I ruined the night

[MagicalMysteryTourer]

So last night me and DP went out, had a great time, spending time with old friends and making some new ones.
At 1am we decide to get a kebab, do its me, my DP, my mate and a new guy we met along the way.
We get the kebab and start walking home to mine, passing by the bar we'd spent the night in along the way. DP says in my ear that he's just going to "sort something out" with this new friend we'd acquired, which I know is about getting some weed.
PLEASE NOTE: no issue with weed, I repeat, this is not anout the weed.

OK fair enough.

So me and my mate put our bag of kebab stuff down on the bars outside table and chat while waiting for him. Some annoying drunk guy came to chat shit to us.

After about 20 minutes of this, I'm thinking "WTF is DP doing?"

So i go into the bar, he's not there, toilets he's not there.

So I go back to my mate and I'm like "right come on, lets go". As we head off we see DP coming towards us. Me and DP say goodbye to my mate and start walking home.

I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat.

Anyway it only lasts about 3 minutes, before I'm like "hey I'm sorry about that, it wasnt fair".

I guess the problem is having had a weird and neglectful childhood and teenage years I then went on to go out with some not great guys - including one guy who was particularly traumatic and who used to just leave me stranded in the middle of a night out. Including once leaving me to go and fuck someone else

So as a result, it only happens with alcohol amd DP has said I've made loads of progress and change which i feel good about, but as a result sometimes when I've had one too many drinks its like temporarily I feel like a child again, with the reactions of a child, you know? I feel panicked and abandoned and unimportant and angry for a second. Its like the feeling is beyond my control. Even though as i say ive got much better.

DP said it was lucky i was actually self aware enough to talk about it because otherwise he wouldnt be with me as it isnt fair, it makes him feel like shit when hes done nothing wrong.

Id say this happens maybe once every 2 months.

Can anyone relate?

I feel like shit and really guilty. Im also angry because we had had such a good night and i ruined with 3 minutes. I dont know why im posting. But i feel like a monster when i become like that.

Op you know yourself that one over the eight is not a good place for you...so it's a no brained really...don't drink so much when you go out. This will stop your self loathing and guilt when incidents like this happen again. If I was your friend in real life I would also say the same.

What don't make things up, she was not screaming abuse in his face!

you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird

This is what she said. It's not abuse and she didn't scream in his face. She didn't handle it well but she hardly abused him.

OP, I am not so sure it is your past issues that made you act this way. I would have been pissed off too. However, your lifestyle, going to wild house parties etc is not one I would like and I think you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of life you really want. Are you going along with it for your partner? Or do you genuinely enjoy all this?

Like most threads about relationships, if you take one 'incident' in isolation it may not look that bad, but when you dig a bit deeper it often becomes very clear that there is a lot more going on.

@Doyoumind
Well yeah! I mean in all fairness je was drunk too but when he came back he was being all kind of weird and passive aggressive looking when he could have just I dunno, kissed me and been like "hey im sprry that took so long, basically.....". You know what I mean? Not saying my reaction was right but you know.

Can't you do something else rather than drink and drugs?
I'm 23 and don't do that stuff. Got all of that out my system years ago and I've seen what alcohol does to people. Can't you find other ways to enjoy eachothers company if it causes conflict?
Instead of going on nights out / partying can't you meet your friends in a pub for a drink and call it a day before anything goes on and limit it to 1 drink if you have to. Spend more evenings in / do something else.
The money you spend on alcohol and drugs these days could give you some nice weekends away.

I would be pissed off if someone left me for a long period without telling me how long they were gonna be / where they are going else it would just be standing there like a Muppet.

If you don't feel as though you are getting on maybe you should find someone else that you trust

Ditch the booze and weed and grow the fuck up, both of you. And ffs don't have any children before you do.

House parties in squat like properties - you need to check your expectations of relationships. I don't know a single person who wouldn't dump someone who took them to a place like that

And this! The whole relationship just sounds toxic and OP, be careful that he isn't blaming your every reaction he doesn't like on your 'issues'.

It can be very easy for people to act shitty and then blame the other person. If you have a history of being with awful men, how do you know this one isn't the same? I would leave your boyfriend and work on your self so you don't keep ending up with these type of people. He is certainly no catch.

I gave up drinking a couple of years ago because of the part it made me play in unnecessary spats. You sound similar to me.

I think you had reason to react, but the alcohol made you over-react, and that was what seemed to happen with me. You were left for 20 minutes with an annoying drunk man, your dp does have form. But a sober you may have just stated the facts calmly, it was the pissed you that made you get whingy.
My DP can be annoying or irritating maybe, he wouldn't be blameless by any means, but when sober I can react in proportion and control it, I can be sensitive to the situation, after a few drinks I would take it up to the next level.

I haven't completely given up, I now drink only a glass of wine on maximum two nights a week but my tolerance is really low, so that is plenty. I don't miss it at all, it is just about getting into the habit long term.
As a result, on the incredibly rare occasion that I have more than a glass, I see the exact same things occurring all over again and I realise what a good decision it was to cut back.. It is just not worth it.

If you are alright drunk with friends, just stick to having more drink when with them.

I’m sorry but if H was leaving me alone for 20mins with idea of where he was, no idea of when he would be back I wouod
1- be extremely worried about him
2- then extremely angry at him for that behaviour. I WOULD be laying into him because his behaviour was crap.

