AIBU to hate hen weekends?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

When I got married, I had a hen night. To be honest, I hated every minute of it and only had it to pacify my DM. A friend is having a hen 'weekend' (why has it become a whole weekend?!!) 3 hours away. To join in the Friday night, I would need to leave by lunchtime which I can't do as I have no annual leave or childcare. The Saturday morning involves a hungover brunch so to join that would have to leave the house by 7am at the latest. I agreed that I would go to the afternoon activity because I felt guilty, but it means that I will spend at least 6 hours driving for an hour and a half activity and take a packed lunch to eat on the way because they're obviously not having lunch. AIBU after a busy working week to just want to spend the weekend with my kids rather than a load of people I don't know?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

mikulkin

I think you misunderstood. I don't have childcare for the Friday as DP would be at work until the evening. With the best will in the world, and discounting Friday night traffic, the earliest that I could arrive would be 10pm (not taking into account dropping car off at accommodation and getting a taxi to the location). Therefore missing the Friday night activity.

[mikulkin]

YOu started with saying you are divorced and don’t have childcare, but turns out you have DP who is happy to look after your child, so don’t blame your circumstances. If you are close friends you are being unreasonable, sorry

[Scribblegirl]

Completely agree with @margaretcavendish and @thecatsthecats.

[MargaretCavendish]

Someone said that hen dos can be a bell curve - big and extravagant when the first Maid of Honour gets over excited and tries to do fucking everything. The when everyone's been on a few, they start to tone them down because people who are already married/having kids decide they aren't a priority.

Yes, I absolutely agree with it. I just feel like some of my friends decided that they should be 'done' with weddings/hen dos once they personally were done with theirs. Similarly, when they had small babies all social occasions had to be in the day and baby-friendly, but they're getting less keen on that now theirs are bigger, and the weekend day times have been deemed sacrosanct 'family time'. I understand that people's lives change, but it is really self-centred to decide that everyone should be 'done' with the wedding or baby stage and over it once it's no longer where you, personally are at.

[thecatsthecats]

MargaretCavendish

I agree with every word. My friends are scattered to the corners of England and Wales. There's no such thing as a no-travel option!

I also think the 'holiday abroad' type hen do can work, and not really be an extravagance. My friend has a group of five friends who regularly go on girls' breaks abroad, and occasionally that year's break is co-opted as a hen/30th/whatever. It basically means a special night and treats for the bride in their usual holiday. If you're the kind of person who does that sort of thing, it's not an extravagance, it's normal.

(mind you, the same friend tried to extend the whole concept to her friends outside of the group, and we did not take it well - £600 minimum!)

Someone said that hen dos can be a bell curve - big and extravagant when the first Maid of Honour gets over excited and tries to do fucking everything. The when everyone's been on a few, they start to tone them down because people who are already married/having kids decide they aren't a priority.

I sometimes wonder if they're the same people who whinge about friends not being interested in their children, whilst simultaneously refusing to do anything away from them to show an interest in the other person's life...

(not aimed at you OP - just these things are often complained about in a very one-sided fashion)

[MargaretCavendish]

Of course YANBU to not go to this hen do, which sounds like it just doesn't work for you logistically.

I have actually rather enjoyed every hen do I've ever been on - but then I've turned down the ones that were clearly going to be madly expensive, or completely impractical for me. I don't find that there are many occasions now where it's possible to get a big group of friends together, so it feels like a precious thing when we do have such an occasion. I also think the 'why not just have a night out in your local?' only really works if you have a very 'local' life where your friends all grew up together and live in the same town - and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not the lives of anyone I know.

What does really annoy me is women who had their own big hen dos and weddings in their 20s, before kids, but then decide they're over them in their 30s - like now 'their turn' is over, it's no longer important. It doesn't apply to me personally (I got married at 28) but it does seem a really common attitude and it makes me a bit sad for people who get married later and get treated like it's somehow less of a big deal.

[Adversecamber22]

Back in my day they were mainly an evening event.

I had my hen dinner in a nice bistro plus drinks and clubbing afterwards, I let it be known that people were welcome to just come along to the parts they wanted to. This is twenty years ago and three did come along for dinner only, two couldn't make it and paid for some champagne as a surprise at the restaurant which I always thought was really sweet. i also won a huge bottle of champagne in a karaoke sing off with another hen in a bar, very good times.

