To wonder how much support you actually need with a new baby?

[chocolatestrawberryvanilla]

I would like to have a baby, before I am too old. I am single so would need to use donor sperm.

The problem is I wouldn’t have much support. I do have friends but I know from experience friends can and will only do so much. I have no family who can help and obviously there wouldn’t be a partner.

Yet others seem to manage - I don’t know. Am I kidding myself?

I was alone in pregnancy and in the first year. I’d recommend going back to work pretty quickly, and finding a really good nursery. That way you won’t have money worries, and you will also have adult company to keep you sane. I love my DS, but was happy to devolve responsibility for him to trained professionals. Re the sleep deprivation, really do sleep when the child sleeps. Go to bed every day at 8 if you need to, and resign yourself to a year at least of surviving.

You need a dishwasher,washer/dryer and online shopping.

As a single mum, you know exactly where you stand, and can be a little unit of two with your baby. Several of the husbands/partners I have encountered through mum friends have been pretty rubbish actually, one or two completely horrendous. Better to be alone and happy than trying to placate a jealous/useless partner and look after a baby singlehanded.

My friend is a single mum to a 2.5 year old as the dad did a runner before the baby was born.

I don’t lie, she finds it very very difficult. She gets no break whatsoever, she has no time to herself and all the illness, tantrums, sleepless nights are all down to her and it has ground her down. She admits it is so much harder than she ever thought it would be and she has cried on my shoulder many times.

I’ve got two children (4 years and 10 months) and at times I have been at breaking point and if it wasn’t for my family, especially my husband, to give me the emotional support to cope with the problems I’ve had then I can’t imagine how I would have managed.

There’s no reason why you can’t do it alone but prepare for it to potentially lonely and definitely hard, hard work.

It would be really tough. It’s really blooming tough with a partner and family around, so I can’t begin to imagine going it alone.

But if that yearning and maternal pull is there and strong enough I don’t think this would put you off. It wouldn’t have put me off, if it came to it. But you need to really want it and be prepared for it to be tough (but wonderful also).

Good luck wherever you decide :)

As a widowed parent I feel zero guilt for working, I'm putting a roof over their heads. Guilt isn't automatic if you think logically

I have a 10 month old baby and a husband who really just creates more problems. If you're ok financially (babies are more expensive than you can even imagine) then go for it. I could easily do it on my own. Being a mum is the best thing ever. :)

I’m doing it on my own, unexpectedly. DS is almost 2.
Have been a single mum since DS was 9 months. Little support, and have no friends in the city we moved to for work. I also have a very very full on creative job, working compressed hours 4 days pw and lots of overtime when DS is sleeping. I don’t get paid enough to cover all the bills and nursery fees, so rely on (frequently underpaid) tax credits.

It’s bloody bloody hard. DS is magnificent- but I have days when I could lie down and weep- just for sheer exhaustion. And I’m not even particularly houseproud so it’s not like I’m breaking my heart over the dusting or whatever...

I wouldn’t advise it if you have no support at all. I’ve just spent four days in hospital, during which time my toddler DD stayed at home with my DH. If something similar were to happen to you, would there be anyone you could call on to look after your child?

I don’t think you can really say for sure until baby comes as they are all different.

Not helpful sorry!

My DS was an “easy” baby, as in never got ill, no reflux, slept, ate and poo’d pretty much for the first 6 weeks etc. I used to joke that I could tell the time by him as he just settled into a routine.

However I met 2 mums on maternity leave, we all had sons born within the same week, we where all really similar in our circumstances and approach to motherhood.

Yet mine was the mellow one, then we had baby O who never slept, had chronic reflux and drove his mother to the brink of insanity and baby R who was somewhere in the middle.

I think mentally to be able to do it alone you need the be really comfortable that yes it’s very very tough, but it might not be. So really really think about what your coping strategies will be if you had a baby who has high complex needs or even just a bit fussy.

I was the one funnily enough though who got PND.

Parenthood isn’t a one fit all job, it depends on what you get in the end, literally no amount of preparing will ever prep you for what’s to come.

I'm of the belief that just because you can, it doesn't mean you should. Some people are happy knowingly putting themselves in a position where they will just about get by, and it works really well for them. I personally couldn't do that as I don't want to go through life just coping. Obviously sometimes situations are beyond our control, I just wouldn't purposefully put myself in that position.

Being a mum is exhausting and relentless (and I have lots of support) but is also the most wonderful thing I've every experienced. DS honestly lights up my whole world. So yes it's hard but it can also be mind blowingly amazing

(I slept for 1 hour last night, he's 18 months old. And still I've had a lovely day with him)

You don't need any. I've done new baby on my own, Lots of people have loving partners and family who are constantly involved, good for them, but many of us don't. I wouldn't be without my children, they are the world to me. Yes there's are many hard days but there's also lots of people with unpleasant partners who have worse days as they have to deal with child and selfish adult. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Problem is, when I’m an elderly lady of 80, I don’t want to look back and think I didn’t experience being a mum because it would be tiring sometimes.

I’ve done the sums - it’s more the emotional and practical stuff.

