DH told MIL I'm pregnant without telling me

[Seasy]

I'm currently around 10 weeks pregnant and a nervous wreck after numerous early losses. DH told me he was happy for me to tell who I wanted to as long as I told him who knew. I told my mum and sister and he knew that I'd told them. I told him if he wanted to tell his mum he could for support and he said he didn't want to.

I have some issues around his relationship with his mum she is emotionally manipulative of DH and cries a lot to get her own way. She's OK but some past behaviour doesn't add up and I harbour resentment I can't seem to kick. I keep this in but DH knows I sometimes get frustrated with her- it's to do with her grandchildren and the way she's treated her son in law in the past as well as numerous things. We have very different values.

Anyway a text popped up on his phone when we were together from his mum and I could see some of the content- I asked if he had told her and he initially tried to deny it but then admitted it and says he was going to tell me. If he had been honest I wouldn't have stopped him- I just hate that he and his mum have secret chats about me and this hugely personal thing without me knowing.

She keeps trying to see me now (she doesn't know I've seen the text unless DH has betrayed me again and told her) and I can't face her. I have to see her soon and I hate that she knows when I'm so vulnerable. I can't bear that she and DH are in cahoots about me behind my back.

Am I overreacting? I'm prepared to be told either way as I have deep seated feelings about their relationship.

Jesus don’t people are wierd!

Of course he had to know who she had told because he didn’t want to put his foot in it!

Some people have very nasty minds. Op move on and take care of yourself. Obviously you have s back story with your mil.

I am a mil and to be honest I go through my dils for any Family arrangements not my dss as we all get on so well.

It must be tough if you don’t but don’t blow this out of proportion love its really not worth it.

I am a mil and to be honest I go through my dils for any Family arrangements not my dss as we all get on so well.

I’m sure the love that. Nothing like a bit of wifework to add to your daily load!

NotTaken

Yes we all love each other very dearly. I have just supported one of my my dils through a MC but you know you see hate in everything how sad.

Im sure you all do. But I wonder how many mil go through their son-in-laws to make arrangements...

Totally depends on the arrangements. If it’s for a dils birthday then yes through my sons. If dil is arranging afaniky enevt thrmen through her.

It must be exhausting to live your life always second guessing who you should contact first. It’s family you just communicate

I am a mil and to be honest I go through my dils for any Family arrangements not my dss as we all get on so well.

Me too. It's not adding to her wifework it's the way she likes it as when I've gone through DS some important stuff has been forgotten.

Me too. It's not adding to her wifework -it's the way she likes_ it as when I've gone through DS some important stuff has been forgotten.

No, it is your ds wilful incompetence that means she feels she has no option but to operate this way. 🤷‍♀️

That doesn't mean my DIL minds me texting her to make arrangements though or that I mind her texting me. We don't all have to make a big old fuss about nothing you know.

Lying is lazy and cowardly, lying to your partner is a betrayal of their trust. Choosing to lie to your partner when you know they're already feeling vulnerable...dreadful behaviour.

YANBU! Your partner needs to know how damaging his actions have been, you were already uncomfortable around your MiL so how did your (D?)P think you would feel if/when you discovered his duplicity?

Yea. Or maybe she does mind but knows that you are the sort of woman to label having an issue with such things as ‘making a great big fuss out of nothing’.

It will be one or the other.

She doesn't mind. She's a good friend of mine actually. We see each other often without DS and get on well.

And like I said I don't mind that she calls or texts me to make arrangements instead of DS doing it.

Pretty spiteful comment there. Got out of the wrong side of the bed did you?

I’m complimenting the very tolerant dil you very clearly love.

NotTakenUsername - just because duck makes arrangements via her DiL, it doesn't mean her son is incompetent! My Dh isn't incompetent, but I make most of the arrangements to talk to his parents - mainly because time differences and work patterns mean it's easier for me to do it. Conversely, he deals with my mother and actively protects me from her. Perhaps Duck's DS has taken over other roles and things balance out.

Duck, I'm glad you have an awesome relationship with your DiL! I'm fortunate enough to have brilliant PiL and it really does bring an added joy to my life and my marriage.

I would wonder why he did not tell you, A: Did he deliberately lie to you. B: Did he over share with his DM and didn't find the right time to tell you.

It is slightly dramatic as your family knew already, if you were both waiting for 12 weeks to tell you would nbu. As you were not Yabu.

“as when I've gone through DS some important stuff has been forgotten.”

No, the communication doesn’t make him incompetent. The reason for the communication does...

You're overreacting. He's not in cahoots about 'you', it's not a personal thing about 'you' it's about your baby together.
I'm guessing he probably didn't intend to tell his mum, then felt inclined to when they spoke. I imagine he was then worried to tell you given your relationship with her. It was clumsy and dishonest, but I don't think you're even that pissed off that he lied so much as that she knows...

While calling me out on my parenting skills.
It's beyond ridiculous to talk about DIL the way you have as you don't know her or DS for that matter.

You seem to be doing an awful lot of projecting here.

It's really lovely that you have such a good relationship with your DILs, GreatDuckCookery and if your way works and all parties are happy with it, then you shouldn't feel the need to justify it to randoms on the Internet.

In the OP's case, the lying is the issue rather than the fact that her DH told his DM. I do think you should ask yourself why, though, if you've had a short fuse recently he maybe didn't want to have his head bitten off. Cowardly, certainly, but not worth giving it too much headspace.

There have been things I didn't want my MIL to know about and thankfully he's always respected that. I've eased up on that, though, because I know now that she's thoroughly discreet and will never break a confidence. And we don't see her very often as she lives a distance away from us, so it isn't a big deal if she knows certain things.

This all sounds very over dramatic and frankly rather silly.

Of course he shouldn't have lied to you but I imagine he didn't want to tell you he told his DM because you would react in the same way in which you've written your OP.

All this suspicion about his being in 'cahoots' and having secret chats with his DM, who you clearly resent and hate sound ridiculous, unless she's done something incredibly spiteful to you in the past. And unless I'm missing something I don't understand why you seem so horrified that she's trying to see you. Maybe she wants to support you at this time.

I suggest you sit down with your DH like two adults and speak frankly with each other about your feelings around the whole pregnancy and his not telling you about telling his DM. Sounds like you both need to grow up.

Meh, that’s always a go to response in these conversations. But it doesn’t really apply here.

Well OP I think you are overreacting. I say that as someone who really really struggles with their own MIL.
Have an honest conversation with your DP about how you feel and keep talking it through. If you already feel vulnerable you need to address your own feelings and why you feel that way so early on

Gosh, there must be a heck of a backstory or other issue going on here - yes, he should have told you but your reaction and take on the situation (in cahoots, talking about me) is unusual, tbh.

Thanks Lizzie, you're absolutely right.