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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying for childcare

154 replies

Coulditbeme · 20/06/2018 22:49

Ex has taken me to court and got 50/50 shared care of our 3 year old.
Child currently in full time childcare which I currently pay for and claim back costs via UC.
He pays me maintenance but this will now stop due to the new 50/50 arrangement.
I work part time and he works full time so on the weeks I have the child I will only need part time childcare whereas on the weeks he has the child he will still need full time childcare.
What happens now?
UC won’t let me claim full time childcare costs if I only work part time so aibu to think he should be paying for the childcare on his weeks?

OP posts:
SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 20:38

But then the OP would see her son even less @Zampa

outofmydepth45 · 21/06/2018 20:40

Just sort child care for your time, his time is his own to sort.

Zampa · 21/06/2018 20:42

I think your idea is great @SugarIsAmazing and one the ex should utilise, maybe even making a "voluntary" maintenance payment to cover OP's costs. But he might also be a silly sod who doesn't want OP around during his week.

insancerre · 21/06/2018 20:44

The nursery probably won't issue 2 invoices
They probably won't offer different sessions each week

TroubledLichen · 21/06/2018 20:46

I see your predicament, but your ex is the one who needs more childcare and this is his problem to solve. However, I basically see two solutions:

Your DS is enrolled full time at nursery, since they won’t allow him to chop/change his hours every other week your ex pays 50% of the cost during your weeks which on monthly basis would mean him paying three quarters of the bill. This seems fair as it’s his work schedule that means your DS needs to be enrolled full time but speak to your solicitor to see about going back to court to get this agreed legally.

Or keep your son enrolled at nursery mornings only and you offer to be your ex’s PM childcare.

Allthewaves · 21/06/2018 20:48

In your situation I'd offer to have dc when he's working. I'd rather have dc with me than in ft nursery even if it's doing ex a favour as such

Invisimamma · 21/06/2018 20:54

You pay for your mornings only, on your weeks and he pays for his full days on his weeks, plus a retainer to keep the place open.

For example my Nursery charge are £25 for half day, so let’s go with that. You pay £125 per week (5xmornings), on your weeks only.

Ex pays for full days £50 per day, on his weeks so £250 per week. But he’ll probably need to pay a retainer to keep the space open on the afternoons you don’t need, so an additional £125 for two weeks of the month.

So monthly:
You pay 2 weeks mornings only = £250
Ex pays 2 weeks full days £500 + two weeks additional retainer £250 = £750

Does that make sense? Confused get Nursery to issue separate invoices.

SugarIsAmazing · 21/06/2018 20:59

I agree with @Allthewaves. I couldn't bear knowing my son was in nursery ft if I was home.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 21/06/2018 21:04

I'd go back to the courts and explain due this new arrangement, more childcare is needed and he should pay the extra days as he changed the custody agreement and now you don't get maintenance

The courts are not able to make child arrangement orders that deal with finances. The two,issues are entirely separate.

Ask the nursery to bill him for his weeks and you for your weeks

The nursery is a business that wants its money. If one half doesn’t pay, it is highly unlikely the child will be allowed to continue until debts are paid.

The decision to make 50/50 without putting place proper legislation to protect both parents financially was a ridiculous one. What happens - and I am living this - is one parent pays for everything whilst the other gets away with 7/14 breakfasts and evening meals and sod all else.

Invisimamma · 21/06/2018 21:05

It’s not fair to say ‘you just take him in the afternoons’ as Op might not have this option. The shared care is court ordered, so not an amicable give and take agreement, even if she could have him in the afternoons likelihood is that ex wouldn’t allow it on ‘his’ time Sad. (Correct me if I’m wrong op)

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 25/06/2018 09:08

Unfortunately, you’re not wrong, Invisimamma.
I have offered to collect our child from childcare at lunchtime on my weeks and his but he refused ☹️
He says I can do what I like on my weeks but he wants our child in full time childcare on his weeks.

It’s very upsetting that I will be at home in the afternoons, perfectly willing and able to look after my own child yet she will be in full time childcare every other week when there’s no need to be, simply because it seems he can’t bear for me to have time with her on his weeks!
So selfish! Not putting the child first at all!

I don’t know if childcare will agree to this situation - full time one week and part time the next!
It will be confusing for the child and not good business practise for them I expect!
I will have to speak to them this week.

Family court have a lot to answer to, making these orders whilst failing to take such a lot into consideration.

