing wrong.

Id say this happens maybe once every 2 months.

Can anyone relate?

I feel like shit and really guilty. Im also angry because we had had such a good night and i ruined with 3 minutes. I dont know why im posting. But i feel like a monster when i become like that.

OP posts:
FriendlyOcelot · 22/06/2018 08:40

Can everyone stop laying an egg about the alcohol and weed? Plenty of adults smoke and drink. It’s not a big deal.

What is a big deal is the fact you were left for 20 minutes while your dp went off and Fannie’s about doing whatever he did. Year damn right he should be thinking ‘I’ve lefty girlfriend outside and only said I’d be a few minutes so I’d better hurry up’. What on Earth is wrong with that? It just common decency to be considerate. As for op having a go for a few mins... we’ll again plenty of people do that, I’d have a wings even while sober!

I think the real issue is that you have very low self esteem op due to PST relationships, and you are walking on eggshells around your dp. Your dp is taking advantage and milking your willingness to blame yourself. Yes gaslighting springs to mind. You need to work on your self esteem op and decide what is and is t acceptable behaviour to you, while also understanding what is normal and reasonable.

FriendlyOcelot · 22/06/2018 08:40

Fannied not Fannie’s Grin

FriendlyOcelot · 22/06/2018 08:41

Bloody autocorrect has a lot to answer for on that post!

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 08:42

Pandora, maybe op and her friend would have rather been heading home than hanging about on the street while he was off sorting whatever.

She could have just said that. When he said he was sorting something, she could have said 'ok we are setting off, catch me up

Sorry but I think the past has skewed both of your perspectives of acceptable and normal behaviour.

That doesn't make sense. Everyone's past skews your view. I would not expect my Dp to be my personal bodyguard all night. I am ok with that.

My Dp doesn't smoke weed. I wouldn't be happy with that. That's the Ops choice though.

Elkcuhc56 · 22/06/2018 08:43

You sound half your age.

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:44

@Ebony69
No he doesn't. Plus the use of the term "drug deal" makes him sound shady.

We are both very casual smokers, it was a bit of green that this guy wanted to GIVE us, not sell, because he was foreign and didnt really speak the language well amd had been at the bar alone. We kind of took him under our wing for the night and had him join our group then bought him a kebab, so this was him saying thank you I guess!

I guess there's only one solution here and thats to stop drinking because I'm not like this sober.

I'm also not like this after 3 or 4 drinks. Its like just one drink too many pushes me into a particular state. I think it would be better for me to just stop completely because I'm not the sort who would be able to stop after 3 or 4 when I'm in the moment and in good spirits.

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 22/06/2018 08:45

You really have to stop drinking. It turns you into an unpleasant person.

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 08:46

much more concerning than going to the cash point - he could be mugged, arrested etc.

She wasn't worried about his safety or if he had been arrested. Its her own feelings from her background that sets this off.

billybagpuss · 22/06/2018 08:48

I must admit the 20 minute disappearing act would annoy me too but as to the stopping drinking are there certain drinks that affect you more than others. DP can only tolerate a little bit of red wine before he either becomes a complete obnoxious idiot (only happened twice in 25 years) or is just not thinking straight. Unofficially adopted DS has a similar issue with beer. Consequently neither of them will have more than one glass of their particular toxic drink but can still enjoy a night out drinking other things.

Bearhunter09 · 22/06/2018 08:49

31? Really? The only advice is act your age not your shoe size. Stop taking a drug known to cause paranoia, stop drinking so much that it affects you in this way. Stop eating kebabs! Ditch the guy. Above all get some counselling to sort out all of the above.

TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 22/06/2018 08:50

Wait, your DP went back to some randomer’s house for free weed?

That seems monumentally fucking stupid.

Thissameearth · 22/06/2018 08:50

I think this is weird drama all round. You for handwringing, him for saying you’re getting better as a person and stressing him out etc. You were both pissed and it was late and he had been annoying it was obv going to take more than a few mins - a short drunken grizzling argument is really no big deal. Would you say generally you put him on a bit of a pedestal? It sounds that way. Just both chill out and stop psycho analysing a tired drunk annoyed argument in the wee hours. If you think you drink too much or feel unhappy with behaviour then absolutely attend to both. I drink much much much less than I used to and have been for therapy myself. But don’t tie it into being good enough for this saint of a man etc. No ones perfect and there’s a vague hint that he likes you doubting yourself, could be wrong. Nb I’m 34 with a baby and would be gah hope no one heard me fighting with my husband in the street but not bowing and scraping to apologise and neither would my husband just sheepish ugh what was that about.