[Jenasaurus]

What is this thing you call a hen do? I am 53 and have never been to one, I almost went to my sisters but decided to give birth instead that night. I never got married so didn't have one myself and all my friends are either living in sin or didn't like me enough to invite me, by the sound of it I haven't missed much and am richer for it :)

[MistressDeeCee]

Just skip itm

You can't go to many Hen parties anyway surely..how many friends do you have?!

[MumofBoysx2]

If it were me I'd go for the brunch thing - early start means the traffic should be lighter, so maybe not quite such strenuous driving.

[Findingdotty]

At the end of the day it comes down to what or who is the most important in your life. I would assume your DP and DD would come out top so then prioritise them and don’t go. Your attendance at the hen do really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

[MuddlingThrough1724]

YANBU in the slightest. Hate Hen Dos!

[butlerswharf]

I hate them and don't go to any of them!

[Iseveryusernametaken]

letsallhaveanap

Just to clarify, I didn't make a sweeping generalisation that all hen do's are shit. My question was AIBU to hate them. I appreciate that some people love them. A girly weekend with your mates in your 20's is a lot different in 30's and 40's when you know you have a washing/ironing/cleaning mountain to come back to along with homework, reading and packed lunches.

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

Op if they are guilt tripping you then they are being rude.

Tell them you have a blanket ban on all hen do's more than an hour away / over a certain budget or whatever, as cumulatively over the year the affect on your finances & time spend with your children is affected too much. Anyone that still tries to guilt you after that is a dick who doesnt deserve your friendship.

[Iseveryusernametaken]

Scribblegirl

I don't have any issue with them having the weekend. When I said on numerous occasions that I wouldn't be able to go, I'd just rather it was accepted instead of spending months on a guilt trip and end up with this compromise. I can't be that rude to say that I just don't want to go.

expatinscotland

I was married, I referenced my ExH. It was a long time ago I've been divorced for almost the same amount of time as I've known the B2B. I've been with my DP for a few years now. Incidentally, the B2B was barely in high school when I had my hen do and I didn't know her then.

[divafever99]

I've recently turned down a hen weekend that was abroad. Just couldn't afford it along with all the other wedding associated costs. Didn't want to leave my small dc for several days either. I'm sure your friend will understand.

[Motoko]

Motoko it’s a bit hard to know what’s going on when it’s meant to be a surprise!

Well, I understand that, so you need to reiterate your wishes in the strongest terms.

[ThistleAmore]

Apart from the fact that hen parties are just vile, I don't get this thing of expecting people to pay to attend a celebration you've decided on.

If I throw a (formal/'proper') party (as opposed to a casual BBQ or night in), I will pay for people's food and drink and entertainment, if they come, because it's my party, and I've asked them to come presumably because I like them and want them to have a nice time. If they decide not to come, fine.

I'm not running a bloody nightclub with door charges.

[ForalltheSaints]

The OP is not being unreasonable. I have heard of some horrific tales of the scale and expense of hen weekends.

[feska5]

Can’t think of anything worse ! Politely explain that after much consideration the timings just can’t work for you. You will feel relieved once you do.

[DGRossetti]

www.bbc.co.uk/bbcthree/article/224edd0e-e93e-407a-8642-323b61e2d648

[Lottapianos]

'Tell you what if I ever get married, Im just fucking off to Gretna Green & be done with it'

Same here. No fuss, tell only a few people. Job done #romantic

[Wavescrashingonthebeach]

I have a dear friend who is part of a friendship group who have literally eaten away every bit of annual leave & spare income she has. All this group seemed to get married in the last year or so, & EVERY single one of them had at least a full weekend away for their hen do. Most of the weddings were abroad too. And of course, if you go to one you have to go to all of them! Then all the fucking whatsapp groups with a million people in! One couple is actually arranging for 'the group' to all go away together THE DAY AFTER the wedding ! No husband & wife time then?!
She said she cant wait for it to all be over.. not likely, they will all want the same palaver when they all start having kids!
Its been draining to watch to be honest.
Tell you what if I ever get married, Im just fucking off to Gretna Green & be done with it

[JustKeepStumbling]

Motoko it’s a bit hard to know what’s going on when it’s meant to be a surprise!