Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for childcare

154 replies

Coulditbeme · 20/06/2018 22:49

Ex has taken me to court and got 50/50 shared care of our 3 year old.
Child currently in full time childcare which I currently pay for and claim back costs via UC.
He pays me maintenance but this will now stop due to the new 50/50 arrangement.
I work part time and he works full time so on the weeks I have the child I will only need part time childcare whereas on the weeks he has the child he will still need full time childcare.
What happens now?
UC won’t let me claim full time childcare costs if I only work part time so aibu to think he should be paying for the childcare on his weeks?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 13:05

That’s all it’s about, Flowerpotbicycle. He’s done this purely out of spite, to get one over on me. He hates me more than he loves the child but would deny that to the hilt if you asked him.
He’s got it in for me and will be staying up til all hours trawling the internet, desperately trying to find new ways to get every penny he can.
He won’t stop trying to bring me down and it seems there’s nothing I can do about it!
I despair!

OP posts:
Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 13:07

Can’t take it back to court. There’s no appeal. Court has made their decision but they do not get involved with finances. That is left to parents to “agree between themselves” which is ludicrous because if you can’t agree on child matters then you’re not going to be able to agree on finances are you?!
The whole system is just so flawed!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/06/2018 13:13

Can you preempt him trying to claim child benefit and contact them to say you believe he will try and maliciously claim and although now he has been awarded 50:50 claim you will not reconsider CB as you believe over time you will retain majority care?

RandomMess · 26/06/2018 13:14

Can you apply for a variation to the CO to have first refusal when Rx is not caring for the child ie using childcare or family for sole charge?

LittleOwl153 · 26/06/2018 13:47

Have you spoken to nursery? You really need to know what their position is. If I were your nursery manager it would depend on whether I could fill the space. If I'm full with a waiting list on a tight budget then reducing hours would be an issue. If I won't fill the space anyway and offer 15 /30hrs provision so am already working with preschool sessions etc then I would look to work with you as best I could for the sake of your child.

In terms of child benefit make sure you remain first contact - presumably you have worked with nursery so far so you should be. Make s sure you are first on her medical records etc. These are the kind of stuff CB will look at if you ask them to decide.

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 14:33

Thanks for that advice, Little owl.
Child is registered at my address for doctor, dentist etc and the current childcare contract is in my name.
Her dad is just named on it as a person who can collect her.
I have spoken to childcare and they are willing to let us do part time on my weeks and full time on his weeks as long as we still pay for a full time place all the time.
I understand this, otherwise they’d be losing money.
I just don’t know where I stand with who should pay the remainder and her dad is grinding me down with his attitude, first taking me to court for 50/50 just to get one over on me and now the suggestion that he will go after child benefit etc to help him pay for a childcare bill that we wouldn’t have if he’d let me collect her on his weeks!

OP posts:
insancerre · 26/06/2018 14:35

Can you not just split the childcare costs 50/50?
But only if he sets up a voucher payment or direct debit for his half

fuzzyfozzy · 26/06/2018 14:59

I don't think I'd be getting involved with nursery. As far as you're concerned birthing is changing.
Although make sure nursery only invoice you for your morning sessions. They'll need another contract for dad. Make sure it's separate.

RandomMess · 26/06/2018 15:11

On a practical note tell him you will pay for mornings and he'll have to pay for afternoons - ensure the nursery will bill you separately. You can claim back for mornings that you need to work and you don't need afternoons.

He will find out how expensive it is and find out he can't claim CB etc the hard way.

RafikiIsTheBest · 26/06/2018 15:27

But OP shouldn't have to pay for his weeks at all. He should be paying for full time on his weeks and if the nursery are demanding full time fees all the time he needs to be paying the additional costs on OPs weeks.
The other option would be for him to sort out a childminder to collect on his weeks, then they pay 50/50 nursery fees and he has a childminder who only he pays. That might work better for all involved as childminders usually (IME) stay open later than nurseries so he will have more time to collect after work if he needs it. And the little child in the middle of all this gets a home from home environment.

RandomMess · 26/06/2018 15:39

If the OP wants to use the nursery for her mornings she will have to pay for that space whether she uses it or not. It's unfair that he financially benefits but I think it's best for stability and proof of main residence (for CB purposes) that she carries on using it.

Fortunately at least most of the cost is refunded to her by TC. Does DC become entitled to early years funding in Sep?? Ensure you claim it for the mornings!

SD1978 · 26/06/2018 17:36

So the nursery is not willing to lower the price, regardless of the number of hours. I’m sorry, but the bill needs to be 50/50, regardless of you choosing not to use the full days. You are being charged for the full days on your week, therefore you should pay them.

SD1978 · 26/06/2018 17:39

And as crappy as it is, would he not be entitled to some money off his weeks? You are paying for full time care, regardless of the hours used, on both your week and his. I would have thought you were therefore both entitled to the same discount/government assistance with fees? Can he apply for tax credits, etc?

