AIBU to hate hen weekends?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

When I got married, I had a hen night. To be honest, I hated every minute of it and only had it to pacify my DM. A friend is having a hen 'weekend' (why has it become a whole weekend?!!) 3 hours away. To join in the Friday night, I would need to leave by lunchtime which I can't do as I have no annual leave or childcare. The Saturday morning involves a hungover brunch so to join that would have to leave the house by 7am at the latest. I agreed that I would go to the afternoon activity because I felt guilty, but it means that I will spend at least 6 hours driving for an hour and a half activity and take a packed lunch to eat on the way because they're obviously not having lunch. AIBU after a busy working week to just want to spend the weekend with my kids rather than a load of people I don't know?

[expatinscotland]

'I've just been railroaded into one that started off as spa day into a full weekend.
I've stated how much I can afford to spend of the hen do but moh STILL wants more.
Wedding is not local so I've already got 2 nights booked in a hotel which could of been spent on the hen do.'


See, I don't get this! Just pull out! Say NO. The reason these things have got so out of control is because people are too spineless to decline. 'Sorry, I can no longer attend so I need to make my apologies.'

[Scribblegirl]

Exactly, expat. Maybe hen dos wouldn’t get such a bad press if people were willing to say no rather than just seething with resentment.

I can’t imagine anything more awful as a hen than having friends there who clearly didn’t want to be, so I don’t think it can be phrased as not wanting to disappoint their friend...

[user1486915549]

Conversations I have in real life , and hundreds of threads on MN , suggest that people really don’t want to go to these self indulgent over long and expensive hen weekends
So just he honest and decline the invitation. If more people said no perhaps they wouldn’t be getting so out of hand.

[MidnightAura]

I hate them. I wasn’t even a fan of my own hen night which was local and just a night out. I don’t drink so a lot of it wasn’t for me.

But I know a bride recently who had two hen nights, one a full weekend abroad and another full night on the town locally.

Don’t go if you don’t want too!

[laurG]

The care for stag and hen weekends needs to come to an end. We live in s time where young people don’t have any money or savings. The last thing they need is to spend £100s per hen night and whatever it costs to go to the destination wedding.

It is absolutely rediculous. Plus it doesn’t seem like people actually enjoy going to them.

[NomNomNomNom]

YANBU. I think if I'd had a big hen weekend (I didn't) I'd feel obliged to go to my friends' but since you didn't I think you shouldn't feel too guilty about skipping this one. Surely that's the risk you take when you organise something so far away?

[Whipsmart]

I'm really liking the idea of not going to ANY hen dos ever again but instead, as a pp suggested, taking the bride out for a meal. That way you get to look like a committed friend who just happened to be regretfully unavailable for the hen do. You get to spend an evening with the person you're actually friends with and even if it's a expensive meal it'll still be a fraction of the cost of a hen do with all the dreaded last minute add-ons.

[Merryoldgoat]

I don’t hate hen dos - I hate ‘weekends’ and ‘themes’ and demands for masses of cash without any agreements.

Mine was local, one afternoon/evening, I provided all the food and it cost each hen around £40 all in.

I recently arranged one which was a day - activity, cocktails, food, bar. Everyone was given the costs up front, the option of attending any single part and I said the whole day won’t cost more than £100 which it didn’t. It was local and within easy public transport. No one was made to feel shitty for not coming or partaking.

They should be easy - they of course might not be your entire cup of tea, but it’s easier to suck it up if it’s easy to get to/from and doesn’t bankrupt you.

[MinesaPinot]

YANBU. I only had one 22 years ago under sufferance, and even then it was just drinks and dinner.

As for this craze about long weekends abroad, where did that come from. Listening to some of the young things in work, it seems that some of these hen/stag weekends end up costing as much as a two week holiday!

[letsallhaveanap]

YABU its only some elements of a hen weekend you hate... and if you dont want to go to it all or even any of it just dont!
I loved my own hen do... but ive been to some I absolutely hated... once went to one with a male stripper and the bride was so mortified she ran off crying!

My own was great because I arranged it... was just one night out in the city with a stay at a boutique hotel (which was super cheap as I knew someone who worked there) Made sure I and anyone who wanted one, had their own rooms as well so that people could go to bed when they wanted if they werent up for staying out as late.
Had a lovely cream tea in the afternoon before going out to some cocktail bars. There were only 9 of us and we had a great time! The only stupid hen night thing we did was that I wore a 'bride to be sash' that was literally it! And I had a baby at the time whom my fiance was looking after for the night.

I dont get the whole weekends away as women are marrying later now and so people will have kids etc... not many people are up for entire weekends of leaving their kids, or have the means to leave their kids for an entire weekend... and 3 hours away! that is a bit much and like you I probably wouldnt be able to go... id make the effort for one night if it were a close friend but I doubt id get out to a whole weekend

but YABU to say hen nights in general are all shite because I think if they are kept simple and affordable for everyone they can be really fun

[user1485342611]

YANBU. I think Hen nights have developed in the same way as weddings and have now become long drawn out, expensive and time consuming affairs that many of the invitees really don't want to attend.

They've also turned into loud, drunken affairs that impact negatively on other visitors to a venue or hotel.

[Motoko]

The thing is Scribblegirl OP is being pressured to go.

OP, don't go. It's ridiculous to spend 6 hours driving to do an activity that lasts 1.5 hours. I just don't understand why you're even considering going. If the bride really is lovely, then she would understand why you can't go, she wouldn't be pressuring you. If it's others pressuring you, then ignore them.

[RedPanda2]

I love hen dos but I wouldn't go to one three hours away unless it was abroad.

[BarbedBloom]

I don’t tend to go to them to be honest. I don’t drink, which some hens sometimes make an issue of and usually don’t have the money to spend on weekends away while trying to save for a house. I didn’t have a hen night myself because I didn’t really fancy it.

I would skip it personally given the amount of time it will take to get there for one activity, but it depends how you think the bride will take it

[Koisuru]

I was recently invited to a work colleague's 3 'hen events'. First a spa weekend, then a night out with a meal and then finally, an afternoon tea!! To make it worse, the bride expected the rest of us to pay for her for all 3 events - the bloody cheek of it.

Why can't people just go out for a nice meal and then head home afterwards?

[RachelfromFriends]

Hate them. Had to have a word with a very good friend who was planning hers. She told me she wanted it in London, hire a limo, go to an exclusive cocktail bar then all stay in luxury hotel and next day have treatments in the hotel spa.

She has no money, her friends live all over the uk and she hadn't realised she would be asking people to spend £500+ in 24 hours. No one would have been able to afford it and would have been disappointing and awkward.

[Sweetpea55]

Do you think friends feel pressured by CB on a bullying level? "
On MN people seem quite unhappy about weekends away etc and being told, 'we are doing x y or Z you need to pay£xxx
It reminds me of a GP I worked for. There was only 4 staff and one was his wife who loved to get away from him for a weekend
I absolutely hated it. The weekend was orchestrated by GP, s wife so we all had to what she wanted. Worse part was my DP worked away all week so weekends were precious. I couldn't make them see that as their blokes were at home all week and they just wanted to have a break.
Im not so lily livered now. If I don't want to do it then I dont

[thecatsthecats]

expat - read the first line of the OP

Yeah, I agree that if some people didn't treat them as mandatory then there wouldn't be such a kerfuffle about them.

I have three friend groups - two tend to organise events in the £100-£120 range for an entire weekend including food, activities and a fair bit of drink, which are usually a right laugh, and are flexible and mindful of people only attending parts etc. The last group tend to organise £250 before drinks out/travel type affairs FOR PRACTICALLY THE SAME ITINERARY AS THE CHEAPER ONES and are generally shit to be at.

I have a bridesmaid from a good group and a bridesmaid from the bad group - I had to firmly lay down the lines that option A was preferred.

[AnonyMousee]

ive never been to one, but i once got invited to one, another weekend like yours. At first i was flattered! but then i was told it would cost me around £300+ all in... and then i found out that i wasnt even invited to the ceremony, only the evening party?? bit cheeky to expect me to pay all of that money and take time off work (was a weekend worker at the time) and i dont even get to see them get married!

I politely declined LOL
when i have a hen do, it will be a nice and easy meal and cocktails evening out, no pressure and cheaper.

[Thebearsbunny]

Hate, hate, hate them.

I was recently invited to a relatives hen do’s. A weekend away in a very expensive city, a meal out and drinks in a local town, a spa weekend (bridesmaids only thankfully), then a wedding shower the weekend before the wedding.

I have also almost fallen out with a friend who had a full month of activities (including a weekend away) for a significant birthday.

Why, just why?

[user1485342611]

It's not just Hens parties. Every celebration nowadays seems to be blown out of all proportion and has to be a big event.

I remember, a few weeks after my father died, a friend excitedly asking me if I was having a party for my forthcoming big birthday. It's like everything has to be marked by some big public event. Quiet family celebrations just don't cut it anymore.

[JustKeepStumbling]

I asked for mine to be just an afternoon activity and a meal in evening which people could come to both or either but I get the impression that it has turned into a full weekend despite this so it’s not always the bride instigating these things. The reason I asked for just a day thing was because of all of the reasons stated above; money/childcare issues etc. And weekend time is limited and precious and I don’t expect people to give up 2-3 days for me. I’ve had to not go to things before as simply couldn’t afford it so am very aware of the pressures on people and I can’t believe the amount of hen dos I see discussed on wedding pages where people are off to Marbella or wherever!

[DarlingNikita]

If she's a dear friend, explain to her what you have to us (and maybe she knows quite a bit about your circumstances/work patterns etc anyway?).

Be apologetic but be clear that the logistics just can't be made to work. Tell her you'll take her to dinner at her favourite restaurant/afternoon tea at a nice hotel/whatever her favourite thing to do is instead.

[Scribblegirl]

Motoko, surely in that case it's not the hen do that's the problem, but the group of friends? It would be equally appalling if it were a group holiday, birthday party or similar that she was being pressured into. The problem isn't the hen do, it's the "friends".

[Honeyroar]

If I were you, and the hens were already making you feel guilty because you're not able to drop everything and fit in it would make me even more determined not to go!

I would put £30 in an envelope for a few of cocktails for the bride and tell her you can't go, she's will still have a good time. A real friend wouldn't expect you to travel all that way to sit and watch her and her friends get pissed.