AIBU to hate hen weekends?

[Iseveryusernametaken]

When I got married, I had a hen night. To be honest, I hated every minute of it and only had it to pacify my DM. A friend is having a hen 'weekend' (why has it become a whole weekend?!!) 3 hours away. To join in the Friday night, I would need to leave by lunchtime which I can't do as I have no annual leave or childcare. The Saturday morning involves a hungover brunch so to join that would have to leave the house by 7am at the latest. I agreed that I would go to the afternoon activity because I felt guilty, but it means that I will spend at least 6 hours driving for an hour and a half activity and take a packed lunch to eat on the way because they're obviously not having lunch. AIBU after a busy working week to just want to spend the weekend with my kids rather than a load of people I don't know?

[UrsulaPandress]

I've never been on hen do. They weren't a 'thing' back in the day.

[StealthPolarBear]

Who are all these people who have hen dos since everyone seems to hate them?

[Madmarchpear]

Like baby showers they scream inflated ego and entitlement.
It's all for instagram. I've been on a couple where bored strangers sat around tapping on phones but to see the stuff posted to social media you'd think it was the party of the century.
I wouldn't go if I was you.

[bakingdemon]

Oh man, I totally agree with you OP. I don't really drink so find them pretty miserable. At my SIL's the other girls all went out to a club at midnight (starting a night out at midnight! I am too old for that) and I had to fight to get to stay in the rented house and go to sleep.

[StellaHeyStella]

I absolutely detest the outrageously expensive and time consuming monstrosity that hen dos have become. Back in my day we went out drinking round the local town, maybe a meal, a stripper and a learner sash for the bride to be. All a good old laugh and no one was left out due to financial or childcare issues.
If I was you op (which I know I'm not and I'm probably a lot older and grumpier than you) I wouldn't go to this hen do. You're not going to be able to join in with the cocktails as you're driving and presumably the afternoon activity will be a lot less fun if you're the only stone cold sober one. Six hour round trip on the same day? Sod that for a game of soldiers.
You have already used my go to phrase to extricate yourself from this one, I find it really handy in all manner of situations - 'My circumstances have changed so I will no longer be coming to this event'

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

I pulled out of a hen weekend like this. Started off as an afternoon activity (which I thought was a bit naff, but would have sucked up anyway) but it then developed into a full weekend, with hotel costs, food costs and other stuff.
I remember totting it up as I read the rather demanding email the self appointed chief bridesmaid had sent. It finished with a breezy "And don't forget money for booze!" which was the final straw for me.
Couldn't afford it. I was made to look like the bad guy.
My own hen was a quiet Virgin Vie party, held by a nice lady who didn't do a hard sell, and probably sold more stuff because she was so nice! I think we all spent about £10 each in total on that.
To be honest, I didn't really want anything, the stress of the wedding itself was enough.
In short, YANBU for pulling out.

[Jammycustard]

Don’t go.

[PositiveVibez]

I only go to very good friends he do's. Would never spend that much money on someone who I didn't truly love.

I didn't even go to my Sil's.

So the ones I have been one have been completely fab. Fab company, belly laughs (the kind that you can only have with people you have known for years) and well worth any sacrifices made.

[thecatsthecats]

I am 100% behind hen dos being scaled down, and I DO appreciate that you don't want to do this. But I have to ask...

You say the bride is lovely and a dear friend. Did she go to your hen do?

Because no matter how pared down or unshowy yours was, I bet she might have wanted to do something different, or not enjoyed meeting YOUR friends. It's not tit for tat - but I think it makes a difference. It would to me - I wouldn't feel happy about deciding my own day to day routine was more important than her hen do, when she chose the opposite.

I am having a weekend do myself, but I spend so much time traveling to hen dos, and to just see my friends, that my feet are planted firmly at home! Half the party are local, the other half can stay at my house.

[StealthPolarBear]

Yes I do find it strange how everyone hates others' hen dos but thinks all their friends really enjoyed theirs.
And I feel uncomfortable at suggestions of taking her out for a meal at another time. Just before your wedding is busy and stressful. The hen do is when the bride wants to get all her friends together and go out to celebrate. That's what she wants to do.

[expatinscotland]

'You say the bride is lovely and a dear friend. Did she go to your hen do?'

As she has a 'DP', she might not be married at all.

YANBU. Pull out.

WHY do they always have to be an entire weekend? That's just ridiculous self-indulgence. And then the bride expects to be paid for as well.

Fuck that.

[expatinscotland]

'Yes I do find it strange how everyone hates others' hen dos but thinks all their friends really enjoyed theirs.'

