AIBU to hate hen weekends?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

When I got married, I had a hen night. To be honest, I hated every minute of it and only had it to pacify my DM. A friend is having a hen 'weekend' (why has it become a whole weekend?!!) 3 hours away. To join in the Friday night, I would need to leave by lunchtime which I can't do as I have no annual leave or childcare. The Saturday morning involves a hungover brunch so to join that would have to leave the house by 7am at the latest. I agreed that I would go to the afternoon activity because I felt guilty, but it means that I will spend at least 6 hours driving for an hour and a half activity and take a packed lunch to eat on the way because they're obviously not having lunch. AIBU after a busy working week to just want to spend the weekend with my kids rather than a load of people I don't know?

[BlondeSea]

YANBU one friend of mine had a hen weekend organised by her sister. Cost a fortune for one night in the UK and I knew no one except the hen. Bride paid for by all of us. I felt totally obliged as bride would say how close we were etc etc. Not long after it was my hen- one night in UK which I didn't really want but paid for myself. The same girl told me she couldn't go as she might be having a meal with her sister that day. I pulled her on the hypocrisy of it and she did come. I don't think anyone enjoyed either of the hen nights.

Later on the bride was moaning about another hen do she had been invited on saying it was too expensive- luckily the bride for this one told the bride that hers was £500 for one night in the UK so at least she got told!

I have just refused to go to one at the other end of the country- the bride was totally fine.

[Motoko]

I asked for mine to be just an afternoon activity and a meal in evening which people could come to both or either but I get the impression that it has turned into a full weekend despite this so it’s not always the bride instigating these things.

Err, you're the bride, tell them that if they're organising something that isn't what you want, to stop it, or you won't be going.

Scribblegirl Oh yes, I agree. It's also OP's fault for not just saying no and sticking to it.

So many people who have trouble being assertive, and then complain about it.

[Bowlofbabelfish]

Yanbu

The only nice ones I’ve been on are the low key ‘meal and a few drinks somewhere nice’ ones. Oh and one where we all rented a cottage in the highlands, hiked, cooked nice food, drank nice wine and just chilled out with a trip to the hydro on the way back. That was lovely.

The one where strippers turned up and groped me was not

[expatinscotland]

'expat - read the first line of the OP wink'

She had a hen night, and even if her mate went along to that, that doesn't need the OP is beholden to go to this thing.

'It's not just Hens parties. Every celebration nowadays seems to be blown out of all proportion and has to be a big event.'

Oh, yeah, the 'milestone birthday', in which the person expects others to stump up big bucks. I think, what are you, 16?

'At first i was flattered! but then i was told it would cost me around £300+ all in... and then i found out that i wasnt even invited to the ceremony, only the evening party?? '

This, too. Usually done to fill places if others have pulled out. So not only are you b-list for the wedding but the hen thing as well, except when it comes to your purse, that's always fair game.

[Lottapianos]

'Every celebration nowadays seems to be blown out of all proportion and has to be a big event.''

Totally agree. Some people seem to take every opportunity to act like J-Lo and expecting the world to revolve around them. It's all a bit cringe really

[ResistanceIsNecessary]

I don't get it. I had a hen do, which was a night out in town complete with a comedy veil and sash. Not really any different to a normal Saturday night and everyone made their own way to and from it. No aggro, no angst, no special outfits or themes - just an evening getting a bit drunk and having a laugh with friends.

If you're all in the fortunate position of money being no object, then by all means go for the full week in Vegas scenario. But most people aren't in that position and it turns into a nasty case of emotional blackmail.

[BigSandyBalls2015]

It's not a new thing to have a weekend away for a hen do - I got married in 1996 and hired a big old house in Devon with 10 mates Fri to Mon (we're in London). Didn't cost a fortune though as it was out of season and we all took food/booze etc.

[watchingwithinterest]

Apologise and back out nicely.

