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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL has punished DS because of us

167 replies

gammonsteaks · 21/06/2018 16:29

MIL told every single person in her family not to buy my son any birthday presents because we refused to travel 400 miles to be with her on his birthday. They all obeyed her.

AIBU to give up on them all? They are all horrid people anyway.

OP posts:

diddl · 22/06/2018 17:25

If these other adults don't live with IL & could contact you/your husband independently then I do think that it's odd that they don't.

The SIL that you get on with hasn't been in contact for a year!!

There doesn't seem to be a relationship between the siblings at all!

WhiteWalkerWife · 22/06/2018 20:41

Wow she sounds awful then. Nc with them all.

Homebird8 · 22/06/2018 21:54

I don’t really understand why if your DH wants to go NC with all of them, and they are so difficult or in such infrequent and limited contact, you don’t just let him. Your DS would be better of with loving parents and nobody else than manipulative, separatist and toxic relations who he can never understand and needs protecting from.

Original poster

gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 23:12

Homebird8, do you think? I think some family connection would be nice on DH’s side. My side is so small, just my sister’s family and an aunt who’s overseas and never met my son. Both my parents are dead.

OP posts:

Original poster

gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 23:19

diddl, no they don’t live with MIL now, although one of them keeps going “home” to her.

I don’t know why they, the siblings, don’t contact each other. We’ve never been invited to their houses or anything. I invited them in the early days but apart from once, MIL tagged along and we don’t have enough room to put everyone up so those visits stopped. Haven’t seen them for ages now.

OP posts:

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 22/06/2018 23:48

gammon my relationship with my sister is non-existent. For the longest time my mother was the go-between between us, we couldn't do anything without her consultation or agreement or there would be sulking. Its taken for other events for me to realise really what was happening. Because that was normal for me. Listen to your DH, he's realised his family dynamics are screwed. If he doesn't want to have them in your lives, then don't. I'm second generation of this and I've seen the damage to my parents, and between me and my sister. It makes no sense to other people, but its better my DC aren't around a lot of my family.

Homebird8 · 23/06/2018 01:06

gammonsteaks, I do actually think DS would be better off with people in his life who love him and value him as a person (not an object to be argued over) however few in number they are. I agree that it would be nice if both sides of the family were lovely but simply wanting it won’t make it so. DS is still little and so, with the infrequent contact to this point, isn’t yet hurt by DH’s family. If DH has realised what they are like, and that it’s not going to change, and wants to go NC, then you have the perfect opportunity to protect your child and your relationship. Let your DS have the family equivalent of Santa and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny without having to have the Bogey Man too.

Ellie73 · 23/06/2018 03:46

Cut ties before she can do any further emotional damage to your DS. She should be ashamed of herself. Karma. Karma and karma again.

Original poster

gammonsteaks · 23/06/2018 04:10

Thanks all. I still would like to be in touch with youngest SIL but perhaps that can’t or shouldn’t happen. Maybe i’ll just send a card as usual on her birthday. Whether I can trust her is another matter.

MIL has spoken badly about this daughter, DH is a bit meh about her (I think because MIL has had a smear campaign about her and it’s ingrained in the rest of the family now) but I like her. She’s not weird like the others!

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 23/06/2018 04:14

I think you could approach the SIL you like and see how it goes. And absolutely cut off from the rest of the family. Christ what a bitch and what a bunch of spineless twats.

At least you've found out fairly early on, before your son realises the sort of people they are and is hurt by them.

Original poster

gammonsteaks · 23/06/2018 04:35

Yes DistanceCall, he’ll never know them, but it also means he has no grandparents as my parents are dead.

I hate MIL for what she’s done to my son. I knew there would be issues, she’s controlling and a liar, but I didn’t think she’d be that mean to a tiny child.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 23/06/2018 04:44

Oh dear what a drama this woman has created just because she isn't getting her own way. I have a narcissistic mother. There were so many things I wasn’t “allowed” to do as a grown adult. I’ve had plenty of therapy and know now she doesn’t have the right to control me.

I can understand your dh’s POV totally. However, please don’t let it get to a Point with him now deciding your ds isn’t allowed contact with any of the family because then it becomes a new generation of what people are and aren’t allowed to do. I’d let the dust settle a while and explain you’d like to try to have a separate relationship with his sister / aunt. I’m not saying dictate to him either. Rather to gently explain he’s being the same way as his mother.

FASH84 · 23/06/2018 04:51

Could she have lied to them and said you or DH had said no presents as he has enough already? If that's the case it is all on MIL, if not they're all mean as to a child!

Original poster

gammonsteaks · 23/06/2018 05:00

That’s what I think she’s probably done FASH. The family are weird, enmeshed, but apart from MIL I don’t think they’re cruel. I think she’s had a smear campaign about us, maybe telling people we dislike them or something, or she’s said as you suggested, that we’ve asked for no gifts.

OP posts:

DistanceCall · 23/06/2018 05:06

@gammonsteaks My grandmother was a monster. A proper monster of selfishness and hypocrisy. I knew her until she died, a few years ago.

I wouldn't have missed anything by not knowing her. And my parents would have been spared quite a lot of suffering.

So don't beat yourself up about your child not knowing his grandparents. Sometimes, unfortunately, it's by far the best option. Your child should be surrounded by people who actually love him and care for him.

WhiteWalkerWife · 23/06/2018 07:07

Better no family then one who will use him as a weapon against his parents. Better no family then one who will treat him badly to do it.

Your son will be treated badly as he grows up. Their love is conditional on him being what they want, when they want and on his parents falling in line. Realistically, he won't always be good or cute (in their eyes) or act as they want. And neither will you.

So he will be punished for it.

0nTheEdge · 23/06/2018 10:46

I agree with you that going NC is a good option. It's still quite a hard an emotional decision to make as the child of the parent, but it was the best thing I ever did with regards to my dad. I think I'd put up with so much he'd done to me and felt worthless my whole life, but I couldn't handle it when his manipulations started to involve my first child. I didn't want someone so precious and pure to be used as a weapon against me. Maybe this is how your husband is feeling, that your mil had crossed a line in being spiteful to your child?

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