Think about it that way and try reverse the roles.
You go away to the loo and don’t come back for 20+ mins.
You’ve just met someone and decided to carry in the discussion about >
Would your DP be happy to be waiting for you whilst food is getting cold and whilst it starts raining (and he is getting wet)?
I very much doubt so. So why is that you should put out with the annoying drunken guy, wait for his Majesty to make an appearance AND not be upset because that’s just you being needy and ‘feeling abandoned’.
When in reality he DID abandoned you (he left for a long time and didn’t tell you where he was).

And then he is trying to scared your in ‘behaving well’ by using threats (if you weren’t as aware - or if you didn’t stop so quickly and realise your wrong doings- they I would leave you).

Riiight.

The whole shifty 'I'm going to go sort something out' re weed (and probably the rest) is a real turn off for me and I'm glad I left that sort of thing behind years ago. I know some people who don't have a problem with it, but it's not for me.

But you know, with everything I had experienced before, that night really stung me - I thought fucking hell, is it going to be another relationship like that again?

Actually I’m really sorry but yes this is one of those relationship again.
He has no respect for you.

It’s very good to realise that maybe you could have reacted differently. But tbh, the issue here is more his attitude towards you (his comment when you came back shows he KNEW very well he should have. Plus he was clearly out of it too.... see the weed or maybe something else? that he is putting BEFORE you).
It’s not just a case of ‘I suppose he needs to work in himself too’. In this case, he needs a huge kick in the backside.

Be careful though that when you start telling he needs to pull his socks up, that he doesn’t come back either on attack (it’s all your fault because of your past/attitude etc...) or making you feel guilty (you make me so upset. What you are saying is hurting me, how can you do that??)

Do You work or have children?

Kababs and weed sounds real classy not!

people's responses are shocking.
-he left you to go and buy drugs --bad. I don't really have a problem with weed either but if someone left me to go and get drugs i'd be pissed off.

-he then convinced you that youre the one with the problem? The pp who said about gaslighting is right.

-I noticed that I'd get more aggressive when drinking sometimes and my head would be very confused, this was always worse though for arguments as I couldn't remember what was right or if i was being confused into thinking something. I realised it's when i drink wine. If i drink beer or spirits i'm totally fine. so maybe it could be that too?
I think it's learning to control your outbursts when drinking. you could say 'you are totally unfair and i am angry at you' and not say anything more until the morning?

I don't think 20 minutes is an especially long time to go and buy drugs, particularly as he left you a message.
In your position, I would stop drinking. If you don't have a handle on knowing your limits you're just going to be in this situation again and again.
If my boyfriend accused me of ruining his night because I was elsewhere (and I'd told him I was going) for 20 minutes, I'd feel completely smothered.

@pangolina
Yeah I know.

I'm reading all these comments and taking everything on board. I just feel like a horrible person right now and somewhat undeserving of him but I guess that's also partly being hungover.

I'd be really annoyed that my kebab was getting cold

I think you need to stop the self blame. Hanging around waiting for people to score is just boring.

I take it you’re not in work today. Spend the day looking for a counsellor increase your self esteem, work out how many drinks you can have/type of drink you’re ok with. At 31this is really not a sustainable way to live! It’s ok at 17, 21 it’s a bit questionable, 31 you need to adjust your life a bit

@Bearhunter09
Thanks, I'll do that. Also going to go to the gym and then maybe meditate, see if my mind clears a bit.

Do you work? Do you have any responsibilities? Did you call in sick today? Sorry for the assumptions but you haven't made this clear.

I also think if you feel undeserving of him you need to give your head a big wobble. My advice would be to be single for a while, lay off the booze, have some counselling for childhood traumas and once you feel stronger date men who make you feel good about yourself and treat you as an equal.

I just feel like a horrible person right now and somewhat undeserving of him but I guess that's also partly being hungover.

There's no need to beat yourself up like that. You do deserve a good relationship. Wether this is a good relationship is only something you can answer.

You need to tackle you insecurities regardless of the relationship for you own well being.

So he's fucked off to score drugs, but you're ok with that part? Really? Maybe you shouldn't be ok with this bit, given he's showing the drugs took priority over being with you. Especially when he knows you'll be concerned about abandonment issues.

If this happens regularly, then your boyfriend regularly goes off telling you he’s going to be five minutes, knowing from previous experience if he doesn’t stick to that you’ll kick off?

While I think your reaction probably isn’t too healthy (although I would be annoyed too) it clearly either doesn’t bother him enough to stop wasting your time, or he actually does it on purpose knowing he can then have it hanging over your head how unreasonable you are and what a saint he is to put up with you.

Maybe the solution is he says he going to be 30 minutes not five and you go home without waiting for him, thereby neither of you has to particularly change the dynamic of your night out?

Oh enough of the gaslighting rubbish. Nothing of the sort. OP Wasn’t alone at any point. She had a friend with her.

Some posters seem to read no further than the first line, see it’s an issue with a male and type their inaccurate response.

I did this, similar background too. Simply, I can't drink more than one or two on nights out with OH anymore

I think kebabs are getting a bad rap on here. I had one last night completely sober: chicken breast and salad.

Nowt seedy bout that.

As for the rest sounds like you're a match made in heaven OP.