I ruined the night

[MagicalMysteryTourer]

So last night me and DP went out, had a great time, spending time with old friends and making some new ones.
At 1am we decide to get a kebab, do its me, my DP, my mate and a new guy we met along the way.
We get the kebab and start walking home to mine, passing by the bar we'd spent the night in along the way. DP says in my ear that he's just going to "sort something out" with this new friend we'd acquired, which I know is about getting some weed.
PLEASE NOTE: no issue with weed, I repeat, this is not anout the weed.

OK fair enough.

So me and my mate put our bag of kebab stuff down on the bars outside table and chat while waiting for him. Some annoying drunk guy came to chat shit to us.

After about 20 minutes of this, I'm thinking "WTF is DP doing?"

So i go into the bar, he's not there, toilets he's not there.

So I go back to my mate and I'm like "right come on, lets go". As we head off we see DP coming towards us. Me and DP say goodbye to my mate and start walking home.

I'm basically laying into him, clearly the alcohol taking effect, I'm saying totally irrational stuff like "you've ruined my night", "why the hell did it take you so long?", "what the hell were you doing?" and accusing him of "taking something" and "being weird", basically being a brat.

Anyway it only lasts about 3 minutes, before I'm like "hey I'm sorry about that, it wasnt fair".

I guess the problem is having had a weird and neglectful childhood and teenage years I then went on to go out with some not great guys - including one guy who was particularly traumatic and who used to just leave me stranded in the middle of a night out. Including once leaving me to go and fuck someone else

So as a result, it only happens with alcohol amd DP has said I've made loads of progress and change which i feel good about, but as a result sometimes when I've had one too many drinks its like temporarily I feel like a child again, with the reactions of a child, you know? I feel panicked and abandoned and unimportant and angry for a second. Its like the feeling is beyond my control. Even though as i say ive got much better.

DP said it was lucky i was actually self aware enough to talk about it because otherwise he wouldnt be with me as it isnt fair, it makes him feel like shit when hes done nothing wrong.

Id say this happens maybe once every 2 months.

Can anyone relate?

I feel like shit and really guilty. Im also angry because we had had such a good night and i ruined with 3 minutes. I dont know why im posting. But i feel like a monster when i become like that.

You said there's a point during drinking when you 'turn'.
You've got a choice really, either be grown up enough to stop drinking to excess & realise drinking after that point us not fun & harmful to you (feeling bad, embarrassed next day); or stop drinking altogether.

I'd be annoyed with my DH if he pissed off for 20 minutes with a randomer when I was ready to go home, but your reaction sounds excessive.

I can't comment whether your DH is using your issues in a controlling way, but it's certainly worth keeping a watchful eye on - you seem more than capable of spotting patterns in your own behaviour, be aware of his too.

If you are fine re:alcohol in all other relationships/settings please take a long hard look at this man and if he's a good match for you. I don't think all the blame falls on your shoulders.

I can’t believe you’re 31. This sounds like the actions of an immature 19 year old

Fuck my old boots, in your 30s, dating a stoner who leaves for 20 mins to score weed off some drunken random, prone to drunken hysterics....

Its a walking public order incident!

Lol at the kebab pearl clutching. Yeah op don’t you know that once you hit 30 you should be tucked up with an electric blanket and a mug of cocoa before ten every night?

Your 31!

DH and I were a bit like this with alcohol when we were 21. We grew up and stopped drinking.

Yes you should both quit drinking and the weed. And if you struggle with either then go to a support group - Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous.

I also think this is gaslighting.

The issues in your past make you react badly to things but your new awareness has turned you into someone who can't tell what is and isn't acceptable because you want to show how reasonable and mature you now are. You don't know what a healthy relationship is. He's playing you. He knows your vulnerabilities and turns things round on you. No way should he have disappeared for 20 minutes. That isn't right.

It also sounds like you aren't great when you drink.

Stop drinking and get rid of your boyfriend.

Hi MagicalMysteryTourer I'm just going to jump straight in and ask have you had any counselling yet, regarding your past and you might want consider CBT to help you cope a little better. Rightly so you became anxious and that places a person under a great amount of stress, I suppose you could consider it an anxiety attack when you react in that way. Sufferers usually experience the urge to fight or flight, doesn't seem unusual at all considering your past experiences. It's great that you can communicate well with this partner but it is always worth remembering to try and hold back (this is where cbt is useful) from the personal attacks....unless of course they're justified, which in this case I'm sure most partners would be feeling a similar way if they're other half 'vanished' on them (considering time of night, your location etc)
Sorry if I've misunderstood but is it correct that you only feel this way when you drink?
If so I would think you've probably spend a lot of time convincing yourself that you got over your past and alcohol doing what it does, is forcing you to face up to it all.

I think maybe I need to have a conversation with him.
It is about my past and it is about the alcohol.

But its also....he has form for kind of sloping off when we go to parties and things that he's been invited to (I mean when Im the plus one). Not disappearing completely but just sort of leaving me to my own devices. I actually talked to him about this and he madr more of an effort not to do that so I guess its good we are both willing to work on ourselves.

