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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I ruined the night

134 replies

MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:06

So last night me and DP went out, had a great time, spending time with old friends and making some new ones.
At 1am we decide to get a kebab, do its me, my DP, my mate and a new guy we met along the way.
We get the kebab and start walking home to mine, passing by the bar we'd spent the night in along the way. DP says in my ear that he's just going to "sort something out" with this new friend we'd acquired, which I know is about getting some weed.
PLEASE NOTE: no issue with weed, I repeat, this is not anout the weed.

OK fair enough.

So me and my mate put our bag of kebab stuff down on the bars outside table and chat while waiting for him. Some annoying drunk guy came to chat shit to us.

After about 20 minutes of this, I'm thinking "WTF is DP doing?"

So i go into the bar, he's not there, toilets he's not there.

So I go back to my mate and I'm like "right come on, lets go". As we head off we see DP coming towards us. Me and DP say goodbye to my mate and start walking home.

I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat.

Anyway it only lasts about 3 minutes, before I'm like "hey I'm sorry about that, it wasnt fair".

I guess the problem is having had a weird and neglectful childhood and teenage years I then went on to go out with some not great guys - including one guy who was particularly traumatic and who used to just leave me stranded in the middle of a night out. Including once leaving me to go and fuck someone else Confused

So as a result, it only happens with alcohol amd DP has said I've made loads of progress and change which i feel good about, but as a result sometimes when I've had one too many drinks its like temporarily I feel like a child again, with the reactions of a child, you know? I feel panicked and abandoned and unimportant and angry for a second. Its like the feeling is beyond my control. Even though as i say ive got much better.

DP said it was lucky i was actually self aware enough to talk about it because otherwise he wouldnt be with me as it isnt fair, it makes him feel like shit when hes done nothing wrong.

Id say this happens maybe once every 2 months.

Can anyone relate?

I feel like shit and really guilty. Im also angry because we had had such a good night and i ruined with 3 minutes. I dont know why im posting. But i feel like a monster when i become like that.

OP posts:
calzone · 22/06/2018 08:22

31??? 😱

You sound about 19. And very immature.

Top tips......

Don’t have kids.....until you have ditched the weed.
Stop drinking so much especially on school nights.
Grow up.

OliviaBenson · 22/06/2018 08:23

What??? He left you for 20 mins late at night, you were right to call him on it.

This relationship doesn't sound great.

Laiste · 22/06/2018 08:23

OK, well, this kind of situation is obviously something you're used to. At the moment? All your life? I don't want to sound patronising - i went through a bit of regression in my mid 30s and hung around with some prats colourful characters for a year or two.

The thing is all the while i could see it all for what it was - immature and shite. It was a stage i got through and out the other side and now wouldn't put myself through all that crap again for all the tea in china!

Flowers
MissP103 · 22/06/2018 08:24

Op as much as you think you have a handle on yourself you really , really don't. You sound incredibly immature. On a night out your Dp just stops to get some drugs and you're just ok with that. Yourll picked up some random guy along the way. Dp leaves you there for a while doing who knows what. And you still cant see the problems in this whole situation. I was hoping you'd say you are just a teen. Drinking would be the first thing to stop.

Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2018 08:26

I don’t really see the issue, I would have reacted the same as you, I hate waiting for people when they say ‘only be a few minutes’ and they are gone for ages. Yes the alcohol probably made your emotions stronger and made you more pissed off. As long as your not going out getting pissed every weekend I don’t see the problem.

I’m not a fan of drugs but am all to aware that many people do it and it’s pretty easy to get hold of most things on a night out. Up to you if you want to be involved with it on a night out.

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 08:28

I can't believe people think leaving your dp for a whole 20 minutes, with a friend is justification for the I'm shouting and having a go.

This is happening to the point the Dp is panicking when things take too long. It doesn't matter where he went. The op has no issue with him smoking weed, he told her what he was doing. It just took a bit longer.

If a woman was panicking that she left her Dp with a friend and what she was doing was taking a bit longer than expected and she knew he was going to shout at her, people would say it's abusive and she shouldn't have to feel that way.

