DH told MIL I'm pregnant without telling me

[Seasy]

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew. I told my mum and sister and he knew that I'd told them. I told him if he wanted to tell his mum he could for support and he said he didn't want to.

I have some issues around his relationship with his mum she is emotionally manipulative of DH and cries a lot to get her own way. She's OK but some past behaviour doesn't add up and I harbour resentment I can't seem to kick. I keep this in but DH knows I sometimes get frustrated with her- it's to do with her grandchildren and the way she's treated her son in law in the past as well as numerous things. We have very different values.

Anyway a text popped up on his phone when we were together from his mum and I could see some of the content- I asked if he had told her and he initially tried to deny it but then admitted it and says he was going to tell me. If he had been honest I wouldn't have stopped him- I just hate that he and his mum have secret chats about me and this hugely personal thing without me knowing.

She keeps trying to see me now (she doesn't know I've seen the text unless DH has betrayed me again and told her) and I can't face her. I have to see her soon and I hate that she knows when I'm so vulnerable. I can't bear that she and DH are in cahoots about me behind my back.

Am I overreacting? I'm prepared to be told either way as I have deep seated feelings about their relationship.

I honestly couldn’t find the time to be bothered about this.

He was out of the country on business which I didn't know at the time.

Both times? That’s quite a coincidence.

Thank you for all the responses I am taking them on board. I don't hate MIL at all- she is a great grandparent to DH's older child and I know she will be if all goes well.

What I resent is being kept out of the loop when it comes to she and DH. I sometimes feel like he is closer to his mum than he is to me, if he was open and honest and asked me first (I'd already made it clear I wouldn't say no) I would feel like we were a team. As it is I feel like they are a team and I'm next down the list.

I know I can be slightly unreasonable about all this because of some things in the past I can't seem to let go of and I think I may try and get some counselling as the last thing j want is to drive DH away.

OP major overreaction on your part, you sound very controlling but what stands out to me is how very alike your MIL and yourself are going on what you've posted. It really seems like your DH married someone like his mother.

Try and enjoy your pregnancy instead of being paranoid and getting caught up in drama.

What are you insinuating?

As it is I feel like they are a team and I'm next down the list.

Then you have a problem, one you need to have a calm discussion about with your DH.

"honeyrider the OP has posted so very little about herself or her MIL. How can you possibly conclude they are similar. What they do have in common is a man they both love, that's pretty much for all of us with partners and MILs!

I also do not know how anyone can know if the OP is overreacting as she has alluded to previous problems or issues and we don't know what they are.

@NotTakenUsername I can't work out what your agenda is in the way you're goading GreatDuckCookery, why are trying to make out that her DS is incompetent? That really isn't kind.

My DH forgets things he's been told, which can be very annoying, but he has a very responsible job as Principal Engineer in the Bridges Section. The two things are not comparable, forgetting things in your private life doesn't mean you can't be very competent in your work life.

I know I can be slightly unreasonable about all this because of some things in the past I can't seem to let go of

I’m always weary to those ‘things of the past that I can’t seem to let go of’ because they are often things that actually are NOT acceptable and that you should NOT let go. And also things that women somehow think they should just accept and move on from ‘for the good of the relationship/family’

Lizzie
Id he has a really good job and is totally competent at work and manages to not forget things there,
Then he has absolutely NO EXCUSE to not be able to do that in his private life?
Why in earth would someone suddenly becomes forgetful in one area of his life? Ime, it’s squally because they don’t think that inst important and worth remembering.....

That's true, I didn't say it wasn't annoying. But no one is perfect and there are things about me that he finds annoying in turn. It's called working as a team. You tolerate each other's weaknesses and foibles.

If you're looking for someone who never gets things wrong or doesn't have annoying traits, then you will never find that person.

It’s not about annoying traits or not being perfect. It’s about a woman being forced into a position of either taking on the wife work, or the wheels to come off the running of the family.
If it was a genuine character flaw, things would also be forgotten at work and his job or career would suffer as a result.

What's your beef here Nottaken, are you married to someone who's incompetent?

I don't understand why you can't comprehend that for some women it suits them to liaise with their inlaws rather than go through the DS.

I can believe that fine - but that’s not what you said. You said your dil does it because the other way was tried and didn’t work. Which is far too common, and women enable this behaviour.

I have not mentioned my home life set up, yet you keep trying to imply ‘projection’ and make assumptions about my personal life, although I haven’t shared any details and stayed very factual - making observations and asking questions.

I adore my MIL, we have a great relationship. If she always came to me as the default family planner/diary organiser I’d tell her where to stick it politely suggest she could speak to her DS as he’s as much a part of the family as me.
If your DIL is happy to take on the wife work GreatDuckCookery then that’s up to her. I imagine she’d probably prefer her DH to not ‘forget’ or fail to reply to you though:

It's not true in my DH's case, it's not about 'wife-work', I hate that term with a passion. My DH does whatever job he sees needs doing, including the washing at weekends. I think he forgets things because there are so many things going on in our life, 2 adopted DDs, one with SN, and we both have a lot of balls in the air.

It's about team work, not wife-work or not. You're just so cynical and insulting of other people's relationships.

Lizzie48 if that is the case then I am sure that you are both guilty of forgetting things as there is so much going on. I’m which case I’m sure you are both as forgiving of each other when this happens.
If it defaults to your responsibility (and guilt of things are forgotten), that’s when wifework comes in to play.

Also more personal comments. Why do people get so personal when you point out something they don’t like to acknowledge or accept?

If your DIL is happy to take on the wife work GreatDuckCookery then that’s up to her. I imagine she’d probably prefer her DH to not ‘forget’ or fail to reply to you though

It was DILs suggestion to text her regarding future dates tbh because she knows that DH can't always respond quickly because he's often out of the country with work and quite often in different time zones. Also with her line of work she needs to plan ahead when considering holidays and days out, so really doesn't see it as wifework.

Well then great for her 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apparently I’m cynical, spiteful, married (to someone incompetent) I’ve got beef, I’m insulting a pp parenting skills by calling out wilfull incompetence, I’m goading...

My goodness, anyone would think you didn’t like what I’m saying but don’t have a valid response to the discussion so are trying some low blows...

I don't understand why you're so invested if any of this doesn't impact on you that's all.