DH told MIL I'm pregnant without telling me

[Seasy]

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew. I told my mum and sister and he knew that I'd told them. I told him if he wanted to tell his mum he could for support and he said he didn't want to.

I have some issues around his relationship with his mum she is emotionally manipulative of DH and cries a lot to get her own way. She's OK but some past behaviour doesn't add up and I harbour resentment I can't seem to kick. I keep this in but DH knows I sometimes get frustrated with her- it's to do with her grandchildren and the way she's treated her son in law in the past as well as numerous things. We have very different values.

Anyway a text popped up on his phone when we were together from his mum and I could see some of the content- I asked if he had told her and he initially tried to deny it but then admitted it and says he was going to tell me. If he had been honest I wouldn't have stopped him- I just hate that he and his mum have secret chats about me and this hugely personal thing without me knowing.

She keeps trying to see me now (she doesn't know I've seen the text unless DH has betrayed me again and told her) and I can't face her. I have to see her soon and I hate that she knows when I'm so vulnerable. I can't bear that she and DH are in cahoots about me behind my back.

Am I overreacting? I'm prepared to be told either way as I have deep seated feelings about their relationship.

So you had to let him know who you had told, but he didnt tell you he had told his mum?

Nice set of double standards there.

Why do you think he lied? What are the issues you have with their relationship? I am thinking the umbilical cord may not have been quite cut....?

'in cahoots' how? You sound paranoid OP.

You've overreacted big time and seem quite controlling as well

OP Your opening post is very clear.

'DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew.'

He made the rule, did he think it did not apply to him too?

You said he could tell his mum, you were not withholding anything, but he was willing to lie about something so petty.

My guess is he lied because he knows you have some issues with his mum and he felt this would be easier for him or for you.

Your dh needs to know lying is not on.

I'm not sure we can judge if you are being unreasonable because we do not know what happened in the past. You mentioned a past betrayal. I wonder what else has gone on in the relationship for you to feel so unhappy about your dh and his mum.

You don't need to tell us but I think you need to work out whatever has happened in the past. If you can (and want to) make peace, and, if you can, and move on but you will probably only be able to do this if your dh can prioritize you and your new baby and not lie to you.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

Only see your MIL when you are ready. Avoid her if you wish to. Enjoy your pregnancy.

Isn't the real issue why he felt he couldn't tell you he had talked to his mum?

The problem seems to be that you are involved with dishonest people.
How you choose to work around that is up to you but do not take responsibility for their inappropriate behavior.

Hang on, she’s not controlling, but he is! He said to tell him who she’d told then told his mum and lied saying he hadn’t.

I think saying they’re ‘in cahoots’ is a bit dramatic, they’re hardly plotting things behind your back.
Does his mum even know that you don’t know she knows? Maybe she just assumes he told you?
I can see why you’re pissed off that he didn’t tell you. She hasn’t done anything wrong in this scenario though has she? She was just told some information.

I don't think yabu but then I'm firmly in the camp that I am, not we are, the pregnant one and as such decisions surrounding pregnancy are made by me. I also had an anxious time following losses and I was extremely clear that it was to be discussed with no one until the first scan was passed. This includes my own family but if I had felt better supported by telling them and not my in laws it would have been the same.

The only part of your op that sounds over the top to me is thinking that they are in cahoots. This feels like an overreaction. But having said that, I completely understand how you feel about others discussing you whilst you're feeling so vulnerable. Early pregnancy is so hard when you're coming from a place where things have gone wrong before.

I would take the mil out of it. The relationship doesn't sound great, so try to put it out of your mind for now as she's unlikely to be a source of support. Remember that you are the person going through a pregnancy and that means the decisions are yours alone. This doesn't make you controlling. If anyone is being controlling it's your partner who is laying down expectations which he then doesn't keep to himself. Don't feel bad for stating what you need to make things manageable.

Explain how you feel to him and ask that he keeps conversations about you to a minimum. Acknowledge that you might be hormonal or just generally unreasonable in your request but point out that it's you and your body that are having to do this and it would be nice if he respected whatever you asked for.

You said he could tell his mum you're pregnant and now you're pissed off that he did just that, even though you've told your own family?

From the outside THIS.

But then the crux seems to be he lied...
BUT then I’m not sure it really is since you seem to just hate your MIL so it’s really more about her than anything else.

given your over the top response to him not telling you, I assume there is a lot of backstory around your DH and MIL. Within your opening post your “reasons” for disliking your MIL sound a bit petty (it’s very vague so maybe the specifics would make it more obvious?)

He said he didn't want to tell his mum, told her and then lied to OP about it. All while telling her she had to tell him who she had told.