Luckily the OP recognises her behaviour is unhealthy and wants to change it.

GloGirl · 22/06/2018 08:29

Sorry I have to agree with @mzmum78 and @Littleredboat

He abandoned you to do a drug deal, then told you it was your fault for complaining and you need to reduce drinking to improve your relationship. Not that he needs to reduce his drug taking.

And yes, stop hanging around like this.

ShadowHuntress · 22/06/2018 08:31

I think you need to grow up and stop drinking. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you come across as a teenager. You’re too old for this. It’s good that you recognise your behaviour is wrong. Now it’s time to do something about it

Sevendown · 22/06/2018 08:31

Most women would be rightly pissed off if they were abandoned on a night out.

He’s a dick.

That’s before we even get to the drugs which are going to mess with his head btw.

He is gaslighting you.

Ltb

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:31

@Pandora79

Yes that's the truth of it.

OP posts:
GloGirl · 22/06/2018 08:31

Pandora, it's not DH dashing out to WH Smith whilst you're all sat in Costa Coffee and he gets held up at the till.

It's late night city centre, outside, with drunks and no phone. And she was being harassed by a drunk. And he was off doing something illegal. It's grim.

Mrsmadevans · 22/06/2018 08:32

I don't think you drank enough tbh more Wine

MadMags · 22/06/2018 08:32

The pair of you need to grow up.

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 08:33

To clear op I am not having a go. I think it's great that you recognise it's not healthy, for you or the relationship.

He may be a dick as well. I don't know. But in the long run you will be happier resolving the issues.

LiteraryDevil1 · 22/06/2018 08:34

Jeez. Both of you need to grow up and stop doing drugs and alcohol. You sound like teenagers.

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:35

@PoliticalBiscuit
Sure, but I knew what he was off to do, I was with a friend, and am more than capable of looking after myself if you know what I mean. Basically I'm not a delicate shrinking violet, we were at the bar we'd been at all night, low key place, it was annoying but there was nothing threatening about the place just an annoying drunk guy who actually made things worse as he was so irritating he was making me watch the clock when otherwise i might not have.

OP posts:
WakeUpFromYourDreamAndScream · 22/06/2018 08:35

The whole story made me cringe. You both sound about 17. Time to grow up

Original poster
MagicalMysteryTourer · 22/06/2018 08:35

Thank you @Pandora79 and no, he isn't a dick.

OP posts:
LIZS · 22/06/2018 08:36

Pandora, maybe op and her friend would have rather been heading home than hanging about on the street while he was off sorting whatever. Sorry but I think the past has skewed both of your perspectives of acceptable and normal behaviour.

Ebony69 · 22/06/2018 08:37

But those focussing on the drugs deal miss the point. Firstly, he didn’t abandon her. He sent her a message about being delayed but she didn’t have her phone on her. From what OP states, this is a just the latest example of her losing her temper with him. The OP has been able to identify this pattern and her DP has acknowledged that she has been improving in her responses. I really don’t think he deserves the vilification that he’s receiving on here.

Satayyoustay · 22/06/2018 08:37

.

Pandora79 · 22/06/2018 08:38

It's late night city centre, outside, with drunks and no phone. And she was being harassed by a drunk. And he was off doing something illegal. It's grim.

She doesn't care if it's illegal. So that's not the problem. If she is ok with it, that's up to her. I wouldn't be happy with it, but that's up to her. She knew what he was doing and didn't mind that.

He didn't know a drunk was chatting to her. She wasn't alone.

I can't imagine expecting dp to stick to my side all night in case a drunk talked to me and my friend.

greendale17 · 22/06/2018 08:39

but I knew what he was off to do, I was with a friend, and am more than capable of looking after myself if you know what I mean.

^This. Don’t know why the boyfriend is getting slated.

Tara336 · 22/06/2018 08:40

Personally i wouldn’t want to be with anyone who smokes weed it stinks and always seems a bit seedy

GloGirl · 22/06/2018 08:40

She might not care it's illegal but when there's a delay doing something illegal it's much more concerning than going to the cash point - he could be mugged, arrested etc.