Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has punished DS because of us

167 replies

gammonsteaks · 21/06/2018 16:29

MIL told every single person in her family not to buy my son any birthday presents because we refused to travel 400 miles to be with her on his birthday. They all obeyed her.

AIBU to give up on them all? They are all horrid people anyway.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 22/06/2018 08:20

Strange OP hasn’t been back.

How do you know they were going to buy him presents anyway? How do you know she told them not too?

My family never buy my kids birthday presents, most of them don’t even know when their birthdays are. Grandparents give them £10 and that’s about it. Never really bothered me as my kids don’t expect to be showered in gifts from people they hardly ever see.

Antigonads · 22/06/2018 08:21
Hmm
WhiteWalkerWife · 22/06/2018 08:42

MIL sounds like a controlling manipulator that considers herself matriarch and rules with an iron fist.

But, for the others, do you just have her word on this or have you heard it directly from them? What if they gave her gifts for him, believing a party would be at hers?

She is a nasty piece of work punishing a child. As are they if they have. NC with them all but not before sending rosesandflowers1 message.

Namechangedname · 22/06/2018 09:14

Nothing positive will come from this situation so you have nothing to lose. NC

ItsNachoCheese · 22/06/2018 09:15

Your mil is an arsehole. Yanbu

WhipItGood · 22/06/2018 09:22

Yanbu on the basis of what you say, but surely there s more to this? Confused

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 22/06/2018 11:41

Your mil is an out and out spiteful twunt, taking her anger out on a child and the extended family are even bigger spiteful twunts going along with her.
I'm afraid it'd be a case of no contact with the lot of them ever again.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:11

Gosh, all the replies. Thanks

DS is 2.

Just catching up with the thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:14

Will answer questions as I go along.

I know she did it because she rang me and told me.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 22/06/2018 13:17

Fortunately he's too young to really feel the rejection then, and also you can now cut them all off without him much feeling the loss. You're better off out of it!

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:21

DH doesn’t know his wider family. He has his parents, siblings and one aunt and uncle. MIL controls all communication, it’s a weird set up.

She told me she told them that I said we didn’t want any presents. I didn’t say that. But her adult children will believe her and the aunt is elderly.

I’m not going to ring anyone. Have written to the aunt, ignoring everyond else. If they have drunk her Kool Aid, so be it.

OP posts:
JuicySwan · 22/06/2018 13:21

She’s shot herself in the foot by unwittingly doing you the favour of telling you what she’s like.

You can now go NC without your DS ever having known her. Result.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:25

DH has one younger sister who I might contact. She’s the only one I like. I’m surprised that she joined in with this. None of them are close though, MIL has “divided and conquered” with her lies.

Ever since I’ve known her she’s told me who to speak to and who not to speak to in the family. She’s cut everyone off, or they have cut her off, down to just a handful now.

OP posts:
Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:29

DH is angry and won’t speak to them. They are texting him and trying to get him to take DS to them. He won’t.

DH and I have had several rows over his parents. I’ve ne Ed liked hem bevdusrtbey are controlling and nasty gossips.

OP posts:
mostdays · 22/06/2018 13:29

What a hideous bitch. I'm glad this has happened before your son is aware enough to be hurt by her spite and cruelty, and that you can now make sure she doesn't give a chance to do that in the future by keeping her out of his life.

OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 22/06/2018 13:30

Sounds like its time to join the ranks of the other's who've cut her off before your DS is old enough to realise.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:31

MIL has form for this. She didn’t give my present to our niece (SIL lived with her when she divorced so present was sent to MIL’s house) because niece had been “naughty”.

OP posts:
ChasedByBees · 22/06/2018 13:32

It sounds like they didn’t know, particularly if it’s ‘normal’ for all communication to go through her. I wouldn’t necessarily give up on the wider family.

AForegoneConclusion · 22/06/2018 13:34

It will all come back to bite her in the arse eventually.
FIL (now deceased) was similar -played games, lied, split the family with his bullshit. When he died at only 56 he died a very lonely man. You reap what you sow.
As for the presents, pretend it doesn't bother you in the slightest. She WANTS you to be upset. Don't engage in conversations about it, she will try to get a rise out of you so she can tell family what a bully you are. I have been through all this and could write the script. It infuriated FIL that we wouldn't rise to the bait, respond to his sorrowful public bullshit status on facebook, or get angry with him. We just ignored him and got on with our lives.

AtreidesFreeWoman · 22/06/2018 13:35

As a pp said I think she's given you the gold plated gift of an action so petty and spiteful that there's absolutely no reason to remain in contact with her.

Jaxhog · 22/06/2018 13:36

Wow! I bet your wedding was fun. Or did you elope? (I would have)

They are a bunch of sheep, so I wouldn't bother with them. Except for his sister, who you like. It will also REALLY annoy MiL if you can 'turn' her.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:36

A couple of people have asked why they would obey her. I don’t know. Perhaps she told them something else. She once told us not to send a birthday card to the aunt but we did. She was furious and rang me z d told me that her other adult children “were on her side” and hadn’t sent anything.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 22/06/2018 13:36

What a horrible woman, she's no loss to your lives and your DS won't remember her anyway. I feel really sorry for your DH, though, it must be very hurtful for him.

I think you would both benefit from having a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board. It's a safe place for posters who have coped with toxic families. You will find there a lot of people who have gone NC with their families.

Thanks for you, OP, and happy second
birthday to your DS.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:38

Jaxhog, eloped! Because both mothers, mine and DH’s said they would cause a scene if they didn’t get their own way.

OP posts:
SixHoolaHoops · 22/06/2018 13:40

I would not engage at all with them from here on

Very important that your DH agrees and does the same