To wonder how much support you actually need with a new baby?

[chocolatestrawberryvanilla]

I would like to have a baby, before I am too old. I am single so would need to use donor sperm.

The problem is I wouldn’t have much support. I do have friends but I know from experience friends can and will only do so much. I have no family who can help and obviously there wouldn’t be a partner.

Yet others seem to manage - I don’t know. Am I kidding myself?

When all is said and done it is and always will be your choice. There is an old saying 'it takes a village' yes some can do it on their own but at what cost both emotionally, financially and physically. Then there is the second issue of 'is it fair in the child' you mentioned 'before I get too old' and 'not that strong a support system' what if yaoemthing happens to you? Who will take care of the child, then if it is an only child who will be there for them when they are growing up. Think long term as in when the child graduates or marries or has kids (significant milestones) and sad ones when they can't be shared. I raise these topics just as food for thought as I have an acquaintance who used donor sperm from an exboyfriend to conceive at the age of 47 stating that she had to before she got too old. Yet now the kid is 2 and she is full of hate and venom because her ex had already moved on and married and seems really happy and also had a child with his wife a few months after her. All she does is stalk the wife trying to compare the kids and rank in her mind how hers is better while bad mouthing how the ex and the wife must be awful parents. It's led us all to think she is a nutcase and to suspect she had the kid for all the wrong reasons.

You mentioned that you're gay - a couple of my gay friends have had kids by co-parenting, gay guy and gay girl, I wonder if that would be something you would ever consider?

A question I would pose to you is, imagine the kid is like 18 months and you're back at work and then they get like a bad cold or something, so they get a temperature and nursery won't take them so you have to take time off work, and they don't sleep well so you're exhausted, then you get sick as well, so now you're looking after a sick kid on no sleep while you're also down with the cold, and then once they're well again you have to go back to work still under the weather and catch up on your work? And imagine having to do that maybe three or four times every winter for the first three years (I found it got better once they turned 4)?

The othe question is would you be able to deal with e.g. having to go to A&E in the middle of the night with them, can you drive, what if there was a family crisis, an elderly parent needing care arranged or when one of your parents dies - are you on the hook for arranging everything, would you be able to deal with that sort of thing from a practical point of view? This is all easier if you just have the one - they can just come around with you - it's when you have two that it turns into a massive travelling circus, specially if someone has to go to hospital in the night.

I hope the thread is helping - I wouldn't write us off as being negative, we're all just talking about the reality of bringing up kids. At least if you know what's coming you can try to get the sort of support you think you might need.

You’ll hopefully be able to build a new support system, as someone says if you get out and get involved with other parents with similar age kids. Plenty of people are one parent families and your salary is good for childcare and other costs.

Support systems change dramatically with big life changes, you can have hundreds of attentive friends who disappear when your life changes or you need them.

I’d say if you want to and you feel you personally are up to it for your part, go for it.

Blimey, it’s a wonder anybody ever has a child, reading some of these posts

I think you manage if you have to but it is not easy. I have one child and am expecting another. I have no family nearby but I have a husband and friends in the area. I would very much struggle without my husband as I would have no break from my son (as lovely as he is 12 month olds are bloody hard work)

I’m having a small taster of what single parents go through at the moment with my husband abroad for work and it is tough. My son was up half the night ill from his vaccinations and I am exhausted and wish I had someone to just give me a little break from him, which I guess you would rarely get as a single parent.

That being said, if i had to choose between having him and being single and not having him I would choose to have him in a heartbeat. If you genuinely want a child and you are able to manage financially you will make it work.

@Ellafruit1 - " if I had my time again though I wouldn’t have had a baby because motherhood was something I wanted to experience, I would have had a baby because of what I could offer it"
That is an interesting point of view, one maybe we should all think about before having children, not in terms of material things, but about our capacity for providing a loving, safe, nurturing, and fun childhood; alone or with a partner.

The overwhelming tiredness can be debilitating and the screaming and sleepless nights can be hard to cope with.

If you can cope with that the rewards outweigh all that. Parenting is the hardest job in the world but the best.

If I was in your position I would go for it. You may make friends at nct classes or similar and end up with a whole new support network anyway xx

Do people really want to give their eggs a better life

That is to say, of course you think about what you can offer a child, but that leads to a rather unpleasant path linked to finances.

If you think about what you can emotionally offer a child, that’s rather different.

Of course it is doable but hard work and be prepared for the sleep deprivation. My DD has a 2 month old and a toddler and a very hands on DH who will share the care evenings and weekends. Babies often don't want to be put down and need holding a lot in the first few months. However single parents do it often without support and it gets easier as they get older.

Is moving closer to family who may help a possibility? Can you save up enough to get an au pair or a babysitter every now and again?

You will manage by yourself if you need to. It seems a lot of the people who have posted here can’t, but this is MumsNet!World - people wouldn’t be on here if they could cope alone. In the real world plenty of single mums work and raise kids and manage their responsibilities!

Ignore the naysayers! I say DO IT!

I've been a working lone parent for mine with no family or friends support in a strange country where I wasn't entitled to benefits. I fled my abusive exH with nothing when they were a few months old. It would have been much easier without him at all.

It was hard but not back-breakingly so. I'll go through it a million times over for the love I have for and from my kids.

It's not fun for the first few years but that is very short compared to the lifetime of fulfilment.

If you have that desire, go for it.

I was 17 when I had my son you cope if you need to I also no lots of people who have adopted and are single

I’m another one who has not said no, just wanted you to be aware of some of the realities.

For me, even though I knew babies didn’t sleep long at night and needed total looking after, I had no idea of the realities of going to bed and getting woken 20 mins later and then every 40-90 mins after that for the rest of the night, for weeks —months— on end. I don’t make sleepers though, not all babies are like that!

I also had no idea how frustrated I’d get with not just being able to go for a shower when I wanted, of having to time everything around the babies being asleep/contented. Again some babies are happy to lie on a mat/sit in bouncer while you do this. None of mine have been as young babies, they have wanted to be held constantly.

I didn’t expect to feel so restricted by having to take someone else with me literally everywhere I went. I’m quite happy in my own company and sometimes I just wanted to be able to go for a long walk on my own or just sit and read a book without interruption.

For me, no matter how hard it has been at times, my children are worth it so I would never tell anyone not to have children.

Also the totally dependent baby stage really doesn’t last long. Every age has difficulties but for me that baby stage is the hardest (which surprised me because I am very much a baby person and have always been totally in love with my babies)

i have 4 ages 7, 6, 4 and 13 months. i was a single mum from pregnancy with my youngest. i have no family help and ex is absent. i manage because i have to.

roses2
That was my point too - money can solve a lot of challenges and doing the maths.
But it's hard to do the maths if you are not aware of the level of involvement caring for a baby/child requires.

My mum raised me and my sister alone on a 15k annual salary while working full time. She struggled, especially with her social life. But she still managed to take us on the occasional cheap packaged holiday and always had home cooked dinner on the table. I do remember that I was always the child with the ripped school sleeves (I used to chew them), I was always unprepared, forgetting school projects and my ‘red reading bag’ and I was at the child minders until 6pm after school every day. Nevertheless, I appreciate everything my mum did for me and I never felt without love, which is the most important thing for a child.

If this is something you long for then go for it! Once it’s too late then it’s too late so do it while you still can, believe me you can make a 40k salary stretch enough to cover childcare when you need it.

I can't imagine having a child without the support of a partner.

BUT a lot of women have useless partners. My mum lives a long way away. She did come to help when I really needed it but wasn't just around the corner. MIL was too old.

I suspect you just have to be a little bit selfish. I've never understood the not being able to go to the loo or have a shower once you've got a baby thing, you just do it. If they cry, they cry. It's only for a few minutes. We had a straight staircase from outside our loo to the bottom of the stairs, so Ieft ds at the bottom in an amazingly practical contraption (it was actually a bag that unfolded into a carry cot) and could just about see him when I was sat on the loo. When he got older and could move I'd put him in his cot for a few minutes. It is ok and indeed recommended, to put yourself first at times.

As for the guilt thing, do you think any man feels guilty for working to feed his kids?

The thing I found most difficult about having a baby was not being able to go and do things quickly. You couldn't just "nip" to the supermarket. You had to faff around with car seats and trolleys. I found that very hard. But that had nothing to do with having or not having a partner around to help.

Oh and my ds slept through the night from 5 weeks old. THAT helps! But of course you don't know if you are going to get one like that.

How old are you OP? Perhaps an alternative could be to freeze your eggs for use when you find the right person or earn a little more? As others have said it’s possible but would be very, very hard.

DS1 I would be a quivering wreck by myself. I almost am now and I have a lot of support.

Severe reflux until 4 years old. Didn't sleep through reliably until aged 6 years, and still wakes several nights a week. I used to dread going to bed, knowing I'd be woken every 20-45 minutes all night.

He needs an incredible amount of emotional support (he's 7) and still has health problems. He is getting harder, not easier.

DS2 would be a lovely boy to have as a lone parent. Not a great sleeper but easygoing and great company. However I had complications after his birth leading to months of scans and treatment and I was considered unsafe to be alone with the D.C. As I might collapse.

However, not everyone has these problems. Having money can really help (my friend was a single parent from pregnancy and paid someone to live with her for 6 weeks after her CS and help with baby etc).

You sound like you really want a child so I'm your place I'd do serious research on affordability and start building up a support network

Thanks; I’m 37, so time isn’t really on my side!

You will manage, because failure isn’t an option. You have to manage.

But it is hard. I am in NO way saying my situation is the same as a single parent btw with this next statement, I don’t mean that at all. But dh and I live a very long way from family and have no ‘help’. When I see how people who do have help (family close by for example) and the rare occasions family have visited and helped, it’s been like night and day.

I wouldn't choose to raise a child alone with no support. Not because I don't think I could but because I wouldn't want my children not to have a support network either.
My children's lives are enhanced by our friends and families. I am confident that if something happened to me and DH there would be a whole network of familiar people who would love and take care of our children as much as we do. I can't imagine not having that security.

Well, yes, although things change - my parents were a two parent family with three out of four grandparents alive and well at the time of my birth. Sixteen years later and I only had my dad.

A lot of people are only talking about the negatives not looking at this in the round. Genuinely OP, I'll say it again:-

• it's perfectly possible,
• you will be fine
• being a single mother by choice is very different from being a single parent for other reasons
• there are of course hard times but you'll get through them
• support will come from unexpected places
• yes only you have parental responsibilities but on the flip side you have no one to answer to
• the only thing I worry about is my DS being an only child and I am watching my DM deteriorate with Alzheimer's and I worry he may have to deal with that on his own but he's won't be the first and I will make sure when he's old enough we have v honest conversations about my wishes.

It's not easy but being a parent isn't easy. For anyone. It is though v rewarding (apart from potty training, that's shit).

The MN hive mind is not in your situation, they don't get it, only you do. Go with your gut. Why shouldn't you fulfil your biological need just because you're single. That's a nonsense. Only you know whether you can give a child a happy and fulfilling life and ultimately that is the right question to be asking.

Go for it.