OP posts:
PotatoesDieInHotCars · 25/06/2018 09:32

You keep paying for the part-time hours and let him sort out the rest. Think of it as what you need during your weeks and a retainer for when the ex cant have DD/has a work thing/drops dead etc.

I very much doubt the nursery will let him only pay for afternoons on his weeks which means you can take advantage of it during your weeks for appointments or other tasks that will be so much easier without a kiddie in tow. Or if they are actually that flexible then you'll only need to pay for your mornings. Fuck him.

Keep your chin up. Don't let him know he gets to you.

Dixiechickonhols · 25/06/2018 09:51

Why are you speaking to nursery? You only need mornings so nothing to change from your point of view. Let dad speak to them. It is his problem to sort. I cannot see the nursery agreeing to full time hours only every fortnight. Faced with him having to pay for afternoons on your week to keep the place or having to sort a childminder to collect at lunchtime again who will want payment every week to keep the slot I bet he relents over you having dc on his afternoons.

Invisimamma · 25/06/2018 11:25

Don’t speak to the Nursery on his behalf, just stick with your morning only and get him to pay the bill for his half. How he sorts childcare on his afternoons is up to him now.

PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock · 25/06/2018 11:45

If he wants your son in full time childcare on his weeks, that's hardly for you to organise is it? His problem. You already have it covered for your days. You've offered to assist, he doesn't want that, ok. He sorts it then.

WowLookAtYou · 25/06/2018 12:59

Call me a cynic, but I can't see this bloke agreeing to pay for the afternoons on the OP's week's on a retainer basis. I suspect he'll try to up her hours to full-time to cover his weeks, and let the OP cop for the extra on her weeks.

Dermymc · 25/06/2018 13:05

He's a prize twat.

I'd send a message along the lines of "I'm now paying for Mon to Fri for mornings on my weeks when I need childcare. You need to arrange the rest yourself".

InDubiousBattle · 25/06/2018 13:06

Let him deal with his childcare problem. You don't have one, you need nursery 5 mornings a week and you have nursery 5 mornings a week. He is being a total arsehole having his dd in nursery when she could be at home with you, at the very least he should have to pay for it.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 25/06/2018 13:09

I do think you need to speak to nursery and I can see that they might struggle to accept mornings one week and full days another week, unless they are not full in the afternoons and this is an increase in business for them that they would not otherwise have. ie if they have lots of mornings only children and not so many in the afternoons.

As I am sure you have also worked out, you will have to negotiate with your ex and the nursery to ensure that you are only responsible and paying for the weeks where you are RP. I can see how thins might be tricky, Good luck xx

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2018 13:21

You sort and pay for the childcare you need and let him do the same.

Metoodear · 25/06/2018 13:43

Jeezoh

Yes please don’t pay for the childcare he wanted this why on earth the judge would do this is beyond me surely if you worked two days a week then it would make more sense for him to have lo the other 3 days when your not working

Metoodear · 25/06/2018 13:45

ForgivenessIsDivine

Oh and let him sort things with the Nursey I would book the days you need and send him a email explaining he will need to go in a sort any new arrangement with them and if they won’t accommodate then I guess he will need to
Find childcare for the week he’s at work
Good luck

Original poster
Coulditbeme · 25/06/2018 14:35

Just had another thought - our child is 3 now so will she be entitled to 30 free hours in September?
I won’t be entitled to claim it as I won’t be working 30 hours but would he be entitled to claim it for her?
If so then if childcare provider agrees then I could pick up at lunchtime on my weeks and he would still be covered for full time in his weeks? Anything not covered he’d have to pay of course wouldn’t he?
Maybe childcare provider would be ok with that if they’re not going to be losing money?
What do you think?

OP posts:
waterrat · 25/06/2018 14:43

It beggars belief that a court would order a situation where a child will be in childcare rather than with their own mother who is offering to have the child.

Is there a right of appeal?

How can it be legally right that you aren't allowed to just go at lunchtime pick up and take your child? If the father is not there and not looking after the child surely you hve the right to collect?

what a cunt. sorry you are in this situation OP - I would fight on for the right to collect and be the childcare if I was in your shoes

As you mention the 30 hours - yes, presumably the father can apply for 30 hours and then you collect early on your days?

Was this situation brought up in court?

waterrat · 25/06/2018 14:44

Is there a relative/ friend who could mediate and suggest that you are the childcare in the afternoons and the child goes with Dad at the end of the day during Dads week?