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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has punished DS because of us

167 replies

gammonsteaks · 21/06/2018 16:29

MIL told every single person in her family not to buy my son any birthday presents because we refused to travel 400 miles to be with her on his birthday. They all obeyed her.

AIBU to give up on them all? They are all horrid people anyway.

OP posts:
LivingMyBestLife · 22/06/2018 13:41

While I wouldn't normally advise asking a relative why they didn't send a present, in this case I think I would ask - I also thought you were the PP who had written before about your MIL expecting you to travel hundreds of miles (possibly while heavily pregnant as well?) for a party.

If your MIL is malicious, it could be that she's told the relatives to give her the presents so she could be gatekeeper. I would ask a relative exactly what was said to them.

Lizzie48 · 22/06/2018 13:42

Oh dear, it sounds like you have a difficult DM as well, I'm so sorry. I have a difficult mum (and a MIL who is hard work too), families can be so tricky.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:46

“Narcissistic mothers know exactly how to keep their children close by their sides, making sure their dependence on her is strong and so they are unable to break the ties between the two of them.“

Yes Maths, that is exactly what it is like. She controls with money.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 22/06/2018 13:46

And I agree that you should talk to your SIL, it would be a shame to go NC with her if she's had no part in this, especially as you get on well with it.

Hissy · 22/06/2018 13:47

now is the time to cut them out, your DS won't know anything about it and it won't hurt him.

She's utterly vile and more fool anyone who listens to her. I'd love to FB call her out on it.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 13:48

Lizzie, my mother is dead now so no longer an issue. She died cut off from just about everyone, not a nice person.

OP posts:
Booie09 · 22/06/2018 13:49

I can't believe people listened to her!!

Tinkobell · 22/06/2018 13:50

Is it me or is MN just brimming with bad MIL stories right now? They're like panto baddies waiting in the shadows ready to strike with poisonous spells upon the vulnerable and innocent! 😁 This story is probably one of the most heinous MILs ever to stalk the earth. Go prick her with a spindle or something OP or at least feed her a dodgy apple!

Tinkobell · 22/06/2018 13:51

......I dread the day I might become a MIL!

Lizzie48 · 22/06/2018 13:52

“Narcissistic mothers know exactly how to keep their children close by their sides, making sure their dependence on her is strong and so they are unable to break the ties between the two of them.“

My DM is like that, and she's used her money to keep it that way. Especially with my brother, who has a learned helplessness because he finds life difficult and she's always bailed him out.

diddl · 22/06/2018 13:53

"I can't believe people listened to her!!"

Yes-you'd think that they would have checked-or I'm maybe they didn't dare?

If they know how awful she is they must have known that it might not be true.

I'm thinking that you'll now be NC with MIL & maybe also those who "obeyed"?

Lizzie48 · 22/06/2018 13:56

@Tinkobell that's because there are a lot of difficult people around, and some of them happen to be MILs. It's not the case that a nice woman suddenly develops horns when she becomes a MIL. If you're kind and treat everyone with respect (i.e. treat others the way you would like to be treated) then you won't be a toxic MIL.

Tinkobell · 22/06/2018 14:00

Why don't you just ring her OP and you ask her WHY? Why did she do this?

anonymousbird · 22/06/2018 14:01

Do it. The kind of people who would do that to a child are the kind of people you don’t need in your life.

This ^^

BlueSapp · 22/06/2018 14:05

I would tell her to go and fuck her self and she would never hear from me my DH or the DC ever again, absolute bitch!

Echobelly · 22/06/2018 14:11

Yes, just remind yourself that the only life MIL is wrecking is her own. Leave her to her misery if she insists on alienating everyone around her.

Ellie56 · 22/06/2018 14:12

Sounds like MIL spun them all a yarn.
I'd ring the sister you like and find out exactly what was said. Then invite her over for birthday cake. Wink.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 14:26

All DH’s siblings live near MIL so we never got to see them without her there anyway.

Problem now, I want to email DH’s younger sister but he doesn’t want me to. He says just cut off the lot of them.

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 22/06/2018 14:49

Allowing family communication to
all go through one person is ne we a great idea.

I really don’t understand why your DH is rushing to cut the whole family off because they believed your MIL’s lies seems?

Why not just pick up the phone to people and tell them what happened?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 22/06/2018 14:55

I really don’t understand why your DH is rushing to cut the whole family off because they believed your MIL’s lies seems? Maybe because he has reached the end of his tether and has finally decided that he won't allow the to continue to have any influence on his life!

We can't know how his childhood was but, if anything like mine or that of my DH, then he may well have had this brewing for years and seeing it pass down to yet another generation - his own child - has been his last straw!

As for simply talking to them... well, I could tell you an interesting tale about my DF and his batshit request for £10K, 48 hours before I completed a house purchase, but I don't think anyone would believe the details! Sometimes family dynamics don't allow ordinary communications!

And yes, I am very jealous of anyone who has never had that sort of problem!

diddl · 22/06/2018 14:58

"All DH’s siblings live near MIL so we never got to see them without her there anyway."

How does that follow?

Did you stay with her or one of them?

Or only she could issue invitations to them?

Perhaps your husband is pissed off that no one thought to check?

Idk, I'm thinking that they need help to break free, but maybe there comes a point that for your own sake ypu have to just break away totally & leave them to it?

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 16:53

AmazingPostVoices, he doesn’t speak to them anyway! I’m the one that MIL rings and sometimes she puts one of his sisters on the phone when they are at her house (like you might a child, except they are in their 30s and 40s!)

In all the years I have known DH, he has only rung his siblings on their birthdays, one (the one I like) texts him on his , or they contact him if they want something. Like to borrow money. That’s it.

diddl, and that is why we never see them I suppose, MIL is the only point of contact between everyone. Two of dh’s Sisters live two miles away from each other and don’t see each other unless at MIL’s. One of the nieces is friends with her cousin on the inlaw side and MIZl stopped them from seeing each other when they were younger. Older now and are best friends thank goodness.

OP posts:
ciderhouserules · 22/06/2018 16:56

OP - are you the poster whose MIL opened a gift addressed to your ds (all gifts to go through MIL!) and took a part of it because she liked it?

If not, sorry, but there seem to be a lot of batshit MILs atm.

NC all the way. With the lot of them, if DH is ok with that.

Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 17:01

I think MIL must have said something to them. She is an outrageous gossip and always is nasty about people. Then they shout at her, then she says “They think they’re above us” (always “us” even though it’s nothing to do with anyone else, just her). So yes think she may have spread rumours.

I’ve written to the aunt because it was her birthday, she doesn’t have the internet, but didn’t like to ask why she hadn’t sent present. DS is so young he’s only had one birthday present off her before, perhaps she wouldn’t buy one every year? I don’t know!

I will email the sister though. Just ask how she is. Haven’t heard anything from her (except gossip through MIL for a year!)

OP posts:
Original poster
gammonsteaks · 22/06/2018 17:06

ciderhouserules, no, we don’t live near MIL.

Yes, loads of crazy MILs. This isn’t second marriage, I attract them! The last one refused to speak to me and her other son’s wife. We would have entire meals at the dinner table with her ignoring us. That was the main reason I split from my ex, he never stood up to me. Then she died and he married again and they’re going strong!

OP posts: