AIBU to hate hen weekends?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

When I got married, I had a hen night. To be honest, I hated every minute of it and only had it to pacify my DM. A friend is having a hen 'weekend' (why has it become a whole weekend?!!) 3 hours away. To join in the Friday night, I would need to leave by lunchtime which I can't do as I have no annual leave or childcare. The Saturday morning involves a hungover brunch so to join that would have to leave the house by 7am at the latest. I agreed that I would go to the afternoon activity because I felt guilty, but it means that I will spend at least 6 hours driving for an hour and a half activity and take a packed lunch to eat on the way because they're obviously not having lunch. AIBU after a busy working week to just want to spend the weekend with my kids rather than a load of people I don't know?

[Jenasaurus]

What is this thing you call a hen do? I am 53 and have never been to one, I almost went to my sisters but decided to give birth instead that night. I never got married so didn't have one myself and all my friends are either living in sin or didn't like me enough to invite me, by the sound of it I haven't missed much and am richer for it :)

[Adversecamber22]

Back in my day they were mainly an evening event.

I had my hen dinner in a nice bistro plus drinks and clubbing afterwards, I let it be known that people were welcome to just come along to the parts they wanted to. This is twenty years ago and three did come along for dinner only, two couldn't make it and paid for some champagne as a surprise at the restaurant which I always thought was really sweet. i also won a huge bottle of champagne in a karaoke sing off with another hen in a bar, very good times.

[MargaretCavendish]

Of course YANBU to not go to this hen do, which sounds like it just doesn't work for you logistically.

I have actually rather enjoyed every hen do I've ever been on - but then I've turned down the ones that were clearly going to be madly expensive, or completely impractical for me. I don't find that there are many occasions now where it's possible to get a big group of friends together, so it feels like a precious thing when we do have such an occasion. I also think the 'why not just have a night out in your local?' only really works if you have a very 'local' life where your friends all grew up together and live in the same town - and there's nothing wrong with that, but it's not the lives of anyone I know.

What does really annoy me is women who had their own big hen dos and weddings in their 20s, before kids, but then decide they're over them in their 30s - like now 'their turn' is over, it's no longer important. It doesn't apply to me personally (I got married at 28) but it does seem a really common attitude and it makes me a bit sad for people who get married later and get treated like it's somehow less of a big deal.

[thecatsthecats]

MargaretCavendish

I agree with every word. My friends are scattered to the corners of England and Wales. There's no such thing as a no-travel option!

I also think the 'holiday abroad' type hen do can work, and not really be an extravagance. My friend has a group of five friends who regularly go on girls' breaks abroad, and occasionally that year's break is co-opted as a hen/30th/whatever. It basically means a special night and treats for the bride in their usual holiday. If you're the kind of person who does that sort of thing, it's not an extravagance, it's normal.

(mind you, the same friend tried to extend the whole concept to her friends outside of the group, and we did not take it well - £600 minimum!)

Someone said that hen dos can be a bell curve - big and extravagant when the first Maid of Honour gets over excited and tries to do fucking everything. The when everyone's been on a few, they start to tone them down because people who are already married/having kids decide they aren't a priority.

I sometimes wonder if they're the same people who whinge about friends not being interested in their children, whilst simultaneously refusing to do anything away from them to show an interest in the other person's life...

(not aimed at you OP - just these things are often complained about in a very one-sided fashion)

[MargaretCavendish]

Someone said that hen dos can be a bell curve - big and extravagant when the first Maid of Honour gets over excited and tries to do fucking everything. The when everyone's been on a few, they start to tone them down because people who are already married/having kids decide they aren't a priority.

Yes, I absolutely agree with it. I just feel like some of my friends decided that they should be 'done' with weddings/hen dos once they personally were done with theirs. Similarly, when they had small babies all social occasions had to be in the day and baby-friendly, but they're getting less keen on that now theirs are bigger, and the weekend day times have been deemed sacrosanct 'family time'. I understand that people's lives change, but it is really self-centred to decide that everyone should be 'done' with the wedding or baby stage and over it once it's no longer where you, personally are at.

[Scribblegirl]

Completely agree with @margaretcavendish and @thecatsthecats.

[mikulkin]

YOu started with saying you are divorced and don’t have childcare, but turns out you have DP who is happy to look after your child, so don’t blame your circumstances. If you are close friends you are being unreasonable, sorry

[Iseveryusernametaken]

mikulkin

I think you misunderstood. I don't have childcare for the Friday as DP would be at work until the evening. With the best will in the world, and discounting Friday night traffic, the earliest that I could arrive would be 10pm (not taking into account dropping car off at accommodation and getting a taxi to the location). Therefore missing the Friday night activity.