To wonder how much support you actually need with a new baby?

[chocolatestrawberryvanilla]

I would like to have a baby, before I am too old. I am single so would need to use donor sperm.

The problem is I wouldn’t have much support. I do have friends but I know from experience friends can and will only do so much. I have no family who can help and obviously there wouldn’t be a partner.

Yet others seem to manage - I don’t know. Am I kidding myself?

I didn’t experience being a mum because it would be tiring sometimes.

I can see your point. But 'tiring sometimes' doesn't really come close to what people are saying may be the potential outcome. Unrelenting exhaustion, when you can never go to bed and expect more than an hour's kip, it fucks with your head, it fucks with your sense of self, your confidence, the ability to feel competent, it fucks with problems solving, clear thinking. And on top of that you need to keep the baby going and the rest of your life too.

I remember when I was considering whether to forge ahead and have a family and I dismissed a lot of things people said because, on the whole, people dramatise and whinge to pass the time. Turns out, when it comes to babies, there's a lot of under-reporting.

You might get an easy baby, who knows. But 'tired sometimes' is not the full picture.

For the first 5 days I could not get out of bed without help. I then ended up back in hospital very ill. How would you cope in this situation?

No, I understand it’s more than tiring sometimes but just the same, I do think I’d really, really regret it if I didn’t experience it.

I get the ‘no one to experience the good stuff’ too x

I am so used to doing things alone ... it just doesn’t faze me much.

My baby was a wonderful baby with no colic or issues I wouldn’t have coped on my own op. My partner was very little help (worked for 16-18 hours a day, mostly voluntarily) and I spent nearly all my time crying. If it wasn’t for my mum and sister being so supportive (they live 150 miles away but made extreme effort to help me) I think my post natal anxiety would have gone far more to the dark side.

If you can afford to hire help should you feel overwhelmed, absolutely go for it - as pp have said you’ll not regret having your child who will be the very light of your life in 10 years time. No matter how hard the first few years are.

Modern life is set up for being a single mum! You can have shopping delivered, washing machines driers etc you don’t even need to leave the house if you don’t want to, and people are a call or FaceTime away if you need them.

Single with a newborn would make me wonder when I'd get a chance to eat, a chance to have a bath, a chance to do ANYTHING for my own sanity...
Like someone else said, if you have money or friends you can pass the baby to to give you a break yeah go for it. If not, it can be quite isolating, especially if your friends aren't parents.

I would have killed myself if I'd tried to do it alone and that's the honest truth. The sleep deprivation made me crazy. Genuinely psychotic. I totally agree with a PP who says that the difficulties of having a newborn are underreported if anything. I was prepared for it to be hard but it was so hard I honestly couldn't believe people had ever managed to survive it. I did but only just, and I had my parents staying for 4 weeks and a very supportive and present DH who had extended paternity leave.

However, my DD is now 4 months and I think I could survive now on my own but it would be an incredibly long, hard, boring slog. Even though she's a very good-natures, easy baby there are still many days when I'm counting down the minutes until my DH gets home and I can hand her over for half an hour.

General consensus is no, then ... interesting.

I split with my then partner 3 weeks after DD was born - we'd been together for years , she wasn't planned, we tried to make it work but hated each other by then. I actually found it much calmer and easier when he was gone. Of course the night feeds are a pain and seem never ending - but they do!
It wasn't easy by any stretch, but it was do-able.

I also had a 12 year old at the time which made things harder. Otherwise I would have just disappeared into baby world and adopted her routine. She slept through from 8 weeks thankfully.

if you really think you'll have regrets, I would say go for it - you will love them enough to make up for anything. Being tired is temporary, and you will find ways to adjust and cope - and I think you earn enough to pay for extra support anyway. I have had two mostly alone in London on £17k and managed (v flexible job though).

But I do agree with waterrat above - you may need to be or become relaxed about all sorts of things - if you are at all neurotic or like things to be 'just so', that would be hard. I have coped emotionally because I don't sweat the small stuff and have a basic optimism that they and I will be fine in the end, even if daily life can be draining.

Not a no from me! EVERYONE's experience is different. But honestly? I think it's a bit rich of people who had a bad experience of motherhood, but still experienced it, to tell someone else to forgo having kids entirely as a result. If you were my daughter I'd tell you the same thing, go for it!

I’ve done it alone with sperm donor. Baby is 7 months old. I had a c section and was home alone with her on the second day. She had colic for the first three months and I had d and v when she was 2 months old. I survived.

Hardest thing has been the sleep deprivation and I can’t warn you enough about the loneliness. I slept whenever I could. Went up to bed at the same time as the baby until she was 5 months old. No partner to spend time with in the evening obviously and I went to free council baby groups everyday.
Am now going back to work 4 days so know there will be new struggles.
Friends will soon fall away unless they have babies the same age.
It has been completely worth it and if you want it enough you can make it work.

The only thing I would say is to think hard about having a baby that wouldn’t have male role models and a family around them. It’s not about you having support but the baby growing up with close family links as your family will be its only family. I’m very aware of that as my choice shouldn’t cause my daughter to suffer or miss out.

I coped fine and didn't need any support TBH

Didn't have PND (quite the contrary) was fit and able to do everything I needed to do

The first year isn't when you need support IME

It's just the next 17 or so ...

But 'tiring sometimes' doesn't really come close to what people are saying may be the potential outcome. Unrelenting exhaustion, when you can never go to bed and expect more than an hour's kip, it fucks with your head, it fucks with your sense of self, your confidence, the ability to feel competent, it fucks with problems solving, clear thinking. And on top of that you need to keep the baby going and the rest of your life too.

God yes THIS. And I had a baby who liked sleep! I just don’t think it’s fair to the baby/child to be honest... ticking off motherhood on your bucket list isn’t a good enough reason.

because I don't sweat the small stuff and have a basic optimism that they and I will be fine in the end, even if daily life can be draining.

This.

Don't get stressed about a routine - baby will dictate that. If you need a sleep, drag yourself up and take baby out for a walk in the fresh air, will knock them out, leave them in the pram sleeping and get your head down for a couple of hours. Forget the housework. Baby just wants to be loved, fed and wee and poo in comfort.

I'm getting clucky now!

I just said that it was fucking hard at times, not that I wouldn't do it. I think, if I had to do it on my own, I would throw all the resources I had to help me through the baby stage and after that, I think it's much, much easier and manageable.

I think the reality is you don't know what you'll need until the time comes.

After both my ds's births, which were mega fast- 3 hrs and 1 1/2 hours, I felt like superwoman. Within 12 hours on ds2 I was hoovering when the midwife came.

However I was lucky. Very very lucky and I know that! My bf had a section and she remembers little of the first three weeks because of all the painkillers she was on. Also done some damage somewhere by her coccyx which meant she couldn't lie comfortably without pain, walk properly, carry her baby and so on. She needed a lot of support, and she had it in her partner, mum when dp when back to work, partners mum, aunts and friends.

So you honestly can't tell the support you will need. However I do say, if this is what you want then go for it. Will you otherwise spend your life asking 'what if'?.

that's not fair Ellafruit - how is she 'ticking it off a bucket list' any more than the rest of us? no one knows what will happen in their life - people split up, people die, people get together when they already have children - children grow up in much worse situations than with a (presumably) loving mother on a good salary.

I don't think you particularly need " support" in physical terms.I found it much easier bringing up a baby than my friends with partners.
What you do need is someone that also gives a shit really for encouragement. Friends and NCT are good for this. Otherwise you can feel quite alone in the entivible routine. I really appreciated the " you're doing a great job" type comments.

I did but I wouldn't choose it. I had a 2 year old and a 5 mth old when XH left. I had to work full time to pay childcare plus bills and for about five years I was totally exhausted. XH only saw the DCs a few hours every month - no overnights until they were much older. I had no family, but did have good friends. However, in return for them occasionally doing pickups during the week, I would have their DCs at weekends, often overnight. It was relentless.

There are positives. We had a lot of fun, we're all very close, and there is something special about having total control over what your children do. (no fallouts over school/holidays/friends/activities that my friends had) I also never had the "can't go out as DH has 5 a sides, business trip, pub" issue as any night out (ha!) always meant paid babysitters.

But no, wouldn't recommend it as a life choice.

The first 4 years are the absolute bees knees no matter how exhausting. My 21 year old is giving me more worry than my 9 year old currently.

I am a solo mother by choice to two donor conceived children. Best decision I ever made & have never regretted it for a second. I have minimal family support. Almost all of my friends now are friends I've made since having children. My closest friends are those I met when I did an NCT course and so our eldest children are all the same age (8).

It's not an easy route, & it's not for everyone, but you can make it work.

Have you had any basic fertility tests? It took me several years & several rounds of ivf before I conceived. It's definitely not for the faint hearted

I look back on the hazy days of early parenthood with a kind of astonishment that I made it through, and I had a DP then. Sometimes when I see parents out with newborns now I think 'thank christ that's all behind me' and then 'jesus, at least we got through the early years supporting each other.' (I did get severe PND after both DC, which is probably a factor)

But TBH, since becoming a single parent and all of it being down to me now... I realise that you just get on with it. Yeah, it is shit at times, and you don't have anyone to take over, even just for five minutes, but you do it because you just bloody have to. In some ways it's easier than having a partner, because you've no one to resent for not doing their bit. You know it is all down to you, so you can't wimp out.

I'm not going to pretend it's not hard work, but it can be done, and you seem pretty aware of the challenges of it. The thing I miss most is being able to share moments with the other parent. Not sharing things with him so much, but just being able to talk easily to someone who knows the DC almost as well as I do - but if you never have that, you won't miss it. Instead you'll build up a memory of moments of the two of you together, like pages flicking off a calendar, all of those silly, stupid, precious moments. I wouldn't swap those memories for anything.

If you need a sleep, drag yourself up and take baby out for a walk in the fresh air, will knock them out, leave them in the pram sleeping and get your head down for a couple of hours.

Hahaha. My baby hasn't slept in her pram since she was about five weeks old and even then she woke up as soon as it stopped!

I wish someone had been more honest with me about what it's really like to have a baby before I'd had her. I still would have done it but I would have been better prepared.

Depends totally on the baby, my two were completely different DS1 very easy, slept well, no dramas DS2 a complete nightmare, hardly no sleep for 8mths, colicky. It was very hard to cope even with help. Think carefully.

Don't not have a baby based on other people's experiences. Having a baby is REALLY hard but my DC is my entire world. If I had to do it again but on my own I absolutely would!