Grobags i am not sure if you are responding to me but i do agree that my guilt isn't rational!! I want and need to provide for him so that we can have a nice life. Nursery will do far more exciting and developmental things with him than i ever could.

It just isn't easy when they're too little to understand where you've suddenly buggered off to when you used to be a permanent fixture!

It’s exhausting on your own. I was widowed when my son was nearly 3. I’m finding it easier now he’s turned 5 and is at school.

My H used to say you need 1.5 people to look after a baby - not quite enough for 2 people to do but it’s really hard by yourself.

If I had a choice I wouldn’t do it. But I’m sure it can be done - people do it out of necessity after all.

Just also think about the effect on your child having only one parent around. Children need emotional nurturing to grow into healthy adults - space and time with you to talk, be themselves, be accepted, be reassured that you’re listening and that you care about them and their needs, wants, desires. It’s hard to give them that if you’re on your own and working full time.

I would not have coped.

DS1 was a classic reflux baby and therefore very hard work until about 9 months old. I had to hold him constantly, even when he slept. On the bad days I lived for the moment when DH would get in the door and I could have an hour alone. I could easily have coped with the toddler years though.

DS2 was born with a severe health problem not picked up antenatally. He's 9 months old now and recovering from his second major surgery. In many ways I am his carer as well as his Mum. It's emotionally as well as physically draining and I've needed the support of both DH and my own Mum.

I would not do it on my own.

I've managed on my own. DH works away a lot, and we're posted hours away from friends and family. You find ways to make it work.

But you do need support, be it from groups or friends. I did the first six weeks with DS on my own, and it was soul destroying.

It’s hard work OP. Feels impossible sometimes.

When DD1 was born my ex fucked off for 8 years so was on my own with a baby at 20 years old and no support. Friends weren’t interested past oooing and arring at a newborn- but once they realise babies cry, shit and rely on you for everything they soon fucked off. Parents disowned me (at the time) because I’d had a baby so young.

Fortunately, I had a job and had inherited money from my grandmother about 18 months before I had DD- but this was spent on babysitters and nursery fees JUST so I could have a break. She was at nursery the 4 days a week I worked and with a babysitter on a Saturday which I spent catching up on sleep and being able to have a bath in peace.

Can you afford an au pair? I have a single mum by choice friend. She doesnt use her au pair as normal childcare. Her son goes to a nursery when she’s at work. But her au pair does stuff like babysits two evenings a week so the mum can get out to an exercise class/for dinner with friends. She also cooks on days when my friend is working so that she can spend quality time with her son after work rather than hectic cooking. Just an idea if you have the space (or could if you moved to a cheaper area).

It's so hard because some babies are very chilled and easy in the new born stages then tricky as toddlers - looking at you dd and some babies are very unsettled colic/reflux and totally exhausting physically and mentally in new born stage and then a delight as toddlers onwards - hi ds.

If you have easy new born when on mat leave and then leave the trickier stages when you get some respite from childcare you could do it without too much support. If you have a tricky new born then it is far far harder...

@chocolatestrawberryvanilla it's not about being tired. It's about the utter helplessness of the day after day being wholly responsible. That's not tiring or exhausting. It's beyond imagination, even for women who had a partner who did nothing. Being totally alone is more. But you need to make your own call

You absolutely can do it alone, just don’t underestimate the utter relentlessness of it. It’s also hard as a single parent to have to make all the decisions yourself, even just if they have a high temperature and you’re not sure whether to call the gp, it’s nice to have someone else who is invested in your child to discuss it with. Or how to deal with a certain behaviour, or when they do something cute and you want to share it. But then again when I was a lone parent I found mumsnet pretty good in those circumstances.

Also worth considering if you had a difficult pregnancy (eg HG) whether you’d be able to get by without working for a bit, and would there be anyone to help you in those circumstances?

Don’t let this put you off, it’s just things to keep in mind.

Whilst having support is great, not everyone has support at hand.
I’ve had two dcs lose together. My family was abroad. PIL were working full time and unavailable for any help.
H was away 1/2 of the time and quite useless when he was there.
So I’ve pretty much looked after the dcs in my own, with no help.

Where it DID make a difference is financially. It allowed me to have my ML wo any worries as well as not having finances as a constant worry.
I know a couple of people who have done what you are planning and the biggest issue has been that side of things. So I wouod plan for ML as well as having a full proof system for childcare.

You need to remember, there are quite a few women who get pregnant and then find themsleve single because the guy didn’t want a child. It’s not so different iyswim. And doable.

I think you should follow your heart OP

There is a saying that you only regret the things you have not done. This is actually a pretty rubbish saying in general - I have regretted plenty of things I have done - but in this particular instance I think you might regret not having a child

And you'll cope - of course you will

I'd go for it. You sound like you're in the right place for it. I'd never advise someone to forgo motherhood because they don't have a partner or family, that's no guarantee of their helping.

I found the hardest part of being a single parent isn't not having anyone to help with the hard stuff, it's not having a partner to share the good stuff with. But then on the other hand, I really value the time iv had with my DD where it's been just the 2 of us.

I hope you make the decision that's right for you OP. If you decide to have a child I'm sure you'll be amazing