It sounds ghastly and not worth the six hour drive and ruined weekend, she will have a great time with the other young hens. Leave them to have fun and you can relax at home.

[JustKeepStumbling]

Motoko it’s a bit hard to know what’s going on when it’s meant to be a surprise!

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

I have a dear friend who is part of a friendship group who have literally eaten away every bit of annual leave & spare income she has. All this group seemed to get married in the last year or so, & EVERY single one of them had at least a full weekend away for their hen do. Most of the weddings were abroad too. And of course, if you go to one you have to go to all of them! Then all the fucking whatsapp groups with a million people in! One couple is actually arranging for 'the group' to all go away together THE DAY AFTER the wedding ! No husband & wife time then?!
She said she cant wait for it to all be over.. not likely, they will all want the same palaver when they all start having kids!
Its been draining to watch to be honest.
Tell you what if I ever get married, Im just fucking off to Gretna Green & be done with it

[Lottapianos]

'Tell you what if I ever get married, Im just fucking off to Gretna Green & be done with it'

Same here. No fuss, tell only a few people. Job done #romantic

[DGRossetti]

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/224edd0e-e93e-407a-8642-323b61e2d648

[feska5]

Can’t think of anything worse ! Politely explain that after much consideration the timings just can’t work for you. You will feel relieved once you do.

[ForalltheSaints]

The OP is not being unreasonable. I have heard of some horrific tales of the scale and expense of hen weekends.

[ThistleAmore]

Apart from the fact that hen parties are just vile, I don't get this thing of expecting people to pay to attend a celebration you've decided on.

If I throw a (formal/'proper') party (as opposed to a casual BBQ or night in), I will pay for people's food and drink and entertainment, if they come, because it's my party, and I've asked them to come presumably because I like them and want them to have a nice time. If they decide not to come, fine.

I'm not running a bloody nightclub with door charges.

[Motoko]

Motoko it’s a bit hard to know what’s going on when it’s meant to be a surprise!

Well, I understand that, so you need to reiterate your wishes in the strongest terms.

[divafever99]

I've recently turned down a hen weekend that was abroad. Just couldn't afford it along with all the other wedding associated costs. Didn't want to leave my small dc for several days either. I'm sure your friend will understand.

[Iseveryusernametaken]

Scribblegirl

I don't have any issue with them having the weekend. When I said on numerous occasions that I wouldn't be able to go, I'd just rather it was accepted instead of spending months on a guilt trip and end up with this compromise. I can't be that rude to say that I just don't want to go.

expatinscotland

I was married, I referenced my ExH. It was a long time ago I've been divorced for almost the same amount of time as I've known the B2B. I've been with my DP for a few years now. Incidentally, the B2B was barely in high school when I had my hen do and I didn't know her then.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Op if they are guilt tripping you then they are being rude.

Tell them you have a blanket ban on all hen do's more than an hour away / over a certain budget or whatever, as cumulatively over the year the affect on your finances & time spend with your children is affected too much. Anyone that still tries to guilt you after that is a dick who doesnt deserve your friendship.

[Iseveryusernametaken]

letsallhaveanap

Just to clarify, I didn't make a sweeping generalisation that all hen do's are shit. My question was AIBU to hate them. I appreciate that some people love them. A girly weekend with your mates in your 20's is a lot different in 30's and 40's when you know you have a washing/ironing/cleaning mountain to come back to along with homework, reading and packed lunches.

[butlerswharf]

I hate them and don't go to any of them!

[MuddlingThrough1724]

YANBU in the slightest. Hate Hen Dos!

[Findingdotty]

At the end of the day it comes down to what or who is the most important in your life. I would assume your DP and DD would come out top so then prioritise them and don’t go. Your attendance at the hen do really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

[MumofBoysx2]

If it were me I'd go for the brunch thing - early start means the traffic should be lighter, so maybe not quite such strenuous driving.

[MistressDeeCee]

Just skip itm

You can't go to many Hen parties anyway surely..how many friends do you have?!