To wonder how much support you actually need with a new baby?

[chocolatestrawberryvanilla]

I would like to have a baby, before I am too old. I am single so would need to use donor sperm.

The problem is I wouldn’t have much support. I do have friends but I know from experience friends can and will only do so much. I have no family who can help and obviously there wouldn’t be a partner.

Yet others seem to manage - I don’t know. Am I kidding myself?

It’s not a bucket list. It’s - I don’t even know!

If you don't have any family but can afford a few hours hired help a week it will make a big difference to the experience.

Truthfully, it is fucking hard work. That said I would have done it on my own rather than not had them. You will manage as it's worth it.

Speaking as someone who did have a partner, which is obviously hugely different from being alone but whose partner was ill a lot of the time and who I ended up giving a lot of support to in the early weeks which frankly was pretty hard - I would say, I think, do it, just; but be prepared to spend just about every resource you have on reliable support. It doesn't have to be fancy-schmancy, hugely qualified or focused on early Mandarin - nearly all the 'classes' that you go to with babies are for the parents' benefit, and I couldn't give a crap whether the nursery nurses have level 3 or level something else. What it needs is to be competent, kind and reliable. And that is expensive.

I would look at a maternity nurse for the first six? weeks. I would go into debt for that bit if you have to (obviously better not).

If you want it-go for it. It's like everything, you make it work somehow.

that's not fair Ellafruit - how is she 'ticking it off a bucket list' any more than the rest of us?

Yes perhaps you’re right... if I had my time again though I wouldn’t have had a baby because motherhood was something I wanted to experience, I would have had a baby because of what I could offer it. I think you can maybe only assess that in hindsight though because until you have a child it’s difficult to understand the depth of what you need to give. And to be honest if any of us truly understood I’m not sure many would do it! Biological urge rules I guess.

exactly woodywoo - for me, it's beyond any cost to myself to have children who I unconditionally love and who love me back. And knowing that I am responsible for them and have no one to fall back on makes me feel tougher - not coping is just not an option and that doesn't feel scary (mostly) but actully pretty great.

Yes. And your local network needs to be rock solid - not necessarily now, but you need to prioritise meeting people in your neighbourhood after the baby is born, usually other parents. There was a babysitting circle in our local area based on tokens that was just brilliant. I used to go to every baby group etc going, and would set myself a goal to talk to at least one person, and would come home and literally write down everything I'd learned about them (name, baby's name, where they lived, what they did for a living, partner if any, etc etc etc). I was shameless about asking for phone numbers or offering mine and then followed that up to go for a coffee or jointly to yet another baby group.

None of this was really for the child's benefit, though I think he had fun. It was entirely for mine. I have done my share, I hope, in helping other people, and had a lot of fun too, but I had all this 'work' come back to help me a thousand times over when the shit hit the fan. As a parent, the shit and the fan are never far apart.

Sorry I posted too soon then my bloody phone died!

It is worth it 100% OP but I wouldn’t do it unless you have the finances to have someone look after your little one. Don’t think you will be able to battle through every parent in the world needs a break from time to time whether it be a couple of hours or what.

I think a PPs suggestion of an au pair is a good one but I believe they aren’t allowed to look after children under 2?

I have been doing it for 10 years. Have always been on my own with very little support. Ds has a disability which makes things harder.

The thing that has been the hardest for me is working. Ds really needs me. I have only been able to work part time since he started school.

If you have space in your house then would you consider school hour nursery + an au pair for wrap around care plus the odd evening of babysitting or down time? My DH is away a lot. We have an au pair who is a godsend particularly for getting the kids bathed after school/nursery and when the kids are sick as I don't need to take time off work. Plus my son doesn't have to go to nursery every day 8am - 6pm which is tiring for them.

I've just had a baby on my own by choice. The main help I've needed is family ensuring I am fed - so bringing food round to mine. Apart from that I'm really content doing this on my own, best decision I ever made.

So I haven't read all of the responses but have skimmed and most of them haven't taken this road. I have.

You go into this with the expectation that you will do it alone, that the highs and the lows will be done alone, that the nights will be done alone, that NCT will be alone so you have no expectation of someone to do it with you. With people who have become single that isn't the expectation, it's different.

I was on £40k when I did it. My sisters live close but have families of their own, my mum has Alzheimer's and my dad is a bit useless so I have more support than you, but probably not much more.

For me in terms of managing there were some key things:-

• I used Gina Ford to have a routine - I knew I needed ordered down time.
• I went back to work at 11 months, i need to work both financially and for my sanity
• I ran. I used to put him in the buggy from about 6 months and I did C25K. Best thing I ever did.
• hardest times were and still are (DS is 4) when he is ill. He has been hospitalised twice and the first time I wouldn't leave him on his own to begin with - I didn't eat or go to the loo for about 12 hours. Or when I am ill - I spent 4 weeks on crutches when he was 3 which was challenging.

He starts school in September and he is such a happy boy. He knows his story and how he was conceived and he's fine with it (as much as a 4 yr old can be).

If I could afford it (I am lucky, I have increased my income a lot but childcare is v expensive), I would have another in a shot but that's not my path. I would always say do it; families come in all shapes and sizes and ours is very happy and happier than many others I know.

Ignore the noise, do your research and go for it if it is right for you. Good luck.

Lots of considerations on here. I would add two things.