The same ones who have destination weddings or weddings in stately homes where guests have to pay top whack for accommodation and then say, 'Everyone says it was the best wedding they'd been to'. Sure they did.

[Tangled59]

At least you have kids to use as an excuse. Its worse when you dont have kids because then its like "but you have the money and time, why dont you want to give up an entire weekend to celebrating me with forced hysterics?".

I really wish brides would stop doing this shit.
Piss up down the pub/local bar crawl on a Saturday night - I am there and excited!
Entire weekend involving drinks, brunch, some kind of sport/craft/spa activity - just stop.

[0lgaDaPolga]

They are so irritating and I don’t know why they have to be the whole weekend. I managed to piss off my sil by not attending hers as it was a 6 hour drive away and would have been 3 nights away from my young baby, not to mention the cost. I’d much rather spend the weekend with my husband and son.

[Lottapianos]

'At least you have kids to use as an excuse'

I don't have kids. You don't need an excuse. 'Sorry I won't be able to make it but I hope you have a great time'. Job done

[Lottapianos]

That's for friends and colleagues of course. I appreciate it's a lot more tricky with family

[StealthPolarBear]

When did they become hen weekends though, with events and stuff?

[PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock]

I don't think it's so much that 'everyone' hates them, more that the demographic who hate them are likely to be found on MN. Whereas the demographic for whom they're better suited, younger women without the ties and sleep deprivation of young children, are not.

Having said that, I'm going to undermine my point entirely by saying that I always hated them even when I was at the stage when one can just piss off to Spain for a long weekend. But a lot of my friends who were well into it 5 or 10 years ago have changed their tune as soon as young children came along!

[ShirleyPhallus]

Whereas the demographic for whom they're better suited, younger women without the ties and sleep deprivation of young children, are not.

I’m a younger women with no children and I hate them

[Scribblegirl]

I’m going to be a (slight) voice of dissent. Full disclosure, I had my hen weekend last month!

My group of friends are all late 20s/early 30s. We’ve all got a bit of disposable income and we enjoy going away for weekends in the countryside/minibreaks together a couple of times a year. Since we’ve started to get married we’ve co-opted those weekends away into the couple of hen weekends we now have each year. No one is forced to come, and when we set mine up I completely understood that some might not be able to make it - particularly the one friend in our group who has a 6 month old. As it was she was totally up for a weekend away and said she’d been looking forward to it for months! We made sure she had a room to herself so she could express and most importantly get her first decent nights sleep in a while A couple of friends came along to certain bits as they were busy on other days of the weekend - again I was just delighted to see them for any portion of the weekend.

I’m not saying that hen weekends are mandatory and I can understand that when life commitments (kids, elderly parents, money pressures etc) start rolling around then they’re more difficult to attend. But if you have a decent group of friends who aren’t going to pressurise anyone, what’s the problem with doing something you want to do and leaving it up to people whether they can make it or not? FWIW, I loathe the inflatable penis crowd (we did games in the house, country walks and meals at pubs) but I can accept that what I fancied isn’t always what others will.

It gets rolled out a lot here, but ‘it’s an invitation not a summons’. The hen is generally left in the situation of

a) having the celebration she fancies, inviting people that then slag their hen off on MN
b) having the celebration she fancies, not inviting people with kids and then being an entitled so-and-so who didn’t invite people with kids, or
c) not having the celebration she wants for fear of pissing a minority of people off
Seems like a lose-lose to me...

[PrincessCuntsuelaVaginaHammock]

As did I Shirley, but it's quite common for younger people with no ties, childcare bills or several year sleep debts to like them when they're younger then change their tune once kids come along!

[ItDoesMyHeadIn]

I am retired from hen dos... and fucking baby showers whilst I'm at it

[Beebiesandcheebies]

I know. I'm with you on this one.

[CurbsideProphet]

I don't have children yet, but even I don't want to spend my limited annual leave and finances on a weekend away to a destination I have no control over.

My DP is going on another 3 day stag do abroad this year. The bride of that wedding is having a week long hen do in Spain

[Bluelonerose]

I agree with the whole hen weekend thing.

I've just been railroaded into one that started off as spa day into a full weekend.
I've stated how much I can afford to spend of the hen do but moh STILL wants more.
Wedding is not local so I've already got 2 nights booked in a hotel which could of been spent on the hen do.

I loved my hen do. We all dressed up went to a local town and my friends got me a stripper. I'm not sure how much it cost but I did say make sure everyone can afford it.