DH told MIL I'm pregnant without telling me

[Seasy]

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew. I told my mum and sister and he knew that I'd told them. I told him if he wanted to tell his mum he could for support and he said he didn't want to.

I have some issues around his relationship with his mum she is emotionally manipulative of DH and cries a lot to get her own way. She's OK but some past behaviour doesn't add up and I harbour resentment I can't seem to kick. I keep this in but DH knows I sometimes get frustrated with her- it's to do with her grandchildren and the way she's treated her son in law in the past as well as numerous things. We have very different values.

Anyway a text popped up on his phone when we were together from his mum and I could see some of the content- I asked if he had told her and he initially tried to deny it but then admitted it and says he was going to tell me. If he had been honest I wouldn't have stopped him- I just hate that he and his mum have secret chats about me and this hugely personal thing without me knowing.

She keeps trying to see me now (she doesn't know I've seen the text unless DH has betrayed me again and told her) and I can't face her. I have to see her soon and I hate that she knows when I'm so vulnerable. I can't bear that she and DH are in cahoots about me behind my back.

Am I overreacting? I'm prepared to be told either way as I have deep seated feelings about their relationship.

NotTaken you're 100 per cent right but you're flogging a dead horse I'm afraid.

GrestDuckCookery

Honestly don’t feed it. I too have great relationships with my dils and my dds boyfriends.

Some people are incapable of either understanding this or experiencing this so feel the need to carp and criticise.

Obviously you can see how they will be as mils.

Thanks Zintox.

You sound like a complete drama queen. It sounds like your husband knows how you feel about his mum so didn't want you knowing that hes told her. They are not in "cahoots" and its not a betrayal. Move on and stop getting worked up about nothing.

Also posters do bring their own angst to posts like this as evidently shows.

It must be exhausting to live life like an episode of Eastenders. Or second guess every text Incase you offend a relative.

Good grief chill and enjoy being a family.

Thanks Ohmydays.

Yes some people can't seem to think that some women are ok with sorting stuff out with their inlaws rather than the menz doing it.

You let you family know and he let his know, he just forgot to tell you he'd told his mum. It's not a big deal. A bigger deal is why he felt the need to deny telling her, probably because he was trying to defend himself by avoiding your unreasonable "dh has betrayed me" emotional manipulation.

tbh I feel sorry for your dh as he is being regularly emotionally manipulated by both his dw and dm.

you don't like his mum (I really disliked my MIL too), you don't need to like her, but you really need to accept its his mum and respect his relationship with her and realise your need to control their relationship is a big part of the problem. He should be allowed to tell his mum what he likes or feels is appropriate without making sure you approve or keeping you up to date with what she knows. He should also be able to have conversations with his mum without filling you in on the details.

Do you control his discussions with other people? No you don't (I hope!), you are only doing this because you don't like his mum and you need to stop as it is not fair on your dh.

Every family is different. My SIL does most of the arrangements with MIL, as my BIL doesn't really do phone calls. Whereas DH and I talk things through, but it's always him who liaises with his DM. I often remind him of something he's supposed to be telling her, though, as MIL tends to ramble on about other things and then he appears to have forgotten the reason why he phoned her in the first place.

I personally like making arrangements via email or Facebook Messenger, so we're all on the same page with the arrangements.

Blimey - I can see this escalating...... scans, birth, christening, nursery, Christmas and birthday presents, sleep--overs, holidays, school ....... all of these are opportunities for misunderstandings and drama. If there's this much grief at this stage, I dread to think what it will be like once your DC is here!

I would be angry if my dh had gone behind my back, it's something you should be together on.
We decided when we were telling people and they were all told on the same day.
I would be concerned that dh wasn't on the same page tbh and wonder if I could trust him in the future.

GreatCookDuckery Gosh, you're very defensive and quite aggressive in each of your responses. NotTaken's view about ''wifework' is a valid one; too many men seem to think the mental load belongs to the women. Your sons (and you) may or may not believe that, but it's your life and you do as you see fit. No need to attack people who disagree with you.

seasy, if you live in a place that begins with “Ki” I think I might know you. Just wanted to tell you incase you didn’t want to post stuff you might be uncomfortable someone you knew reading.

If you are the person I know then the backstory is pretty bad and I don’t blame you for wanting warning she knew.

You don't think Nottaken was aggressive then in her accusations of me bringing up such an incompetent son? Every one of her posts to me were pretty unkind really.

Funny that you're not addressing her.

@wineandroses1 I also find it strange that you're having a go at GreatDuck and not at Nottaken, your post was very biased. I don't understand why there is the assumption that DILs must automatically resent being expected to do 'wifework'. It's clear that GreatDuck has a really close relationship with her DILs as friends and not just as MIL.

@GreatDuckCookery - I arrange directly with my MIL because I really like her and enjoy seeing her. I don’t see what the big deal is. I want to see her so it’s not added wife-work.

For context this is my second marriage MIL - first MIL was one of the reasons we broke up so I particularly appreciate that the new one is lovely!

Wineanddroses

Maybe you would be defensive if a random internet twat called your ds useless.

Some people are just spiteful and you can quite see how they opperate within a family.

Sad

mittensofsteel it's nice to hear you get on with your MIL. I really wish I did

And GreatDuckCookery and myself didn’t attack Nottaken she attacked us and quite spitefully too.

Op, reading this it sound really childish.

Yabu. You told him he could tell her.

Genuinely op, if you carry on like this, you'll all end up really unhappy and that won't bode well for your relationship in the long run.

It sounds like you'd be happy not to have a relationship with his own mother and that's not fair.

Don't sweat the small stuff. Him telling her is small stuff, not some massive conspiracy.

I'd say from your reaction it is probably obvious why he didn't tell you right away. You obviously have some sort of problem with him having a close relationship with his mother, maybe for good reason, I don't know.

I think you need to just chill out and focus on having a healthy pregnancy.

I also assume his "rule" about knowing who knows was more so he would know if it was something that he should be chatting about with them, or someone to avoid speaking to about it, which seems sensible rather than controlling.

Please try and get over this, does it really matter if she gets told at 10 weeks or 12. You will be more upset if she shows no interest in your dc when he or she is here. She might turn out to be a fabulous dg, even if you don't particularly like her.

It's not adding to her wifework it's the way she likes it as when I've gone through DS some important stuff has been forgotten.

This is why I commented. If you said:

It's not adding to her wifework it's the way she likes it as we are already great friends and it would be silly to communicate through a third party.

Ok, fine. Or if you said:

It's not adding to her wifework it's the way she likes it as she’s extremely organised and enjoys know what is happening with her whole family.

Ok, fine.

But your dil tried it the other way and your ds showed her quite clearly what happens when he is given responsibility he doesn’t prioritise. I wonder how he holds down a job when he is always forgetting ‘important stuff’?

Sorry OP but you sound like really hard work.

Ok maybe important stuff means different things to us. There's been a couple of times where I've needed a response from him regarding dates for us all going away or out for a meal, where he didn't get back to me.

DIL herself said in future just to ask her because she's the one that would be deciding if they could go at that time anyway. So since then DIL and I have just worked stuff out together.

It works well for us.

Why didn’t he get back to you?