With the second baby I was up and about, coping well and was often on my own as OH travels a lot. And it’s not so much the knowing what to do- somehow it was my attitude to everything (and also I had to as I had DC1) it was just th sheer change of a new baby which threw me the first time - and I was not a young mum

The things that stick out for me about having a partner (vs not) and a new baby are: someone to make you a cup of tea without asking and someone to completely counterbalance your fears. Somehow when one of us panicked over not drinking milk, crying or temperature, somehow the other would balance this out, with calmness and less extreme reaction. I think with first fever that would have been difficult on my own for example.

However much of this support could/would be provided by a doula. I would look into that or similar help, like a night nurse

chocolatestrawberryvanilla

Please check this calculator personal.natwest.com/personal/life-moments/having-a-baby.html
Having a child is really expensive - if you're the only breadwinner in the family, it means you have to pay to someone to physically look after your child while you work.

I understand perfectly how you don't want to give up the idea, but my advice to you is - do not do it alone. Sort your family situation out first.

Or be minted and have enough money to have everything covered.
There will be times when you have to take care of yourself - have appointments, be in hospital, etc, who is going to look after your child - you have to pay for that sort of childcare.
The exhaustion is real, depression is real, you will most certainly need people around and if friends and family can't do that - it means it will cost you.

Do not abandon the idea of having a child, but be realistic - volunteer with families if you don't have this experience, see if you could cope with everything, make a plan B. Be prepared that it will not be an easy choice.
Almost all single-parent kids I know have a second parent that they go to from time to time and can rely on. I cannot imagine how one person can cope with everything, although obviously it is not impossible. And is probably worth it at the end.

Sorry i disagree with IcingandSlicing. It is entirely possible to do it along if you have enough finances to buy in help.

Do the maths and if you can afford childcare, babysitters, sick days etc then you'll do really well as a single parent.

don't be put off. I did it on my own from very early on - though not pregnancy - and because I had wanted and wanted a child for so long, I found that I was just so happy to be a mum and have a child.

I found that friends with more support were, strangely, the first to not cope, perhaps because they had the luxury of being able to cry they were overwhelmed and let others take over. Perhaps because they hadn't had to fight a huge battle to have a child in the first place so they didn't appreciate the wonder of it as much.

It is hard. But it so very very worth it. I say go for it!

Go for it. It will be the hardest thing you will ever do but also the most rewarding.

I had a baby on my own. I work FT and am completing a higher degree. I went back to work at 6 months. No local family help but my child's father does make a huge contribution to nursery fees, without this we wouldn't manage financially.

It has been the toughest and most extraordinary and brilliant time of my life.

I was so happy to be pregnant that I knew I could do it. It does get easier.

Good luck with your decision x

I did it all with twins and it nearly killed me. Their father did nothing and I had to go back to work when they were 5 moths old as he wasn't earning. Then the childcare costs crippled me (he refused to look after them while I worked)

Unsurprisingly I left him when they were 18 months old and moved closer to my family.

I don't know how I got through those years looking back. I have 2 children with DP who is a very hands on parent and admit here (anonymously) that those two pregnancies, baby and toddler years were easier and more enjoyable.

I had minimal family help and a partner who worked away a lot.

It was bloody hard. I suffered with severe anxiety and depression, I'm ok now, but it was a long slog (SAHM for 3 yrs)

I now work full time and am much happier. Also won't be having any more children as I just can't go through all of that again.

So, of course it's doable. There will be good times and a lot of shit times. I also agree it depends if the temperament of the baby as to how hard it would be, but seeing as you'll have no idea about that until the baby is actually here - it's a case of preparing for the absolute worst and anything else is a bonus.

I say go for it I think people cope with what they are given for the most part. Of course you could have a horrendous pregnancy, complications, a child that never sleeps, feeding issues etc. but even if all those things happen, it doesn’t mean you won’t find being a mother an amazing experience. The good parts of parenting far outweigh the horrible bits.

And I say this from the experience of having a high risk twin pregnancy, hyperemesis, premature twins that still at age 4 don’t sleep through the night, limited family help and an ex who made things 10 times more difficult than they needed to be. and I am so happy to be a mother. My children are amazing people who I love to bits

The best advice I have is to be flexible, go to playgroups, join local parenting groups and build up your own networks of support. Good luck with whatever you decide!

I think if you can manage financially the emotional and practical stuff will be fine. When you want to be a mom you adjust to sleep deprivation and putting your child first and you do it out of love. Go for it, you won't regret it. That unconditional love you feel for your own child is something I can't even describe. You will adjust, my family are not anyway a support to me. I have a dh, we both work I am fortunate to not have to work long hours so I get to spend lots of time with my kids. And yes there is days it is tough but I wouldn't change it for the world. Follow your own instincts, lots of women use donors. Your child will be loved.

I would absolutely go for it. Yes, the tiredness is bad, but not that bad. Certainly not bad enough to forego motherhood for! My children have brought huge amounts of joy and purpose to my life.

On the tiredness front, I've always worked full time in a stressful and long hours job. Mat leave made me more rested overall, and I breastfed so literally did every single feed. With my first I slept when the baby slept, because I could.

Good luck to you.

I have been a LP from when my second DC was 2 and my first was 5. Although it wasn't really by choice, knowing what I know now, I definitely wouldn't let being a LP stop me from having DC. Especially a single child would be totally doable.

People will probably give you more help than you think and everyone will want you to make a go of it.

In your shoes I'd 100% go for it.