That would piss me off too.

As pp said, it's not the telling part that would bother me but the lying secretive part. I'd want to find out why he didn't just tell you immediately when you saw the text that he had told her.

That first page was ott. No I don’t think YABU and I think it will get a lot worse before you’re done raising this child..,,

PPs saying the OP’s husband is controlling because he wanted to know who she’d told, has it crossed your mind that he wanted to be sure who knew so he didn’t accidentally let the cat out of the bag?! Not every DH is a fucking controlling bastard

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. I'm sure you are feeling very worried, this sounds like a vulnerable state to me.. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

There will always be a race to the bottom because (for some people) pregnancy isn't an illness don't you know . Chat rather than aibu might have been a better place for this thread.

DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew.. Someone is controlling and it isn't you. He sounds like a cock. You'll have to see your mil eventually and it sounds like you need a plan of action for when you do. Your oh should tell his mum you know and how you found out. Be breezy and see her in a few weeks /when you normally would.

I’d be asking why he didn’t tell you’d straight away. And you should be listening carefully to his reply.

Maybe he was scared of your reaction? You use some very strong language in your OP: “betrayed” etc.

However maybe he had form for this kind of thing and you have every right to be upset?

My MIL can be v controlling and manipulative (not to mention racist) and if DH hadnt shown that he put his family and me first, it would have caused huge isssues in our marriage.

Sorry OP you are overreacting yes.

I can understand your issue and understand why this would be sensitive given your previous losses - DH made the rule about having to know who you told, then didn't follow it himself and, even worse, lied to you about telling.

Does your DH generally lie to get himself out of situations? Or is it just with MIL that he has boundary problems?

My guess is he knows you wouldn’t really want his mum to know but wanted to tell his mum . He is probably worried too and doesn’t want to upset you which ironically has made everything worse.

The question you need to ask your dh is why he felt he should lie

The OPs husband probably wanted to know who OP had told so that he didn’t put his foot in it. Would look odd if he acted as though he didn’t know that his wife is pregnant in front of HIS MIL if she knew. Just sensible and not controlling.

There is probably more backstory, similar happened to me with post birth issue, I didn't want anyone knowing , I said to my dh don't tell your mother please , he said of course I won't . Days later mil came to house and asked me about it , I could have killed him . But at the time I had hormones all over the place and my granny was dying so I feel I should have cut him some slack . It still makes me a bit mad sometimes.

The question you need to ask your dh is why he felt he should lie

I would add why did ask the OP to tell HIM who she was telling about the pregnancy but could be bothered to do the same??
In effect, why is it ok for him to have one rule for the op and another for him?

I think that if her hadn’t asked her to let him know who she was telling about the pregnancy, him telling his mum wo saying anything to the OP would have been weird (why would you not tell your own wife??) but OK. Doing so when you’ve specifically asked her to tell you is wrong.
The lying about having told her is even more wrong.

And that’s before the fact there is clearly a backstory w the MIL and the fact he has let the OP down before anyway....

It is fair enough for your dp to know who you have told so he doesnt slip up, however this works both ways and he lied to you instead.

With a normal person that would be a little 'oh didn't realise you know, great news isnt it? But with a toxic person it puts you on the back foot and if she suddenly starts being more/less toxic OP would have no clue why.

It sounds as though there is some sort of power struggle going on between you and MIL for DH's affections, sadly all too common it appears on MN. Please don't use the baby, now or later when he/she is hopefully born safely and well, as a pawn in this game. Try not to see MIL as some sort of threat or rival. If you make DH choose between you, of course he will choose you, but he may resent you for it.

When your baby arrives, you will love it intensely and unconditionally; your DH is an adult but he is still her son and she loves him in the same way. Yes, she may be annoying, but try to be generous and cut her a bit of slack. She could be a help and support to you. She will be your baby's GM, just as your mother will be.

Apologies if there is some back story but, on the basis of what you say in your posts, I think you are not only overreacting, but being somewhat unkind.

I am not a MIL, btw, so no axe to grind, but I do get the impression that a lot of posters project their own situations on these types of threads.

Well I think you are being a bit OTT, she is his mum and he’s probably anxious too about you because of previous history but it’s done now so no point in continuing with this negativity. I mean he told his mum not put it on face book.

You need each other for support. Put it away and move forward. Concentrate on you and your health and your little family unit and I wish you all the best.

Maybe he kept it a secret for a drama free life. I get that you may be hormonal but it’s his mother and you sound jealous of her place in his life. He’s with you having a child with you so let it be a happy time. She would’ve found out eventually so calm down and enjoy your pregnancy.