But there was one time I didnt tell.him about that really bothered me, actually it hurt me and took me right back.
It was just when we first got together, maybe a month in. He took me to this house party that was pretty rough and ready, it was almost squat like, and it was the home of this bar woman who opened her house up once the bar closed. So it was a really quite wild atmosphere and he basically just disappeared off into the kitchen which is where all the "alpha males" were holding court, it was a weird vibe and we'd only been going out a month so I didnt feel confident enough to go in and find him. Anyway he went in there for like 3 or 4 hours and when he came out (i was in the front room, im chatty and quite outgoing so had made some connections with people for the night), he was like "Hey! I forgot you were here!" and kissed me.

But you know, with everything I had experienced before, that night really stung me - I thought fucking hell, is it going to be another relationship like that again?

So he never did anything like that again, but drifting away slightly as described above, and now even though he has also tried to adapt and it has worked, the truth is I have that knee jerk reaction: I'm just being left.

The thing is, when you know that you can react in a certain way, it's easy to always blame yourself for reacting in a certain way - which doesn't help when you're actually not in the wrong. Your reaction may have been a bit over the top (temporarily) but that doesn't mean you were wrong to voice it. It does sound like your dp is feeding this, when in fact he probably should take some responsibility too. Practice saying "I don't regret what I said, but I regret how I said it". Honestly op, all things considered this isn't a big deal. You were pissed off with him, you were entitled to let him know that. It's how relationships work. Don't continue to take a disproportionate amount of blame in your arguments, it's not healthy for either of you long term if you're to have a future.

You got drunk on a weekday night, met a stranger who offered you free drugs, DP went to said strangers house - alone - to get the drugs and took longer than expected, you had a loud and public tantrum at him when he came back.

1. Alcohol is never an excuse. If you can't control yourself when drinking it - stop drinking it.
2. Going to a strangers house when drunk is monumentally stupid, being lured there with free drugs even more so
3. 20 minutes is not a long time, longer than it should have been maybe, but only by about 5 mins. Grips needed here.
4. Blaming abusive behaviour as an adult on childhood trauma is not on. Take some responsibility for yourself.
5. Your DP was not gaslighting you, MN has a tendency to try and twist everything to look like male domestic abuse. Only here would a woman "laying in" to her partner whilst wasted be the partners fault.

Agree with PPs that this is all shocking behaviour for adults in their 30s.

It sounds like you had a bratty strop for a few minutes and then apologised - I don't think that's the worst thing a drunk person has ever done.

That said, if drinking makes you behave in ways that you don't like and brings back traumatic past experiences - maybe you would be happier giving it up or having a break? It doesn't sound like it makes you feel good

You shouldn't have been left hanging around for so long. I'd have had a good old moan too.
How about you do a deal with him. You stick to the three or four drinks you can handle and he gives up buying weed. Neither of you should be acting like teenagers anymore. Time to enter the grown up world.

Oh sorry, missed the drip feed sob story. I'm out.

Your latest post confirms to me you feel to blame for everything and are too forgiving of your boyfriend. That behaviour is as much about your past as getting upset when he's not with you is.

The whole scene you're involved in sounds very boozy and druggy and edgy.
I'm not pointing fingers, that was my social and personal life too in my twenties and early thirties.
But it's a lot nicer not living that way. I dumped the guy who used to leave me alone half the night, take drugs etc and I'm much happier with someone considerate who has no time for that sort of crap.
Just have a think about it.

If this were a man screaming abuse into a woman's face, in a bar, in the middle of the night there'd be different responses

I wasn't screaming actually I was whinging.

Have you had counselling for your childhood issues? Meditation or cbt may help with anger management.
It doesn't sound so bad, do you drink because you're stressed or just you get lairy when you've had a couple?
Lots of judging here which doesn't help. I would be cross my kebab got cold

OP you were whinging but if your boyfriend had come back and said how sorry he was and acting like he was genuinely you wouldn't have whinged. He came back, you were angry, so he told you you were out of order and made you feel to blame. Do you see why this seems like gaslighting?

I dont think you ruined the night.

You may have some demons that come out more so with alcohol so maybe laying off would be a good idea or just having the one drink. At least until you have sorted yourself out. Have you maybe thought about CBT?

You have said in a following post that your other half sometimes leaves you at parties, I think that if this is making you uncomfortable then yes you should have a chat with him. I think him going to a random persons house to pick up weed is bloody stupid (not a judgement on the weed at all). If you want drugs then go to someone who you know and trust, he could of been anyone. Like I said I think this is incredibly stupid.

20 minutes to a drunk person isnt a long time, that being said I dont think he did anything to wrong. You say he did actually text you to let you know what was happening but you didnt have your phone. I think it may be a case of crossed wires and you were already irritated because of the drunk perv.

You cant always blame your past, sometimes you have to grow up and deal with shit. Work out what your triggers are and if alcohol is one of them then you need to limit you drinking or stop altogether.

Please look into counselling. Even if it only happens when you're drinking the underlying issues are still there waiting for you to have a glass of wine and that's no way to live

House parties in squat like properties - you need to check your expectations of relationships. I don't know a single person who wouldn't dump someone who took them to a place like that never mind only a month in. You're 31 not 19!

Also lol at people talking about 'doing weed' and 'getting his fix' that's not how it works, it's not heroin

Squat-like parties? Alpha-males court in the kitchen? Your partner sounds like a 16 year old, not one of the cool ones either, the ones that end up working in some warehouse on shift work.

Please please say this is a troll