BewareOfDragons · 26/06/2018 18:25

She doesn't need those hours; he does, he should pay for them.

OP should only pay for the half days she requires on her weeks.

Sweetandkind · 26/06/2018 18:27

Is it not possible to show him your monthly invoice and show him the cost of the arrangement that he has decided he wants? Say its 1000 for fulltime and 500 currently for mornings? They must publish a day charge and a half day charge. Surely he pays the difference? I know you wouldn't save on childcare on 'his week' but you shouldn't be worse off. Perhaps mediation would help? Otherwise perhaps you can just tell him you have a morning contract in place but he will need to make his own arrangement for afternoons? I very much doubt he will want to permanently spend unneccesarily on nursery...

GreenTulips · 26/06/2018 18:45

I’m sorry, but the bill needs to be 50/50, regardless of you choosing not to use the full days

Or - as OP is willing and able to collect the child every day and dad is preventing that from happening on his weeks - then he needs the space kept open for the child's non attendance not OP.

OPs morning - being used EX morningings being used EX afternoon space required every other week so he needs the space kept open - not OP

So she pays 2 weeks mornings - he pays 2 weeks mornings plus his afternoons plus the retainer for afternoons

RandomMess · 26/06/2018 18:49

Her Ex is completely unreasonable it's very unfair etc. But realistically OP will have to pay for mornings every week because that's what she needs, fortunately she will get most back via tax credits. Wouldn't surprise me if he messes op around so she will sometimes need to use it on "his" weeks anyway.

Afternoons are not her problem they are his. Best stay out of it.

It's probably mainly about money and no longer having to give her CM AngrySad

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 19:05

We have no tax credits in our area now. What I mean by that is no new claims are being taken.
Our area is fully universal credit now.
I already claim universal credit and child is on my claim.
I get help from universal credit for childcare costs.
However, I’m only going to be working 20 hours in September.
He is full time.
He is eligible for 30 free hours funding from the local authority.
He can apply for that no problem.

The problem is the remainder.
The funded hours will only cover 3 full days a week leaving 2 full days a week still to be paid by us.

Universal credit won’t help towards so many hours when I only work 20.
They’ll only help to cover my working hours.
He can’t put a new claim in for tax credits because they’re not taking new tax credit claims in our area and he can’t put his own claim in for universal credit for help with it because the child is already on my claim and only one person can be paid for one child.

All this would be avoided if he just let me pick up at lunchtime!

I feel like my head is going to pop off with all this!

OP posts:
SD1978 · 26/06/2018 19:09

Would the facility allow half days on both weeks? Or would they still expect the full fee, regardless of pick up time?

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 19:13

Yes SD1978 they would. This is the frustrating thing!
I’ve offered to collect at lunchtime on my weeks and his but he won’t let me!
Says he wants her in childcare full time on his weeks.
I can only assume this is because he can’t bear for me to be spending time with her on “his weeks.”

OP posts:
BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 26/06/2018 19:15

All this would be avoided if he just let me pick up at lunchtime

But it's his contact week, so he has every right to use childcare when he works just as you do.

It could also be avoided if you worked more, twenty hours is barely anything especially when you have a child to provide for and have two weeks child free time a month.

You're blaming him but he doing more hours and providing for his child, how is that wrong?

Kaykay06 · 26/06/2018 19:17

Just pay for what you use whilst you’re at work he can sort whatever childcare he needs over and above this. I wouldn’t pay 50/50 or help him out he wanted your child half the time so he should’ve thought of this in advance or been mature enough to negotiate with you like a parent instead of a silly wee boy who is hell bent on making our life shit. Shows he’s not thought of the implications of 50-50 care of your child, wonder how long it’ll last when he’s doing it every day.

Hope you get something sorted but on your terms not his, he’s full time and hed be paying if you were both together so it’s not just your responsibility op

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 26/06/2018 19:20

Boxsetsandpopcorn, I am full time at present. I work in school.
Due to budget cuts I have had my hours cut down to 20 from September.
It’s not through choice.

OP posts:
Spanglyprincess1 · 26/06/2018 19:23

Not point of post but the universal credit system seems very unfair on parents who have 50:50 custody so both have equal costs for a child.
I can't really understand why he won't let you have children for pick ups on his days seems like a no brained as saves everyone cash - provided you don't mind!

LittleOwl153 · 26/06/2018 19:40

So for the next 5 (ish?) weeks UC covers the nursery bill and she needs to be there full time as you both work full time? If the shortfall in UC for nursery is not much I would say that you will pay it provided that he does not try to claim for her in that period.

Does your contract change at the end of summer term or in Sept? If its tne end of term then I would assume that you do not need nursery as you will not be working though the summer? In which case he should arrange and pay for whatever he needs.

If your contract changes in Sept so your universal credit continues as is until then - then you could say that you will continue to pay the UC element provided he doesnt claim for her - but he will need to make up any shortfall.

You can claim UC for at least 1 month after your contract ends/changes anyway I believe - so that might help in transition.