Also I am lol-ing at the statement about soendung time with old friends and “making some new ones”. That sounds very quaint - to me in the past that meant talking shite to randoms whilst pissed and next day cringing with friends and asking who the fuck they were Grin

MmeButtox · 22/06/2018 08:51

I feel like the boyfriend is gaslighting you. If the state of the partnership is that you accept all emotional responsibility for any arguments due to your supposed "alcohol issues" that's a get out of jail free card to treat you however he likes and blame what might be a perfectly reasonable anger response on you. Only you can get to the bottom of this -have you always had temper issues when using alcohol or is this a new phenomenon (or possibly an idea planted in your head hy someone who doesn't sound like a prize catch himself) What have previous relationships been like?

Thissameearth · 22/06/2018 08:51

Don’t stop eating kebabs ^ never stop eating kebabs!! 😁

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:52

@FriendlyOcelot
"Your dp is taking advantage and milking your willingness to blame yourself."

Well I will admit that when I was teary and apologetic and in self loathing afterwards, he said "I mean in all fairness to you things are getting better and there are more women who would lose their shit over much less..." and I did have a small glimmer of "well I mean I know Im not perfectly rational and fair in my outbursts but Im also not insane and having them in a complete vacuum" if you get what I mean.

OP posts:
lovelypumpkin · 22/06/2018 08:53

I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat

I think in a nutshell, it is ok to be angry and upset, but personal attacks are not ok and a rant at someone is not ok. Anything starting with "you..." in your head is something you'd want to think about before you say it. If you had said "I am really annoyed you went off and took so long" that would be fine but beyond that it is best to keep calm, and not say anything until you have thought about it.

If you google you will find lots of info about managing your own emotions, taking responsibility for your emotions, managing anger and how to keep control in the moment. You also want to look at the underlying issues from the past and process the emotions you feel properly so that they don't affect your behaviour now. To start you off:

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/controlling-anger/

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:55

@Thissameearth
Yes, I agree abd admit as I say just above that the shadow of an idea of "get out of jail free card" passed through my drunken head even as I was handwringing.

OP posts:
MmeButtox · 22/06/2018 08:58

Regarding drinking in other relationships I mean (you've mentioned bad boyfriends) Do you argue with friends/family/randoms after a drink or just this guy?

Canshopwillshop · 22/06/2018 08:59

I would have been pissed off at what he did, with or without alcohol! You obviously know the other feelings excess alcohol triggers so maybe you need to be a bit more controlled in your drinking, not necessarily give up altogether.

Elizajulie · 22/06/2018 09:00

I am a 49 year old respectable mother of three. Good job, nice house...
I love a kebab and smoke weed to relax at the weekends....

Just saying!!!!

CloudCaptain · 22/06/2018 09:03

Boyfriend did nothing wrong (except go to get illegal drugs). You sound like you need to work on your personal self esteem and independant thought. You sound very dependant on him.
He didn't leave you alone, you were with a friend in a public bar.
If my dh had disappeared and not come back I may have been worried for his safety but not worried for myself.

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 09:03

@MmeButtox
No, I don't argue with anyone else. In fact I'd say I'm a happy drunk.

@Elizajulie
Good on ya! Sadly the kebab was cold by the time we got in! And I'd lost my appetite anyway...

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 09:05

@CloudCaptain
No, I'm not dependant on him, nor was I worried for myself. I was angry at having to hang around for so long. But you're right I need to work on myself.

OP posts:
MmeButtox · 22/06/2018 09:05

I'm worried because I've been somewhere similar (18, very naive) with a man who entertained himself by encouraging me to drink beyond my capacity (black sambuca shots etc) then behaved deliberately horribly (openly snogging other girls, telling people sexual details about me etc) and when I understandably would become hurt, upset & angry would blame my ready-made "drinking problem" rather than his cruel baiting.

Emmageddon · 22/06/2018 09:07

Why are you taking the blame for your DP disappearing on you? I would have reacted in exactly the same way if my husband went AWOL. It seems as if you are used to being the scapegoat - make it stop. Just because you had a crap childhood, doesn't mean you have to accept disrespectful behaviour from those you love.